 Snowman, Haiku |
Mosaic Musings...interactive poetry reviews > Archives > Archives > ARCHIVES -> Short Form Poetry -> Shogun's Psalms
 Jul 8 09, 04:08
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#1
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 Babylonian  Posts: 66 Joined: 14-May 09 Member No.: 798 Real Name: James Carver Writer of: Poetry Referred By:poppy  |
as winter begins
snowman,s excitement escapes through icy grin |
  
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Jul 8 09, 06:39
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#2
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 Mosaic Master  Posts: 18,892 Joined: 1-August 03 From: Massachusetts Member No.: 2 Real Name: Lori Kanter Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:Imhotep |
Hello Hellfire,
 I enjoyed your winter Haiku (although I admit to not wishing for winter to come any time soon). I have two suggestions: The first is to swap L1 and L3. The second is to find another description for the word 'between' as I think you could make the snowman vision stand out further with a substitution there that leads into 'winter begins'. Perhaps use replacements for 'jumps' and 'joy' ? Perhaps: Snowman jumps in joyfullness Or Snowman jumps in joyous play Enjoyed the read, ~Cleo 
·······  ·······"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings
Collaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. Kanter Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!  "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner           |
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Posts in this topic
hellfire Snowman Jul 8 09, 04:08 
ace Hellfire:
I love reading and writing haiku; you... Jul 8 09, 17:31 Marc-Andre Germain Hellfire, not too sure this is a haiku in the stri... Jul 8 09, 23:04 hellfire thanks cleo
will revise and see how it works.not ... Jul 9 09, 00:40 hellfire hi ace
thanks for the advice.
i am glad you enjoy... Jul 9 09, 00:43 hellfire hi mark
must admit not a haiku in traditional sen... Jul 9 09, 00:47 Arnfinn G'day, Hellfire.
as winter begins
snowman,s ... Jul 13 09, 02:57 
hellfire hi john
thanks for the comments and suggestion.
i... Jul 13 09, 03:49 1 User(s) are reading this topic (1 Guests and 0 Anonymous Users)
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