 SUMMER'S DAY - Haiku [revised 23 Sep 2008], HAIKU |
Mosaic Musings...interactive poetry reviews > Archives > Archives > ARCHIVES -> Short Form Poetry -> Shogun's Psalms
 Sep 19 08, 01:53
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 Creative Chieftain  Posts: 2,587 Joined: 9-August 03 From: Australia Member No.: 17 Real Name: John Writer of: Poetry  |
Revision 10/03/2009
A much better version. Thank you Leo.   White coated aphids Sucking sap from blithe plum trees. Hot breeze fans my face. John Revision 23/09/2008 Aphids in white coats. Hot summer's breeze on my cheek. Blithe trees: sap sucking.  SUMMER'S DAY Aphids in white jackets. Hot summer's breeze on my cheek. Footsteps: tread gently. John ·······  ·······Arnfinn
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Sep 19 08, 08:44
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#2
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 Mosaic Master  Posts: 18,892 Joined: 1-August 03 From: Massachusetts Member No.: 2 Real Name: Lori Kanter Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:Imhotep |
Hi John,
I'm thinking you might want to find a sub for "hot summer's" without actually saying 'summer'. With such a short form to choose, I think each word should be carefully considered. Do you mind if I move this thread to Shogun's Psalms as that is where this should go since it contains less than 7 lines? You could also include the links to the other two poems you've already posted to let us know this is another stab at the same message/insipration. As to the extra syll in L1, it's not too big a deal (if you're not a formalist of Haiku) as long as the entire poem does not exceed 17. I'm not certain that the juxtaposition of footsteps in L3 to aphids in L1 is strong enough though? Perhaps a "flutter of footsteps" might link it more or some other characteristic of aphids that would give the last line that 'punch' that the form requires? Whatcha think? ~Cleo 
······· ·······"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings
Collaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. Kanter Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!  "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner     |
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Posts in this topic
Arnfinn SUMMER'S DAY - Haiku [revised 23 Sep 2008] Sep 19 08, 01:53 
Thoth Hi John,
Apart from the extra syllable in L1, it ... Sep 19 08, 06:04 Arnfinn Hi Wally,
Extra syllable in line one?
Aphids/ i... Sep 20 08, 07:13 Arnfinn Hi, Lori
The first lines Ok, no extra syllable. ... Sep 20 08, 07:19 Cleo_Serapis Hi John,
Moved the poem for you. We count Aphids ... Sep 20 08, 08:27 Peggy Carpenter Harwood Hi John,
Could you say, "Aphids in white coa... Sep 20 08, 19:01 Arnfinn Nah, Better explain.
This haiku is written in alp... Sep 21 08, 00:52 Peggy Carpenter Harwood Hi John,
My goodness! This sounds quite comp... Sep 21 08, 09:03 Cleo_Serapis Hey Peggy, the problem is universal : in Australia... Sep 21 08, 12:18 Arnfinn Hi Peg,
Nah, you have to believe in my veracity, ... Sep 22 08, 02:03 Arnfinn Hi Lori,
I knew you would agree with the rationa... Sep 22 08, 02:22 Cleo_Serapis Hi John - getting there with this one.
Instead o... Sep 22 08, 06:01 Arnfinn Well there's a lot of plum trees in Japan.
... Sep 23 08, 02:13 Cleo_Serapis Hi John,
If you're asking me, I prefer : bli... Sep 23 08, 05:32 Arnfinn Ok.
Aphids in white coats.
Hot summer's b... Sep 23 08, 05:55 Thoth Hi John,
I like the revision!
Wally Sep 25 08, 11:52 Arnfinn I appreciate your comments, Wally.
Mutch bette... Sep 26 08, 02:02 Sekhmet Hello Arnfinn - I like your aphids in white coats ... Mar 7 09, 11:55 Arnfinn G'day, Leonora.
White coated aphids
Suckin... Mar 7 09, 23:08 
ohsteve John, G'day mate, looks like you have this one... Mar 7 09, 23:19 1 User(s) are reading this topic (1 Guests and 0 Anonymous Users)
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