Tints of Time, Seasonal Options

[Eisa]

Tints of Time   ( recent revision)

The fading veils of nature sway
from verdant tints to rusty hues;
old Summer’s samba dies away
while Autumn twirls in ballet shoes.


Her rustling russet skirts, aswirl,
combine with vivid tangerine;
bright crimson belts of berries curl  
like scarlet sequins in between.
Where topaz tumbles, jade then fades
to bronze and copper, 'til next year.
As cooling breezes murmur, shades
of autumn slowly disappear.


Her beauty dims -- she softly casts
each crinkled veil to clothe the ground.  
A crunchy carpet spread, contrasts
with soil that scarcely yields a sound.
The dance continues `til she’s bare,
her outline stark against the skies;
without the warmth of clothes to wear,
the Winter’s winds will chill her thighs.


A sable body’s proudly posed;
as feet stand firm against the storm.
Her waving arms remain exposed
`til Spring’s embrace shall make her warm.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


The faded veils of time now sway
from verdant tints to rusty hues,
as Summer’s samba dies away
and Autumn twirls in ballet shoes.

Her rustling russet skirts aswirl
to merge with vivid tangerine,
as crimson belts of berries curl
like scarlet sequins in between.

Where topaz tumbles, jade now fades
away to amber, 'til the spring.
When gentle breezes whisper, shades
of Autumn beauty softly sing.

As music dies, she slowly casts
each crinkled veil to earthy ground.
A crunchy carpet now contrasts
with soil that scarcely yields a sound.

The dance continues 'til she’s bare,
her outline stark against clear skies.
No warming garments now to wear,
so Winter's winds will chill her thighs.

Her sable body proudly posed
while feet stand firm against the storm
Her outstretched arms are now exposed
till Spring returns to keep her warm.




Tints of Time  ( original)


The faded veils of  time now sway
from verdant tints to rusty hues
as summer’s samba dies away
and autumn twirls in ballet shoes

Her rustling russet skirts will swirl
to merge with vivid tangerine,
while crimson belts of berries curl
like scarlet sequins in between.

As topaz tumbles, jade then fades
away to amber, till the spring.
The softest breezes blow thro’ shades
of beauty and begin to sing.

As music fades, she slowly casts
each crinkled veil to earthy ground.
A cluttered carpet now contrasts
against the softened soil around.

The dance continues till she’s bare,
her outline stark against clear skies.
No gorgeous garments will she wear,
so wintry winds will chill her thighs.

Her sable body poses proud,
while feet stand firm against the storm;
her arms outstretched towards cool cloud,
till Spring returns to keep her warm.

[Guest_Brahms_*]

Thanks Eisa, for I had little time or experience
all in the world of those who dance.

Brahms

[Michelle]

This is a lovely dance of leafy veils.
Autumn is a great inspirerer.  
Your meter is very good.
You've used a form of 'fade' three times
in this poem.  Perhaps 'fade' should
be part of the title.
This was an utmost pleasure to read.
Lovely poem.




The faded veils of  time now sway
from verdant tints to rusty hues
as summer’s samba dies away
and autumn twirls in ballet shoes***very lithe stanza

Her rustling russet skirts will swirl
to merge with vivid tangerine,
while crimson belts of berries curl
like scarlet sequins in between.***this is upbeat and lovely

As topaz tumbles, jade then fades
away to amber, till the spring.
The softest breezes blow thro’ shades***thro'? why not through or thru
of beauty and begin to sing.

As music fades, she slowly casts
each crinkled veil to earthy ground.
A cluttered carpet now contrasts
against the softened soil around.***this rhyme seems contrive - could just be me

The dance continues till she’s bare,
her outline stark against clear skies.
No gorgeous garments will she wear,***I don't care for gorgeous - then again it could be personal bias.
so wintry winds will chill her thighs.

Her sable body poses proud,***beautiful line imo
while feet stand firm against the storm;
her arms outstretched towards cool cloud,***the omission of an article stands out - prefer 'clouds'
till Spring returns to keep her warm.

[Eisa]

Thanks Eisa, for I had little time or experience
all in the world of those who dance.

Brahms

Hi Brahms


I hope you will soon see the dance again


         


Snow

[Eisa]

This is a lovely dance of leafy veils.
Autumn is a great inspirerer.  
Your meter is very good.
You've used a form of 'fade' three times
in this poem.  Perhaps 'fade' should
be part of the title.
This was an utmost pleasure to read.
Lovely poem.

You have given me a good idea here and I think I shall call this either `The music Fades' or `Fading Time'. What do you think?




The faded veils of  time now sway
from verdant tints to rusty hues
as summer’s samba dies away
and autumn twirls in ballet shoes***very lithe stanza

Her rustling russet skirts will swirl
to merge with vivid tangerine,
while crimson belts of berries curl
like scarlet sequins in between.***this is upbeat and lovely

As topaz tumbles, jade then fades
away to amber, till the spring.
The softest breezes blow thro’ shades***thro'? why not through or thru
of beauty and begin to sing.

I felt `through' made the line a bit long. I didn't think of spelling it `thru'...good idea

As music fades, she slowly casts
each crinkled veil to earthy ground.
A cluttered carpet now contrasts
against the softened soil around.***this rhyme seems contrive - could just be me

Mmm... I think perhaps I could make that a bit different...thanks

The dance continues till she’s bare,
her outline stark against clear skies.
No gorgeous garments will she wear,***I don't care for gorgeous - then again it could be personal bias.
so wintry winds will chill her thighs.

Yes, I have given this some thought and really I should give some indication of the garments being warm, as now she is chilled

Her sable body poses proud,***beautiful line imo
while feet stand firm against the storm;
her arms outstretched towards cool cloud,***the omission of an article stands out - prefer 'clouds'
Quite right
till Spring returns to keep her warm.

Hi Michelle

Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts with me. They have been an inspiration

I will post a revision soon

Eisa

[Cleo_Serapis]

Excellent revision Snow!

I'm just gonna sway to the sounds of this tile's beat awhile..

Cheers!
~Cleo

[LadyEvergreen865]

Hi, Eisa! Read the revision first....loved it. Great movement and style, almost the same gentle sway as tall trees in a forest. Beautifully done.  

My favorite: ...while Autumn twirls her balet shoes....

In fact, I have so many favorite lines its hard to decide which one's best.  Really enjoyed this....:) Elaine

[Guest_sehrgut_*]

Eisa-

My goodness, that was a wonderful read! May I please disagree with the title change, though? Colour is what the piece is about, and fading is merely the action eventually placed on the colour. (Oh, enough with the scholarly-sounding reasoning: I just like "Tints of Time" better!)

I'm going to try to find something I can critique in this poem, but I have a hunch I'll be doing more pointing out of favorite lines than anything. Case in point, 1:1. That strong assonance is such a gripping way to begin the piece, and I love how you have supported it, not with similar sound-matching in the subsequent lines of the stanza, but just an interweaving of sound. I have tried many times for that same effect, and rarely achieved it.

More lovely soundplay in S2. However, the structure of the stanzas making up the body of the poem brings me to one thing which I did notice. With your present rhyme pattern, there is no fundamental reason why your stanzas are eight lines instead of twice as many four-line stanzas. As well, I think L6 of many of them comes very abruptly, jolting me out of the reverie your hypnotic wordplay induces. Mayhap for the second half of the some of the stanzas you could try something along the lines of an Omarian quatrain (cccd rather than cdcd). It would, I think, help keep continuity in some of the thoughts.

3:3. Could you try something other than "crunchy" to describe the ground? It protrudes rather noticably from the otherwise-smooth passage of words in stanza three. I know it made me stop the very first time I read the piece.

Something else about S3 strikes me oddly. The last four lines change mood somewhat, becoming almost . . . clinical . . .? Maybe that's not the word I want. It's just too matter-of-fact. You spent the whole poem convincing me that none of this is matter-of-fact; that the entire phenomenon of Autumn is new and amazing and wonderful, only to tell me here, at what could be the most powerful section, that this is what always happens. I know it's what always happens already: I want to be convinced that it doesn't always happen, and that this time has intrinsic worth.

S4: could you somehow work back in "her arms outstretched towards cool clouds"? I really do enjoy that line.

Well, I hope my suggestions are helpful, and I do thank you for sharing. I did thoroughly enjoy reading it.

Cheers!
 Keith

[Eisa]

Hi, Eisa! Read the revision first....loved it. Great movement and style, almost the same gentle sway as tall trees in a forest. Beautifully done.  

My favorite: ...while Autumn twirls her balet shoes....

In fact, I have so many favorite lines its hard to decide which one's best.  Really enjoyed this....:) Elaine

Hi there  

I do apologize for being a little late in answering your reply. Thank you so much for all the lovely things you have said -- it's made me feel good  


Best wishes


Snow  

[Eisa]

Excellent revision Snow!

I'm just gonna sway to the sounds of this tile's beat awhile..

Cheers!
~Cleo

Hi Lori


Thanks for you encouragement  :cloud9:


Hugs   Snow  :lovie:

[Eisa]

Hello Keith

It's nice to meet you

Eisa-

My goodness, that was a wonderful read! May I please disagree with the title change, though? Colour is what the piece is about, and fading is merely the action eventually placed on the colour. (Oh, enough with the scholarly-sounding reasoning: I just like "Tints of Time" better!)

Yes -- I have decided I prefer `Tints of Time' best, too  

I'm going to try to find something I can critique in this poem, but I have a hunch I'll be doing more pointing out of favorite lines than anything. Case in point, 1:1. That strong assonance is such a gripping way to begin the piece, and I love how you have supported it, not with similar sound-matching in the subsequent lines of the stanza, but just an interweaving of sound. I have tried many times for that same effect, and rarely achieved it.

Well keep trying keith -- this was the first poem I have successfully written using strong assonance -- I'm sure you'll get there eventually

More lovely soundplay in S2. However, the structure of the stanzas making up the body of the poem brings me to one thing which I did notice. With your present rhyme pattern, there is no fundamental reason why your stanzas are eight lines instead of twice as many four-line stanzas. As well, I think L6 of many of them comes very abruptly, jolting me out of the reverie your hypnotic wordplay induces. Mayhap for the second half of the some of the stanzas you could try something along the lines of an Omarian quatrain (cccd rather than cdcd). It would, I think, help keep continuity in some of the thoughts.

I did originally write this in stanzas of 4 lines, but decided to change it to something less usual.
I have not tried writing in cccd form -- I will have to try it sometime.

3:3. Could you try something other than "crunchy" to describe the ground? It protrudes rather noticably from the otherwise-smooth passage of words in stanza three. I know it made me stop the very first time I read the piece.

`crunchy' -- I will give that some thought

Something else about S3 strikes me oddly. The last four lines change mood somewhat, becoming almost . . . clinical . . .? Maybe that's not the word I want. It's just too matter-of-fact. You spent the whole poem convincing me that none of this is matter-of-fact; that the entire phenomenon of Autumn is new and amazing and wonderful, only to tell me here, at what could be the most powerful section, that this is what always happens. I know it's what always happens already: I want to be convinced that it doesn't always happen, and that this time has intrinsic worth.

I think it's because Autumn is coming to an end here and things are getting drab. I'll think on this to see if I can liven it up a bit.

S4: could you somehow work back in "her arms outstretched towards cool clouds"? I really do enjoy that line.

Ha ha!! sorry -- changed the rhyme

Well, I hope my suggestions are helpful, and I do thank you for sharing. I did thoroughly enjoy reading it.

thanks for your kind words
Cheers!
     Keith

Best wishes

Eisa

[AMETHYST]

*dancing away to the tune of Snow's beauty...      

Like an  :angel: this reads flawlessly... Impressive revisions, imrpessive images.. impressive work!

Hugs, Liz

(Not a nit left for me to toy with)

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Snow!

May we use this wonderful piece in our Autumn chapbook please?

Cheers!
~Cleo :)

[Eisa]

*dancing away to the tune of Snow's beauty...      

Like an   this reads flawlessly... Impressive revisions, imrpessive images.. impressive work!

Hugs, Liz

(Not a nit left for me to toy with)

Hi Liz


Thankyou -- you know just how to make me feel good    


Hugs   Snow

[Eisa]

Hi Snow!

May we use this wonderful piece in our Autumn chapbook please?

Cheers!
~Cleo :)

Hi Lori

Yes, I would love it to be in the Autumn Chapbook. I understand you have had problems getting a message to me. I have sent an e.mail and a pm, and now a reply here -- so I think the message should get through now.

Snow

[Cleo_Serapis]

Thanks Snow!

How exciting!

~Cleo