Come're Options

[Guest_sigh_*]

"Come're. Come here, to me."
Pretending not to see, to hear,
averting her gaze away,
her head shakes side to side,
lips pursed into a thin, tight line.

He smiles, and waits, she would come.
They always come to him; eventually.

Afternoon visitor upset with his lurking
shaking her helpless fist and cursing.
Offering exchange - a deal - foolish promises.
He looks away, as if he cannot see, or hear
not even bothering to pretend to care.

Persistant whispers:
"Come're. Come to me."
He would not chase her down,
Her pupils so large in the night -
so pretty; delicate flower; lovely.

Coaxing, "Come....come now to me".
From her bed she rises into his embrace,
thinking, "This is not so bad".
He savors her sweet breath, tenderly offering escape.
She remembers she's beautiful and she smiles.


Morning comes and they are gone
fragile old bones lay alone


The kiss of death

[Eisa]

Hi sigh -- ooh! I like the twist at the end here, very clever!

I feel that all this might need is a little trimming back -- a few thoughts (take of toss)

[ ] delete

"Come're. Come here, to me."
Pretending not to see[, to] or hear,
averting her gaze away,
her head shakes side to side,
lips pursed into a thin, tight line.

L1 -- You start with an abbreviation followed by the full 'come here'. Personally I would stick with either one or the other.

He smiles, and waits,
she would come.
They always come to him;
eventually.

A slight change in line changes might have more impact ????? ... perhaps.

Afternoon visitor upset with his lurking
shaking her helpless fist and cursing.
Offering exchange - a deal - foolish promises.
He looks away, as if he cannot see, or hear
not even bothering to pretend to care.

I like the slant rhymes of lurking and cursing in the 1st 2 lines.
L1 -- I don't feel is very clear -- is he the afternoon visitor?

Persistant whispers:
"Come're. Come to me."
He would not chase her down,
Her pupils so large in the night -
so pretty; delicate flower; lovely.

Coaxing, "Come....come now to me".
From her bed she rises into his embrace,
thinking, "This is not so bad".
He savors her sweet breath, tenderly offering escape.
[She] Remembering she's beautiful ,[and] she smiles.

L5 -- I've tried to miss out one 'she'


Morning comes and they are gone
fragile old bones lay alone

The kiss of death

A shattering ending -- very good!

I hope that something I've said helps in some way


Snow