Survival (REVISION - hope this works!), R&M Options

[Eisa]

Hi all

I've given this much thought and considered all suggestions. I have tried to cut down on the amount of I's and trimmed some parts which were slightly repetitive and generally cut out all unnecessaries to be more concise - tried to show rather than tell. I've rewritten rather than revised LOL! As with all revisions - there could be new problems - Please let me know.





Survival (Revision)

I wait … ensconced in my umbrageous hide
as unsuspecting creatures forage near.
My escalating hunger can’t subside;
their odours saturate the atmosphere.

Vibrations stir the undergrowth – I smell
a rat through flicking tongue and lie stock-still,
disguised in leaves. Anticipation swells;
unfocused vision won’t impede my skill.

Strike! … I quickly coil around him; death's
embrace, his limbs grow limp. Deprived of claws,
I seize head-on and taste his final breath,
while peristalsis draws him through my jaws.

Engorged, I glide towards my hiding place
where shadows camouflage from passing beast;
assailable I curl, yet heed them pace
nearby, as I digest this rodent feast.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

St3 was

I quickly coil around him; death
embraces, limbs grow limp. Deprived of claws

Last line was
nearby, while I digest my rodent feast.

___________________________________________________

(Original)

This is a very old one that's been revised many times -- but on reading it again, I feel some tweaking coming on. Any thoughts?

Survival

I wait, ensconced in my umbrageous hide
and feel excitement rise. The atmosphere
exudes aromas I’ve identified,
when unsuspecting creatures linger here.
My hazy sight restrains me, yet I feel
the ground vibrate and taste familiar scents
that fill the air. I freeze and don’t reveal
myself, until an opening presents.

I’m ready for the ambush, feeling tense
anticipation, ready for the kill.
A scurry from the shadows makes me sense
him near and I employ instinctive skill
to…strike! A silence swells my constant fear,
as coiling round his body, breath expires.
When limbs are limp, I know the end is near;
digestive juices flow as death transpires.
I have no paws to help me while I feed,
my jaws can open wide by my control.
Unrecognizable, I will succeed
engorging nature’s victim -- swallowed whole.

With bloated belly I’m revitalized.
I slither to my lair where I repose
alone. Obscured by darkness I’m disguised
and listen for the movements of my foes.

[heartsong7]

hi Snow,
I remember this...gave me chills.
I think you're nearly there. the only areas that gave me a slight pause are breath expires and death transpires.
expires alone means to breathe out (one's last breath) which makes breath unnecessary. it's true that expires can also mean simply, to cease so although technically it works, the 2 together strike me as bordering on redundant.
likewise death transpires (or happens) fits for meaning but seems an unusual way to express the act of dying.... may well be just me, though

end is near, is a bit cliche.
and this sentence:
A silence swells my constant fear,
as coiling round his body, breath expires.
reads as if it's the snake's breath that expires.
possible fix...
as silence swells my constant fear,
I coil around his body til it tires.
Then you could get expires in here:
as juices flow and slowly he expires.

I like the unique perspective.
Thank you for sharing this here.
sue

[Eisa]

Hi Sue - thanks for giving me so much to think on. To be honest, it's such a long time since this originated, that I have to wonder why I wrote some lines a certain way LOL!

hi Snow,
I remember this...gave me chills.
I think you're nearly there. the only areas that gave me a slight pause are breath expires and death transpires.
expires alone means to breathe out (one's last breath) which makes breath unnecessary. it's true that expires can also mean simply, to cease so although technically it works, the 2 together strike me as bordering on redundant.

I hadn't thought of that one - good thinking Sue!

likewise death transpires (or happens) fits for meaning but seems an unusual way to express the act of dying.... may well be just me, though

Yes - I know what you mean - it's not a very natural way of putting it.

end is near, is a bit cliche.Definitely!

and this sentence:
A silence swells my constant fear,
as coiling round his body, breath expires.
reads as if it's the snake's breath that expires.

Yes - that was one of the lines I felt did not sound right - it does sound like the snakes breath that's exprired

possible fix...
as silence swells my constant fear,
I coil around his body til it tires.
Then you could get expires in here:
as juices flow and slowly he expires.

Nice fix Sue - I'll keep that in mind

I like the unique perspective.
Thank you for sharing this here.
sue

I'm not sure when I'll get chance to come back to this, but I'm so grateful that I have something to think on now.

Thanks Sue

Snow