Survival (REVISION - hope this works!), R&M Options

[Eisa]

Hi all

I've given this much thought and considered all suggestions. I have tried to cut down on the amount of I's and trimmed some parts which were slightly repetitive and generally cut out all unnecessaries to be more concise - tried to show rather than tell. I've rewritten rather than revised LOL! As with all revisions - there could be new problems - Please let me know.





Survival (Revision)

I wait … ensconced in my umbrageous hide
as unsuspecting creatures forage near.
My escalating hunger can’t subside;
their odours saturate the atmosphere.

Vibrations stir the undergrowth – I smell
a rat through flicking tongue and lie stock-still,
disguised in leaves. Anticipation swells;
unfocused vision won’t impede my skill.

Strike! … I quickly coil around him; death's
embrace, his limbs grow limp. Deprived of claws,
I seize head-on and taste his final breath,
while peristalsis draws him through my jaws.

Engorged, I glide towards my hiding place
where shadows camouflage from passing beast;
assailable I curl, yet heed them pace
nearby, as I digest this rodent feast.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

St3 was

I quickly coil around him; death
embraces, limbs grow limp. Deprived of claws

Last line was
nearby, while I digest my rodent feast.

___________________________________________________

(Original)

This is a very old one that's been revised many times -- but on reading it again, I feel some tweaking coming on. Any thoughts?

Survival

I wait, ensconced in my umbrageous hide
and feel excitement rise. The atmosphere
exudes aromas I’ve identified,
when unsuspecting creatures linger here.
My hazy sight restrains me, yet I feel
the ground vibrate and taste familiar scents
that fill the air. I freeze and don’t reveal
myself, until an opening presents.

I’m ready for the ambush, feeling tense
anticipation, ready for the kill.
A scurry from the shadows makes me sense
him near and I employ instinctive skill
to…strike! A silence swells my constant fear,
as coiling round his body, breath expires.
When limbs are limp, I know the end is near;
digestive juices flow as death transpires.
I have no paws to help me while I feed,
my jaws can open wide by my control.
Unrecognizable, I will succeed
engorging nature’s victim -- swallowed whole.

With bloated belly I’m revitalized.
I slither to my lair where I repose
alone. Obscured by darkness I’m disguised
and listen for the movements of my foes.

[Cleo_Serapis]

It's a great, memorable piece, Snow.

I sure wish you all the luck at IBPC, new judge for the next three months.

~Lori