 Haiku, 4th Revision |
Mosaic Musings...interactive poetry reviews > Archives > Archives > ARCHIVES -> Short Form Poetry -> Shogun's Psalms
| Guest_ohsteve_* |
 Jan 9 09, 13:02
Post
#1
|
  |
4th revision
I awake...equate Hyacynth knifes through thin snow must be spring time now. 3rd Revison I awake...equate lily heads wave above thin snow must be spring time now. 2nd revision I awake...equate lilies grow in thin snow; they spring forth in Spring. Revised I awake...equate flowers grow a thin snow; must be spring now. Original I awake, equate flower grows from white snow bank must be spring time now. |
  
|
|
 |
Replies
|
Jan 17 09, 11:28
Post
#2
|
|
 Greek  Posts: 698 Joined: 29-May 06 From: US East Coast Member No.: 185 Real Name: Peggy Harwood Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:just wandered in |
Hi Steve,
I see a couple nits in revision 2. 2nd revision I awake...equate lilies grow in thin snow; ( There are only 6 syllables in this line.) they spring forth in Spring (Personally, I like your line 3 in the original better.) Peggy ·······  ······· |
|
|
|
Posts in this topic
ohsteve Haiku Jan 9 09, 13:02 
prerna bala oh , you are talking of the other hemisphere. But ... Jan 13 09, 06:44 ohsteve Prerna, i was imaging toward how flowers break thr... Jan 13 09, 14:08 prerna bala the aha moment dawns on me; "AHA! so that... Jan 14 09, 12:20 Larry Hi Steve,
I agree with your statement that if it ... Jan 14 09, 13:21 ohsteve Larry, thanks for stopping by to read, I debated o... Jan 14 09, 21:34 Larry Hi Steve,
Nice revision but I have a new nit - yo... Jan 15 09, 00:54 Cleo_Serapis Hi Steve,
Nice change with that elipse in L1. I e... Jan 15 09, 06:45 Peggy Carpenter Harwood Hi Steve,
This is beautiful IMHO!
I am a ... Jan 17 09, 08:58 ohsteve I have revised a second time, I notice that I forg... Jan 17 09, 10:20 Cleo_Serapis Hi Steve,
Back again:
I awake...equate
lilies gr... Jan 17 09, 14:59 prerna bala i like the fact that the flowers are lilies, i can... Jan 18 09, 14:09 ohsteve I have revised again, but have tracked back to the... Jan 19 09, 16:41 Larry Hi again Steve,
QUOTE 3rd Revison
I awake...equa... Jan 26 09, 13:50 ohsteve Larry, thanks for the horticultural lesson, I don... Jan 28 09, 10:55 Larry Hi Steve,
Much better, and thanks to your choice ... Jan 28 09, 13:53 
prerna bala nice, steve; nice haiku Jan 29 09, 15:48 1 User(s) are reading this topic (1 Guests and 0 Anonymous Users)
0 Members:
 |
|
Lo-Fi Version | Time is now: 27th June 2025 - 16:40 |
Read our FLYERS - click below
|
| more Quotes |
| ||
|
|
|
|
