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Air to a Summers Day, An Oxynation. |
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Sep 24 08, 07:43
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Creative Chieftain
Group: Centurion
Posts: 2,587
Joined: 9-August 03
From: Australia
Member No.: 17
Real Name: John
Writer of: Poetry
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Revision 5.40:pm 26th September 2008 Air to a Summer's DAYSummer: silent steps with gentle feet and from flowers bees buzz merrily. Creatures clothed in pigments that deceive; dissolve into nature's wonderland-- where blows a hot wind to kiss my cheek. Air to a Summers DAYSummer: steps with gentle feet and from flowers, bees buzz merrily. Insects sporting pigments that decieve fade into coloured petaled chambers. Where blows a hot wind to kiss my cheek. repeat Where blows a hot wind to kiss my cheek.John
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Replies
(1 - 12)
Guest_ohsteve_*
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Sep 24 08, 19:00
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Guest
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John, Is that first word summen or summer? Makes a big difference in how you read it...lol. My eyes can't quite make it out. I think you can leave off the 'and' from the second line. 'Coloured petaled' seems like a mouthful, almost make you stumble in that line. I like the image that forms when reading this, gives a feel of overall relaxation. JMHO... Steve
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Sep 26 08, 02:36
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Creative Chieftain
Group: Centurion
Posts: 2,587
Joined: 9-August 03
From: Australia
Member No.: 17
Real Name: John
Writer of: Poetry
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G'day Steve, Summer, mate. I left a word out of the first line. 'silent' Nah, think i'll leave the and in (9) This is my revised version. Summer: silent steps, with gentle feet, (9) and from flowers bees buzz merrily. (9) Creatures clothed in pigments that deceive; (9) dissolve into natures wonderland, (9) where blows a hot wind to kiss my cheek (9)jOHN
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Sep 28 08, 17:51
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Group: Gold Member
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Real Name: Peggy Harwood
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:just wandered in
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Hi John, I'm not familiar with this style, but I think your poem is quite lovely and lyrical!! Makes me wish it were still summer in the northern hemisphere, too!! I can't give you any significant advise, but I do notice two nits. You shouldn't have the comma after "feet." Also, "nature" needs an apostrophe and an "s." (nature's) Peggy
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Sep 29 08, 06:06
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Creative Chieftain
Group: Centurion
Posts: 2,587
Joined: 9-August 03
From: Australia
Member No.: 17
Real Name: John
Writer of: Poetry
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Hi, Peg Nah, I want a pause before 'and'. I put the postraphy in nature's. I checked out 'Air'. Qoute: Crudden. It usually denotes a song (qv), tune or melody, or all three. Frequently used in the late 16th c. and during the 17th when many collections were published. Cowper suggests the general sense, when, in A Winter Walk at Noonhe writes. There is in souls a sympathy with sounds; And, as the mind is pitch'd the ear is pleased With melting airs, or martial, brisk, or grave: Some chord in unison with what we hear, Is touch'd within us, and the heart replies. John.
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Sep 29 08, 08:46
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 698
Joined: 29-May 06
From: US East Coast
Member No.: 185
Real Name: Peggy Harwood
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:just wandered in
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Hi John,
Thanks for clarifying "air." Cowper explains it well! Quite beautiful too!!
Peggy
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Sep 29 08, 19:29
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Mosaic Master
Group: Administrator
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Joined: 1-August 03
From: Massachusetts
Member No.: 2
Real Name: Lori Kanter
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:Imhotep
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Hey John, What a lovely new take on your Summer's Day saga! I haven't heard of this form before but your poem is very calm and serene. Other than not needing those commas up in L1, this is a lovely read! Enjoyed mate. ~Cleo
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"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the RingsCollaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. KanterNominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner
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Sep 30 08, 09:04
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Creative Chieftain
Group: Centurion
Posts: 2,587
Joined: 9-August 03
From: Australia
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Real Name: John
Writer of: Poetry
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Yeah, Peg, The whole scenario, is captivating. The plan is to use 9 sillybulls. John
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Sep 30 08, 09:09
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Creative Chieftain
Group: Centurion
Posts: 2,587
Joined: 9-August 03
From: Australia
Member No.: 17
Real Name: John
Writer of: Poetry
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Hi Lori, Yeah, I'm very happy with this piece. What I need is a couple of more verses. John
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Guest_ohsteve_*
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Sep 30 08, 15:34
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Guest
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Oct 1 08, 02:44
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Creative Chieftain
Group: Centurion
Posts: 2,587
Joined: 9-August 03
From: Australia
Member No.: 17
Real Name: John
Writer of: Poetry
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Thank Steve, I think I'll take the girls advice n' take the comma's out. John
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Guest_prerna bala_*
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Jan 13 09, 06:49
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Guest
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your nine silly bulls sing a nice song Mister
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Jan 14 09, 05:50
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Creative Chieftain
Group: Centurion
Posts: 2,587
Joined: 9-August 03
From: Australia
Member No.: 17
Real Name: John
Writer of: Poetry
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Thank You PB, dON'T GET ME GOING. i'M PLEASED THAT YOU ARE TREADING THE BOARDS. Keep your mind focused on the family at MM. You won't go wrong. Regards, John
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