As The Sun Sets ~ English Sonnet, 2nd Revision Options

[Guest_Cathy_*]

As The Sun Sets ~ 2nd Revision

The sun succumbs to slumber 'cross the sea,  
reflecting aura'd blaze of brisant hue;  
while creatures snuggle down in den or tree,  
to safely wait for dawn ... then rise anew.  

A robin seeks its nest to rest his wings,  
nocturnals challenge shadows of twilight.  
From arc to orb, the sky in silence sings,  
as shelter's sought beneath a star-filled night.  

A muffled world embraced by dew-flecked veil  
is rudely touched by chilling lustful breeze,  
then kissed by crystal raindrops formed as hail  
which cools the warmest heart with sudden freeze.  

Protection of your arms ... misunderstood;  
soft moon reveals a soul of bitterwood*.

Cathy Bollhoefer
copyright Oct2005

As The Sun Sets ~ English Sonnet ~ 1st Revision
 
The sun will sleep in peace beyond the sea,
reflect its flaming pyrotechnic hues;
the creatures burrow with great esprit,  
kept safe until the dawn ... to rise anew.
 
The robins find a nest to rest their wings
nocturnals challenge shadows of twilight.
From crescent to orb, in beautiful rings,
security sought all through the long night.  
 
A quiet world embraced by dew-tipped veil
is softly touched by cooling lustful breeze,
then kissed by crystal raindrops filled with hail
to cause the warmest heart a sudden freeze.  
 
Protection of your arms; misunderstood
as moonlight shines down on the bitterwood* ...

Cathy Bollhoefer
copyright Oct2005

*South American tree with scarlet flowers, yields the bitter drug, Quassia.  




As The Sun Sets ~ English Sonnet

The sun will sleep in peace beyond the hills
when set in flaming pyrotechnic hue;
the flowers will fold their petals ... life still
will protect them 'til dawn, to rise anew.

The robins find hovels to rest their wings
while nocturnals seek challenge in the night.
The moonlight's crescent, in beautiful rings,
is not outshined by panaromic sights.

A quiet world embraced by dew-tipped veil
is softly touched by cooling lustful breeze,
then kissed by crystal raindrops filled with hail
to cause the warmest heart a sudden freeze.

The daylight soon fades, sadly it departs;
eclipsing devotion left in this heart ...

Cathy Bollhoefer
copyright Oct2005[/center]

[jgdittier]

Dear Cathy,
I suppose many poets consider the sonnet to be the queen of verse. Accordingly, its specifications are probably more set and more agreed upon than any other form. Even so, mankind constantly experiments and expands the scope of the sonnet.
My focus is on metre more than rhyme scheme or the "turn" or the couplet.
Your "As the Sun Sets", reads to me this way:

the SUN will SLEEP in PEACE beYOND the HILLS
 when SET in FLAMing PYroTECHnic HUE;

I believe most sonnet lovers would agree that this is an excellent start from the metre point of view. You may want to discuss the maintenance of this beat throughout the entire sonnet with other sonneteers. I believe you'll find concordance, especially if you want to ID the piece as an English Sonnet.

Certainly the message and expression is sonnet-worthy.

Do stay the course!
Cheers,    ron   jgd

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Hi Ron,

I suppose many poets consider the sonnet to be the queen of verse.

I don't know about that but I do know that I think it's one of the hardest forms I've yet attempted.

Accordingly, its specifications are probably more set and more agreed upon than any other form. Even so, mankind constantly experiments and expands the scope of the sonnet.
My focus is on metre more than rhyme scheme or the "turn" or the couplet.
Your "As the Sun Sets", reads to me this way:

the SUN will SLEEP in PEACE beYOND the HILLS
when SET in FLAMing PYroTECHnic HUE;

I believe most sonnet lovers would agree that this is an excellent start from the metre point of view. You may want to discuss the maintenance of this beat throughout the entire sonnet with other sonneteers. I realize that the meter is not quite right in some spots.

I believe you'll find concordance, especially if you want to ID the piece as an English Sonnet.

Certainly the message and expression is sonnet-worthy.

Thank you!

[Guest_Jox_*]

H Cathy.

I don't think I can comment on this piece as such but I wish you luck with perfecting it as you wish. You often say that you don't follow Shakespeare but you could do worse than take a look at his sonnets (what you in America call an "English" sonnet, I'd usually call "Shakesperian" anyway - though one might argue such was a sub-set of English). Anyway, all that aside - have a look at Shakespeare's sonnets - I think they will be helpful.

Best wishes, J.

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi Cathy

A very romantic look at the sunset.  Well done for writing your first sonnet.  Like James, I can't offer a crit.  I wouldn't know where to start writing a sonnet so I'll leave it to the experts.  Ron always gives very sound advice.

Nina

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Hi James,

I don't think I can comment on this piece as such but I wish you luck with perfecting it as you wish. Thank you! You often say that you don't follow Shakespeare but you could do worse than take a look at his sonnets (what you in America call an "English" sonnet, I'd usually call "Shakesperian" anyway - though one might argue such was a sub-set of English). Anyway, all that aside - have a look at Shakespeare's sonnets - I think they will be helpful.
I hadn't even thought of that so thanks for the suggestion!  I will do that.

Cathy

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Hi Nina,

A very romantic look at the sunset.  Well done for writing your first sonnet. Thank you!  Like James, I can't offer a crit.  I wouldn't know where to start writing a sonnet so I'll leave it to the experts. I was at a loss too and I've always wanted to write one but it has taken me forever to attempt one. Ron always gives very sound advice. Yes he does and this time is no exception!  

Thanks Nina!
Cathy

[Merlin]

Hello Cathy,

Congrats on your first sonnet.  For me, I would accept your calling it a "sonnet", without the modifer of "English" or "Shakespearean".  I have this thing - if something is called something, I expect that and not a substitute.  It's like if I were to buy a Ford and find it being half a Chevy, I'd be annoyed.  That is a personal pet peeve - others differ.

That said, I fully agree with Ron's remarks.  Of course, I know Ron from many years back when we were on our now defunct home base.

I have a bit of mileage under me.  My garland of sonnets will be featured in November in a British magazine - Poetry Life & Times, complete with large write-up; I've had the opportunity to proofread it.  Although I've sort of given up critiquing, I could still offer some advice should you desire that.  I headed up the critique workshop on another forum.

If you wish, please advize.  Otherwise, a good first shot.  

Merlin

[jgdittier]

Dear Cathy,
It is a fact that I have often posted my "quest" for my retirement. It is "to promote the respect for the style of the bards of yore". If I
could help you become a writer of quality sonnets, I'd simply be thrilled.
I don't pretend to have any taught expertise, but if you have any faith in me, you have my total willingness to be helpful to you in any way I can.
Were you to become a sonneteer, I'd be the proudest mentor!!!
A happy sonneteering Cathy would help my reach my quest.
Cheers,    Ron   jgd

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Hi Merlin,

Congrats on your first sonnet.  For me, I would accept your calling it a "sonnet", without the modifer of "English" or "Shakespearean".  I have this thing - if something is called something, I expect that and not a substitute.  It's like if I were to buy a Ford and find it being half a Chevy, I'd be annoyed.  That is a personal pet peeve - others differ.

Using just "sonnet" is fine with me!  There are so many different kinds that it gets confusing.

That said, I fully agree with Ron's remarks.  Of course, I know Ron from many years back when we were on our now defunct home base.

I have a bit of mileage under me.  My garland of sonnets will be featured in November in a British magazine - Poetry Life & Times, complete with large write-up; I've had the opportunity to proofread it. That's great ... congratulations!  Although I've sort of given up critiquing, I could still offer some advice should you desire that.  I headed up the critique workshop on another forum.

If you wish, please advize.  Otherwise, a good first shot.  

Thank you!  I can use all the help I can get!  lol

Cathy

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Hi Ron,

It is a fact that I have often posted my "quest" for my retirement. It is "to promote the respect for the style of the bards of yore". If I
could help you become a writer of quality sonnets, I'd simply be thrilled.
I don't pretend to have any taught expertise, but if you have any faith in me, you have my total willingness to be helpful to you in any way I can.
Were you to become a sonneteer, I'd be the proudest mentor!!!
A happy sonneteering Cathy would help my reach my quest.

When put that way, how could I refuse??  I've always wanted to be able to write a sonnet but just knew I could never get them right.  I finally (after many, many months) got the nerve to try and I've got a long way to go.  I would be right proud to have your assistance in learning how to write a good sonnet and help you in your quest.  I promise, I'll try not to embarrass you with my attempts!  

If you are serious about your offer than I gladly accept!  Thank you!

Cathy

[Merlin]

A very brief outline of sonnets –

There are 2 major branches of sonnets
1. English, which subdivides into
· Shakespearean
· Spenserian
· others

2. Italian, which subdivides into
· Petrarchan (variously spelt)
· Sicilian
· Others

Sonnets are written in iambic pentameter – 5 feet of iambs.  Variations are allowed, even advised, but kept to well placed minimums, as in beginning of sentences for example.  For now, let's settle for smooth iambic before going into the rest.

Since you’ve styled your sonnet after the Shakespearean style, let’s ignore all others for the moment and go with that.  Your rhyme scheme needs to be ABAB CDCD EFEF GG.  The first 8 lines should set out a question, a conundrum, or something, and the last 4 lines will begin to conclude the first 8.  The final 2 are going to make a big finish to the whole.

Your first 2 lines are superb, as Ron has already said.  After that, it gets bumpy.  Here’s where I must share some wisdom with you, given to us by our now deceased cyber friend and excellent poet, Jude Peet.  Her words were that there is always another way of saying things.  If the first doesn’t work, look for the alternate.

Your choice of the word “flowers” spells problems due to regionalisms.  Some pronounce it “flow-ers”, others as a single syllable “flowrs”.  It’s not a good one to put in there just yet.  I’ll suggest “blossoms.”

Let’s look at your L3 – and how it would scan.  the FLOW-ers will FOLD their PE-tals ... life STILL
Do you see the bumps?  I will suggest something along these lines:
the BLOS-soms FOLD their (TI-red) PE-tals STILL
[that’s tired, to make it easy]
Now we’re back into smooth iambic.

L4 - will protect them 'til dawn, to rise anew
Here you have 2 weak beats before getting to “tect” which is strong.  You could comma the preceding line, and continue something like this –
protecting them till dawn, to rise anew.

There.  That’s quatrain 1 done.  Easy, what?  Take a look at the rest to see what you can do.  It needs to be done in your words, not mine.  Good hunting.

Merlin


Ps We'll need to attack the final 2 lines, the couplet.  No slant rhymes here are advised - it is the grand finale, and must be as powerful as possible.

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Hi Merlin,

A very brief outline of sonnets –

There are 2 major branches of sonnets
1. English, which subdivides into
· Shakespearean
· Spenserian
· others

2. Italian, which subdivides into
· Petrarchan (variously spelt)
· Sicilian
· Others

Soooo many of them!  lol

Sonnets are written in iambic pentameter – 5 feet of iambs.  Variations are allowed, even advised, but kept to well placed minimums, as in beginning of sentences for example.  For now, let's settle for smooth iambic before going into the rest. That's good - simple first!  lol

Since you’ve styled your sonnet after the Shakespearean style, let’s ignore all others for the moment and go with that.  Your rhyme scheme needs to be ABAB CDCD EFEF GG.  The first 8 lines should set out a question, a conundrum, or something, and the last 4 lines will begin to conclude the first 8.  The final 2 are going to make a big finish to the whole.  ohhhh groan!

Your first 2 lines are superb, as Ron has already said.  After that, it gets bumpy.  Here’s where I must share some wisdom with you, given to us by our now deceased cyber friend and excellent poet, Jude Peet.  Her words were that there is always another way of saying things.  If the first doesn’t work, look for the alternate.

Your choice of the word “flowers” spells problems due to regionalisms.  Some pronounce it “flow-ers”, others as a single syllable “flowrs”.  It’s not a good one to put in there just yet.  I’ll suggest “blossoms.”  "blossoms" works

Let’s look at your L3 – and how it would scan.  the FLOW-ers will FOLD their PE-tals ... life STILL
Do you see the bumps? See 'em?  I can "feel" 'em!  lol I will suggest something along these lines:
the BLOS-soms FOLD their (TI-red) PE-tals STILL
[that’s tired, to make it easy]
Now we’re back into smooth iambic.

L4 - will protect them 'til dawn, to rise anew
Here you have 2 weak beats before getting to “tect” which is strong.  You could comma the preceding line, and continue something like this –
protecting them till dawn, to rise anew.  I've made a change to that line so I will check it out too.

There.  That’s quatrain 1 done.  Easy, what?  Take a look at the rest to see what you can do.  It needs to be done in your words, not mine.  Good hunting.  Ok, I'll see what I can do!  *smiles*

Merlin


Ps We'll need to attack the final 2 lines, the couplet.  No slant rhymes here are advised - it is the grand finale, and must be as powerful as possible.

Ok...and thank you!

Cathy

[Guest_Don_*]

Hi Cathy,

Just want to congratulate you on your first sonnet.  Ron and Merlin have U under wing, which you can't ask for better help.

Don

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Hi Don,

Just want to congratulate you on your first sonnet.  Ron and Merlin have U under wing, which you can't ask for better help.

Thanks Don!  Yes I have some good help ... now if I can just do what they tell me!  lol

[Merlin]

Well done, Cathy.

There are still bumpy spots, but you're coming along remarkably with those da-DUMs.  Keep at it, it'll be second nature before you know it.

Keep in mind that words like our article "the" don't merit the strong stress, so it should be kept to the "da" spots, not the DUMs.  Exceptions are in place, but only once you've got the regulations down pat.

Looking forward to the next one,

Merlin

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Hi Merlin,

Ok  I will keep working on it!  lol

Cathy

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Final revision?  Maybe?

Your thoughts would be appreciated!

Thanks!
Cathy