Nightmare's Chamber ~ Swap Quatrain, Revised ~ 6/20/07 (a complete turnaround) Options

[Guest_Cathy_*]

I did some refresh research on the Swap Quatrain and discovered that it should have iambic meter. Well... the last verse in the original didn't so it's been rewritten and a verse added. Let me know what you think please?

Nightmare's Chamber ~ Swap Quatrain (Revision 2)

As darkness spreads... a raven cries;
low-sailing sun turns red and dyes
the fading light with crimson threads.
A raven cries as darkness spreads...

When midnight drapes, dank chambers reek
of shadows, weary as they seek
lost souls who drift in moonlit crepes;
dank chambers reek when midnight drapes.

Pale silhouettes of mists ensnare
soft winds still whisp'ring unaware
of pending grief; a coronet
of mists ensnare pale silhouettes.

Sweet angels weep in ancient dreams
as thoughts presage prophetic themes.
Dark velvet eyes fear Satan's sleep
in ancient dreams; sweet angels weep.


The darkness fed... a raven cried;
the failing sun turned red and died.
As waning light to crimson bled,
a raven cried... the darkness fed.

Cathy Bollhoefer
copyright Aug 2006



Revision 1

Nightmare's Chamber ~ Swap Quatrain

Sweet angels weep in ancient dreams
as thoughts presage prophetic themes.
Soft velvet eyes fear Satan's sleep;
in ancient dreams, sweet angels weep.

As midnight drapes, dank chambers reek
of shadows weary as they seek
lost souls who drift in moonlit crepes;
dank chambers reek as midnight drapes.

A silhouette of mist ensnares
the winds still whisp'ring unaware
of silent grief; a coronet
of mist ensnares a silhouette.

The darkness spreads... a raven cries;
low-sailing sun turns red and dyes
pale streaks of light with crimson threads.
A raven cries; the darkness spreads...

Cathy Bollhoefer
copyright Aug 2006

S3 L1 A silhouette of hope ensnares
L2 high winds still whisp'ring unaware
L3 for silent grief and deep regret
L4 of hope ensnares a silhouette


Original~

Nightmare's Chamber ~ Swap Quatrain

Sweet angels weep in ancient dreams
as thoughts presage prophetic theme.
Dark velvet eyes fear Satan's sleep;
in ancient dreams, sweet angels weep.

As midnight drapes, dank chambers reek
of shadows weary as they seek
lost souls who drift in moonlit crepes;
dank chambers reek as midnight drapes.

When comes the morrow - hearts implore;
yet winds still whisper Nevermore!
In silent grief and gripping sorrow,
hearts implore, when comes the morrow?

Cathy Bollhoefer
copyright Aug 2006

S1 L2 - as thoughts flow in prophetic theme
S2 L3 - for souls who drift in ghostly capes
S3 L3 - In silent grief and deepest sorrow
S2 L3 - 'for' to 'lost'
S1 L3 - dark velvet eyes who fear to sleep
S2 L1 & 4 'the' to 'dank'
midnight
weary
chamber(s)
angels
dreams
ancient
nevermore
morrow
velvet
prophet(ic)

[JustDaniel]

This has an excellent flow, Cat... and as I expected, your grasp of swap quatrain is becoming more creative. Excellent enjambement.

I see no nits but a few placements of your punctuation -- which is always open to interpretaton, not only of the poem, but the 'meaning' of a particular punctuation, like the semi-colon.

deLighting in your swapability, Daniel

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Thank you Daniel!

I think next to the Quatern this will become a favorite! Now, you know I've always had trouble with punctuation. lol Let me know what you think needs changed and I will check it out. I appreciate your input no matter what it might concern.

Thanks for dropping in~
Cat

[AMETHYST]

Hi Cathy,

Wow, you've met the expectations of the Ten Times Challenge with a fierce handle of this new form for you. Excellent work. The subject is something I am fond of and how you've brought such lovely images of angels weeping, dark velvet eyes (great image) The final stanza is applaudable. The ending brings closure and continuously works the strong images through to the final line to clearly state the meanings. I think you've done beautiful work with the swaping lines. It barely goes noticed, so smooth and affective.

Some thoughts to follow... Please use them or toss them, but either way... GREAT WORD WORKING!

Hugs, Liz

Nightmare's Chamber ~ Swap Quatrain

I liked this title, because it draws the reader immediately into the knowledge that this dreamscape, enters the narrator into a chamber of sadness while in dream.

Sweet angels weep in ancient dreams
as thoughts flow in prophetic theme.
Dark velvet eyes who fear to sleep;
in ancient dreams, sweet angels weep.

L2, felt clumsey, slightly.
Perhaps... as thoughts become prophetic themes.
Love that detail of dark velvet eyes. Nice and fresh painting.
Good swap, smooth and unintrusive...

As midnight drapes, the chambers reek
of shadows weary as they seek
for souls who drift in ghostly capes;
the chambers reek as midnight drapes.

Again, great swapping lines. Not a nit here... great imagery.

When comes the morrow, hearts implore;
yet winds still whisper Nevermore!
In silent grief and deepest sorrow,
hearts implore, When comes the morrow.

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Hi Liz,

Wow, you've met the expectations of the Ten Times Challenge with a fierce handle of this new form for you. Excellent work.

Thank you!

The subject is something I am fond of and how you've brought such lovely images of angels weeping, dark velvet eyes (great image)

Thank you again! *smiles*

The final stanza is applaudable. The ending brings closure and continuously works the strong images through to the final line to clearly state the meanings. I think you've done beautiful work with the swaping lines. It barely goes noticed, so smooth and affective.

I'm glad you thought they weren't too noticeable. I always worry about that when using repetition. I'm also glad you found the images to be strong and clear. Thanks!

Some thoughts to follow... Please use them or toss them, but either way... GREAT WORD WORKING!

Hugs, Liz

Thanks ... again! lol



QUOTE

Nightmare's Chamber ~ Swap Quatrain

I liked this title, because it draws the reader immediately into the knowledge that this dreamscape, enters the narrator into a chamber of sadness while in dream.

Thanks! This is one title I was happy with!

Sweet angels weep in ancient dreams
as thoughts flow in prophetic theme.
Dark velvet eyes who fear to sleep;
in ancient dreams, sweet angels weep.

L2, felt clumsey, slightly.
Perhaps... as thoughts become prophetic themes. This is a bit smoother!
Love that detail of dark velvet eyes. Nice and fresh painting.
Good swap, smooth and unintrusive... Thank you!

As midnight drapes, the chambers reek
of shadows weary as they seek
for souls who drift in ghostly capes;
the chambers reek as midnight drapes.

Again, great swapping lines. Not a nit here... great imagery. And thanks yet again! lol

When comes the morrow, hearts implore;
yet winds still whisper Nevermore!
In silent grief and deepest sorrow,
hearts implore, When comes the morrow.


It's not often I write a poem where I get these kinds of remarks and very few nits. I actually felt pretty comfortable with this one although I may make some minor changes. I appreciate your thoughts and will keep them in mind...

Thanks for dropping in~
Cathy

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Revision posted! Thanks all!

Cathy

[AMETHYST]

Hi Cathy,

Just read the revisions, I think your new choice words are quite wonderful... I especially loved the use of 'presage' A most effective word to use within the meaning and image of your intentions. I have read the word and have been familiar, but I had to look it up for the true meaning and was quite enchanted that I now have learned a new word that would fit a poem I've been working on for a couple of years. I am thrilled, like finding a new treasure.

Nightmare's Chamber ~ Swap Quatrain

Sweet angels weep in ancient dreams
as thoughts presage prophetic theme.
Dark velvet eyes who fear to sleep;
in ancient dreams, sweet angels weep.

As midnight drapes, the chambers reek
of shadows weary as they seek
for souls who drift in moonlit crepes;
the chambers reek as midnight drapes.

L3, perhaps ... lost souls who drift in moonlit crepes; ...

Loved your changes here as well.


When comes the morrow hearts implore;
yet winds still whisper Nevermore!
In silent grief and gripping sorrow,
hearts implore, When comes the morrow?

EXCELLENT! This is a keeper... Have you been researching markets to send your poetry to... ????

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Hi Liz,

I'm sorry I haven't responded sooner but it's been a rough few days...


Hi Cathy,

Just read the revisions, I think your new choice words are quite wonderful... I especially loved the use of 'presage' A most effective word to use within the meaning and image of your intentions. I have read the word and have been familiar, but I had to look it up for the true meaning and was quite enchanted that I now have learned a new word that would fit a poem I've been working on for a couple of years. I am thrilled, like finding a new treasure.

*smiles* I'm glad you found something you could use and equally glad that I was indirectly responsible... lol

Nightmare's Chamber ~ Swap Quatrain

Sweet angels weep in ancient dreams
as thoughts presage prophetic theme.
Dark velvet eyes who fear to sleep;
in ancient dreams, sweet angels weep.

As midnight drapes, the chambers reek
of shadows weary as they seek
for souls who drift in moonlit crepes;
the chambers reek as midnight drapes.

L3, perhaps ... lost souls who drift in moonlit crepes; ... This does sound better - thanks!

Loved your changes here as well. Thank you!


When comes the morrow hearts implore;
yet winds still whisper Nevermore!
In silent grief and gripping sorrow,
hearts implore, When comes the morrow?

EXCELLENT! This is a keeper... Have you been researching markets to send your poetry to... ????

Yikes!! I would have no idea what to do with them! lol

Thanks! I'm glad you like the changes!

Cathy

[JustDaniel]

Excellent revision, and I trust that you'll adopt Liz' suggestion re 'lost'... since 'seek' needs no 'for' anyhow, and that word fills out the meaning excellently. You all have done some excellent workshopping that my old eyes didn't see as necessary until it began! Superb job, Cat...

There could be more that we could say:
Could this presage a book? We'll pray
that you'll the publishing explore...
that we could say: There could be more!

... so GO FOR IT, Cat!

deLighting in your craftsmanship, Daniel

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Hi Daniel,

Yep, I'm going to use Liz's suggestion but as to a book... lol I tried that once remember??

Cat

PS... I'm glad you like the revisions! Thanks!

[JustDaniel]

The fact that you don't have the publication is certainly not your fault, Cat... and you still have the manuscript to resubmit elsewhere, ya know... plus a lot more you've perfected since!

deLighting in the journey, Daniel

P.S. I've yet to submit one, so you're way ahead of me!

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Hey Daniel,

Yes, I know it's not my fault but it still makes me a bit leary of trusting anyone. *smiles* If I should decide to do it maybe I'll do quaterns and swap quatrains. Toot! Toot! lol

Cat

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Cathy.

Well done with this SQ mused from a Times Ten!

I like the idea in this - that there is always something evil lurking, waiting for angels to take their attention elsewhere. Of course, the 'dark angel' theme here fits well with 'nightmares'. Although Swap Quatrain params state not to repeat the same rhyme scheme, poetic license is all good here (and it's not exact so what the heck).

Please take or toss these few items below as you wish.
Cheers
~Cleo


Sweet angels weep in ancient dreams
as thoughts presage [portend] prophetic theme.
Dark velvet eyes who fear to sleep;
in ancient dreams, sweet angels weep.
(In L3, I think ‘who’ is throwing me? Could you say:
Dark velvet eyes dread Evil's (or Satan's) sleep; )

As midnight drapes, the [dank] chambers reek
of shadows weary as they seek
lost souls who drift in moonlit crepes; (Interesting use of crepes)
the [dank] chambers reek as midnight drapes.

When comes the morrow [-] hearts implore;
yet winds still whisper Nevermore!
In silent grief and gripping sorrow,
hearts implore, [w]hen comes the morrow?

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Hi Lori!

Well done with this SQ mused from a Times Ten!

Thank you!

I like the idea in this - that there is always something evil lurking, waiting for angels to take their attention elsewhere. Of course, the 'dark angel' theme here fits well with 'nightmares'.

Thanks! I'm not sure where the idea came from. Must have been the mood I was in that day! LOL

Although Swap Quatrain params state not to repeat the same rhyme scheme, poetic license is all good here (and it's not exact so what the heck).

I'm assuming you are referring to sleep, weep, reek, seek? Close but not perfect! LOL Poetic license... that's it... that's what I'm claiming!

Please take or toss these few items below as you wish.
Cheers
~Cleo


Sweet angels weep in ancient dreams
as thoughts presage [portend] prophetic theme. I considered that and I think I chose 'presage' because it's not used as often.
Dark velvet eyes who fear to sleep;
in ancient dreams, sweet angels weep.
(In L3, I think ‘who’ is throwing me? Could you say:
Dark velvet eyes dread Evil's (or Satan's) sleep; ) Hmmm... I like this. Thanks!

As midnight drapes, the [dank] chambers reek I like this too! LOL And I'm always suggesting to others to use a descriptive instead of 'the' and I go and do it myself!
of shadows weary as they seek
lost souls who drift in moonlit crepes; (Interesting use of crepes) A material thin enough to float on the air as they drift down lonely hallways... or where ever. *smiles*
the [dank] chambers reek as midnight drapes.

When comes the morrow [-] hearts implore;
yet winds still whisper Nevermore!
In silent grief and gripping sorrow,
hearts implore, [w]hen comes the morrow?

Thanks for the wonderful suggestions! I will be using them for sure~

Cathy

[Cleo_Serapis]

Yes, poetic license is all good!

Love the revision!



Well done milady!
~Cleo

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Revision posted! Your thoughts would be appreciated~

Thanks,
Cathy

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Cathy.

Your revised last two stanzas are an improvement methinks. For some reason the nevermore didn't quite work.

My question here has to do with this stanza:

A silhouette of hope ensnares
high winds still whisp'ring unaware;
for silent grief and deep regret
of hope ensnares a silhouette.

I keep reading this as "deep regret of hope ensnares" - I would think the narrator wishes that hope survives without regret so cannot be ensnared by a silhouette? I might be reading this stanza incorrectly - but I doodled an alternate idea just to stir your muse to show that prayers offer hope against the silhouette (with a slight twist on the closing 'prayer's":

A silhouette of sanguine prayers
ensnare unspoken hopes, aware
that silent grief and deep regret
of sanguine prayer’s – a silhouette.

Enjoyed the introduction of the raven for it's symbolism in the closing too!

Well done Cathy!
~Cleo

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Hi Lori,

I was just about to do away with that verse but once again you've given me something to think about with your suggestion. I like the direction you've taken with it and will give it some serious thought before deciding what to do. I'm glad you like the addition of the raven. I thought it was appropriate! LOL

Thanks for your input~

Cathy

[AMETHYST]

Oh Cathy I remember this one and I like the changes thus far. Actually I didn't think there was room for further improvement. It really is smooth to the ear and mind. Some in line thoughts and comments, and if by chance I come across a tumble I will let you know.

Hugs, Liz ...

Nightmare's Chamber ~ Swap Quatrain

Sweet angels weep in ancient dreams
as thoughts presage prophetic themes.
Soft velvet eyes fear Satan's sleep;
in ancient dreams, sweet angels weep.

The rhythm is breath-taking. Smooth and soft to the ear and follows through without any unnatural pauses or stumbles. I relaly like the change in L2, presage - the 'age' sound bounces back onto 'angels in L1. The flow is capturing. The sense of drama rises slight in L3 which gives the reader a moment of surprise which works well.

As midnight drapes, dank chambers reek
of shadows weary as they seek
lost souls who drift in moonlit crepes;
dank chambers reek as midnight drapes.

L2, perhaps 'peek' is more closer to intent. seek, to me, feels like someone is out searching but has not found it. However in L3, it paints a picture that the souls are lost and the narrator is viewing these lost souls, not that the narrator is looking for them. I envision the narrator onviewing the drifting souls, flowing through the moonlit crepes (excellent image) and they are looking for their way. It might just be me. The line change over is commendable. YAHOOOO...


A silhouette of hope ensnares
high winds still whisp'ring unaware;
for silent grief and deep regret
of hope ensnares a silhouette.

Oh my this is delicious. The sense of dramatic undertone builds here, yet still maintaining an innocence. The word choices are perfect, especially L3... 'for silent grief and deep regret' EXCELLENT!

The darkness spreads... a raven cries;
low-sailing sun turns red and dyes
pale streaks of light with crimson threads.
A raven cries; the darkness spreads...


Excellent ending. Bowing to you Cathy ... What I felt worked best about this ending is how it leaves the reader with specks of their own assumtions. The way the picture, the visual picture presented unfolds and reveals the ending. I loved your use of dyes ... Excellent... just excellent

Cathy Bollhoefer
copyright Aug 2006

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Oh Cathy I remember this one and I like the changes thus far. Actually I didn't think there was room for further improvement. It really is smooth to the ear and mind. Some in line thoughts and comments, and if by chance I come across a tumble I will let you know.

Hugs, Liz ...

Thank you!

Nightmare's Chamber ~ Swap Quatrain

Sweet angels weep in ancient dreams
as thoughts presage prophetic themes.
Soft velvet eyes fear Satan's sleep;
in ancient dreams, sweet angels weep.

The rhythm is breath-taking. Smooth and soft to the ear and follows through without any unnatural pauses or stumbles. I relaly like the change in L2, presage - the 'age' sound bounces back onto 'angels in L1. The flow is capturing. The sense of drama rises slight in L3 which gives the reader a moment of surprise which works well.

Thanks Liz! I like 'presage' too... it's not often you see that word.

As midnight drapes, dank chambers reek
of shadows weary as they seek
lost souls who drift in moonlit crepes;
dank chambers reek as midnight drapes.

L2, perhaps 'peek' is more closer to intent. seek, to me, feels like someone is out searching but has not found it. However in L3, it paints a picture that the souls are lost and the narrator is viewing these lost souls, not that the narrator is looking for them. I envision the narrator onviewing the drifting souls, flowing through the moonlit crepes (excellent image) and they are looking for their way. It might just be me. The line change over is commendable. YAHOOOO...

Thanks again~ I think the shadows are seeking the lost souls, maybe to lead them home? *smiles* 'Flowing through the moonlit crepes'... now that's an interesting interpretation of the image. Works quite well IMO. The actual thought was that the lost souls are wearing moonlit crepes. You know how in the movies the ghost is always drifting around in a sheer white gown of some sort. Now I have dual images! LOL

A silhouette of hope ensnares
high winds still whisp'ring unaware;
for silent grief and deep regret
of hope ensnares a silhouette.

Oh my this is delicious. The sense of dramatic undertone builds here, yet still maintaining an innocence. The word choices are perfect, especially L3... 'for silent grief and deep regret' EXCELLENT!

Thank you! That's a bit odd that you would like this verse so well. I'm not too sure of it myself, being a bit unsure of the clarity and Lori was a bit confused by it as well. It all hinges on 'regret'. Hope shouldn't be regretted.

The darkness spreads... a raven cries;
low-sailing sun turns red and dyes
pale streaks of light with crimson threads.
A raven cries; the darkness spreads...


Excellent ending. Bowing to you Cathy ... What I felt worked best about this ending is how it leaves the reader with specks of their own assumtions. The way the picture, the visual picture presented unfolds and reveals the ending. I loved your use of dyes ... Excellent... just excellent

Thanks Liz! I like cliff-hangers! LOL How far is it going to spread, what else will be revealed, will it come for me???

Thanks for taking a look-see and adding your thoughts. They are most appreciated and I thank you for the lavish compliments!

Cathy

Cathy Bollhoefer
copyright Aug 2006