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SUMMER'S DAY - Haiku [revised 23 Sep 2008], HAIKU |
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Sep 19 08, 01:53
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Creative Chieftain
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Revision 10/03/2009 A much better version. Thank you Leo. White coated aphids Sucking sap from blithe plum trees. Hot breeze fans my face.
JohnRevision 23/09/2008 Aphids in white coats.
Hot summer's breeze on my cheek.
Blithe trees: sap sucking. SUMMER'S DAY
Aphids in white jackets.
Hot summer's breeze on my cheek.
Footsteps: tread gently.John
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Replies
(1 - 19)
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Sep 19 08, 06:04
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Real Name: Walter Schwim
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Referred By:Mistral
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Hi John,
Apart from the extra syllable in L1, it flows well and sings of deep summer, Thank you.
Wally
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Sep 19 08, 08:44
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Mosaic Master
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Referred By:Imhotep
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Hi John, I'm thinking you might want to find a sub for "hot summer's" without actually saying 'summer'. With such a short form to choose, I think each word should be carefully considered. Do you mind if I move this thread to Shogun's Psalms as that is where this should go since it contains less than 7 lines? You could also include the links to the other two poems you've already posted to let us know this is another stab at the same message/insipration. As to the extra syll in L1, it's not too big a deal (if you're not a formalist of Haiku) as long as the entire poem does not exceed 17. I'm not certain that the juxtaposition of footsteps in L3 to aphids in L1 is strong enough though? Perhaps a "flutter of footsteps" might link it more or some other characteristic of aphids that would give the last line that 'punch' that the form requires? Whatcha think? ~Cleo
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"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the RingsCollaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. KanterNominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner
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Sep 20 08, 07:13
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Creative Chieftain
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Hi Wally, Extra syllable in line one? Aphids/ in / white/ jack/ets. ??? 5 ??? John
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Sep 20 08, 08:27
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Mosaic Master
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Hi John,
Moved the poem for you. We count Aphids as 2 sylls here, which is why is reads to us as 6 syllables.
It's not so much to change the word 'breeze' to air as it is to change the word 'summer' with something else that would make us imagine it's summer time. You'd have to find a word that would give us the impression of summer that would fit with the 'aphids' theme.
-Lori
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"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the RingsCollaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. KanterNominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner
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Sep 20 08, 19:01
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Referred By:just wandered in
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Hi John,
Could you say, "Aphids in white coats"? Then it would be five syllables.
You could also use the name of a summer month rather than "summer's." So it could read "Hot August breeze on my cheek."
Peggy
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Sep 21 08, 00:52
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Creative Chieftain
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Nah, Better explain.
This haiku is written in alphabetical English.
AY BEE CEE DEE EEE FFF GEE etc.
A in Aphids is pure. Though, in the case of Jackets, the E is not: jack-ets.
If you have a spelling dictionary you check the above for yourself.
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Writing the haiku in As per the Oxford etymological dictionary. The poem would change to.
Ay-fuds in white suits (soots)
hot summers breeze on my cheek
footsteps: tread gently
John
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Sep 21 08, 09:03
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Hi John,
My goodness! This sounds quite complex!
Peggy
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Sep 21 08, 12:18
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Mosaic Master
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Hey Peggy, the problem is universal : in Australia, August isn't summer - it's winter. I see that aphids are known for sucking sap from plants. Perhaps that could be used somehow in the closing line John? Food for thought mate! ~Cleo
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"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the RingsCollaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. KanterNominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner
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Sep 22 08, 02:03
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Creative Chieftain
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Hi Peg, Nah, you have to believe in my veracity, in times like this. The Haiku Summer's Day is written alphamogicly. Anyone can do it. Its just that nobody seems to bother. John
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Sep 22 08, 02:22
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Creative Chieftain
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Hi Lori, I knew you would agree with the rational behind all this. An aphid by any other name an AY-fud. The last line could read thus: Insects: sap sucking Aphids in white coats hot summers breeze on my cheek Insects: sap sucking. Hey, girls. I THINK WE'VE DONE IT! Aphids in white coats
hot summers breeze on my cheek
Insects: sap sucking.YYYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeHa John
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Sep 22 08, 06:01
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Mosaic Master
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Hi John - getting there with this one. Instead of insects - can you think of a word that's NOT quite so obvious and matches up to that breeze, perhaps a type of fruit tree or vegetable in summer time? Cleo
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"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the RingsCollaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. KanterNominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner
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Sep 23 08, 02:13
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Creative Chieftain
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Well there's a lot of plum trees in Japan. Aphids in white coats
hot summers breeze on my cheek
Plum trees: sap sucking.or blithe trees: sap sucking blithe (in happy terms) means breezy. John
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Sep 23 08, 05:32
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Mosaic Master
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Hi John, If you're asking me, I prefer : blithe trees: sap sucking as it has alliteration to that 'breeze' from L2. Don't forget to add that apostrophe in summer's too! ~Cleo
······· ·······
"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the RingsCollaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. KanterNominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner
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Sep 23 08, 05:55
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Creative Chieftain
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Ok. Aphids in white coats.
Hot summer's breeze on my cheek.
Blithe trees: sap sucking.Yeah that might dooo. John
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Sep 25 08, 11:52
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Hi John, I like the revision! Wally
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Sep 26 08, 02:02
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Creative Chieftain
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I appreciate your comments, Wally. Mutch better to put in, the homework ,here than at my computer desk. Thank you my friend. John
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Mar 7 09, 11:55
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Hello Arnfinn - I like your aphids in white coats - they sound like tiny Medics. However, I am a little worried about the idea of sap sucking blithe trees. Even with a colon, it leaves a rather scary mental image. Might I make a tentative suggestion for your consideration? White coated aphids Sucking sap from blithe plum trees. Hot breeze fans my face. .Leo
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Mar 7 09, 23:08
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Creative Chieftain
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G'day, Leonora.
White coated aphids Sucking sap from blithe plum trees. Hot breeze fans my face.
Yes, That is a better perspective.
Thank you.
John
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