Obituary For A 20thC Boy, Crits Please. Thanks! Options

[Guest_Jox_*]

© Maxine Brockton, 2005. I, Maxine Brockton, do assert my right to be identified as the author of this work in accordance with Sections 77 and 78 of The Copyrights, Designs And Patents Act, 1988. (Laws of Cymru & England, as recognised by international treaties). This work was simultaneously copyrighted in the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland and the United States of America. This work is posted as an unpublished work in order to elicit critical assistance and other helpful comment, only.

Start Date: 29/10/2004 - Update: 30/06/2005
Revision thanks to: Alan, Grace, Daniel, Cathy, Butch, Lori and Nina.

Reference: MB 0197 AE

Obituary for A Twentieth-Century Boy
by Maxine Brockton

You were:

bitter
light
dark
sad
happy
concerned
fancy-free
sweet

Asteroids clatter among the Universe;
schoolchildren chatter going into class.
Shopkeepers retail their grandmothers;
undertakers detail precisely the hearse.

And so it goes round; no part too grand...
bit at a time; History reclaims her son.
Couple of beers; in drifts Sixties’ song:
Penny Lane cheers out across the sands.

What events between womb and earth?
No pretence of a linear progression -
staggering along; you did your best.
Puck on-song; you’re beaten by girth!

You:

hurt
healed
frowned
smiled
fought
made-peace
cried
laughed

and cried.

Ashes to ashes,
dust to dust,
Earth to Sun;
Universe to cinders.

Big Bang Number Two!
(Any number will do).
Rebirth!
But not us, my friend...

Let’s just hope
Buddhists are right
in the
very long run.

(end)

--------------------------------------------------------------------
References / Inspirations:

“Penny Lane” - The Beatles (Music)
“Across The Universe” - The Beatles (Music)
“Twentieth-Century Boy” - T.Rex (Music)
“Midsummer’s Night’s dream” - William Shakespeare (Play about Magic)
The Buddhist belief in re-incarnation (Religion)
The Christian burial ceremony (Religion)
The Big Bang theory - Astrophysicists (Science)
---------------------------------------------------------------------

Previous version on MM (there was an intermediate version which was not posted, too): MB 0197 AC

Obituary for A Twentieth-Century Boy
by MB

You were:

Bitter
Light
Dark
Sad
Happy
Concerned
Fancy-Free
Sweet

Asteroids clatter among the Universe;
Schoolchildren chatter going into class.
Shopkeepers retail their grandmothers;
Undertakers detail precisely the hearse.

And so it goes round; No part so grand.
A bit at a time; History calls back her son.
Couple of beers; in-drifts that Sixties’ song;
Penny Lane cheers out across the sands.

What events between womb and earth?
No pretence of a linear progression!
Staggering along; you did your best.
Puck on-song; you’re beaten by girth!

You:

hurt
healed
frowned
smiled
fought
made-peace
cried
laughed

and cried.

Ashes to Ashes
Dust to Dust
Earth to Sun
Universe to Cinders

Big Bang No2!
(Ok, whatever number).
Rebirth!
But not us, my Friend...

Let’s just hope
The Buddhists are
right in the
Very Long Run.

(end)

[Cybele]

Hello James,

I am going to have to copy this and get back to you. A little too tired tonight to concentrate and give it my best attention.

Back tomorrow. TTFN

Love

Grace

[Guest_Jox_*]

Hi Grace,

That is very kind of you; thank you.

I shall look forward to your comments whenever you are able.

Best wishes, J.

[Guest__*]

Dear James,

This is far too personal to crit, what you say and feel is what it is.

There was one tiny point that snagged my attention :


And so it goes round; No part so grand.

-- too many "so" in one line. I think the 2nd could be "too" ?

or the 1st "thus" ?

Love
Alan

[Guest_Jox_*]

Hi Alan,

Thanks for poppping in.

You advice (as usual) looks sound to me. I'll wait for Grace's comments (if any) and anyone else's that come in soon then make some changes.

I am rather puzzled that you call this personal. What makes you think that? Apart from being a 20thC boy myself - like all the chaps on MM I hope - there is no personal connection at all which I can think of. This relates to no one I know at all (thank goodness).

One thing with this work - which is partly experimental for me - was the semi-rhyme about 1/3 rd along the main verses. Just an attempt, don't know what anyone thought.

I am thinking quite deeply at the moment about a thirty-year old bug-bear of mine - the link between magic, religion and science (I trust none of them). Dr Sir Jonathan Miller's recent BBC 4 tv series on atheism has sent me re-visiting my theories (which may not be globally original but were to me all those years ago).

I can't remember what inspired the poem - maybe a news item; maybe a dream; I have plenty of strange ideas to draw on (which will surprise few on MM). If it's helpful I'll provide some of the references from my notes to the poem:

References / Inspirations;

“Penny Lane” - The Beatles (Music)
“Across The Universe” - The Beatles (Music)
“Twentieth-Century Boy” - T.Rex (Music)
“Midsummer’s Night’s dream” - William Shakespeare (Play about Magic)
The Buddhist belief in re-incarnation (Religion)
The Christian burial ceremony (Religion)
The Big Bang theory - Astrophysicists (Science)

Cheers, J.

[Guest__*]

Dear Night Owl,

Not personal, that's good. I had assumed you were writing an obit for a friend.

Good piece of work, a generic obit. Hmm, is that a new concept ?

Or only if the Bhuddists ARE right ?

Btw, they are, only bodies die, the being does not.

Christianity is the only major religion which denies life-after-death, except for the "son" of God. And before the Bible was cut in the 4th century, even they agreed with the rest.

Found another :


cried
laughed

and cried.

Was the 2x cry delib ?

Love
Alan

[Guest_Jox_*]

Hi Alan,

Thanks for re-visiting.

"Night Owl"? I think that is a promotion from "Old Goat", so I'll take it!

Yes, the second cried was deliberate - I was trying to show that laughing and crying were part of this chap's life (the original cried) but, in the end, after looking at all his life's parts, he was still left weeping. What a cheerful chappie I am!

My partner semi-believes the Buddhists and one of the RC Brothers I used to work for (yes for fifteen years I worked for monks! - honestly) was virtually a buddhist in his beliefs. The late Judge Christmas Humpheries wrote some interesting things about the sunject, i must admit.

But I have two problems with religion. One is I think the mono-theist religions have become dangerous - Islamic terrorists and the Christian Bush regime. however, as I pointed out to someone else, I am a liberal and would never wish to come between people and their religion - it is just the global power of it which affects everybody which concerns me. I think the World would be better-off without the Islamic, Christian and Jewish power-blocks.

The second is I don't believe any of it. I wish I could but I don't. I'd love to think that my body (or at least my spirit) would continue after death but as far as I'm concerned I shall simply rot. "Pushing-up the dasies" is a great expression). How much nicer for me if I thought there was a special place in heaven where I would be re-united with those I've loved - I'd give anything to be with my old dogs again. (If you simply mean my independent spirit continuing on Earth - good Buddhist stuff this - then only if I can meet my dogs' spirits, thanks. Else I'll help the dasies, thanks.)

But I don't accept it for a minute. If you do, I'm very pleased for you - I mean that. People need support and comfort; if religion provides it that is a very positive thing. Well, from an impersonal poem to some personal thoughts.

I've just realised - Night Wol, Old Goat.... are these predictions from a Buddhist! :)

Best wishes, J.

[Cybele]

Hello again James,  

Well, here's a sunny little story

I like the layout here

You were:

Bitter
Light
Dark
Sad
Happy
Concerned
Fancy-Free
Sweet


Sweet? As in angelic or cherubic James? This adjective seems slightly at odds in an Obit for a 20th C boy.  

Shopkeepers retail their grandmothers;

I love this line James, very amusing - or conversely is it meant to be ironic - or either depending on the reader? Very clever.

And so it goes round; No part so grand.
A bit at a time;

Like that a lot James, maybe small n for no after the semi-colon?

You:

hurt
healed
frowned
smiled
fought
made-peace
cried
laughed

and cried.


Seems as if that last word should have been 'died' James preceding as it did

Ashes to ashes
dust to dust

but have I misinterpreted that part?

Yes, I'm with Alan. I believe the soul never dies.

This is all very thought-provoking James and well-structured. I thoroughly enjoyed the read.  

Love

Grace

[Guest_Jox_*]

Hi Grace; thank you very much.

I greatly appreciate your kind words and advice.

I was unsure of that pile of words; one definition people like to give (of poetry) is that it is not just a group of words. However, that's their rules and I just put down what i felt - so thanks for liking it.

Yes, sweet was as you said. It was not meant as an indication of effeminacy (though it doesn't matter if this chap was or not). It was meant in terms of a sweet nature - I had in mind an artist lost in his art - that sort of thing. If I can think of a better word I shall but I can't at the moment.

Perhaps I ought to add that I saw the subject of this as a man. But he typified the late 20thC (I was thinking hippies etc) and never really grew up mentally - lost in his art, again, I suppose. But that is only my interpretation; others may disagree.

Shopkeepers / grandmothers... some cynicism I'm afraid, Grace. How the hard commercial world ("would even sell his grandmother") carried on around this chap who remained sweet-natured - almost angelic by comparison. How isolated he became in a world of sin.

Semi-colon error - thanks Grace - will put that right.

Died / cried.

I replied to Alan about this point...

Yes, the second cried was deliberate - I was trying to show that laughing and crying were part of this chap's life (the original cried) but, in the end, after looking at all his life's parts, he was still left weeping. What a cheerful chappie I am!

So, in other words, he was brought down before he died. The Dust/Ashes is the "death scene".

I'm glad you and Alan are certain that the soul never dies. Because, that means, it never will for you. I wish I had your solace.

Thank you very much again, Grace. I do appreciate all your comments.

J.

[JustDaniel]

You have an engaging splash perspective here on your chap's life, James.  Catchy format too.

I wondered at a couple of your spellings, but since Alan and Grace have sauntered through, it must be the right way on the other side of the pond.  I'm wondering about your capitalizations after semi-colons, thinking that might be a Brit way too, but you don't ALWAYS do it, so i'm Lightly head-scratching.

As to Alan's side-swiping of 'Christianity'... not only did it come out of left field, but it is erroneous to boot.  Life after death is at the very heart, and I'm wondering what he thinks happened in the fourth century with some kind of 'cut' ??!!

Anyhow, keep hopin'... ohmmmm

Lightly, Daniel

[Guest_Jox_*]

Daniel, thanks very much - but you didn't say what you thought the errors were - please do so I can check. Thanks, J.

[JustDaniel]

Just a quickie, James.  

On second look, I think it was only schoolchildren as one word and round without an apostrophe in front of it.  However, I do discover that the former can be one word over here too.  Just never saw it that way.

I am wondering now, however, why you capitalized so much.  It seems to me that most of your 'pile,' as you called it would be more effective without the capitalization... and I'm still wondering about the capitalization after the semi-colon.  Is that British, an error, or some kind of purposed emphasis?

needin' Light, Daniel  :sun:

[Guest_Jox_*]

Daniel,

Hi and thanks for returning.

To be perfectly honest I seldom know when something is a phrase of two words or just a single word. Seems I was lucky with this one - and you were spot-on. I've looked in a couple of English dictionaries and it is a word, but I've also looked in a couple of American English dictionaries and it isn't. Oscar Wilde yet again! but please keep those eyes peeled because I'm often wrong.

You are also right about the inconsistent capitalisation. I see the two piles use different starts (one lower, the other upper case). That is an error on my part. However, I was always taught to start every line of a poem with capitals - so I'll capitalise the lot I think. I see that many of the best writers on here (you included) don't do that and I realise that the modern trend is towards using lower case also. in fact, I have learnt something and started doing that sometimes. However, in this case I'll stick with tradition - especially as each line is separate and meant to be read as such. Mind you, that makes me wonder if I ought to use a full stop on each line?

The capitalisation after a semi-colon is a typical cock-up of mine, thanks again - will correct that, too.

Thank you very much Daniel, some great points and I shall incorporate them in my next revision.

James.

[Guest__*]

Dear Daniel,

Sorry, no intent to offend :

"As to Alan's side-swiping of 'Christianity'... not only did it come out of left field, but it is erroneous to boot.  Life after death is at the very heart, and I'm wondering what he thinks happened in the fourth century with some kind of 'cut' ??!!"

I was referring not to life after death, but being born again - some would call it reincarnation, on earth in a body. The Bhuddists refer to "escaping the endless cycle of life and death" - in the Bible, Christ rises again.

But I understand the council of Nicea (spelling ?) in the 4th century removed from the Bible all references to anyone ELSE being born again on earth, thus putting it out of step with all the other major religions. Not intending to make a judgement, just reporting what I believe to be facts.

Love
Alan

[JustDaniel]

Thanks, Alan...

but if you DO check your "facts" about Nicea, you'll discover that nothing was removed from the Bible.  I have no idea what you're talking about when you equate being 'born again' with reincarnation on the earth.  They're worlds apart.  I'm afraind you need to consult original sources, my good friend. You seem to for other things.  Perhaps you ought to for this as well, ya think?

Love in Light, Daniel  :sun:

P.S.  But let's not clutter up friend James' tile with this.  We can discuss elsewhere.  I only mentioned anything because such 'facts' baldly stated ought not be left unchallenged.  I hope you both understand that.  

Blessings.

[Guest_Jox_*]

Hi,

No problem at all Daniel. I agree that, for the good of MM's critiquing forums (forua?) we perhaps should not continue extended debates in these areas - we ought to take them into the discussion threads. However, I am delighted that my effort has inspired debate and, providing I receive lit crit I'm happy. The only time I am less than happy is when people offer no advice (the advice may be "don't change it" if that is genuine - though I seldom receive those!)

I do envy you believers, though - though I know belief is not always easy. But I am that cynic mentioned by Oscar Wilde ("knows the price of everything and the value of nothing)". After all, I'm an Economist so how else could I be?

(My apologies to the late economist, the Rev. Thomas Malthus!)

James.

PS Any more crits on this one, please - before I revise it? (It does need improvement).

[Charon]

James,

Just dropped by on my way along the long and winding road.  The chains of life have me horribly locked up and busy.  As always your work intrigues me.  You walk along paths I would never think of, so you inspire.  I don't always agree, but isn't that the point, we like to challenge the reader make them think a bit?

Just look at the dialogue you have gotten stoked between two excellent artists such as Daniel and Alan.  Wonderful, you should be proud.

Interesting you call yourself a liberal.  Unfortunately that term takes a savage beating here in the states, not unlike the term conservative.  Are we not all supporters of liberty and conservative attitudes - do we not want social support structure and yet some form of moral responsiblity?


You comment about the religions, unfortunately will never happen.  Man cannot understand how something that he didn't control, think of, or do, can occur.  So it must be a God of some form that did it.  Right?

Religions go back even beyond the three you mention, Gilgamesh ring a bell?  There were wars before the 5000 year old wars we now fight, and they were about Gods and religion.  There will always be wars about Gods, because we - man - just can't let the other guy believe the way he wants to, now can we?

---

Awh but I too forget why I opened this door.

Crits, hard to say - you always write so well -

I agree with the caps they throw me at times.  I am no means a grammar expert so I attempt to interpret, usually to my demise.  

I also agree with Cybele and the word - died instead of cried.  Brings a finality to it.

I can identify a friend I recently lost in your work, so it has an impact.

Thank you friend for sharing.

Charon

[Guest_Cathy_*]

I want to take a closer look at this and the I'll get back to you.  I want to get the full impact of your words before I comment.

Cathy

[Guest_Jox_*]

Thanks for your comments all.

Butch - I will get back to you on this asap (snowed under, still working on this blinking website - why did I start??)

Cathy - thanks; I shall look forward to hearing what you have to say. I just hope that the "full impact" of my words is not like being hit by a giant fruit pudding, travelling at 1/2mph. Now why did I say that? Probably because I can't spell "blamange" and I'm not sure if it is known in America anyway.

See you soon,

A knackered and very brain-dead James.

[Guest_Cathy_*]

I'd say you've run the gamut from happy to sad, beginning to end.  The in-between was well-written as well.  You've just covered it all.

I think it's "blancmange" and I know what it is.  I do a lot of reading.  

Have a good evening!
Cathy