Words [Rev 2, 27 Oct], Rhyme in Heptameter Options

[Larry]

Revision #2 (thanks to Mary, Merlin & Amythyst)

Words

Strange lines, woven together in an odd, haphazard way,
are writhing on with twists and turns. Across the centuries
they’re painted, coarsely carved in caves; all meaning lost today,
or finely penned on parchment in precise calligraphy‘s

revealing goodness, evil, love or hatred, truth or lies;
reside where they’re ensconced, awaiting one who understands.
When heralding a birth or etched in stone at one’s demise,
each line is new. Though used before by many different hands;

they’re easily affordable to paupers and to kings.
The cost is naught but knowledge of their structure and portent.
Lines neither know the smiles or tears their convolution brings,
nor wait, with baited breath, returns, from where they’re sometimes sent.

From animal caricatures to geometric forms,
these lines give meaning to a thought, a way, a time or place.
Linguistically elusive, yet their shape, like mother’s arms;
when understood, brings to the mind the Words in warm embrace.

Dedicated to Wordsmiths everywhere and everywhen.

[AMETHYST]

Hi Larry,

I am beginning to look forward to sneaking into your threads. There has been such pleasures found each time. I see that you've received some strong and indepth critique and feedback already. So please forgive me if I reiterate or take a point already offered and expand my own thoughts as well.

...

Words

The title, thought simple, serves its position quite well come the end of the poem. As well as leads the reader in with a curiosity through its simplicity. A good choice. IMO

The lines, all strung together in a strange haphazard way
are writhing on with twists and turns across the centuries;
from coarsely carved within a cave, their meaning lost today;
to finely penned on parchment in precise calligraphy's.

The opening stanza is tight and crisp with images that express strong detail in meaning. Such as, in line 2, "are writhing on with twists and turns ...' It allows the reader to paint a picture of words taking shape in one's mind, as path or road that bends and narrows, turns and changes ... sort of like life or life force of its own. I felt this was a powerful image that captured my interest. In L3, ' ...coarsely carved within a cave, ... I also thought a fresh way of showing us the back to caveman times and how they carved images to express things as we do today with letters and a multitude of vehicles to write with. However, at end of L3 and L4 ... I felt that what you were trying to say was that in origins when writing was figures and drawings to represent what we now use letters and words to express ... those original ways to write and express have been lost as we now use parchment and the delicacyof calligraphy.

I think I kept wanting to say ... those drawings, carved within a cave, hold no meaning today/ to finely penned ...

Perhaps I am off in the intent or this weakens the meaning, so please discard or overlook if not within your intent. Or perhaps it might be an easy change in L2 to substitute that ; to , and begin L3 with 'when'

Some tell of good and evil, love and hate, or truth and lies;
are resting where they're placed, awaiting one who understands.
Though heralding a birth or etched in stone at one's demise;
forever new but used before by many different hands.

L1, I thought the 3 and's in the line felt fillerish. I like what the meaning is expressing. This stanza, follows up from S1 with nicely executed turn to bring 'words' to life. Enhancing the idea set in the readers mind that they have a life force of their own.
In L3, I wanted to say 'Wheather ...' as if regardless of what they are doing ... rejoicing a birth or expressing despair by being etched in stone at one's demise/ forever new, although penned before by many different hands.
(These are not suggested rewrites, as they are not within the meter/line length of the poem, but an attempt to show the change in words on how I perceive the meaning and to try and smooth out clarity. In L4, 'using although shows they are used by some with fresh with each 'new' event or expression, even though these words have been written before by someone else.)

What I liked most of this stanza was the condensing of the values we have placed on words to express the great depth of our life experiences. Over all, nicely done!

They're easily affordable to paupers and to kings;
for cost is naught but knowledge of their structure and portent.
They neither know the smiles nor tears their convolution brings,
or wait with baited breath, returns, from where they're sometimes sent.

I enjoyed the inner rhymes that seemed to bounce from one sound to another ... such as in 'affordable/paupers/cost/naught ... these all seemed to me to add just the right rhythm to bring movement to the stanza. I didn't read through all of your responses received, but scanned some and I do agree with Mary that L3/L4 lose me a bit. I know what you are saying, but felt it can be expressed with more clarity.

I will return to this with hopefully a worthy suggestion... it's like right on the tip of my mind and isn't to my finger tips yet! :)

From animal caricatures to geometric forms,
these lines give meaning to a thought, a way, a time, a place.
Linguistically elusive, yet their shape, like mother's arms;
when understood, brings to the mind the Words, in warm embrace.

L4, perhaps ...
when understood, brings to the mind, in words ... a warm embrace.

I love the intention of showing words taking shape and showing compareson to the warmth of a mothers arms around you...

I enjoyed this, Larry so very much... and although I felt there is still some work to be done to reach it's highest potential, I do have to give applause to how wonderful the read is presently.

Blessings, Liz