THE FLAME, Sonnet for Ralph Options

[Cybele]

FIRST REVISION

THE FLAME


Between first meeting and our last goodbye,
are days in which I’ll tend my most true flame,
that it may neither sear your loving face with its
white heat, nor by neglect or my inconstancy
leave you cold. In love’s name
let my gentle fire live in your embrace.


Love is not love, that uncontrolled, consumes
its source of fuel with jealousy and greed,
nor unattended, chokes with noxious fumes
the loving heart on which it needs must feed.

So like the crucible, which holds the gold
protected from the furnace blast – I will,
with tender warmth, your treasured love enfold
until your need of me it quiet and still.

"All rights reserved by Grace Galton as an unpublished work."

[Guest_Jox_*]

Hi Grace...

Does he like it? He should!

Between first meeting and our last goodbye,
are days in which I’ll tend my most true flame,
that it may neither sear your loving face with its
white heat, nor by neglect or my inconstancy
leave you cold.

I understand this but I wonder if you might have incorporated a reference to it actually not being allowed to dim? Here it almost indicates that a flame might leave him cold. Just a thought; after all, I did understnd it so it may be ok.

In love’s name
let my gentle fire live in your embrace.
Love is not love, that uncontrolled, consumes
its source of fuel with jealousy and greed,
nor unattended, chokes with noxious fumes
the loving heart on which it needs must feed.

Maybe feeding on a heart gives the wrong impression? Maybe something like sustained by a heart or powered?

So like the crucible, which holds the gold
protected from the furnace blast – I will
with tender warmth, your treasured love enfold
until your need of me it quiet and still.

An excellent poem and I know that my suggestions would cause structural problems so it might be better to leave it as it is. However, something to think on't.

I bet Ralph's rite chuffed, lass!

Yours in warmth, too, J.

[Guest__*]

Hello Grace.

There are so many beautiful lines here that it would be a shame to edit any of them without altering the meaning which flows through your poem.
I notice though, that you labelled it a sonnet? A sonnet is a specicfic poetry form, written in iambic pentameter. It has a proposition of 8 lines and a volta of 6. It also has a fixed rhyme scheme, depending on whether it's Petrarchan, Shakespearean or Spencerian. Here's the sort of thing old Will might have written. Purely the proposition.
Something like

Between first meeting and our last goodbye,
are days in which I’ll tend my most true flame,
that it may neither sear your loving eye
with heat, nor leave you cold within love’s name

Nor by neglect or my inconstancy
shall  gentle fires expire in your embrace.
Love is not love, when fervent jealousy
consumes itself in Envy’s carapace

A.

[Cybele]

Greetings O Great One

You are quite right of course Akh.  This is not a true representation of a sonnet (except in line form).

My only defence is that I wrote this many, many years ago in the first throes of love (still burning brightly) for Ralph.

At that time, I knew nothing about verse form and the rules of poetry, I wrote this purely as my heart dictated it. (God, that sounds so cheesy, but I can't help it - and will not defend it). That is how I felt but more importantly that is what I wanted him to know. It still holds true, even now.

I love your version Akh, such a talent to come back with this so quickly. Your is very Will S (my idol)

Love

Grace

[Cybele]

Hello James,

Hi Grace...

Does he like it? He should!

Between first meeting and our last goodbye,
are days in which I’ll tend my most true flame,
that it may neither sear your loving face with its
white heat, nor by neglect or my inconstancy
leave you cold.

I understand this but I wonder if you might have incorporated a reference to it actually not being allowed to dim? Here it almost indicates that a flame might leave him cold. Just a thought; after all, I did understnd it so it may be ok.

It's strange James, but I find this hard to analyze now. What this is meant to convey is that I intend not too be either possessive or neglectful.

In love’s name
let my gentle fire live in your embrace.
Love is not love, that uncontrolled, consumes
its source of fuel with jealousy and greed,
nor unattended, chokes with noxious fumes
the loving heart on which it needs must feed.

Maybe feeding on a heart gives the wrong impression? Maybe something like sustained by a heart or powered?

I think I was trying to say that I would neither suffocate him with love nor ever be indifferent to him either. See for more explanation my reply to Akh James.

So like the crucible, which holds the gold
protected from the furnace blast – I will
with tender warmth, your treasured love enfold
until your need of me it quiet and still.

An excellent poem and I know that my suggestions would cause structural problems so it might be better to leave it as it is. However, something to think on't.

I bet Ralph's rite chuffed, lass



Yours in warmth, too, J.

And yes, he did like the poem James. I have never been tempted to write another since I have said all I wished to say in this one.


Love Grace

[Michelle]

Hi Grace.

This is a beautiful poem, expressing the noblest
and purest aspects that love is.  I thoroughly enjoyed.

My only suggestion is a stanza break:


Between first meeting and our last goodbye,
are days in which I’ll tend my most true flame,
that it may neither sear your loving face with its
white heat, nor by neglect or my inconstancy
leave you cold. In love’s name
let my gentle fire live in your embrace.>>>stanza break here

Love is not love, that uncontrolled, consumes
its source of fuel with jealousy and greed,
nor unattended, chokes with noxious fumes
the loving heart on which it needs must feed.

So like the crucible, which holds the gold
protected from the furnace blast – I will
with tender warmth, your treasured love enfold
until your need of me it quiet and still.



It warms my own heart to know that you've found/given such love
and it has lasted a years.  You are both lucky.  May it always be.

Straight from the heart - beautiful writing!


Michelle

[Cybele]

Hi Grace.

This is a beautiful poem, expressing the noblest
and purest aspects that love is.  I thoroughly enjoyed.

My only suggestion is a stanza break:


Between first meeting and our last goodbye,
are days in which I’ll tend my most true flame,
that it may neither sear your loving face with its
white heat, nor by neglect or my inconstancy
leave you cold. In love’s name
let my gentle fire live in your embrace.>>>stanza break here

Love is not love, that uncontrolled, consumes
its source of fuel with jealousy and greed,
nor unattended, chokes with noxious fumes
the loving heart on which it needs must feed.

So like the crucible, which holds the gold
protected from the furnace blast – I will
with tender warmth, your treasured love enfold
until your need of me it quiet and still.



It warms my own heart to know that you've found/given such love
and it has lasted a years.  You are both lucky.  May it always be.

Straight from the heart - beautiful writing!


Michelle

Hello Michelle,
I am very pleased that you like this.

Since this is not a true sonnet I think your suggestion is very valid and I have revised it thus.

I really didn't know whether to post it or not because it is so very personal,   but then I thought, I might as well know if I had written it properly all those years ago.


Thank you for reading it. I have a new reward for anyone reading my pieces. Here it is. HAVE A FISH   Now look after him mind!


Love

Grace  :farmer:

[Guest_Pygmalion_*]

hi grace,

such a beautiful poem exuding such love and warmth.  i'm so glad to know that there is such a thing as true love lasting.

i only have a couple of punctuation questions with the last stanza:

So like the crucible, which holds the gold
protected from the furnace blast – I will maybe a comma here
with tender warmth, your treasured love enfold
until your need of me it quieti think it needs to be plural here, so add an "s" here and stilland an "s" here.

lovely poem, grace!

deb

[Cybele]

Good Morning Debs,

hi grace,

such a beautiful poem exuding such love and warmth.  i'm so glad to know that there is such a thing as true love lasting.

i only have a couple of punctuation questions with the last stanza:

Quote  
So like the crucible, which holds the gold
protected from the furnace blast – I will maybe a comma here
with tender warmth, your treasured love enfold
until your need of me it quieti think it needs to be plural here, so add an "s" here and stilland an "s" here.

Yes. your right about the comma Debs, there is definitely a small break there.

until you need of me is quiet and still.

The meaning of this phrase Debs, is until he no longer cares - or dies.
each being singular.




lovely poem, grace!

deb  

Thank you so much for taking time to drop in, I'm glad you like it. I really do appreciate your interest. To prove it Debs.....

Here have a fish He's a little blue so make sure the water is warm enough for him!  

Love

Grace