Escape from Routine (Revision Three 18.06.08), FV - I NEED THOUGHTS ON FINAL REVISION Options

[Eisa]

I didn't get any comments on the final tweaking of this - so any thoughts?

Revision 3 [18.06.08]

Escape from Routine

Scents of seaweed candles mingle
with grilling fish fingers;
I drift away …

The hushed breeze
brushes my face
as heat haze shimmers.
Wafts of tasty barbecue plaice
spice the salty air.

I glance at seaside pictures
pinned to my memo board.

Pasty bodies recline on
boldly striped beach chairs
or sand spattered towels,
basted and ready to roast,

Distant boat sails tilt;
people crowd the blue, bobbing,
its undulating hum broken
by seagull’s chuckling uk uk uk.

Drumming a constant rhythm,
the washer tumbles dolphin decked towels
with blue and red-spotted swimwear.

On top a Disney bucket holds seaweed
for grandma’s aching feet.

We criss-cross dunes, exploring,
sand scratches between toes;
shells and pebbles collected
in a Mickey Mouse bucket.

Swollen feet cool,
treading seaweed carpets;
I giggle as tiddler’s fins tickle my toes.
Soaking up the ambiance
… I float back to children’s whispers,

making shell pictures for grandparents,
pebble paper weights are painted
for friend’s Christmas presents.

I smell fish fingers - almost burning!
“Tea’s ready kids.”

--------------------------------



Revision Two 2.06.08
Thanks Lori for the tweaks!

Escape from Routine

Scents of seaweed candles
mingle with grilling fish fingers;
I drift away …

The hushed breeze
brushes my face
as heat haze shimmers.
Wafts of tasty barbecue plaice
spice the salty air.

Pasty bodies recline on
boldly striped beach chairs
or sand spattered towels,
basted and ready to roast,

Distant boat sails tilt;
people crowd the blue, bobbing,
its undulating hum broken
by seagull’s chuckling uk uk uk.

Drumming a constant rhythm,
the washer tumbles dolphin decked towels
with blue and red-spotted swimwear.

We criss-cross dunes, exploring,
sand scratches between toes;
shells and pebbles collected
in a Mickey Mouse bucket.

Swollen feet cool,
treading seaweed carpets;
I giggle as tiddler’s fins tickle my toes.
Soaking up the ambiance
… I float back to children’s whispers,

making shell pictures for grandparents,
pebble paper weights are painted
for friend’s Christmas presents.


“Tea’s nearly ready kids.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Revision One 31.05.08

Escape from Routine

Scents of seaweed candles
mingle with grilling fish fingers;
I drift away …

The hushed breeze brushes my face
as heat haze shimmers.
Wafts of tasty barbecuing plaice,
spice the salty air.

Basted, ready to roast,
pasty bodies recline on
boldly striped beach chairs
or sand spattered towels

Distant boat sails tilt;
people crowd the blue, bobbing,
its undulating hum broken
by seagull’s chuckling uk uk uk.

Drumming a constant rhythm,
the washer tumbles dolphin decked
towels with blue and red-spotted swimwear.

We criss-cross dunes, exploring,
sand scratching between toes;
shells and pebbles collected
in a Mickey Mouse bucket.

Swollen feet cool, treading
seaweed carpets; I giggle as
tiddler’s fins tickle my toes.
Soaking up the ambiance
… I float back to children’s whispers,

making shell pictures for Grandparents
pebble paper weights are painted
for friends Christmas presents.

“Tea’s nearly ready kids”


-------------------------------------------

I don't think I've posted this on MM before. It's had quite a bit of revision, but I'd like to see if you can suggest any improvements.
Thanks!



Escape from Routine

The bay shimmers in a heat-haze;
a breeze barely murmurs.
Air is tinged with aromas of seaweed
and wafts of fish from café grills.

Dolphin decorated towels
are scattered between beach-chairs,
as lotion is spread to roast
virgin white bodies.

People crowd the ocean, bobbing;
vivid boat sails tilt.
The sea hums in undulation
to children’s excited squeals
that harmonize seagulls screeches.

I become a barefoot explorer,
gritty sand between my toes,
criss-crossing dunes,
collecting shells and pebbles
in a plastic bucket.

As the tide gushes froth
across scorching sand,
I tread on sea-grass and giggle,
as tiddler’s fins tickle toes.
I soak in the ambiance,
before the journey home.

The washer hums its constant rhythm
to children’s whispers,
while they make shell pictures
and paint pebble paper weights
for Christmas presents.

Reminiscing, I smile softly
as the aroma of fish fingers cooking
mingles with sea-weed candles.

[AMETHYST]

Hi Snow,

I don't remember this either, but then again, I recently read several of my own that I don't recall! LOL - There is some very strong images and I do like Linda's suggestion on beginning with the final stanza. You've created some amazing points of pleasing sounds that enhance the message and imagery. I especially like the coupling of 'heat-haze' that was like butter off my tongue.

Some further thoughts and comments to follow. I will surely keep my eye on this one...

Hugs, Liz

Escape from Routine

Love the title.

The bay shimmers in a heat-haze;
a breeze barely murmurs.
Air is tinged with aromas of seaweed
and wafts of fish from café grills.

L2, I felt that the word 'murmurs' could be enhanced with a substitute. Perhaps - something that gives a 'whisper' feeling.
L3, perhaps Air tinged with aromas of seaweed. Or perhaps adding a stronger detail like 'salty' - or perhaps brisk or is this spring, summer - this might be nice point to add a little scenery
L4, omit 'and' before wafts

Would look like -

The bay shimmers in a heat-haze;
as a breeze barely whispers.
Salty air is tinged with aromas of seaweed
wafts of fish from cafe' grills.

Dolphin decorated towels
are scattered between beach-chairs,
as lotion is spread to roast
virgin white bodies.

The image of dolphin decorated towels feels a little tellish for me or perhaps feels forced for alliterative sake. Perhaps something like sand strewn decorated towels are scattered. Perhaps something that adds motion to the imagery...

Sand strewn towels,
dolphin decorated
scattered about beach-chairs,
baring virgin white bodies
bathed in lotion and ready to roast.

This of course is nothing as good as you might come up with but hopefully it isn't too silly that it doesn't make sense. Old age is creeping in on me! LOL

People crowd the ocean, bobbing;
vivid boat sails tilt.
The sea hums in undulation
to children’s excited squeals
that harmonize seagulls screeches.

I would suggest to place after 'ocean' to view

People crowd the ocean to view
a bobbing; vivid boat sails tilt.
The sea strums an undulated hum
in harmony of children's excited squeals -
accompanied by seagulls screeches.

I become a barefoot explorer,
gritty sand between my toes,
criss-crossing dunes,
collecting shells and pebbles
in a plastic bucket.

Perhaps bringing 'collecting' to end L3
I have nothing else to offer this is a lovely, straight forward and full moving stanza.

As the tide gushes froth
across scorching sand,
I tread on sea-grass and giggle,
as tiddler’s fins tickle toes.
I soak in the ambiance,
before the journey home.

I like the way the images of the scene come into play as the narrator steps into view. Nicely done. The only small suggestion I might make is ...

I tread on sea-grass, giggle
as tiddler's fins tickle my toes
and soak in the ambiance
before the journey home.

The washer hums its constant rhythm
to children’s whispers,
while they make shell pictures
and paint pebble paper weights
for Christmas presents.

Reminiscing, I smile softly
as the aroma of fish fingers cooking
mingles with sea-weed candles.

Awwww ... what an awesome twist for the reader... LOVE IT!