AGING GRACEFULLY, Wizard Award Winner Options

[Cybele]

Here you go James, crit away!


[b]REVISIONS IN ITALICS



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AGING GRACEFULLY



I’m past me sell-by date, I know;
Me steps don’t spring,
Me cheeks don’t glow
and I have noticed every day
me toes are getting farther away
when I try to touch ‘em.

But I can choose the clothes I wear
from market stalls
~ and who would care?
Me navel piercing looks its best
beneath me lovely thermal vest
when chill  winds  blow.

Me stockings and me lacy garters
no longer grace me lower quarters,
But rest in drawers in bright arrays.
reminders of me past hey-days
as a dolly bird.

Me hot pants and me knee-high boots
peroxide hair with its darker roots,
are now remembered with deep affection
along with me favourite Abba collection
in stereo on 45s.

Still in me heart there burns a fire
of girlish glee and sweet desire’
and love of life at any stage,
increased with every turning page
of me five year diary.


(All rights reserved by Grace Galton as an unpublished poem)



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[Guest_Jox_*]

Hi Grace, Thank you... Well done!

I’m dashing - very late doing things I must. but I couldn’t resist. Well done.

Suggestions: {omit} [add] (comments) - your choices, as always.

Suggestions V1:

I’m past me sell by date, I know{;}[:]
Me steps don’t spring{,}
{M}[m]e cheeks don’t glow[.]
{and} I have noticed every day
me toes are {getting} [spreading] further away
when I try to touch ‘em.

Summary V1:

I’m past me sell by date, I know:
Me steps don’t spring,
me cheeks don’t glow.
I have noticed every day
me toes are spreading further away
when I try to touch ‘em.

================================

Suggestions V2:

{But} I can choose the clothes I wear
from market stalls
~ and who would care?
Me navel piercing {can take a rest} [looks its best]
beneath me lovely thermal vest[,]
when chill winds blow.

Summary V2:

I can choose the clothes I wear
from market stalls
~ and who would care?
Me navel piercing looks its best
beneath me lovely thermal vest,
when chill winds blow.

=================================

Suggestions V3:

Me stockings and me lacy garters
no longer grace me lower quarters{,}
{B}ut rest in drawers in bright arrays{.}[-]
reminders of {me past} [my]{hey-days}[heyday][,] (Thanks Daniel!)
as a dolly bird.

Summary V3:

Me stockings and me lacy garters
no longer grace me lower quarters
but rest in drawers in bright arrays -
reminders of my heyday,
as a dolly bird.

=================================

Suggestions V4:

Me hot pants and me knee-high boots{;}
me peroxide hair with its darker roots{,}[-]
are now remembered with deep affection[,]
along with me favourite Abba collection
in stereo on 45{’}s. (no apostrophe)

Summary V4:

Me hot pants and me knee-high boots;
me peroxide hair with its darker roots -
are now remembered with deep affection,
along with me favourite Abba collection
in stereo on 45s.

==================================

Suggestions V5:

Still in me heart there burns a fire
of girlish glee and sweet desire{‘}[.]
{a}[A]nd love of life at any stage,
increased with every turning page
of me five year diary. (life-long for more impact?)

Summary V5:
Still in me heart there burns a fire
of girlish glee and sweet desire.
And love of life at any stage,
increased with every turning page
of me life-long diary.

[Guest_Jox_*]

Hi Grace,

I've transferred my comment here and deleted the other tile.

Cheers, J.

[JustDaniel]

Just passing through for the moment, Grace, but one question to help me when I can sit down with this:  Since this is fixed form forum, what fixed form is this?  or is merely loose rhyme and meter?  I do see that each quintrain (or whatever they might be called) has two rhymes and a blank, but in no set order.  

The piece is a great frolic in retrospect of what you might call your heyday (Hey is correct, but it's one, un-hyphenated word, I think you'll find), but I was wondering if there is a name for the fomat you're using.

Lightly plodding heavily, Daniel  :sun:

[jgdittier]

Dear Grace,
Comments from the other side of the pond may or may not hold special interest to you. Also, I, who am severely committed to poetic flow, have an alternate interest to many here.
First, I read poetry aloud and with some emphasis on beat. This is bad practice when reading serious pure poetry but I believe adds when the verse is light and frolicksome.
I put Ageing "Grace"fully as light and frolicksome. Reading even the first time, it seemed to me you've combined a persistant beat with some breaks that don't at all detract from the thrust of the message.

To a stateside Yankee, Brooklynese, southern drawl and what I guess is cockney, all sound quaint and add immeasurably to a humorous piece. Beside, the captivating message combined with the vernacular expression each add to the other (at least by my ear) and so nits must be gnats to even register.

Yesterday I read Marriott's "The Lion and Albert" and "Albert's Return" at a convelescent home. THey were the hit of the reading! Could I read yours next month?

I see suggestions are already arriving and sense you'll have a hit on your hands soon. I may send you some final thoughts then, but for now, I'll call it "brill", a word I learned here.
Nicely done and cheers,     jgd     Ron

[JLY]

Grace,
I enjoyed your witty, humorous journey of changing ways.  The local language you have instilled gives it a very jolly flavor.
This was a fun diversion on a sunny afternoon.
JLY

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi Grace

This a wonderful light-hearted look at the aging process.

But I can choose the clothes I wear
from market stalls
~ and who would care?
Me navel piercing can take a rest
beneath me lovely thermal vest
when chill  winds  blow.

the navel piercing idea is inspired, though I do like James' suggestion of "looks its best" it polishes it a bit more.

Me hot pants and me knee-high boots
me peroxide hair with its darker roots,
are now remembered with deep affection
along with me favourite Abba collection
in stereo on 45’s.

I was never confident enough to wear hot pants, nor did I ever peroxide my hair, but I do still have my old Abba albums somewhere.

Still in me heart there burns a fire
of girlish glee and sweet desire’
and love of life at any stage,
increased with every turning page
of me five year diary.

I'm definitely much younger in my head than I am in my body.

Thanks for this, I did enjoy the read.  James has already given you an excellent crit, so I won't confuse things any more.  I look forward to seeing the revision.

Nina

[Guest_Toumai_*]

Dear Grace,

ROFL!

I love this - and it would make an excellent live performance, indeed.

The only line where the rhythm seems to falter is the navel piercing (although I am laughing to hard to be sure). I think James's suggestion seems to smooth that very well.

Love,

Fran

[Eisa]

Oooh! -- Dear Grace,

... this one has made me laugh.  :jester: What an inspiration. I think there is something here for everyone to relate to.  :pharoah2

I think Jox has made some good suggestions -- but I've no nits -- just enjoyed the read.


Love Snow

[Cybele]

Good morning James,  

Thank you for your very detailed crit. I knew I could rely on you to help polish this one!

I will take your corrected verses for ease. All those brackets only confuse my already befuddled brain.

I’m past me sell by date, I know:
Me steps don’t spring,
me cheeks don’t glow.
I have noticed every day
me toes are spreading further away
when I try to touch ‘em.

All punctuation corrections accepted gratefully James.

L5 Not too sure about 'spreading' (sound as if my feet are getting bigger.    )  I shall ponder that one.

I can choose the clothes I wear
from market stalls
~ and who would care?
Me navel piercing looks its best
beneath me lovely thermal vest,
when chill winds blow.

L4 Your suggestion is great, James. Much better than the original.  

Me stockings and me lacy garters
no longer grace me lower quarters
but rest in drawers in bright arrays -
reminders of my heyday,
as a dolly bird.

L4 Yes heydays is correct James, but thanks Daniel, it has no hyphen. But this line should be

reminders of me bright heydays,

Me hot pants and me knee-high boots;
me peroxide hair with its darker roots -
are now remembered with deep affection,
along with me favourite Abba collection
in stereo on 45s.

All punctuation corrections accepted gratefully.

Still in me heart there burns a fire
of girlish glee and sweet desire.
And love of life at any stage,
increased with every turning page
of me life-long diary.

Last line James. Neither five-year diary nor life-long diary is exactly what I want to say. I'll have a think about that one.


Many thanks for your help and encouragement James.

[Cybele]

Good morning Daniel,

Lovely to see you here.  

Just passing through for the moment, Grace, but one question to help me when I can sit down with this:  Since this is fixed form forum, what fixed form is this?  or is merely loose rhyme and meter?  I do see that each quintrain (or whatever they might be called) has two rhymes and a blank, but in no set order.  

The piece is a great frolic in retrospect of what you might call your heyday (Hey is correct, but it's one, un-hyphenated word, I think you'll find), but I was wondering if there is a name for the fomat you're using.

Lightly plodding heavily, Daniel  

Thank you for 'heydays', of course you are right and I will correct it.

This is known as "Nonsense Rhyme" Daniel. We have many excellent proponents of the genre over here. I will send you by PM a great nonsense rhyme by Pam Ayres. It will give a an idea of what the form is all about.

Hope life is treating you kindly Daniel and thank you for dropping in and reading.  

[Cybele]

Good morning Ron,
 

Dear Grace,

Comments from the other side of the pond may or may not hold special interest to you.

Nothing would please me more than to have more comments from our American family of friends. They would indeed hold VERY special interest for me, especially in a piece like this which might be slightly mystifying to anyone unfamiliar with UK accents. There is so much we can learn from each other.
I think the reason I receive a preponderence of crits from the UK is simply to do with time zones ~ they get to read English postings first.

I have been wondering if others find that off-putting, believing that we are a close-knit group ~ especially after the Pub Meeting.  But you must bear in mind Ron, Britain is a VERY SMALL island, which makes meeting up much easier. We all want to be a part of MM's international poets.

First, I read poetry aloud and with some emphasis on beat. This is bad practice when reading serious pure poetry but I believe adds when the verse is light and frolicksome.

Also, I, who am severely committed to poetic flow, have an alternate interest to many here.

Each to his own Ron. I started writing only strict verse, on serious subjects, but have gradually embraced different forms of poetry. But, I have found that I have little control over what I produce. When I start to think about a subject, I have no idea whether it will emerge as serious imagery, comic verse or free form. I just start typing and out it tumbles, usually surprising ME!

I am sure we all wish to interact more with ALL members of MM. I am glad you brought up that point so that I could explain.


I put Ageing "Grace"fully as light and frolicksome. Reading even the first time, it seemed to me you've combined a persistant beat with some breaks that don't at all detract from the thrust of the message.


You are right Ron, this is called nonsense rhyme and it written "tongue-in-cheek". I didn't work on this for longer than 15 minutes, it just all tumbled out onto the page. Nothing serious, just light entertainment.  

To a stateside Yankee, Brooklynese, southern drawl and what I guess is cockney, all sound quaint and add immeasurably to a humorous piece. Beside, the captivating message combined with the vernacular expression each add to the other (at least by my ear) and so nits must be gnats to even register.

Yes, Ron, this is written in a cockney accent. Quite authentic since I was born within the sound of Bow Bells. (The church of St Mary-le-Bow in the East End of London,) which marks the area in which true Cockneys reside.

Yesterday I read Marriott's "The Lion and Albert" and "Albert's Return" at a convelescent home. THey were the hit of the reading! Could I read yours next month?

I love Marriott's pieces. They used to be read on the Music Hall stage by a man named Stanley Holloway, and were always a riotous hit in the early part of the 20th Century.

Could you read mine? I would be honoured to think that you would like to Ron.    

I see suggestions are already arriving and sense you'll have a hit on your hands soon. I may send you some final thoughts then, but for now, I'll call it "brill", a word I learned here.
Nicely done and cheers,     jgd     Ron


I will be delighted to receive any suggestions you might have Ron. And thank you for a most interesting posting here

[Cybele]

Hello John,

Grace,
I enjoyed your witty, humorous journey of changing ways.  The local language you have instilled gives it a very jolly flavor.
This was a fun diversion on a sunny afternoon.
JLY

You have read this in the spirit it was meant to be taken. I am so glad it raised a smile, and even more delighted that you had a lovely sunny afternoon in which to enjoy it.

At present it is exceedingly cold here.

Never mind, next Wednesday I am going to Spain for six days so I am hoping for the blessing of some warm sunshine.  :sun:

[Arnfinn]

How are you Grace?

You transferred the experimental poem mark 1 to this forum. :pharoah2

And she's a good'n Cobber.


I’m past me sell by date, I know;
Me steps don’t spring,
Me cheeks don’t glow
and I have noticed every day
me toes are getting  further away
when I try to touch ‘em.


Thats it Grace, that sadly is how it is!
Oh No!
But ole china plate, spose a lot of our friends never made it.
Nah! not sad at all, let's lap up all the youngins lookin after us.

I hate winter though, when I wears a singlet, I pulls it over me head and I spend about two minutes shadowboxing with me nose.


But I can choose the clothes I wear
from market stalls
~ and who would care?
Me navel piercing can take a rest
beneath me lovely thermal vest
when chill  winds  blow.

Me stockings and me lacy garters
no longer grace me lower quarters,
But rest in drawers in bright arrays.
reminders of me past hey-days
as a dolly bird.

Me hot pants and me knee-high boots
me peroxide hair with its darker roots,
are now remembered with deep affection
along with me favourite Abba collection
in stereo on 45’s.

Still in me heart there burns a fire
of girlish glee and sweet desire’
and love of life at any stage,
increased with every turning page
of me five year diary.

Most this stuff above is about sheila's, and I got good laugh about all ya past modes of dress.
Got me thinkin about when I was 18, I had a low slung car and I used to pick up this girl 'n drive her to work. I'd open the door, and she'd sit down and her dress would ride up to the top of her stockings 'n I'd see the metal clasp holdin them up. I'd get in the drivers side ta start the car an me hands were shakin so much I couldn't find the key hole. I was scared stiff, but I was right on time the next day ta pick her up again.
So you writing about ya stockings and garters was an important part of growing up when we were young. See-- what the modern youth are missing-out on these days. Yair I used to peroxide me hair when I was young too. I used ta go surfin,'n I had thick curly hair, a light gingery brown, no good if ya a surfer.

I got a real kick outa this poem Grace. I can't pick out one thing either grammatically or otherwise that's incorrect.

Grace this is one of your famous.
Actually, it's an education piece.






 :wizard:  :wizard:  :wizard:

I would have loved ta have put ya on a motor bike, but Emoticoms aint got one.





Arnie  :wizard:

[JustDaniel]

I'll have to try one of these little gems.  I guess many of our nursery rhymes fall into this category too, don't they.  I had just thought that they followed a more predictable rhyme pattern.  Guess that shows how much I know, huh?

Lightly, Daniel  :sun:

[Guest_Billydo_*]

Hi Grace - Aging Gracefully

I am as well, because I don't have much choice, don't like it though!

Just breezin' through, but I wanted to say how much I enjoyed this light-hearted look at getting older.

Cheers

Mike

[Guest_Don_*]

I’m past me sell by date, I know:
Me steps don’t spring,
me cheeks don’t glow.
I have noticed every day
me toes are spreading further away
when I try to touch ‘em.

All punctuation corrections accepted gratefully James.

L5 Not too sure about 'spreading' (sound as if my feet are getting bigger.     )  I shall ponder that one.
=====================================

Hi Grace,

Delete spreading is my humble suggestion.

My first read at this point did indeed see your toes separating like heavenly stars.  The remainder created a quick brain switch and the lasting effect added to comedy.  My legs are longer than my reach, so flexibility loss was not lost on this reader.  

It verbally created picture of a direction change on stage for intentional impact.

Don

[Cybele]

G'day Arn,  

Sorry ta keep yer waitin fer an answer cobber, but I've been rushing around as fast as me old pins'll carry me getting ready to shoot through to Spain fer a week. Boy, am I tuckered out now!  

I hate winter though, when I wears a singlet, I pulls it over me head and I spend about two minutes shadowboxing with me nose.

'Er, I thought it was only my vest that behaved like that Arniee.

Most this stuff above is about sheila's,

Yeh, Arn, but that's prob'ly 'cos I am a sheila, ennit?

Got me thinkin about when I was 18, I had a low slung car and I used to pick up this girl 'n drive her to work. I'd open the door, and she'd sit down and her dress would ride up to the top of her stockings 'n I'd see the metal clasp holdin them up. I'd get in the drivers side ta start the car an me hands were shakin so much I couldn't find the key hole. I was scared stiff, but I was right on time the next day ta pick her up again.

Glad ter bring back some happy memories fer yer Arn. What power a sheila could wield in those days by flashing a suspender clip.

I would have loved ta have put ya on a motor bike, but Emoticoms aint got one.

Kind thought matey. Yer blood's worth bottlin'.    

Glad yer got a kick outta this one Arn.

[Cybele]

Good morning Nina,

I am pleased this raised a laugh, which is exactly what I was hoping do to.

the navel piercing idea is inspired, though I do like James' suggestion of "looks its best" it polishes it a bit more.

Yes, I agree, and I will change it as soon as all crits are in Nina, thank you.

I was never confident enough to wear hot pants, nor did I ever peroxide my hair, but I do still have my old Abba albums somewhere.

I have a photo of myself with blonde hair somewhere Nina and I look strange, and I mean REALLY strange. Whatever posessed me??

I'm definitely much younger in my head than I am in my body

Thank goodness. the inside stays younger than the outside Nina.

Glad you found this amusing and thanks for reading.

[Cybele]

Hello Fran,

Dear Grace,

ROFL!

I love this - and it would make an excellent live performance, indeed.  

The only line where the rhythm seems to falter is the navel piercing (although I am laughing to hard to be sure). I think James's suggestion seems to smooth that very well.

Love,

Fran

Good to have a giggle now and then Fran. This just happened because Arn wrote about his shrunken head. Next thing I knew, this was all tumbling out of my head, Unbidden. Just goes to show what a lot of weird stuff lurks in the mind.

(Incidentally I notice that you and Nina use ROFL! a lot. If you type colonroflcolon you will get that little animated gif waving a banner.)

Thank your for reading Fran.