Grounded / Limitless (Other Final Version), Italian Sonnet Pair Options

[Mary Boren]

I hope I'm not running afoul of posting guidelines by including two sonnets here, but one is crucial to the other. I'm actually seeking critique only on the second, as the first was pretty thoroughly workshopped years ago and I'm fairly satisfied that it adequately expressed what I wanted to say back then. That's not to say I would discount any suggestions on either -- all my poems (like my attitude :) remain open for improvement at any time.



March 8, 2001

GROUNDED

The looking glass reveals a creaseless brow
transposed against her face to disabuse
the notion she is aging. Truth subdues
the vision. Like her hair, her youth somehow
is running down the bathtub drain, and now
her bearing and behavior (like her shoes)
are sensible. "The mirror is a ruse,"
she sighs. "I'm just an old contented cow."

She'd planned on parachuting once, immune
to gravity -- weak ankles redefined
the plan. At times she cocks her head, intent
on hearing fragments of an uncaught tune
that blink and fade like fireflies in her mind.
She can't remember how the lyrics went.

August 6, 2007

LIMITLESS

An old contented cow? No sir, no moos
today. The pall of seven years ago
has lifted. Exercise restored the glow
of health, old pumps replaced by running shoes.
As dancing in the rain uncovered clues
to summon the forgotten things I know,
my feet found purchase on a new plateau.
Surrounding me are vast, unbounded views.

For being fully present is a choice.
I'm soaring now, aloft on silk and string,
skydiving on a sunny afternoon.
I'm belting out an anthem in a voice
of gratitude beyond imagining.
The lyrics are as vivid as the tune.

-------------
Second revised octave:

An old contented cow? Not so today!
The apathy of seven years ago
has lifted. Exercise restored the glow
of vibrancy; love chased away the gray.
As synergetic force allied with play
to summon the forgotten things I know,
my feet found purchase on a new plateau.
The view is limitless in every way.

-------------
First revised octave:

She's just an old contented cow, you say?
Begone! The gloom of seven years ago
has lifted. Exercise restored the glow
of vibrancy; love chased away the gray.
As synergetic force allied with play
to summon the forgotten things I know,
my feet found purchase on a new plateau
from where the view is limitless today.


-------------
Line replaced:
My heart sings like an angel, with a voice

[AMETHYST]

Mary I am amazed at how the revision is so stunning ... I couldn't imagine there being any way or reason to rework it, and yet - there you go making what was hugh punch in a pleasure point, and knocks me out with this updated version.

I read the poem at the link for Robert Kogan, I wish I could live in that world too... one day perhaps ... one day!