Midnight Sun [revised May 20], Wizard Award Options

[bbnixon]

Hi All,

Here is one perhaps more traditional than my last, would love everyones honest opinion.

:) brenda

Midnight Sun (version 4-tweaked on 5-20-07)

Shafts of light
pour down into white.
I sup on the absence
of color.
The silver wolf and I
feel the pull of the
moon calling us.

We howl.

Its ripe face chases us
from darkness into the lake
where cool still waters
mirror ashen bark.
My hand traces its glow,
a cup of moon spills through my fingers;
Ripples of sapphire, reflection of stars.

fae skimming water.

This is my magic place-
where at the age ten and one
I answered the call of the moon;
an affair whispered in mountain winds,
baptised in crystal waters. I cover myself
in a twinkling blanket of light.

One summer solstice
I became the watcher of a world
with many suns. Orange and violet
dance across the horizon.
The sun never rests.

Breaking all the rules

Midnight Sun (version 2)-thanks Merlin-I still need some help with the "the" in S3.

I am in love with the absence
of color.
Shafts of pure light
pouring down into the white.
I feel the moons pull.
I and the silver wolf

howl.

The full moon follows us
from darkness into the lake.
Paper white bark reflects
in the still cool water.
My hand traces the moon,
a cup of moon spilling through my fingers.
Ripples of water,
reflecting stars

fae skimming water.

This is my magic place
where it all began
at the age of ten and one.
I became one with the moon
the mountains, the water and
the stars.

On the summers solstice
in this magic place
I laid atop a camper.
A world with many suns,
orange and violet dance
across the horizon.
Watching the sun never set.

Breaking all the rules


Midnight Sun

I am in love with the absence
of color
pure shafts of light
pouring down into the white
I feel the pull of the full moon
I and the silver wolf
howl

the full moon follows us,
over the darkness
into the lake
surrounded by paper white bark
reflections in the still cool water
my hand traces the moon
a cup of moon spilling through my fingers
ripples in the water
reflection of stars
fae skimming water

this is my magic place
where it all began
at the age of ten and one
I became one with the moon
the mountains,
the water and the stars

on the summers solstice
in this magic place
I laid atop the camper
across the lake,
a world with many suns
orange and violet
watching the sun never set

breaking all the rules

[Merlin]

Hello BB,

I'm nobody's expert in this field, but in order to expand my own horizon, I'll be generous in my comments. Firstly, I'm from the old school where they still used punctuation. I find it a most beneficial tool in guiding the reader - in your case with the absence of all but 2 commas, I completely got lost several times. That causes me to lose interest as well. However, it's everyone's choice how to present their work.

Since this is a new area for me, I've done a lot of reading and researching to become informed. Line breaks seem to play a very important part in fv, especially since the structure is tossed away. You've broken some in places that make no sense to me; perhaps you could shed some light. Here >> paper white bark reflections , you break between bark and reflections, which seem to be a single item to me and better presented together. A different break would read better to me, such as
surrounded by
paper white bark reflections
in the still cool water
or something akin.

One thing I learned over in the R & M classroom is to watch the proliferation of "th" sounds, especially putting too many "the" into a line. I really try to keep that article to a bare minimum, and finding more than 1 per line catches my eye immediately. One has so many bits of color available to bring life into a writing, instead of resorting to the the the.

There tis.

Merlin

[bbnixon]

Hi Merlin,

Thank you, you are so right. A bad habit of mine, the punctuation less poem, as I have been slowly migrating form punctuating (likely badly)...to punctuation-less. Perhaps I need to reconsider. I also appreciate the the....comments, as perhaps I rushed this one, to post. I am going to try to fix some of those issues right now. Thank you very much for the read, I always appreciate honest feedback, and to be kept on my toes.

Hope you have a wonderful day.

:) brenda

[AMETHYST]

Hi Brenda,

The changes are great! The poem is powerful. I especially thought that first line is a hook, the concept of loving the lack of something is marvelous. Some thoughts to follow I do hope something left helps - I have been meaning to stop in, it seems everytime I start something draws me away.

Hugs, Liz

I am in love with the absence
of color.
Shafts of pure light
pouring down into the white.
I feel the moons pull.
I and the silver wolf

The first line, as already mentioned is wonderful. The images are soft, and the way you've designed the tone, it emphasises a streaming sensation. As the light streams in rays... lovely. Perhaps in L5/6 The immediate repeat of "I' in each line, slowed the read a bit. Perhaps...
I feel the moons pull
drawing me, and the silver wolf.

We howl.


The full moon follows us
from darkness into the lake.
Paper white bark reflects
in the still cool water.
My hand traces the moon,
a cup of moon spilling through my fingers.
Ripples of water,
reflecting stars

Strong images defines this stanza, such as 'paper white bark reflects -
Some weeding out suggestions ... perhaps -

A full moon follows us
from darkness into the lake.
Paper white bark reflects
in still cool waters.
My hand traces its glow,
a cup of moon spilling through my fingers.
Ripples on water, reflecting stars.


fae skimming water.

This is my magic place
where it all began
at the age of ten and one.
I became one with the moon
the mountains, the water and
the stars.

In my opinion the words 'moon, and water, also 'the' are too many -perhaps ...

This is my magic place.
It began at the age of ten and one.
I became one with the moon,
staunch mountains,
mysterious waterways and stars.



On the summers solstice
in this magic place
I laid atop a camper.
A world with many suns,
orange and violet dance
across the horizon.
Watching the sun never set.

Perhaps ...

I laid atop a camper
one summer's solstice,
a world with many suns;
orange and violet danced
across the horizon.
The sun never set.

Breaking all the rules

[Eisa]

Hi Brenda

This has a kind of mysterious feel which I enjoyed. I feel you could trim a little in places, perhaps rearranging words.


I am in love with [the] colour's absence
[of color.]
Shafts of pure light
pouring down into the white.
I feel the moons pull.
I and the silver wolf

howl.

The full moon follows us
from darkness into the lake.
Paper white bark reflects
in [the] still cool water.
My hand traces the moon,
a cup of moon spills[ing] through my fingers.
[Ripples of water] water ripples,
reflecting stars

fae skimming water.

This is my magic place
where it all began
at the age of ten and one.
I became one with the moon
the mountains, the water and
the stars.

Perhaps for L1
This place is where the magic began

I presume ten and one mean eleven. I think it's better to say eleven and avoid the repeat of one in the following line.


The ending would sound better without all the 'the's -- but better still bring some descriptions in as well.

I become one with the moon,
mountains, water and stars

or
I become one with the glowing
moon and stars,
the water lapping at the mountains edge.


On the summers solstice
in this magic place
I laid atop a camper.
A world with many suns,
orange and violet dance
across the horizon.
Watching ]the] as sun never sets.

Love the colours described here

Breaking all the rules


I hope I've been of some help -- if not just ignore.

Snow

[bbnixon]

Hi Liz and Snow,

Thank you both for your wonderful comments, I have had a sick daughter, and my boss is out of town, so I am doing two jobs this week, so I am behind in repsonding to comments, and critiquing others work. I believe when I sit down to get this revision done, perhaps tonight...I will use most of the comments, strophe 3 needs a major rewrtie, and have put my subconscious on trying to locate images for the moon, water, mountains, and stars ...hopefully my subconscious is doing a good job...and when I sit down tonight, the images will be right at my fingertips...I am keeping my fingers crossed.

Hope you both have a wonderful day....

:) brenda

[AMETHYST]

Hi Brenda, I hope everything is ok with your daughter and it isn't anything serious. Take your time we will keep an eye out for any revisions to give further feedback! I enjoyed this! Thank you...


Best Wishes, Liz

[Peterpan]

Hi Brenda~

LOVED the poem. I see there are a few crits, most of which I agree with. The overall content and approach of the poem is clever bringing the real and the unreal (fae - or that is a matter of opinion, I suppose, ) and the past all into one thought and vision. Well done!

I look forward to your edited version, and take care of that daughter! Hope she gets better soon.

Thank you for sharing this one. The moon is very special to me. I have written a lot of poems on the moon.

PP

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Brenda.

I look forward to critiquing this one later in the week.....

See ya then!
~Cleo

[bbnixon]

PP and Cleo,

Thank you so much for the read. PP, I too love the moon, and it has gotten quite a bit of pen time from me. I am glad you enjoyed it. I have made some additions/changes based on what Eisa/Liz recommended, and completely rewrote strophe 3, I am hoping this revision works. Thanks to everyone for asking about my daughter, she is well now and back to being a moody teenage girl, she is much sweeter when she is sick....but I have been told this stage passes and soon I won't be so stupid or embarrassing to her. I am hoping that is true. I believe her to be mostly perfect of course but at nearly 14, she is a rose with thorns. Cleo, I look forward to your critique.

Hope everyone has a wonderful day.

:) brenda

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Brenda.

I enjoyed your midnight sun and the imagination behind this fantasy world. I jotted down some alternates beneath each of your stanzas just to give you some food for thought - switching around the lines, words in most cases.

As always, please take or toss as you wish.
Cheers!

~Cleo

I am in love with the absence
of color.
Shafts of pure light
pouring down into the white.
The silver wolf and I
feel the moon calling us.

We howl.

Just to play a bit, I am offering a rearrangement of lines:

Shafts of pure light pour
down into white;
I’m in love with the
absence of color!
The silver wolf and I
feel the moon calling us.

We howl.

A full moon follows us
from darkness into the lake.
Paper white bark reflects
in still cool waters.
My hand traces its glow,
a cup of moon spilling through my fingers.
Ripples on water, reflecting stars.

fae skimming water.

It follows us from darkness
where ashen bark reflects
cool, still waters.
I trace its glow, a cup
of moon spills through fingertips;
ripples on water reflect stars.

Fae skimming water.

This is my magic place
where it all began,at the age of ten and one. (remove comma and add a space)
I began my love affair with the moon,
whispered my name in mountain winds,
baptized myself in crystal waters and
covered myself by a blanket of stars.

This is my magic place –
my calling at age ten and one;
an affair whispered in mountain winds,
baptized in crystal waters and
covered by blanketed stars.

One summers solstice,in this magic place (remove comma and add a space)
I laid atop a camper. Watching
a world with many suns, orange
and violet dance across the horizon.
The sun never sets.

Breaking all the rules

One summer solstice
I became the watcher of
a world with many suns, orange
and violet dancing across horizon’s edge.
The sun never set.

Breaking all the rules -
my midnight sun.

[bbnixon]

Hi Lori,

I somehow missed your comments earlier, sorry for the late response. I think I need to make a few more edits based on your comments and I might consider this one done. Thank you for the read and the comments, hope your day is very good.

:) brenda

[AMETHYST]

Hey Brenda,

I am smiling at your revisions. Because although slight changes, they all improve the poem, and don't change anything in meaning, metaphor and you lose nothing in the process. Good revision.

Some minor thoughts to consider although nothing really that stands out as awkward. Best Wishes,

Liz

Midnight Sun (version 3)

I am in love with the absence
of color.
Shafts of pure light
pouring down into the white.
The silver wolf and I
feel the moon calling us.

L4, perhaps pouring down into white.

We howl.

A full moon follows us
from darkness into the lake.
Paper white bark reflects
in still cool waters.
My hand traces its glow,
a cup of moon spilling through my fingers.
Ripples on water, reflecting stars.

Perhaps ... 'a cup of moon spills through my fingers.

fae skimming water.

This is my magic place
where it all began,at the age of ten and one.
I began my love affair with the moon,
whispered my name in mountain winds,
baptized myself in crystal waters and
covered myself by a blanket of stars.

L2, add a space between comma and 'at the age ...'
L5/6 the repeat of myself is poss unnecess.
perhaps ...

baptized in crystal waters, I covered
myself by a blanket of stars


One summers solstice,in this magic place
I laid atop a camper. Watching
a world with many suns, orange
and violet dance across the horizon.
The sun never sets.

Breaking all the rules

Again, love that ending as well. Enjoyed reading this Brenda, Thank you for sharing!

Best Wishes, Liz

[bbnixon]

Hi Liz,

I revised again using both yours and Loris comments...Curious what everyone thinks....played around with the presentation on the page too... I made myself a goal of revising everything I have posted....I think in total there are five poems...we will see how I do..Thank you for staying with me on this one....perhaps I am close?

Hope you have a wonderful day..

:) brenda

[Guest_Kathy_*]

I remember this! Where have I seen it before? Brenda, were you at Maelstrom? Eratosphere?

I think you've improved it since then.

I don't usually like centred arrangements but in this case I reckon it looks more compact, shorter and therefore more readable.

Will come back and have another look later.

K

[bbnixon]

Hi Kathy,

Nope...to Maelstrom, Eratosphere....I have only posted on my website....here...and I used if for one of the earlier revisions...for my poem a day...at poets.org...during April...that is it...you prolly saw it here....

I was playing with the centering....not sold either way...look forward to your future look.

:) brenda

I remember this! Where have I seen it before? Brenda, were you at Maelstrom? Eratosphere?

I think you've improved it since then.

I don't usually like centred arrangements but in this case I reckon it looks more compact, shorter and therefore more readable.

Will come back and have another look later.

K

[Guest_Kathy_*]

Nope, never been to Poets.org A mystery.

[Cleo_Serapis]

Now this is really much improved Brenda!



I also prefer the centering shape now. I have a few nits in this stanza:

One summers solstice
I became the watcher of
a world with many suns, orange
and violet dance across the horizon.
The sun never sets.

Delete that 's' in summers. I also think you need to either add 'where' before orange or change that comma in L3 to a semi-colon or endstop - it doesn't quite read as one complete thought at the moment? I became the watcher .... then orange and violet dance across the horizon - they appear to be two separate thoughts?

Whatcha think?

~Cleo

[bbnixon]

Hi Lori,

Thanks for the read and the kind words...I fixed the punctuation, and I changed sets to rests...works better or not?..Like your lily picture...very cool beans...i took this one yesterday...might be one of my favorite...

Hope you have a wonderful day

:) brenda

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[Arnfinn]

Hi brenda,

Hmm... a familiar name.


Reading your poem I imagine North of Alaska... Waaay up ^.

So, the scene-is-set


Midnight Sun (version 3-tweaked on 5-07-07)

Sometimes, Brenda, I'm severe, I hope you don't mind.

Shafts of pure light >>> Delete 'pure'. Pure in a poetry context is a definition of water. 'Shafts of light pour down into white' is like an explosion. The adjective 'pure' is not needed, it is excessive and detracts and meets my eye like a before-thought.
pour down into white.

Take Tennyson's. 'The Charge Of The Light Brigade.'

Half a league, half a league,
Half a league onward,
All in the valley of Death
Rode the six hundred.

What a great start to verse poetry.

Note, the charge, full of action; except for one other feature: 'the valley'. No wasted adjectives here.


I am in love with the absence
of color. <<< A great line (singlet) very good except for 'I'm in love' maybe more imagination, Brenda. One thing you've got to keep in the back of your mind is one day you will become famous, you want your poem to reach it's pinnacle 'I am in love' may let you down

The silver wolf and I
feel the pull of the
moon calling us. <<< Now, this is good. This is pure Brenda, this is original. Everything you've said grips the reader as poetry.

We howl. <<< Ha, an infinity, good, very good, gal. Another cross on the wall for the sake poetry.


Its ripe face chases us
from darkness into the lake
where ashen bark reflects
cool, still waters.<<< Whooee, good mind imagery here for me Brenda.
My hand traces its glow,<<< Why singular? 'My hands traces the glow,'

a cup of moon spills through my fingers;
Ripples on water, reflecting stars.<<< THIS POINT in your poem is beautiful. this is the best part I've read , so far. 'a cup of moon spills through my fingers; ripples on water, reflecting stars.' A Disney Land graphic. A cartoon at it's best.


fae skimming water.


This is my magic place-
where at the age ten and one
I answered the call of the moon;
an affair whispered in mountain winds,
baptized in crystal waters and <<< 'baptised'.
covered by a blanket of stars. <<< the use of 'stars' again might be overdone. 'baptised in lucent waters and covered by a blanket of crystal.'


One summer solstice
I became the watcher of a world
with many suns. Orange and violet
dance across the horizon.
The sun never rests. <<< Mate, this is very good. This is a statement full of emotion, exhilaration and realisation of life.

Breaking all the rules


Top of 'the range' poem Brenda.




Regards,


John