 A Little Travelin` Music...., You arn`t going to be a Prom Queen forever. |
Mosaic Musings...interactive poetry reviews > Archives > Archives > ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011
| Guest_Xanadu_* |
 Nov 30 07, 14:37
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The pipes are clanging
The washer`s banging out an overload opus. The neighbors bitchin` at your kids screamin` through the halls, cause it`s a snow day. Your last cigarette curls white rings around high school memories; senior pictures smudged n`, suspended in smoke. This post has been edited by Xanadu: Dec 5 07, 18:00 |
  
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Nov 30 07, 16:04
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#2
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Laureate Legionnaire  Posts: 3,446 Joined: 16-October 06 From: UK Member No.: 298 Real Name: Alan McAlpine Douglas Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Lori/Eisa/loads of old friends |
Dear X,
definitely has the makings. Some thoughts to have or toss : The pipes are frozen. The washer's broken. - add ' The neighbors bitchin`, and it`s a snow day. Your last cigarette wraps white rings around, - del comma ? High School memories; Senior pictures, - wondering if this should be seniorS ? smudged- - there should be a space before the dash ? suspended in smoke. - any reason why the last line is on 3 lines ? Love Alan ·······  ······· |
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Posts in this topic
Xanadu A Little Travelin` Music.... Nov 30 07, 14:37 
Xanadu Thank you for pointing our my boo boos. I`ll r... Nov 30 07, 20:21 Alan Dear Linda,
Aha, now I see the "suspended... Dec 1 07, 02:54 Xanadu Thanks Alan. I knew I had been instructed to add s... Dec 1 07, 10:51 
Xanadu I did some editing on this when I realized that I ... Dec 5 07, 18:04 1 User(s) are reading this topic (1 Guests and 0 Anonymous Users)
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