Inconstant Dream (new title), A cosmic fantasy Options

[Guest_Maxim_*]

Re-titled with intro added and some revisions (thanks to Amethyst):

For those who have wondered why the moon goes through phases;
           why a shooting star blazes; why the stars have formed shapes in the skies;
                      or if night is the time intended for dreaming, why lovers hold dreams in their eyes...

Inconstant Dream

When Dream, adrift in starlit skies,
first chanced upon the Dawn,
she slipped beneath the evening veil,
descending on a moonbeam's trail,
to greet that early Morn.
Remaining there in hidden guise,
she gazed out through young lovers' eyes
as each new Day was born.

As Moon and Stars full realise
that Dream was made to stray;
they call upon eternal Night
for aid, to remedy their plight,
against the light of Day.
Says Night, "No need oppose Sunrise,
for in your luster power lies
to beckon Dream your way."

To grow in size then Moon essays
and buffs his nimbus bright;
whilst Stars dance through their galaxies
and patternings designed to please
are drawn across the Night.
And Dream awaiting Day's first blaze,
enraptured by those lunar rays,
joins Stars' celestial flight.

Albeit serene, as Night now seems,
betimes Dream visits Day;
then Moon puffs out his brightest face
and Stars across the heavens race,
lest she is moved to stay.
For lovers, fewer daytime dreams,
yet in their eyes how Sunrise gleams
as Dream still drifts their way.

by MaXiM

Original

Night & Day-Dream

When Dream, adrift in starlit skies,
first chanced upon the Dawn,
she slipped beneath the evening veil,
descending on a moonbeam's trail,
to greet the early Morn.
There she remained in hidden guise,
gazing through young lover's eyes
as each new Day was born.

As Moon and Stars full realise
that Dream was made to stray;
they call upon eternal Night
for help, to remedy their plight,
against the light of Day;
says Night, "No need oppose Sunrise,
for in your luster power lies
to beckon Dream away."

To grow in size the Moon essays
and buffs his nimbus bright.
Whilst Stars dance through their gallaxies
and patternings designed to please
are drawn across the Night.
And Dream awaiting Day's first blaze,
enraptured by those lunar rays,
joins Stars' celestial flight.

Albeit serene the Night's skies seem,
betimes Dream visits Day;
then Moon puffs out his brightest face
and Stars across the heavens race,
lest she is moved to stay.
Now lovers seldom may daydream,
yet Sunrise glows with special gleam
when Dream drifts by that way.

[AMETHYST]

Hello Maxim,

I don't think I have had the pleasure of meeting you yet. Allow me to introduce myself... I am Liz, otherwise known as Amethyst or Poetprncess. I like what I see here. The title, was a bit tell tale, but the read was a pleasant surprise. It seemed, the title gave me the impression that what would follow might be a worn out, over done subject and yet, I must say there is a lot of fresh and original idea's here...even the imagery, which is difficult to paint in a new light, seems to have a nice fresh slant.

The poem seemed sort of familiar and I cannot put my finger on it. Perhaps, you have posted this elsewhere?

Please use anything that might be worth your time, otherwise lose the rest.

Best Wishes and look forward to reading more of your poetry.

Liz

Night & Day-Dream

When Dream, adrift in starlit skies,
first chanced upon the Dawn,
she slipped beneath the evening veil,
descending on a moonbeam's trail,
to greet the early Morn.
There she remained in hidden guise,
gazing through young lover's eyes
as each new Day was born.

The Capital of Dream/Dawn allows us to know that it is not the state of dreaming, but rather Dream is represented as a singular person or entity. I thought this rather brilliant and done amazingly well. The inner movement through sounds and perfect word choices are executed quite well.
The first stanza is set up with precision. The only slight nit I find in S1 is in L6. I think it is the double iamb "THERE she reMAINED..." doesn't come off too easily to my ear, it is a very tiny nit and possibly could go without consideration.


As Moon and Stars full realise
that Dream was made to stray;
they call upon eternal Night
for help, to remedy their plight,
against the light of Day;
says Night, "No need oppose Sunrise,
for in your luster power lies
to beckon Dream away."

Again this stanza is lovely and enchanting. The personification of the elements, such as Moon, Stars, Night and Sunrise is impeccable. The only small nit in S2, is L4. I don't think "for help, to remedy..' holds steady. There is a slight disruption in the flow and although it is minor, the poem on the whole is excellent with meter and rhythm, it becomes noticable to my ear.

Perhaps..

assist and remedy their plight   or   and urge to remedy their plight.



To grow in size the Moon essays
and buffs his nimbus bright.
Whilst Stars dance through their gallaxies
and patternings designed to please
are drawn across the Night.
And Dream awaiting Day's first blaze,
enraptured by those lunar rays,
joins Stars' celestial flight.

Albeit serene the Night's skies seem,
betimes Dream visits Day;
then Moon puffs out his brightest face
and Stars across the heavens race,
lest she is moved to stay.
Now lovers seldom may daydream,
yet Sunrise glows with special gleam
when Dream drifts by that way.

These last two stanza are perfection to my ear and my mind. I love the way the grow into spectacle of universal unity. Sometimes, I think that archaic voice or tone often take away from the poem, however you've used it sparingly and in places where it almost seems natural in compareson to the meaning and images of the poem. Excellent poetry.



by MaXim

[Guest_Maxim_*]

Hi Liz

I don't think I have had the pleasure of meeting you yet.

We actually 'met' about a year and a half ago, when I first dipped my toe into this ocean that is poetry writing, through Port Haven as MGT - although I only realised it when you mentioned 'Poetprncess' . Since then I have had a few long periods without the opportunity to post due to moving/work/web access etc. and have only just returned to MM after a break of many months. I have previously tried to reconnect to Port Haven but the links I had no longer worked and I could not trace the site  - has it closed or moved?

Anyway you were extremely helpful to me back then and I recall some of your poems as being inspiring, especially your sonnets. I also recall that you gave great advice on meter and rhyme and had a great ear/feel for flow, so I really appreciate your comments here.

The title, was a bit tell tale, but the read was a pleasant surprise..

I had meant to indicate that the title was a working one. I am not particularly happy with it but am waiting for something better to come to mind. You probably won’t recall but I previously had problems with titles - sometimes making them too obvious.

The poem seemed sort of familiar and I cannot put my finger on it. Perhaps, you have posted this elsewhere?

No, it's only just been written – this week. It may be that it is similar in tone/style to one I posted on PH called "Awaiting Inspiration" - I think you critted that one?

I think it is the double iamb "THERE she reMAINED..." doesn't come off too easily to my ear.

This is what I meant about your great ear. How about "Remaining there in hidden guise"?

I don't think "for help, to remedy..' holds steady.

I have looked for alternatives to 'help' without success. Although I read a natural break in here, as 'to remedy their plight' is a comment inserted in the main sentence. But this may be inconsistent with the rest of the flow. I will consider your suggestions but if it means adjusting the lines around - I may have to decide which is the lesser of ills.

These last two stanza are perfection to my ear and my mind.

This pleasantly surprises me as I was least comfortable with the last stanza. I already had a re-write for the ending to try to tidy up the link to lovers:
'So lovers seldom now daydream,
though Dawn still holds a special gleam
when Dream drifts by their way.'
But I will wait to see if I receive any further comments on this."

Thank you for your comments which are very much appreciated.


Maxim

[AMETHYST]

WELL HEY THERE YOU!

Yes, I remember you and your work quite well. I am so very glad to see you here and I do hope to be seeing more of your work. I think you are right, I associated this poem with another. I have to go see. I most probably critiqued Awaiting Inspiration, as I believe when I was active I always use to look for your work.

As for title, no one fumbles with a title more than I  :sprite: I think most of my poetry gets retitled at least 4 times before I 'settle' ... If an alternative comes to mind, I promise to come by and post it.


[quote]
Remaining there in hidden guise"?
[/b]

This is perfect! It flows naturally and enhances the meaning that you had intended.  


[quote]
I have looked for alternatives to 'help' without success. Although I read a natural break in here, as 'to remedy their plight' is a comment inserted in the main sentence. But this may be inconsistent with the rest of the flow. I will consider your suggestions but if it means adjusting the lines around - I may have to decide which is the lesser of ills.[/quote]

Ok... let's see perhaps...


for aid, to remedy their plight.

Just a quick substitute for help. I think the line itself works well, with the pause, just the word help feels too rough or out of place. :)

[quote]

'So lovers seldom now daydream,
though Dawn still holds a special gleam
when Dream drifts by their way.'
[/quote]

The word daydream is a trochee, so how this reads is

so LOVers SELdom now DAYdream

even the original "so lovers seldom may daydream' still has that stumble, I didn't see it last night at work.

the problem is the ending. What would work absolutely perfectly is a headless Iamb...

So now, the lovers seldom daydream (headless Iamb.)
thought Dawn still sheds a spectral gleam
when Dream drifts by their way.

Just suggestions... use what you think is in line with what you are going for.

Great to see you again, and will be hoping to read more of your work


Hugs, Liz

[Guest_Maxim_*]

Hi Liz

"for aid, to remedy their plight."
Just a quick substitute for help. I think the line itself works well, with the pause, just the word help feels too rough or out of place. :)

I had previously selected 'help' over 'aid' as I thought it had a softer ending sound(?) - but on re-hearing I guess that the longer vowel sound is a better lead up to the pause and makes it more natural. So I will reconsider this.

the original "so lovers seldom may daydream' still has that stumble, I didn't see it last night at work.

I thought it was too good to be true before.   Thanks for your thoughts on this line - I have since tried a variation which I think may work without decapitating any iambs:

Albeit serene as Night now seems,
betimes Dream visits Day;
then Moon puffs out his brightest face
and Stars across the heavens race,
lest she is moved to stay.
For lovers, fewer daytime dreams;
yet in their eyes how Sunrise gleams
when Dream still drifts their way.

I also think I had to force the iambic meter more in the last line of the original?

Thanks again

Maxim

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hello Martin.  

Your revision (and your intro) are SWEEEET!  :pharoah2

I find this one a charming, whimsical poem that could be read to young and old. Your rhythm is steady and the rhyme scheme is smooth (not forced).

I've just a couple of comments below for you to ponder.

Cheers!
~Cleo  

When Dream, adrift in starlit skies,
first chanced upon the Dawn,
she slipped beneath the evening veil,
descending on a moonbeam's trail,
to greet the early Morn.
Remaining there in hidden guise,
gazing through young lovers' eyes
as each new Day was born.
A lovely, whimsical opening!

As Moon and Stars full realise
that Dream was made to stray;
they call upon eternal Night
for aid, to remedy their plight,
against the light of Day;
says Night, "No need oppose Sunrise,
for in your luster power lies
to beckon Dream away."
Nice emergence of personification

To grow in size then Moon essays
and buffs his nimbus bright.
Whilst Stars dance through their gallaxies  (sp. galaxies)
and patternings designed to please (Is patternings a made-up word?)
are drawn across the Night.
And Dream awaiting Day's first blaze,
enraptured by those lunar rays,
joins Stars' celestial flight.

Albeit serene, as Night now seems,
betimes Dream visits Day;
then Moon puffs out his brightest face
and Stars across the heavens race, (should Heavens be capitalized?)
lest she is moved to stay.
For lovers, fewer daylight dreams,
yet in their eyes how Sunrise gleams
when Dream still drifts their way.

[Guest_Maxim_*]

Hi Cleo

Thanks for your comments.

'Whimsical' is a good description of this poem - although it started out as an attempt at a love poem, the first stanza initially reading something like:
A dream adrift in starry skies,
chancing 'pon the dawn,
slipped beneath the evening's veil,
descended on a moonbeam's trail,
to meet the early morn;
there finding in your waking eyes
a canvass to adorn.
It went on a bit like that but definitely felt too 'whimsical' and transformed itself into part nursery rhyme, part cosmic fable.

I'd like to take the credit for 'Patterning' but it is a real word, the meaning can be similiar to pattern, particularly as in a model, diagram or blueprint. I think it is most commonly used in referring to textiles and dress making. I wasn't sure about personifying 'heavens' but decided against - it probably works either way?

Thanks again.

MaXiM

ps Also thanks for amending the topic title!

[jgdittier]

Dear MaXiM,
You seem fortunate from my perspective in two ways:
You have a talent for the subtleties of verse that "Inconstant Dream" exhibits and you get sterling advice from your readers.
I'm a light verse writer and so haven't much in improvement to say.  The piece is a very pleasant read both due to message and expression.
Cheers,    jgdittier

[Guest_Maxim_*]

Dear MaXiM,
You seem fortunate from my perspective in two ways:
You have a talent for the subtleties of verse that "Inconstant Dream" exhibits and you get sterling advice from your readers.
I'm a light verse writer and so haven't much in improvement to say.  The piece is a very pleasant read both due to message and expression.
Cheers,    jgdittier

Hi jgdittier

Firstly my apologies for my tardy recognition of your visit here. This one had slipped my notice as my visits online have been sporadic of late.

Your kind comments are most welcome and you are very right in respect of the benefits I receive from the excellent advice of others here.

Thanks again.

MaXiM

[JLY]

Maxim,
I just read this in the dawning hours of the day and found it to be a very enjoyable read. There are many phrases/lines that I enjoy but two that stand out are the following:
she slipped beneath the evening veil,
descending on a moonbeam's trail,
You created some great images that easily translate into mental pictures.
JLY

[Guest_Maxim_*]

Maxim,
I just read this in the dawning hours of the day and found it to be a very enjoyable read. There are many phrases/lines that I enjoy but two that stand out are the following:
she slipped beneath the evening veil,
descending on a moonbeam's trail,
You created some great images that easily translate into mental pictures.
JLY

Hi JLY

Thanks for your kind comments. It's good to hear that you enjoyed this.

Regards

MaXiM