Senile Cat - Senyru, First attempt . Options

[Sekhmet]

In this Senyru, the number of dots indicate the length of time the cat watches the mouse hole -
each dot = 10 minutes. I will attempt a comment within the week!
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First Revision

Senile cat watches
those dark,alluring mouseholes...
... meanwhile, mice eat cheese

Leo

[Sekhmet]

Good morning Harry and Snow - Thank you both for trying to help me to find a way into critique. I will post, (what I now realise is) a Senyru a little later, when I have read a lot more on the subject.
I still find myself in a cleft stick - I look at most of what, for the sake of brevity, I will call Haikus; and I honestly do not feel very much.
On the whole, those offered for criticism do not seem to me to shed a new, piercing light on their chosen subject.
And yet, had I more knowledge, I might find them to be full of merit - and, in my ignorance, it is I who can not see it.

It would be such a a cop-out to post an anodyne comment along the lines of 'I enjoyed this - very good!' or more aggressively, 'I couldn't understand it!' Simply in order that I might publish my own stumbling efforts.

Snow, thanks for the links, they are very comprehensive. I am reading all I can, whenever I have the time!

Larry - What you read was not my original Senyru! It was Steve, offering it as his revision.
Mine was:

Senile cat watches
Those dark,alluring mouseholes...
.....................................
Meanwhile, mice eat cheese.

Steve's version no longer speaks with my own voice. Here's why.
You, as the owner of three, (possibly senile) cats, will have seen them, intently watching places where they spotted a mouse - an hour ago.
So - the last thing my Senyru cat is doing is, 'sleeping on the job.' He is alert, and on that particular mouse's case.
Next - I too, would not dream of setting traps, so there would be no cheese in the non-existent trap for the
'mouse presumptive' to eat.

Even, 'The News at Eleven' sounds strange to English ears. Here, we have ' The News at Ten' - inconveniently leaving me a syllable short.

See what I mean about critting ? It is a minefield upon which I fear to tread.
This is just a flippant way of explaining that I will need more time for reading, before I will find the courage to crit or post in this short form forum again.
Bless you both for your patience.
Leo