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Mosaic Musings...interactive poetry reviews > Archives > Archives > ARCHIVES -> Short Form Poetry -> Shogun's Psalms
 Oct 7 07, 08:15
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 Creative Chieftain  Posts: 11,435 Joined: 15-June 07 From: Springfield, Louisiana Member No.: 446 Real Name: Larry D. Jennings Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:Just wondered in.  |
Hugs Surrounded by warmth Consoling, comforting, love Touching skin and soul This is probably considered to be Senryu in a Haiku format and in that format, shouldn't be titled but I title all my Haiku. One of the liberties we Westerner's take when striving to emulate that beautiful Japanese art form. ·······  ·······When power leads man toward arrogance, poetry reminds him of his limitations. When power narrows the areas of man's concern, poetry reminds him of the richness and diversity of his existence. When power corrupts, poetry cleanses.
John Fitzgerald Kennedy Kindness is a seed sown by the gentlest hand, growing care's flowers. Larry D. Jennings MM Award Winner       |
  
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Oct 7 07, 09:04
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 Mosaic Master  Posts: 18,892 Joined: 1-August 03 From: Massachusetts Member No.: 2 Real Name: Lori Kanter Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:Imhotep |
Hi Larry,
Yes, I would agree that this is more likely a Senyru since it is about people (emotion) and lacks a season. It is very lovely!  I suggest one change for you to ponder and that is 'touches' instead of 'touching'. You could also gain two sylls in L2 if you were to drop the 'ing's. Just a thought. Cheers ~Cleo 
······· ·······"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings
Collaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. Kanter Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!  "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner       |
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Oct 7 07, 14:29
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Creative Chieftain Posts: 11,435 Joined: 15-June 07 From: Springfield, Louisiana Member No.: 446 Real Name: Larry D. Jennings Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:Just wondered in. |
QUOTE (Cleo_Serapis @ Oct 7 07, 09:04 )  Hi Larry, Yes, I would agree that this is more likely a Senyru since it is about people (emotion) and lacks a season. It is very lovely! I suggest one change for you to ponder and that is 'touches' instead of 'touching'. You could also gain two sylls in L2 if you were to drop the 'ing's. Just a thought. Cheers ~Cleo Cleo, Thanks for the confirmation on Senyru and I'm pleased you find it lovely.  I don't know if they require the same structural format as Haiku and yes, this one does not meet the "Nature" criteria unless one considers the nature of man. If I dropped the "ing's" though, I would have a 5-5-5 piece; which, to me, is not pleasing to the eye or ear. Both comforting and consoling are verb transitive and focus on causation for the person who receives pleasure or happiness from a hug. To lose the "ing" one must lose the mean-"ing".  Larry ······· ·······When power leads man toward arrogance, poetry reminds him of his limitations. When power narrows the areas of man's concern, poetry reminds him of the richness and diversity of his existence. When power corrupts, poetry cleanses.
John Fitzgerald Kennedy Kindness is a seed sown by the gentlest hand, growing care's flowers. Larry D. Jennings MM Award Winner |
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Posts in this topic
Larry Hugs Oct 7 07, 08:15 
4rum It IS consoling and comforting whatever the form. ... Oct 7 07, 09:29 
Larry QUOTE (4rum @ Oct 7 07, 09:29 ) It IS con... Oct 7 07, 13:53 Lady Poet Hi Larry,
It's superb! Absolutely one of ... Oct 7 07, 10:40 Larry QUOTE (Lady Poet @ Oct 7 07, 10:40 ) Hi L... Oct 7 07, 14:32 Eisa Hi Larry
Like everyone else, this has given me a ... Jan 26 08, 10:37 Larry Hi Snow,
Glad my efforts brought you a warm glow.... Feb 13 08, 10:13 Cleo_Serapis That would work there Larry, as you suggest above ... Feb 13 08, 10:23 bombadil1247 Hi, Larry,
I've always believed that less is ... May 10 08, 11:10 Larry Hi Jim,
If I were to shorten my poem that much, i... Jun 6 08, 09:20 ohsteve Larry, I agree with your 5-7-5 on hiaku as for tit... Aug 28 08, 15:35 Sekhmet Hello Larry - I enjoyed this Senyru enormously, a... Feb 16 09, 11:03 Eisa QUOTE (Sekhmet @ Feb 16 09, 16:03 ) Hello... Feb 16 09, 16:35 Larry Hi Leo,
Thank you for the resurrection of "H... Feb 17 09, 01:16 Sekhmet Good morning Snow - it was so good of you to, ... Feb 17 09, 03:41 Sekhmet Good morning, Larry. Thank you so much for lettin... Feb 17 09, 04:02 Eisa Hi Leo
I hope you have had chance to read some of... Feb 17 09, 11:28 Peggy Carpenter Harwood Hi Larry,
What a heartwarming and beautiful senry... Feb 17 09, 21:42 1 User(s) are reading this topic (1 Guests and 0 Anonymous Users)
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