Haiku, 4th Revision Options

[Guest_ohsteve_*]

4th revision

I awake...equate
Hyacynth knifes through thin snow
must be spring time now.

3rd Revison

I awake...equate
lily heads wave above thin snow
must be spring time now.

2nd revision

I awake...equate
lilies grow in thin snow;
they spring forth in Spring.

Revised

I awake...equate
flowers grow a thin snow;
must be spring now.

Original

I awake, equate
flower grows from white snow bank
must be spring time now.

[Maggie]

Hi Steve,

This is beautiful IMHO!


I am a bit curious about line 1. I don't know if that is just assonance (the "a" sound in "awake" and the "a" sound in "equate") or if it is internal rhyme. If it is assonance I think a haiku purist would say it's okay, but if it is internal rhyme I think it might be against the rules. From what small bit I know about haiku, I believe rhyme is a no-no.


Again, I think it's beautiful!

Peggy