Sisters Options

[JLY]

Author's note: One of my closest friends asked me to write a poem for her sister, Marcia. Before I give this to them, I need to have you provide me with your suggestions for improvement, etc. Thanks.


1st Revision: June 14

SISTERS

Marcia colored my world
with mirthful imagination;
our glorious fantasies
elicited wondrous fascination.

Dreams of delirious adventures
inspired feelings we shared,
secrets we faithfully pledged
would never be betrayed.

Cherished cheerful memories
of our very first crush;
our craziest experiences
made Mom & Dad blush.

Indulged joyous moments,
skirted dispiriting sorrows
while traveling a highway,
to vivid, thrilling tomorrows.

While reminiscing life together,
hilarious, giddy smiles abound…

playing with dolls of childhood,
mop dancing in the basement,
summer vacations in Wildwood,
an occasional silly argument
about who would clean the room;
bologna sandwiches and lemonade,
tasty delights we longed to consume;
none of these, I would ever trade!

Always there, lending support,
quelling doleful, anxious tears,
she offered infectious laughter,
to erase my trivial fears.

Marcia’s warm, spirited soul
embraces loving emotions
of compassionate affection
and tender, heartfelt devotion.

SISTERS

Marcia taught me to love life
with mirthful imagination;
our glorious fantasies
elicited wondrous celebration.

Dreams of crazy escapades
inspired feelings we shared,
we pledged our secrets
would never be betrayed.

Cherished fond memories
of our very first crush;
our craziest adventures
made Mom & Dad blush.

Savored joyous moments,
skirted dispiriting sorrows
while traveling a highway,
to vivid, thrilling tomorrows.

Treasured moments are many,
Betsy Wetsy dolls of childhood,
mop dancing in the basement
summer vacations in Wildwood.

Marcia was always there
to quell my doleful tears,
offering infectious laughter,
erasing my trivial fears.

Never one to be spellbound
by fickle first impressions,
she treasured sincerity
as truest form of expression.

Infused with compassion
and sentimental emotions
she unselfishly surrounds us
with tender, heartfelt devotion.

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi John

Marcia sounds like a good friend to have and lots of fun to be with. I think her sister will really appreciate this poem you've written.

A few thoughts, take or leave as you wish:

[add {delete} comment

Marcia taught me to love life
with mirthful imagination;
our glorious fantasies
elicited wondrous celebration.

Dreams of crazy escapades
inspired feelings we shared,
we pledged our secrets ..it might muck up the meter but you could say "secrets pledged"
would never be betrayed.

Cherished fond memories ...cherished and fond say more-or-less the same thing.
of our very first crush;
our craziest adventures
made Mom & Dad blush.

Savored joyous moments, ..do you need both savored and joyous?
skirted dispiriting sorrows
while traveling a highway,
to vivid, thrilling tomorrows.

Treasured moments are many, ..You used moments in the first line of the previous verse
Betsy Wetsy dolls of childhood,
mop dancing in the basement
summer vacations in Wildwood.

suggestion

Many treasured hours
playing with toys of childhood;
mop dancing in the basement;
summer vacations in Wildwood.

Marcia was always there
to quell {my} doleful tears,
offering infectious laughter,
erasing {my} trivial fears.

Never one to be spellbound
by fickle first impressions,
she {treasured} [values] sincerity ..you used treasured already. Perhaps in the present as I'm sure she still likes sincerity
as truest form of expression.

Infused with compassion
and sentimental emotions
she unselfishly surrounds us
with tender, heartfelt devotion.

Thanks for the read.

Nina

[JLY]

Nina,
Thank you so much. Everyone of your suggestions is right on target and they are most helpful as I will be presenting this poem at a Father's Day party. I am going to work on your thoughtful ideas right now.
JLY

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi John.

This is the one I think you mentioned to me?

What a lovely poem! The only think I spot is here (because it doesn't rhyme as the other stanzas do):

Dreams of delirious adventures
inspired feelings we shared, (maybe weighed or laid here)
secrets we faithfully pledged
would never be betrayed.

Thanks!
~Cleo

[JLY]

Lori,
Thanks.....I missed that; wish I knew sooner. It's already printed and fancy paper, gift-wrapped and ready to present......hopefully, the recipient will not notice.
JLY

[Cleo_Serapis]

I'm sure they'll love it!