Out Of View ~ Revised 8/18/07, Free Verse Options

[AMETHYST]

This was from an exercise to begin your first line of a poem with Leonard Cohen's Chelsea Hotel first line -: I Remember You Well - located at Absolute Write.



~~~~~3rd Revision~~~~~~~~~

Out Of View -

I remember you, well rounded
and reserved. A proper boy
mother would serve apple pie, topped
with vanilla swirl. If she only had seen
that gleam of seduction
sashaying against the cinnamon air,
the quick toe-touches of footsie
and glints of wet
after your lips pressed mine -
she too, would remember you well.





~~~~~2nd Revision~~~~~~~~~~~

Out Of View -

I remember you. Well rounded
-- reserved; A proper boy
mother had served apple pie, topped
with vanilla swirl to. If she had only seen
that gleam of seduction
sashaying against the cinnamon air,
the quick toe touching of footsie
and glints of wet
after your lips pressed mine -
she too, would remember you well.


*In the final line, I have added 'too' to stress she would have the same opinion of him as the narrator... does it work with or without the 'too' -






~~~~~~~Revision~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Out Of View -

I remember you. Well rounded
and reserved. A proper boy
and mother served you apple pie, topped
with vanilla swirl. If she had only seen
that gleam of seduction
sashaying against the cinnamon air,
the quick toe touching of footsie
and glints of wet
after your lips pressed mine -
she would remember you well.





~~~~~~~~~Original~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Out Of View -

I remember you. Well rounded
and reserved. A proper boy
mother could serve apple pie to, topped
with vanilla swirl. If she had only seen
the gleam of seduction
sashaying against the cinnamon air, *
the quick toe touching of footsie
and glints of wet
after your lips pressed mine -
she would remember you well.



*corrected typo-from cinnomon to cinnamon

This post has been edited by Cleo_Serapis: Sep 29 07, 14:40

Reason for edit: Corrected Typo

[Peterpan]

Hi Liz~

I have not read all the comments and suggestions but, hey, this is a real beauty! I loved the innocence and the passion all in one poem!

My husband LOVES Leonard Cohen and I enjoy him but, sometimes I find him too depressing?

Thank you for sharing this poem! I enjoy reading all your treasures.

Peterpan

[AMETHYST]

Dear Beverly, Don, Sylvia and Sue ...

Please forgive me that I have not responded to this thread. I completely forgot about it and although I don't normally forget threads, this one just slid from my mind. I am so very sorry for this delay...

Bev

I personally hadn't read anything of his but I hear great things about him so I might try him on for size...I am trying to find the poem of his that begins with
I remember you well.

Thank you for the comments on the poem. I was thrilled to finally write something fresh... with some potential! :)

Hugs Liz ...


Hi Don,

Again please accept my apologies, it is old age seeping in! LOL Anyway, thank you for those suggestions I will certainly keep them in mind along with the other suggestions received on this when I attempt revision. Hopefully I should have something worthy in the next couple of days.

I do think the suggestion of moving down ' If she had only seen' on a line of it's own it will work well.

Best Wishes, Liz


Hi Sylvia

Thank you for all that information on Leonard Cohen! I am excited to have a place to begin reading on him. I will send you email to let you know what I think of his body of work... tsk, tsk ... no not his body LOL Anyway, you've left wonderful comments I am glad you got the jest of the underlying meaning, as did Sue!

I look forward to doing some minor reworkings on this - I felt good finally writing a poem that I felt had some substance...

I will be keeping your thoughts close to eye's veiw during revision...

Hugs, Liz



Hey Sue,

First please accept my apology for the delay in responded to this thread, I forgot all about it, with limited on line time recently I seemed to be doing most of the critiques and checking the board and out of sight, out of mind...

Anyway, thank you for your supportive comments. I am so very glad you got the underlying meanings intended and left to the reader's imagination... That was exactly what I had hoped would seep through.

I will be presenting a revision in a day or two, but I would appreciate it if you took a look at it to make sure I don't lose what works in leading the reader to their imagination... I don't want to lose the underlying implications....

Thank you and big hugs, Liz