 Haiku, 4th Revision |
Mosaic Musings...interactive poetry reviews > Archives > Archives > ARCHIVES -> Short Form Poetry -> Shogun's Psalms
| Guest_ohsteve_* |
 Jan 9 09, 13:02
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#1
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4th revision
I awake...equate Hyacynth knifes through thin snow must be spring time now. 3rd Revison I awake...equate lily heads wave above thin snow must be spring time now. 2nd revision I awake...equate lilies grow in thin snow; they spring forth in Spring. Revised I awake...equate flowers grow a thin snow; must be spring now. Original I awake, equate flower grows from white snow bank must be spring time now. |
  
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Jan 15 09, 00:54
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#2
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 Creative Chieftain  Posts: 11,717 Joined: 15-June 07 From: Springfield, Louisiana Member No.: 446 Real Name: Larry D. Jennings Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:Just wondered in. |
Hi Steve,
Nice revision but I have a new nit - you got away for the Haiku parameters in L2 & 3. I know that they are not hard and fast rules, especially when written in English but you stated: QUOTE As for the 5-7-5 if it is to be hiaku then it has to be that .I do like the revision to "a thin snow". That's how you know Spring is just around the corner. Larry ·······  ·······When power leads man toward arrogance, poetry reminds him of his limitations. When power narrows the areas of man's concern, poetry reminds him of the richness and diversity of his existence. When power corrupts, poetry cleanses.
John Fitzgerald Kennedy Kindness is a seed sown by the gentlest hand, growing care's flowers. Larry D. Jennings MM Award Winner       |
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Posts in this topic
ohsteve Haiku Jan 9 09, 13:02 
prerna bala oh , you are talking of the other hemisphere. But ... Jan 13 09, 06:44 ohsteve Prerna, i was imaging toward how flowers break thr... Jan 13 09, 14:08 prerna bala the aha moment dawns on me; "AHA! so that... Jan 14 09, 12:20 Larry Hi Steve,
I agree with your statement that if it ... Jan 14 09, 13:21 ohsteve Larry, thanks for stopping by to read, I debated o... Jan 14 09, 21:34 Cleo_Serapis Hi Steve,
Nice change with that elipse in L1. I e... Jan 15 09, 06:45 Peggy Carpenter Harwood Hi Steve,
This is beautiful IMHO!
I am a ... Jan 17 09, 08:58 ohsteve I have revised a second time, I notice that I forg... Jan 17 09, 10:20 Peggy Carpenter Harwood Hi Steve,
I see a couple nits in revision 2.
2... Jan 17 09, 11:28 Cleo_Serapis Hi Steve,
Back again:
I awake...equate
lilies gr... Jan 17 09, 14:59 prerna bala i like the fact that the flowers are lilies, i can... Jan 18 09, 14:09 ohsteve I have revised again, but have tracked back to the... Jan 19 09, 16:41 Larry Hi again Steve,
QUOTE 3rd Revison
I awake...equa... Jan 26 09, 13:50 ohsteve Larry, thanks for the horticultural lesson, I don... Jan 28 09, 10:55 Larry Hi Steve,
Much better, and thanks to your choice ... Jan 28 09, 13:53 
prerna bala nice, steve; nice haiku Jan 29 09, 15:48 1 User(s) are reading this topic (1 Guests and 0 Anonymous Users)
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