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Mosaic Musings...interactive poetry reviews > Archives > Archives > ARCHIVES -> Short Form Poetry -> Shogun's Psalms
| Guest_prerna bala_* |
 Jan 14 09, 12:22
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#1
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revise 1
sloping roofs: splash slides for snow high noon sun ------------ splash! sound of molten snow waters down the cold |
  
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Jan 19 09, 15:43
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#2
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 Creative Chieftain  Posts: 11,717 Joined: 15-June 07 From: Springfield, Louisiana Member No.: 446 Real Name: Larry D. Jennings Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:Just wondered in. |
Hello Prerna,
As you've seen and replied to in Steve's Haiku, you must realize your's needs a bit of filling in to comply with the 5-7-5 structure. Here are some suggestions which might help: splash! Capitalize and make a statement! Splash! Then reiterate that with what that sound implied or what the sound made you imagine. Things like "Rain in springtime" or "Liquid music", et al. Utilize anything which will enhance the image in the reader's mind. What do you want them to see? sound of molten snow "Molten" implies, in nearly all instances, something hot. There are many synonyms which can be used that signify the melting of snow. If I might paraphrase Merlin, "There are many ways of saying the same thing." Line 2 should have the requisite 7 syllables. waters down the cold I'm not sure what you are trying to have the reader see in this line. Please take/toss any or all of these suggestions. I see the overall mind picture you are trying to draw but would like to see it fleshed out a bit. Larry ·······  ·······When power leads man toward arrogance, poetry reminds him of his limitations. When power narrows the areas of man's concern, poetry reminds him of the richness and diversity of his existence. When power corrupts, poetry cleanses.
John Fitzgerald Kennedy Kindness is a seed sown by the gentlest hand, growing care's flowers. Larry D. Jennings MM Award Winner       |
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Posts in this topic
prerna bala haiku Jan 14 09, 12:22 
prerna bala Larry, i want the reader to hear the sound of wate... Jan 29 09, 15:56 
Eisa QUOTE (prerna bala @ Jan 14 09, 17:22 ) s... Jan 22 09, 15:22 ohsteve Prenra, I unlike Snow have not heard of two forms ... Jan 26 09, 03:01 prerna bala hi Snow, i intend to rewrite it as a 5-7-5 and als... Jan 29 09, 16:01 prerna bala yes steve.
so the traditional one reads :
splas... Jan 29 09, 16:09 ohsteve Prerna, they are both good, if snow is correct in ... Jan 29 09, 20:53 Cleo_Serapis Hello Prerna.
Is this your revision to post?
spl... Jan 30 09, 06:26 Larry Hi Prerna,
I had trouble finding your revision un... Jan 30 09, 12:54 prerna bala Steve, Cleo and Larry, thank you.
Steve, i want t... Jan 30 09, 16:28 Sekhmet Hello Perna balla Steve, Cleo & Larry.
For so... Feb 26 09, 14:03 prerna bala hi,
have been away from the boards for sometime ... Jul 22 09, 05:01 1 User(s) are reading this topic (1 Guests and 0 Anonymous Users)
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