 Quiet, another Haiku |
Mosaic Musings...interactive poetry reviews > Archives > Archives > ARCHIVES -> Short Form Poetry -> Shogun's Psalms
 Jul 8 09, 17:42
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 Babylonian  Posts: 87 Joined: 27-November 06 Member No.: 361 Real Name: Ross Baird Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Mysty  |
Been critiquing the haikus and sewnuru's of others...so felt I should give everyone a shot at one of mine:
Quiet
The morning despairs... silence across the table... a still death of love. ace |
  
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Jul 28 09, 20:00
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 Mosaic Master  Posts: 18,892 Joined: 1-August 03 From: Massachusetts Member No.: 2 Real Name: Lori Kanter Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:Imhotep |
Hi Ace,
I'm still trying to learn these short forms, and I'd like to offer a suggestion for you to ponder. I wonder if you might consider finding replacement words for despairs in L1, silence in L2 and death in L3? The reason I mention it is because as a reader, I think the 'aha' moment would appeal to me more so if I wasn't told in such an abstract way of the despair happening in this snapshot of life. Since a season isn't referenced, i would say this is a Senyru, especially since it's about 'people' so the seasonal aspect isn't necessary (I think). Maybe if you described despair in your first few words, ridding 'the', the rest will come? What about the morning can be a key symbol to attach the despair to? Some habit, like brewing coffee? And the silence? Perhaps the person is staring at an empty chair? Be back again, Cheers ~Cleo ·······  ·······"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings
Collaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. Kanter Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!  "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner           |
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Posts in this topic
ace Quiet Jul 8 09, 17:42 
Marc-Andre Germain Hi Ace,
You've captured a moment, and it... Jul 8 09, 21:56 prerna bala yeah, i think the haiku of yours captures the mome... Jul 22 09, 05:30 Arnfinn G'day, Mate.
The morning despairs; >... Jul 27 09, 07:56 alice Hi Ace,
I believe haiku is a very visual art form... Jul 28 09, 09:20 Psyche Hi ace!
How strange it is that different line... Jul 31 09, 22:31 Peggy Carpenter Harwood Hi Ace,
The problem with senryus is that what... Aug 1 09, 07:28 Psyche I absolutely agree with Peggy about the punctuatio... Aug 1 09, 13:00 
ace Peggy * Syl:
You are both completely correct. ... Aug 1 09, 16:35 1 User(s) are reading this topic (1 Guests and 0 Anonymous Users)
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