A CONSTANT GARDENER [revised 25 Mar 08], Wizard Award ~ A writers dilemma Options

[Guest_Xanadu_*]

Revision:

If only words would grow on vines,
I'd serve them up along these lines;
taste the crop that came to flower
and dine on prose from hour to hour.
Partake of leaves.
Partake of root.
I'd save the best
for last...
the fruit.


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Original


The seed of an idea as small as sand.
I want to grow at the end of my hand;
as if my arm were free to flower
some great prose hour to hour;
my fingers no more than a wonderland.

I place my hand to this clean page
and wait for it to behave a sage;
believing that it has some power,
until my fingers freeze, then cower;
proving themselves a dumb appendage.

That in my hand some phrase take root;
that it alone would bear the fruit,
not make of me some undergoer,
where perfect words to mind come slower;
then gladly would I be it`s prostitute.

[Mary Boren]

Some reviews mention terms I am not familiar with then do not bother to explain them.

Ouch. Be patient. I didn't want to talk down to an experienced writer. Here is a glossary of poetic terms in case I use another one that is unfamiliar.

http://www.poeticbyway.com/glossary.html

The reason rhymed poetry is considered out of vogue by many is that many continue to think it's supposed to be written in an archaic (obsolete) manner. Inverted speech, for example. In the Elizabethan era, people really did the backwards-talking thing like Yoda. ("When 900 years you reach, look as good, you will not.") Modern poetry can be written with economy and elevation and still reflect the language of our times.

The seed of an idea as small as sand,
I want to grow at the end of my hand;

Case in point. You want the seed of an idea to grow at the end of your hand, which is good imagery. It can be expressed without bending a sentence out of shape. You don't have to use hand for the rhyme word. That would free up sand for another poem where it might fit better.

as if my arm were free to flower
some great prose hour to hour;

Surely there are more descriptive adjectives than some and great.

my fingers no more than a wonderland.

Oops, your metaphor is meandering. I'm not getting the picture, because I associate wonderland with enchantment or dreams, not flowers or seeds.

I place my hand to this clean page
and wait for it to behave a sage;
believing that it has some power,
until my fingers freeze, then cower;
proving themselves a dumb appendage.

Do you mean behave like a sage? As noted, appendage doesn't rhyme with page and sage. Actually, you could lose this verse completely, as it does nothing to advance the metaphor.

That in my hand some phrase take root;
that it alone would bear the fruit,
not make of me some undergoer,
where perfect words to mind come slower;
then gladly would I be it`s prostitute.

Good, now we're back to gardening, but some undergoer and prostitute stick out like sore thumbs. Convenient rhyming, but out of their element here. Its is the possessive pronoun, it's is the contraction for it is.

You've achieved a passable accentual rhythm, but I'm with Sue on a preference for tighter meter. Your punctuation could be improved too -- too many semicolons, used incorrectly.

I think you're onto something with the idea. It deserves more work.

Mary