Tanka, 5-7-5-7-7 [or less] Options

[JustDaniel]

Note: I'd thought there had been a post on this form earlier, but I could not locate it. If I'm incorrect, please let me know.

Tanka is a Japanese form of poetry of 31 onji; the closest we Americans come to that is to think in terms of 31 syllables. The lines are generally 5,7,5,7,7 syllables in length -- or preferably less -- short-long-short-long-long.

I'm told that the earlier tanka shifted rhythm after the 12th onji; the more modern ones de-emphasize the location of shift or switch after the 17th.

At any rate, here are some of my own attempts, for whatever they may be worth:


Stumbling

Stumbling into growth
may be bloody painful stuff,
but scars remind me
this vulnerability
opens my heart to loving.

© MLee Dickens'son 05 July 2002



Jesus’ Earthy Dad

kept her a virgin
miraculous conception
of Mary’s Joseph
whose union was further blessed:
four sons and unnamed daughters

© MLee Dickens'son12 Dec 2003

- Matthew 1:25; Mark 6:3



annuals vs. perennial

‘lovers’ seek to come
seasoned and with wild bouquet
pretending to root;
a love is but one… who blooms
when planted in nurtured ground

© MLee Dickens'son 18 Dec 2003

[JustDaniel]

Lori... since you've asked about Tanka (and I'm no expert)... let me merely offer a few of mine... some tongue in cheek and some serious:

casting wile d'autres

small stones gave holeness
to old homes’ naked windows
when I was a stud;
some of us got our rocks off
or went on flings diff’rently

© M Lee Dickens’son 12 Dec 2003

dancing thoughts

though eye'd love to watch
feet would far more rush to join
and arms long to hold;
nose knows ascent of its own
and fingers ache but to touch

© M Lee Dickens’son 16 May 2004

do the arithmetic

teach the hollowness
of dull, worn mathematics...
students age, crumble,
ourselves spent, bent willows
who’ve wept till our branches droop

© MLee Dickens’son 27 June 2009

composed of Ten Words from Jack LaZebnik’s The Day the Tree Fell Down:
age, wept, branches, dull(ed), mathematics, bent, hollowness, crumble(ing), ourselves, worn

LIGHT + TRIALS = growth

Light is where He dwells;
it shines indescribably.
God leaves us speechless:
Holy, Unapproachable…
though His arms reach out, embrace.

Trials provide growth:
review in Dark what we’ve learned
in Light, His presence;
all difficulties purpose
lasting fruit. That’s holiness.

© Daniel J Ricketts 29 May 2005

[JustDaniel]

boundaries

many a kiss
becomes a wake-up slap
boundaries
define who we're not
where we'd like to be

© MLee Dickens’son

[JustDaniel]

re-membered

remember:
days when you ran
with the wind
they have passed away
like your knees

© MLee Dickens'son 2012

[Alan]

I can't
like your knees
gnarled
and knobbly
unneccessarily so

Alan

Daniel, you say 31 sylls or less, but HOW much less is still OK ? DSoes this qualify as short-long-short-lon-long ?

[Larry]

Standing among stumps
where a forest once florished,
life has departed.
Looking for the reason why,
eyes are blinded by my tears.

[JustDaniel]

I can't
like your knees
gnarled
and knobbly
unneccessarily so

Alan

Daniel, you say 31 sylls or less, but HOW much less is still OK ? DSoes this qualify as short-long-short-lon-long ?

The length of your lines here would be fine, in and of themselves, Alan. However, there is usually a PIVOT at the third line, so that the first three lines each are a self-sufficient part of ONE observation, and either the last two lines, OR the last three lines (using the third line in both pictures) each form a self-sufficient part of ANOTHER observation. Does that make sense? [ I picture a tanka kind of as a haiku/senryu with two long lines as an additional (or part of another) observation of the same phenomenon. ]

Let me ATTEMPT to use your pictures to give an example of this:

it is painful
to like your knees
since they're gnarled
they seem knobbly
so unnecessarily

deLighting in your sharing, Daniel

[Larry]

Pictures are painted
depicting what artists see
or wish to reveal.
Beauty is self-evident
but epiphanies take time.

[JustDaniel]

a yellow splash
on an indigo canvas...
epiphany
a burst of radiance
comes out of the blue

[JustDaniel]

A Current Scene

Look at your King...
shall I crucify him?
"Our king is Caesar!"
The government nails the Lord
in the mix with criminals

© MLee Dickens'son 2013

[Larry]

Hi Daniel,

Timely and nicely done! I'll have to get back to you with a continuation of your post.

Larry

[JustDaniel]

Thanks, Larry. I tried to utilize an old story to demonstrate a current reality as well.

whitehousewash

scrape away lose flecks,
gouge out rotted ugliness;
paint an undercoat
caulk fills damage, prevents more;
final coat hides multitudes

[Larry]

in de finite life

multitudes hide coats
in moth-proof summer storage
to further the life
of dead animals and plants
pausing and stemming decay

[JustDaniel]

since dogwood decayed
he constructed a cathouse;
good for his business
as his wife watched it grow
he ended in the doghouse

[JustDaniel]

fulfilled prophecy

lots cast for his clothes,
"I thirst" and "It is finished,"
soldiers pierce his side;
mourners entomb his body...
three days later, "He's alive!"

© MLee Dickens'son 2013

Meditation on Psalm 22, Zech. 12 and John 19

[JustDaniel]

three weeks later
I'm still here in rehab
to have my IV's:
simply antibiotics
for body to stave off staph

[Larry]

Christmas time is near
but people seem to forget
the season’s meaning
with what’s found under the tree
instead of the star on top

[JustDaniel]

star studded at top
of the football team's roster
can't carry the ball
but no one expects him to;
he protects the quarterback

[Larry]

get a quarter back
when you’re buying a new car
and you pay with cash
so when you get a flat tire
you’ll always have some spare change

[JustDaniel]

change your spare often
by rotating the new tires
to even their wear
so everything is balanced
though your checkbook may not be

[Larry]

checkbook may not be
mathematically correct
but when it add up
there is nothing left in it;
funds are gone but it was fun

[JustDaniel]

Mafunzalo had
a habit of borrowing
he never paid back
family members would lend
so Theirfunzalo also

[Larry]

sew their funzalo
where it will be long enough
and won't show too much;
a careless seamstress finds that
ma's funzalo doesn't fit

[JustDaniel]

funzalo won't sit
well with a neighborhood loan shark
he keeps his hand on
his assets; best that you pay
if you would keep your hands on

[Larry]

you would keep your hands
to yourself in crowded bars
or you’ll spill your drink
on someone bigger than you
and get shots you can’t swallow

[JustDaniel]

shooting the swallows
frowned on in Capistrano
Goya won't can them
they are migratory birds
every year on March 19th

[Larry]

march on the 19th
and you are two days early
for MLK day
but you were off Saturday
and Sunday’s a day of rest.

[JustDaniel]

on Sunday you wrest
strange verses from your Bible;
you've something to prove
on Monday you realize
you are just a pompous ass

[Larry]

just a pompous ass
is not very descriptive
for Congress’ people
with their heads stuck in the sand;
they are all a bray-zen bunch

[JustDaniel]

yes, the bray-zen bunch
seem to all be jackasses
and their heads are not
buried somewhere in the sand;
they're in their large derrieres

[Larry]

Their large derrieres
are covered with big pockets
which the like to fill
with money from certain funds
from the special interest gropes




No Daniel, I didn't mean "groups".

[JustDaniel]

interested gropes
are frowned upon by women;
enhanced derrieres
are only for the looking
not for attracted fingers

[Larry]

attracted fingers
with all her Rubenesque curves
and the thought lingers
in my mind but lack of nerves
cause tears as the eye observes


How about one that rhymes?

[JustDaniel]

tears as eyes see
Kim Kardashian tonight
Fallon doesn't flee
but hugs her; it's quite a sight
so much packed in suit that tight

[Larry]

packed in their tight suits,
female stars flaunt each blessing
which no one refutes
but I must be confessing
I’d rather be caressing

[JustDaniel]

I'll be caressing
without any confessing
'cause she is my wife
I enjoy my present life
and will not stir any strife

[Larry]

any strife will stir
pain or anger will occur
and may often blur
what’s said and what you infer
when you are speaking to her

[JustDaniel]

when you are speaking
if you rope in your vowels
you will make no sense
if you toss out consonants
you can vocalize all night

[Larry]

vocalize all night
if you are a coyote
with the moon in sight
and you feel billy-goaty
when you’ve eaten peyote

[JustDaniel]

if you eat oat pie
you are poorer than I am
try a few raisins
they'll help you get up and go
and even make you feel flushed

[Larry]

make a flush and feel
that you have a winning hand
so when your chips spill
in the pot and things seem grand
don’t cry when four aces land

[JustDaniel]

when four asses land
in the four-seater out house
it's plop plop fizz fizz
oh, what a relief it is...
out before you're overcome

[Larry]

before you are out
from swinging bats through the air
you would like to clout
that baseball so hard you would tear
the cover off and stay fair

[JustDaniel]

ball with no cover
and everyone will see you
do it under wraps
your mate will appreciate
your giving her privacy

[Larry]

her privacy gives
sufficient time to enjoy
the result which lives
in memories you employ
when old age looks might annoy

[JustDaniel]

old age might annoy
Lori so she doesn't look
down here to see it
ours sticks out all the edges
and oozes onto the page

[Larry]

oozes on the page
are unctuous platitudes
which may be the rage
but with today’s attitudes
I’d rather have gratitudes

[JustDaniel]

having gratitude
is the surest way to peace
the world keeps turning
and we don't fall off the globe
nor lose all of our marbles

[Larry]

lost all their marbles
when the ruling was announced
and Donald warbles
with tweets, their vendetta’s trounced;
heads will roll but some just bounced

[JustDaniel]

he said heads would roll
and Old MacDonald proved it
go, and lettuce see!
cabbage is even better
because it holds together

[Larry]

because it will hold
pomade is good for the hair
and good brushes mold
a style that makes people stare
if you have enough up there

[JustDaniel]

I don't have enough
that would ever make it lie
it can't tell the truth
if it did it would tell you
that I did not shave my head

[Larry]

that I did not shave
is what I hear from my wife
‘till I’m in my grave
and it always causes strife
but I guess that is my life

[JustDaniel]

I guess that my life
is not so complicated
my wife says nothing
whether I shave or do not
she thinks it makes me bristle?

[Larry]

it makes me bristle
when I walk through the tall grass
and a large thistle
jabs my ankle or my ass;
my lawnmower needs more gas

[JustDaniel]

lawnmower needs gas
back yard looks like a wheat field
sowed on fallow ground
some of the rocks in the yard
in the head of the owner

[Larry]

head of the owner
is now shining and sunburned
and it’s a groaner
when realizing he spurned
sunscreen but now he has learned

[Larry]

now he has learned “but”
should not be found at the end
of a phrase so cut
that addition and suspend
the afterthought you may send

[JustDaniel]

send an afterthought
some time after digesting
get rid of the gas
well-constructed ideas
will not just put up a stink

[Larry]

just put up a stink
about participation;
it’s not what you think,
it’s just solicitation
and my anticipation

[JustDaniel]

don't anticipate
anything profound from me;
eyes and mind are slow
it's a chore just to get up
and clean out the pool filter

[Larry]

clean the pool filter
after the dog swims around;
it’s out of kilter
when I get hair by the pound
he sheds all over the ground

[JustDaniel]

scat all over ground
where the dog took morning walk;
quite a hairy scene
best to wait for it to dry
ere using pooper-scooper

[Larry]

pooper scooper use
helps in keeping your hands clean
from solids or juice
or something that’s in between
that may look or smell obscene

[JustDaniel]

smelling out Ob scene
were homicide detectives
four Obs found murdered
maid seemed very Ob-servant
so policemen checked her out

[Larry]

policemen checked her
on the lighted street corner
but had to defer
arrest and had to warn her
to quit being a joiner

[JustDaniel]

John caught joinin' 'er
ended up in the hoosegow;
'e kneaded arrest
since 'e didn't have the dough
to stay out of the oven

[Larry]

out of the oven
for the miner infraction
of diggin’ lovin’;
professional’s attraction
caved in by legal faction

[JustDaniel]

a large infection
found him scratching genitals;
his immoral itch
found to be causing him more
than his bargains expected

[Larry]

expected bargain
when shopping for what’s offered
with shouted jargon
is not worth monies proffered
a disbelieving cough heard?

[JustDaniel]

believe a coffin
will never hold your body?
need an adjustment
either to your body weight
or view that you will not die.

[Larry]

view that you will die
because it happens to all
even if you try
by spending money to stall
the inevitable pall

[JustDaniel]

available gall
is shouted in the mean streets
gullible crowd hears
truths stripped out of their context
to slander adversaries

[Larry]

To adversaries,
I would suggest you make peace
for each path varies
but some are covered with grease
and rivalries never cease

[JustDaniel]

will rivalries cease?
will the Hatfields and McCoys
keep shooting down peace?
the Masons and Dixons can't
find a trace of their old line

[Larry]

their line finds a trace
of reasoning for the feud
but one must save face
without kin being too crude
so both families are screwed

[JustDaniel]

someone must be screwed
for family's seed to pass;
that impregnation
had best be consensual
or feud will emerge screaming

[Larry]

Feud emerged screaming
from the peace which used to reign;
guns and knives gleaming
and both sides must be insane
for such hatred you can’t feign

[JustDaniel]

unfeigned hatred
eliminates guesswork
look down the barrel
and you'll see the clear water
collected from off your roof

[Larry]

collect from your roof
all of the branches and leaves
so you can snow-proof
every gutter and the eaves
from what a long winter heaves

[JustDaniel]

in long winter, heave
all the snow off your sidewalk
or just stay inside
letting fat accumulate
so you can't walk when spring comes

[Larry]

you can’t walk in springs
without getting your feet wet
and oozing mud clings
until dried, then it will set
and you’ll have feet of clay yet.

[JustDaniel]

you'll have feet of clay
if you pretend to be strong
could collapse in heap
of bricks and powdered mortar
interspersed with ivy sprigs

[Psyche]

you'll have feet of clay
if you pretend to be strong
could collapse in heap
of bricks and powdered mortar
interspersed with ivy sprigs

Hi Daniel, haven't been here for ages. I like your tanka, highly original. But ouch! Not for me. LOL.
Deftly worded. Hope you had a peaceful Christmas.
Best wishes, Sylvia

[JustDaniel]

Great to see you visiting in Karnak, Sylvia!

Actually my latest tanka (a game with me and Larry, where we take part of the last line of the previous tanka to start a new one) is precisely what was happening to the chimney of hour house in Bridgeton. When we put on a new roof, the whole upper part of the chimney was simply a bunch of bricks stacked on each other, since the mortar had been eaten away by the residual of natural gas that was going through the chimney from our heaters and water heater. Our workers threw the bricks one or two at a time over our hedge into the neighboring property, where we cleaned them up and stacked them for later use. We had to put in a stainless steel liner which we had made by a local person and our guys installed it with some difficulty. Saved the main structure of the chimney by the stabilization with the liner and our redoing some of the mortar and parging and then painting the chimney, removing all the ivy that was growing on it as well. It could have been a huge mess!

[Larry]

Interspersed with twigs
is what's left of my garden
after the wild pigs
had wreaked it without pardon.
Shared one with the game warden.


just slipping in for a moment.

Thanks for the heads-up. It is now a proper Tanka.

[JustDaniel]

Your line four is a syllable short for the typical tanka.

Shared with game warden
Larry's gun activity
He's setting a trap
expecting to capture him
to get a hunting licence

[Larry]

A hunting license
requires some prerequisites;
the desire to kill
and possession of a gun.
Otherwise, it ain’t no fun.

[JustDaniel]

Havin' pain ain't fun
nor is an amputation
but it disappears
along with neuropathy
when the right leg gets cut off!

[Larry]

Right leg gets cut off
which is a drastic measure
but one can not scoff
when this action brings pleasure;
for we’re blessed with mind’s treasure.

[JustDaniel]

minding our treasure
could devolve into hoarding
if we lose our mind...
which for me'd be a problem
since I haven't found it yet!

[Larry]

I haven’t found it
because memory’s hazy
so I’ll just admit
neither of us is lazy.
It’s a short trip to crazy


Thanks for the heads-up! It is now edited and grammatically correct.

[JustDaniel]

Ah, a rhyming tanka! Great job, Larry...

and by the way it's "neither of us IS lazy."


taking a short trip
to gather my Rollator
I visit the store
put boxed groceries on seat
to transport to van then home

[Larry]

Daniel, I had to pause for a while because your Tanka brought to mind Ginger using her wheeled walker everywhere she went, including while at home. I was saddened by another melancholic reminder of the impaired mobility she dealt with each day. The walker and her canes are now donated to the Physical Therapy facility she used for the last few years. Hope you progress to the point where your "Rollator" is of no further use and can also be donated. My penchant for the rhyming Tanka is just a way of adding another degree of difficulty to an otherwise descriptive form I love.


To transport then home,
I had to fold up and lift
her walker to roam.
It has become P.T.’s gift
and I hope she is not miffed.

[JustDaniel]

she's surely not miffed
for it's being used again
very thoughtful gift
surely they have handymen
to service it now and then

[Larry]

Service now and then
is where I should be going
for our plan was when
improvements started showing,
that’s blessings He’s bestowing

[JustDaniel]

He bestows blessing
even when we're not looking
Best we're not messing
with our destiny, booking
trips before dinner's cooking

[Larry]

Looks like it is rhyme time in Tanka town!


Trips before dinner
when you’re fishing on the lake
might be a winner
if you catch fish you can bake;
it’s a chance you have to take!

[JustDaniel]

chancy on the lake
if you don't wear a life vest
do it for my sake
it's more than I could digest
to have a funeral fest!

[Larry]

A funeral fest
is normally called a wake
but I lost the best
and that pain I cannot take;
it’s His decision to make