Rhine River Tour, My thanks to Mark, Eira, and Sylvia Options

[Guest_ohsteve_*]

Rhine River Tour

Revised

A gentle mist rises from the river;
daylight arrived an hour ago,
but old Sol likes to take his time
climbing those vine-covered mounts.

Soon the guide calls us aboard
we wend our way upstream,
cool waters bow away in a white wave,
ripples lap at the banks.

Just around the next bend an ancient
castle peeks its' crenelations over
sharp-sided crags and clinging bush.

Lines and rows of vineyards
push toes into alkali soil,
too soon to become wine;
you wonder if the pickers aren’t part Chamois.

Aromas' of wurst, pommes frites;
and thoughts of cold dunkel beer to wash it down.

Children fishing on the shore point,
laugh,
and shout ...

"Why do silly people wish to ride the river?."

Looking at scenes
they have seen
all their lives.

May 12, 2009/ revised Jun 4, 2009
© Steve Pray

Original

A gentle mist from the river rises;
daylight arrived a hour ago,
but old sol likes to take his time
climbing those vine covered mounts.

Soon the guide calls us to board
we wend our way up stream,
cool waters bow away in a white wave,
ripples lap at the banks.

Just around the next bend an ancient
castle peeks it’s crenelations over
sharp sided crags and clinging bush.

Lines and rows of vineyards
push toes into alkali soil,
too soon to become wine;
you wonder if the pickers aren’t part Chamois.

Aroma’s of wurst, pomme frits;
and thoughts of cold dunkel beer to wash it down.

Children fishing on the shore point,
laugh,
and shout a question...
"Why do silly people wish to ride the river?."

Looking at scenes
they have seen
all their lives.

May 12, 2009
© Steve Pray

[Psyche]

Hi Steve!
I like this poem! Altho' I haven't taken exactly the same tour, I know what you mean. Lovely imagery & movement, with well-chosen words. Let's see now: (TorT)


A gentle mist from the river rises; <<<<<<I don't think the verb inversion works well here. One gets the feeling you're going to write a sonnet..!

daylight arrived a hour ago, <<<<<<<<<<<< 'an'
but old sol likes to take his time <<<<<<<<< I'm not sure whether your familiarity with 'old sol' is a good idea,
Steve. Sol should use Caps, but maybe you could also find a better word than 'old' for a qualifier? Perhaps 'serene', 'staid', 'placid', 'unruffled'....Or just say 'sun' with some good adjective? TotT..!

climbing those vine covered mounts. <<<<<<< lovely!

Soon the guide calls us to board <<<<<< aboard? with comma?
we wend our way up stream, <<<< upstream?
cool waters bow away in a white wave,
ripples lap at the banks.

Just around the next bend an ancient
castle peeks it’s crenelations over <<<<<<<< possessive 'its'
sharp sided crags and clinging bush. <<<<<< hyphenate 'sharp-sided'?

Beautiful stanza!

Lines and rows of vineyards <<<Aren't lines & rows the same thing?
push toes into alkali soil,
too soon to become wine;
you wonder if the pickers aren’t part Chamois. <<<<<<< I like this!

Aroma’s of wurst, pomme frits; <<<<< 'Aromas' for plural
and thoughts of cold dunkel beer to wash it down.

Good S, altho' the sudden introduction of beer (after all the talk of vineyards), dunno....

Children fishing on the shore point,
laugh,
and shout a question...
"Why do silly people wish to ride the river?."

Looking at scenes
they have seen
all their lives.

Really good last 2S, Steve! Just so! I love the whole poem. Please toss out whatever I've critted, at will...