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> Epitath, Short poem
ace
post Aug 4 09, 17:59
Post #1


Babylonian
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 87
Joined: 27-November 06
Member No.: 361
Real Name: Ross Baird
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Mysty





Epitaph

It all went so fast:
I should have looked more;
I should have listened,
and, perhaps, sometimes felt more
before
now.




ace
 
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Eisa
post Aug 7 09, 17:37
Post #2


Mosaic Master
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Group: Praetorian
Posts: 4,599
Joined: 4-August 03
From: Birmingham, England
Member No.: 12
Real Name: Eira Needham
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori



Hi Ace

I like the message in this one and there is not much to suggest.


Epitath

Typo: Epitaph

It all went so fast:
I should have looked more;
I should have listened,
and, perhaps, sometimes felt more
before
now.

L1 You could replace went with passed for an inner rhyme

L2 posssibly looked further

I'm not sure if sometimes is necessary.

I wonder if you could avoid some repeats, because it is a short poem?

Suggestions below~

It all passed so fast:
I should have looked further
and listened better.
Perhaps, I should have
felt more deeply,
before
now.


Just a few thoughts to take or toss!

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