APRIL WIND Options

[Cybele]

Creaking inn signs, anchored on rusty chains,
whispering leaves in night-deserted lanes,
Soughing and sighing the wind keeps constant
vigil over her domains.

While raucous birds object at break of day
the trees are dancing wildly to her sway.
Whistling and whining the wind keeps constant
vigil over her domains.

At noon the sea is writhing and foam flecked,
the waves grow higher now with spume bedecked.
Roaring and raging the wind keeps constant
vigil over her domains.

At eventide small boats rush helter-skelter
into the safety of the harbour’s shelter.
Groaning and moaning the wind keeps constant
vigil over her domains.

When all forsake the day and trundle homewards,
When all is quiet and gathered safely inwards,
flurrying and hurrying the wind keeps constant
vigil over her domains.

“All rights reserved by Grace Galton as an unpublished work"



FIRST REVISION With thanks to Alan

Creaking inn signs, anchored on rusty chains,
whispering leaves in night-deserted lanes,
Soughing and sighing, the wind keeps constant
vigil over her domain.

The trees are dancing wildly to her sway,
while raucous birds object at break of day.
Whistling and whining, the wind keeps constant
vigil over her domain.

At noon the sea is writhing and foam flecked,
the waves grow higher, now with spume bedecked.
Roaring and raging, the wind keeps constant
vigil over her domain.

At eventide small boats rush helter-skelter
into the safety of the harbour’s shelter.
Groaning and moaning, the wind keeps constant
vigil over her domain.

When all forsake the day and trundle homewards,
When all is quiet and gathered safely inwards,
flurrying and hurrying, the wind keeps constant
vigil over her domain.

[Guest__*]

Eeee !! This is lovely, Gracie Galton.

It's all Admiral Benbow without Long John Silver.
No need to mention the little fishing hamlets or those
rascally smugglers. The poem draws them into the imagination.
The last lines definitely had me mending the nets.

No black spots here for thee m'dear.

Hugz

Tom


.

[AMETHYST]

Hi Grace...

This is beautiful. I quite enjoyed the tone and movement. Only one slight tweak, perhaps.. In L1: would it be "Creeking" ? ...

Hugs, Liz

[Cybele]

Good Morning Liz,

I have only just realised that you are Poet Princess from PK.  I was always in awe of your very thorough crits over there. You were so caring in offering so much advice.

It is nice to know you enjoyed this Liz.

The word "creaking" may have different connotations over there. Here it simply means squeaking as in unoiled.

Thanks for stopping by and reading.

Love

Grace

[Guest__*]

Dear Grace,

Of COURSE I can !

Creaking inn signs, anchored on rusty chains;* -- hanging from their ... I know it loses the seaside connection, but "anchored" stress is all wrong
whispering leaves in night-deserted lanes, -- deserted too long - night-time ?
Soughing and sighing,* the wind keeps a* constant -- comma I think ! a ?
vigil over her domain. -- surely domain singular covers it ? Are there any others .....

While raucous birds object at break of day -- reverse these 2 lines ? While follows .....
the trees are dancing wildly to her sway.
Whistling and whining,* April* wind keeps a* constant
vigil over her domains.

At noon the seas* are* writhing, all foam flecked,
as* waves grow higher now with spume bedecked. -- comma before, or after, "now"
Roaring and raging,* the wind keeps constant
vigil over her domain.

Come* eventide,* small boats rush helter-skelter
to* the safety of their* harbours'* shelter.
Groaning and moaning,* the wind keeps constant
vigil over her domain.

When we* forsake the day and trundle homewards, -- double "all"
T*hen all is quiet, gathered safely inwards,
in a flurry and a hurry April wind keeps constant
vigil over her domain.

Without edit marks :


Creaking inn signs, hanging from their rusty chains;
whispering leaves in night-time lanes,
Soughing and sighing, April wind keeps a constant
vigil over her domain.

The trees are dancing wildly to her sway,
While raucous birds object at break of day.
Whistling and whining, the wind keeps a constant
vigil over her domain.

At noon the seas are writhing, all foam flecked,
as waves grow higher, now with spume bedecked.
Roaring and raging, the wind keeps a constant
vigil over her domain.

Come eventide, small boats rush helter-skelter
to the safety of their harbours' shelter.
Groaning and moaning, the wind keeps a constant
vigil over her domain.

When we forsake the day and trundle homewards,
And all is quiet, gathered safely inwards,
in a flurry and a hurry April wind keeps a constant
vigil over her domain.

Grace, is there a particular reason for the line break which gives the short end line ? I'm inclined to put a comma after vigil, but not if it remains the first word in the line ! Feels a bit odd ..... Does this look too bad to you ? :

Creaking inn signs, hanging from their rusty chains,
whispering leaves in night-time lanes,
Soughing and sighing, the wind
keeps a constant vigil,* over her domain.

Hope some of this helps - if now, scatter to the winds .....

Love
Alan

[AMETHYST]

Hello Grace,

Yes, I guess I am guilty of being one and the same...  :rofl: Thank you for the kind comments, sometimes I can be too suggestive with my thoughts...  :detective:

I am extremely embarassed, but creaking, as you've used it is right, for some strange reason it looked as thought it had been spelled wrong (Shhhh, a sure sign of old age setting in...)

I have read this again for the pure enjoyment and as always look forward to reading more of you work.

Hugs, Liz

[Guest__*]

Dear Liz

"creaking, as you've used it is right, for some strange reason it looked as thought it had been spelled wrong (Shhhh, a sure sign of old age setting in...) "

creaking, as in squeaking

creeking, as in bladder control, another sure sign LOL

Love
Alan

[AMETHYST]

Giggle...

 Ah, let's keep this one to ourselves! *Blushing...

Hugs, Liz
(and smiling...with that old age whimsey...)

[Cybele]

Good Morning Sir Knight,

I am always astounded by your attention to detail Alan. I do so appreciate your input - even when I have to disagree with some of it!!:lol:

 
Your suggestions:

Without edit marks :


Creaking inn signs, hanging from their rusty chains;
whispering leaves in night-time lanes,
Soughing and sighing, April wind keeps a constant
vigil over her domain.

Anchored was used, not for a seaside connotation (this scene was deep in the  heart of the countryside), but as 'fixed or secured'
This then sets the scene in the countryside - the rest moves to the sea hence 'her domains'. But on reflection, perhaps domain would serve better. Maybe this explanation clarifies things a little?
I think I will keep the original version but drop the s.

The trees are dancing wildly to her sway,
While raucous birds object at break of day.
Whistling and whining, the wind keeps a constant
vigil over her domain.

L1 and L2 swap Good idea, I like that!

The rest stet.

At noon the seas are writhing, all foam flecked,
as waves grow higher, now with spume bedecked.
Roaring and raging, the wind keeps a constant
vigil over her domain.

Prefer original Alan.

Come eventide, small boats rush helter-skelter
to the safety of their harbours' shelter.
Groaning and moaning, the wind keeps a constant
vigil over her domain.

Come sounds awkward and a little contrived used in this context.
Prefer the original

When we forsake the day and trundle homewards,
And all is quiet, gathered safely inwards,
in a flurry and a hurry April wind keeps a constant
vigil over her domain.

Double 'all' is deliberate to show a completion of the days work.
Flurrying and hurrying convey the unceasing motion of the wind - as in each verse.

Grace, is there a particular reason for the line break which gives the short end line ? I'm inclined to put a comma after vigil, but not if it remains the first word in the line ! Feels a bit odd ..... Does this look too bad to you ? :

The short last line is deliberate to indicate a slight pause for a change of pace in the next stanza.

Creaking inn signs, hanging from their rusty chains,
whispering leaves in night-time lanes,
Soughing and sighing, the wind
keeps a constant vigil,* over her domain.

The above suggestion loses all its rhythm Alan, all the movement of the wind.

Hope some of this helps - if now, scatter to the winds .....

Love
Alan  

Off to revise now Alan.  I really do appreciate all your interest and help.

Love

Grace  

[Aphrodite]

Creaking inn signs, anchored on rusty chains,
whispering leaves in night-deserted lanes,
Soughing and sighing the wind keeps constant
vigil over her domains.

While raucous birds object at break of day
the trees are dancing wildly to her sway.
Whistling and whining the wind keeps constant
vigil over her domains.

At noon the sea is writhing and foam flecked,
the waves grow higher now with spume bedecked.
Roaring and raging the wind keeps constant
vigil over her domains.

At eventide small boats rush helter-skelter
into the safety of the harbour’s shelter.
Groaning and moaning the wind keeps constant
vigil over her domains.

When all forsake the day and trundle homewards,
When all is quiet and gathered safely inwards,
flurrying and hurrying the wind keeps constant
vigil over her domains.

“All rights reserved by Grace Galton as an unpublished work"



FIRST REVISION With thanks to Alan

Creaking inn signs, anchored on rusty chains,
whispering leaves in night-deserted lanes,
Soughing and sighing the wind keeps constant
vigil over her domain.

The trees are dancing wildly to her sway,
while raucous birds object at break of day.
Whistling and whining the wind keeps constant
vigil over her domain.

At noon the sea is writhing and foam flecked,
the waves grow higher, now with spume bedecked.
Roaring and raging the wind keeps constant
vigil over her domain.

At eventide small boats rush helter-skelter
into the safety of the harbour’s shelter.
Groaning and moaning the wind keeps constant
vigil over her domain.

When all forsake the day and trundle homewards,
When all is quiet and gathered safely inwards,
flurrying and hurrying the wind keeps constant
vigil over her domain.

Hello Grace~

I enjoyed your dramatic poem and the stunning imagery within.
Captivating me with your every word, Grace, I love the ethereal feel to your piece.

At noon the sea is writhing and foam flecked,
the waves grow higher now with spume bedecked.
Roaring and raging the wind keeps constant
vigil over her domains. ******sweet!!

Also, the repeating lines work very well.  

Blessings~
Lindi

[Arnfinn]

Hi Grace.

Your poem follows...a pattern or form?


The busy wind has a full day on the English coastline.
The creaky old Inn. Windy night blown leaves

Blowin hither and slither...throught the following stanzas.
With your intricate syle shining throughout.


Somerset......does that have a coastline?

GORGEOUS.

aRNIE

[Cybele]

G'day Arnie,

How's she goin' mate?

Thanks for popping in to have a squizz.

Does Somerset have a coastline? Indeedle doodle she does, two in fact!  Northern and Western coastlines - both facing the Land of my Fathers (not my father's, James' and Tom's fathers. )  Which is another bone I have to pick with them. Every time I go to Weston Super Mare, Wales has pinched all the sea !

Have a great day in the sunshine now won't you Arn!!


Love

Grace

[Arnfinn]

Hey Grace!


Fair dinkim....Does the Bristol Channel get the rollers...I mean the surboard type..Checked out the Super joint....Just across the road from...The rear axle with the big C.

Thanks for fillin me in...There's a lot yuz gathered around there...Ya know enormous Tom n' big Jox etc.

See ya around gotta  go


Arnie

[Cybele]

Hello Arnie,

Gee, Thanks for the eeeeee's . I have enough left over for an eeeesy chair.

No,there is no surf as such, but the Servern does have a tidal bore.

The wall of a large bore can be up to 2 metres in height and travel at some 14 knots.

The furthest official distance surfed on the tidal bore in the main river is 5.7 miles by Dave Lawson.

So, not ya Surfer's Paradise, Arn but growing in popularity and attracting surfers worldwide.


Catchya later.

Love

Grace

[Cybele]

Good Day to you Lindi

I hope you have fully recovered now?

Thank you for reading and commenting.  I wasn't sure about the repetitions here,  They don't always work, but it seems to be all right. I did a slight revision, suggested by Alan, which I think helps the piece.

I really appreciate you looking in.

Love

Grace          

[Guest_Jox_*]

Well Grace,

It doesn't take many days, these days, to be late to an MM feast but it seems I am late. I have nothing useful to add to the comments hitherto.

Save to say, this is an excellent saga. Made me think of Jamacie' Inn.

I'd better go afore the wind whistles Moor up me' Bodmin.

Take care and, as (almost) always another excellent offering. Thank you, Grace.

james.

[Guest__*]

Hello Grace,
as always, you have created such an atmospheric picture for us with words, I loved this one.
The repetition of lines worked really well although I do agree with the previous suggestion of breaking the third line of each stanza with a comma.
A pleasure to read all the same.
Donna

[Cybele]

Hello Donna,

Thank you so much for looking in. You have reminded me of a point made by Alan that I had overlooked. Thank you for reminding me and thank you Alan for suggesting the comma in the third line of each stanza.  It certainly makes sense.

I'm glad you enjoyed this and I am looking forward to reading more of your lovely work.

Love

Grace