Yet Unwritten ~ Revised 6/17/07, Rhyme and iambic meter Options

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Thanks Liz, Sue, Eric, Lori and Don!



Yet Unwritten ~ Revision 3

A cache conceals the poignant words,
ambivalence is combat-sore;
when caught within twilit regimes
so sadly out-of-step that dreams
still bleed accusatory threat.

A battery of loyal thoughts
and motley web of frenzied fears
combine upon our battlefields
to armament (their lives a shield)
reprisal games of grave roulette.

Though loved ones march the searing sands,
avidity cannot be scorched.
Red, white and blue bestows them pride
which they would never think to hide;
but they don't see the silhouette

of darkness leeching helpless souls,
the dye of hope from blood once spilled.
Will sons and daughters soon return
to cherish freedoms they have earned?

Their shadowed myths aren't written yet.

Cathy Bollhoefer
copyright May 30, 07




Yet Unwritten ~ Revision 2

A cache conceals the poignant words,
ambivalence is combat-frayed;
when caught within twilit regimes
so sadly out-of-step that dreams
still bleed accusatory threat.

A battery of inane thoughts
and motley web of insane fears
combine upon the battlefield
in armament (their lives to shield)
creating games of grave roulette.

Though loved ones march o'er searing sands,
avidity cannot be scorched.
Red, white and blue bestowing pride
which they would never think to hide;
but they don't see the silhouette

of darkness stealing 'round the grounds
stained black from those whose blood first spilled.
Will sons and daughters ever speak
of freedom's right... that which they seek.

Those shadowed myths aren't written yet.

Cathy Bollhoefer
copyright May 30, 07




Yet Unwritten ~ Revision 1

A cache conceals the poignant words,
ambivalence is combat-frayed;
when caught within twilit regimes
so sadly out-of-step that dreams
still bleed accusatory threat.

A battery of inane thoughts
and motley web of insane fears
combine upon the battlefield
in armament, their lives to shield,
creating games of grave roulette.

Though loved ones march o'er searing sand,
avidity cannot be scorched.
Red, white and blue bestowing pride
which they would never think to hide;
but they don't see the silhouette

of darkness stealing 'round the grounds
stained black from those whose blood first spilled.
Will sons return to loving arms,
with dignity and faith unharmed?

Their shadowed myths... unwritten yet.

Cathy Bollhoefer
copyright May 30, 07




Yet Unwritten ~ Original

A cache conceals the poignant words,
ambivalence is combat-frayed;
when caught within twilit regimes
so sadly out-of-step that dreams
still bleed accusatory threat.

A battery of inane thoughts
and motley web of insane fears
combine upon the battlefield
in armament, their lives to shield,
while playing games of grave roulette.

More loved ones will be marching soon,
enthusiasm soaring high.
Red, white and blue bestowing pride
that they would never think to hide;
but they don't see the silhouette

of darkness stealing 'round the grounds
stained crimson from the blood that's spilled.
Will they return to earthly home
or will lost spirits heaven roam?

Their story hasn't ended yet...

Cathy Bollhoefer
copyright May 30, 07

[AMETHYST]

Hi Cathy ...

Before I get into the juice, nuts and bolts on this poem...Have you heard from your son? ... and have you yet gotten the address to send him things? ... I was thinking about him, and you during our APCO/NENA Conference. I learned a lot of things I wasn't aware of and when you speak to your son, tell him for me that "He is in my prayers along with other young men I know that are fighting to protect us, and that, there is much more that these young men are doing for us that we hopefully will never really come to learn... For our children, we are grateful for their bravery!

Now, off to this wonderful and most powerful poem.

The title is exquisite. I found myself thinking or believing that 'Yet unwritten' isn't just a declaration of the outcome of this time in his/their lives, but more so the expectation of letters not yet written or more so, not yet received. I could be wrong, but this is how, as I read it made me feel. I liked that duality as well.

You've utilized some very crucuial words that really define such details as with the use of 'ambivalence' really stands out here, in both meaning and the message underlying the poems intent. That love/hate ... good/bad ... feeling two opposite feelings about the same situation. Such as bravery/fear.

I hope if I cannot offer anything to improve this already powerful poem, at least I can show all the strong techniques and devices that are working through out.

Big Hugs, Liz

Yet Unwritten

A cache conceals the poignant words,
ambivalence is combat-frayed;
when caught within twilit regimes
so sadly out-of-step that dreams
still bleed accusatory threat.


Great starting image in L1, the use of cache/poignant words' had given my the initial idea that these are more not yet received rather than not yet written. Perhaps thoughts, fears and experiences jotted down and not yet put into a legiable format, hidden away. L3/L4 wonderfully fresh end rhyme. Smooth that it just swims off the tongue. Not a nit here...

A battery of inane thoughts
and motley web of insane fears
combine upon the battlefield
in armament, their lives to shield,
while playing games of grave roulette.

Again good word choices that cling to the theme and metaphors. L1, the word battery is one of many of those word choices. I loved the inner rhyme of inane/insane.
no nits here ...

More loved ones will be marching soon,
enthusiasm soaring high.
Red, white and blue bestowing pride
that they would never think to hide;
but they don't see the silhouette

L4, perhaps which they would never think to hide;

of darkness stealing 'round the grounds
stained crimson from the blood that's spilled.
Will they return to earthly home
or will lost spirits heaven roam?

Their story hasn't ended yet...

Excellent ending stanza. The final line felt a little weak. I have a dozen of suggestions going through my mind but none that hold to the intent you offer and none that hold to the meter and line length. So I will be thinking on just what makes it feel weak to me. I think because it feels rhyme driven. It might just be me and my tired eyes! LOL

Big hugs, Liz

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Hi Cathy ...

Before I get into the juice, nuts and bolts on this poem...Have you heard from your son? ... and have you yet gotten the address to send him things? ... I was thinking about him, and you during our APCO/NENA Conference. I learned a lot of things I wasn't aware of and when you speak to your son, tell him for me that "He is in my prayers along with other young men I know that are fighting to protect us, and that, there is much more that these young men are doing for us that we hopefully will never really come to learn... For our children, we are grateful for their bravery!

Yes, I just got back from Missouri where we watched him graduate from boot camp. He started AIT this past Tuesday and will graduate from there July 13th. After that no one seems to know... my understanding is that he's on the list for January ship out. I will be sure to give him your message though and I thank you from the bottom of my heart!

Now, off to this wonderful and most powerful poem.

The title is exquisite. I found myself thinking or believing that 'Yet unwritten' isn't just a declaration of the outcome of this time in his/their lives, but more so the expectation of letters not yet written or more so, not yet received. I could be wrong, but this is how, as I read it made me feel. I liked that duality as well.

Thanks Liz! Isn't it odd how we can all perceive things differently? I can see the duality that you are talking about although it was unintentional. Your first thought was spot on though! And actually, this was written backwards. I was trying to write something... anything, but I kept going blank and then those words popped into my head. The poem itself came afterwards, rather quickly too. *smiles* Of course I've done some changing from what I wrote down originally. I couldn't seem to type fast enough to keep up with the thoughts that were begging to be let loose. And it was based partly on truth. I have dreams about him being in battle and words keep rolling around in my head. Certain words will stand out starkly but most are just shadows and won't come together in any kind of sense. I kept thinking it could be the poem 'yet unwritten' because we don't yet know the outcome. I originally had 'One Yet Unwritten'. Maybe I should go back to that to show that it's just one I'm referring to? I was so afraid that the poem would sound so obscure that no one would understand it but I guess I was wrong.

You've utilized some very crucuial words that really define such details as with the use of 'ambivalence' really stands out here, in both meaning and the message underlying the poems intent. That love/hate ... good/bad ... feeling two opposite feelings about the same situation. Such as bravery/fear.

Thanks again! *smiles* There is some duality with the 'ambivalence' as well. Not only do our soldiers feel this while going into 'combat' but I feel that they combat their own feelings about the whys and wherefores. Not to mention that I 'combat' my own feelings as well (as I'm sure everyone involved does).

I hope if I cannot offer anything to improve this already powerful poem, at least I can show all the strong techniques and devices that are working through out.

Big Hugs, Liz

Thank you Liz!

Yet Unwritten

A cache conceals the poignant words,
ambivalence is combat-frayed;
when caught within twilit regimes
so sadly out-of-step that dreams
still bleed accusatory threat.


Great starting image in L1, the use of cache/poignant words' had given my the initial idea that these are more not yet received rather than not yet written. Perhaps thoughts, fears and experiences jotted down and not yet put into a legiable format, hidden away. L3/L4 wonderfully fresh end rhyme. Smooth that it just swims off the tongue. Not a nit here...

Well they could be but they are actually the words that stand out in my dreams that I've written down and put away. It's the one poem that can't be written yet because I don't know what's going to happen. Will he be ok and able to come home or will he...?

A battery of inane thoughts
and motley web of insane fears
combine upon the battlefield
in armament, their lives to shield,
while playing games of grave roulette.

Again good word choices that cling to the theme and metaphors. L1, the word battery is one of many of those word choices. I loved the inner rhyme of inane/insane.
no nits here ...

I chose to use 'battery' cause it also meant a collection of something like 'cache' and it's also a military term.

More loved ones will be marching soon,
enthusiasm soaring high.
Red, white and blue bestowing pride
that they would never think to hide;
but they don't see the silhouette

L4, perhaps which they would never think to hide;

Hmmm.. I think that does sound better. Thanks!

of darkness stealing 'round the grounds
stained crimson from the blood that's spilled.
Will they return to earthly home
or will lost spirits heaven roam?

Their story hasn't ended yet...

Excellent ending stanza. The final line felt a little weak. I have a dozen of suggestions going through my mind but none that hold to the intent you offer and none that hold to the meter and line length. So I will be thinking on just what makes it feel weak to me. I think because it feels rhyme driven. It might just be me and my tired eyes! LOL

I wondered about that last line. What about 'the shadows haven't touched them yet' or the shadows haven't chosen yet' ... referring back to the silhouette roaming the grounds?

I thank you so much for your in-depth comments and critique Liz! It's most appreciated and very helpful!

Cathy

Big hugs, Liz

[AMETHYST]

Their story hasn't ended yet...

Excellent ending stanza. The final line felt a little weak. I have a dozen of suggestions going through my mind but none that hold to the intent you offer and none that hold to the meter and line length. So I will be thinking on just what makes it feel weak to me. I think because it feels rhyme driven. It might just be me and my tired eyes! LOL

I wondered about that last line. What about 'the shadows haven't touched them yet' or the shadows haven't chosen yet' ... referring back to the silhouette roaming the grounds?

I thank you so much for your in-depth comments and critique Liz! It's most appreciated and very helpful!

I like the use of shadows ... 'the shadows haven't touched them yet ...

those shadowed dreams ... unwritten yet-

...

Just the right line will come to mind... :)

Hugs, Liz

PS Please keep us posted!

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Hi Liz,

I like the use of shadows ... 'the shadows haven't touched them yet ...

those shadowed dreams ... unwritten yet-

...

Just the right line will come to mind... :)

I like your suggestion... I wonder what I can do with it? *smiles*

Hugs, Liz

PS Please keep us posted!

I will Liz... and thank you!

Cathy

[heartsong7]

Oh Cathy, this is a remarkable piece... and all the more moving to think you have someone over there.
A powerful whole but this esp touched me:

but they don't see the silhouette
of darkness stealing 'round the grounds
stained crimson from the blood that's spilled.

I'm not fond of the inverted "heaven roam"

Will they return to earthly home
or will lost spirits heaven roam?

consider: "or will their spirits ever roam"

Well done.
Sue

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Oh Cathy, this is a remarkable piece... and all the more moving to think you have someone over there.

He's not over there yet, thank goodness! He just graduated boot camp last Friday but he's on the list to be shipped out in January, which means 3 - 6 months of combat training in Mississippi. I'll barely get to see him!

A powerful whole but this esp touched me:

but they don't see the silhouette
of darkness stealing 'round the grounds
stained crimson from the blood that's spilled.

Thank you!

I'm not fond of the inverted "heaven roam"

Will they return to earthly home
or will lost spirits heaven roam?

consider: "or will their spirits ever roam"

LOL Would you believe that's what I had to begin with? I'm working on it now so I'll keep your thoughts in mind. Thanks Sue!

Cathy

Well done.
Sue

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Hey Liz,

I like the use of shadows ... 'the shadows haven't touched them yet ...

those shadowed dreams ... unwritten yet-

...

Just the right line will come to mind... :)

Hugs, Liz

Back to that last line... what about:

'Those shadowed words... unwritten yet'

OR

'Umbrageous words... unwritten yet'

Umbrageous - angered at something unjust or wrong

Oh that one might not work because if the outcome is good I wouldn't be writing with anger over something unjust. Hmmm... back to the drawing board!

Maybe: 'Their shadowed myth... unwritten yet'

myth - a traditional story accepted as history; serves to explain the world view of a people.

Cathy

[Merlin]

My mind goes back to the protest era back in the sixties. Dylan, Peter-Paul-&-Mary, among others.
"When will they ever learn" - and I don't mean the foot soldiers.

A good write (I'm wouldn't invert roam).

Merlin

[Guest_Cathy_*]

My mind goes back to the protest era back in the sixties. Dylan, Peter-Paul-&-Mary, among others.
"When will they ever learn" - and I don't mean the foot soldiers.

Hmmm... I remember those days! Although, this is in no way meant as a protest. Without getting into the politics of things, this is for my son and the other soldiers who are just following orders. And from your comments above I think we're on the same page. *smiles*

A good write (I'm wouldn't invert roam).

You aren't the only one who commented on that. Actually I'm not sure I liked it either but I couldn't come up with anything else at the time. LOL I've posted a revision and the inversion is gone. Please have a look!

I thank you for your time and thoughts~
Cathy

Merlin

[AMETHYST]

Hi Cathy ...

In the final stanza, L4, I would suggest switching dignity and faith..

with faith and dignity unharmed

However, the end rhyme arms/unharmed doesn't come off as I liked in the first draft.

Perhaps ...

Will sons and daughters ever know
the freedoms they had gone to sow...

for shadowed myths ... unwritten yet.
or
Their shadowed myth, we'll not forget.

or ...

Will sons return to loving arms
with body,soul and pride unharmed?

Will sons and daughters ever write
of freedoms right-for which they fight ...

shadowed myths aren't written yet -



I am going to be back to this ... so many different things go through my mind and I think some are going still in the opposite direction of your original intent...

Hugs, Liz

of darkness stealing 'round the grounds
stained black from those whose blood first spilled.
Will sons return to loving arms,
with dignity and faith unharmed?

Their shadowed myths... unwritten yet.

Cathy Bollhoefer
copyright May 30, 07

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Hi Cathy ...

In the final stanza, L4, I would suggest switching dignity and faith..

with faith and dignity unharmed

However, the end rhyme arms/unharmed doesn't come off as I liked in the first draft.

I know! I'm struggling with the ending.

Perhaps ...

Will sons and daughters ever know
the freedoms they had gone to sow...

for shadowed myths ... unwritten yet.
or
Their shadowed myth, we'll not forget.

or ...

Will sons return to loving arms
with body,soul and pride unharmed?

Will sons and daughters ever write
of freedoms right-for which they fight ...

shadowed myths aren't written yet -

I like your suggestions and some might even work with my original intent. I'm going to think on this for a while. *smiles*



I am going to be back to this ... so many different things go through my mind and I think some are going still in the opposite direction of your original intent...

I know what you mean! Some of my thoughts are going in the wrong direction too. This started out as the poem that couldn't be written yet because I don't know the outcome. Will he come home safe or... well, you know. I may have to rethink my intent!

Hugs, Liz

of darkness stealing 'round the grounds
stained black from those whose blood first spilled.
Will sons return to loving arms,
with dignity and faith unharmed?

Their shadowed myths... unwritten yet.

Cathy Bollhoefer
copyright May 30, 07

Thanks for coming back Liz! Your help is appreciated.

Hugs,
Cathy

[Michelle]

Hi Cathy. This is a powerful and an emotive poem. I'll be back tonight with more, but I just wanted you to know that I think is very powerful.

my best,


Michelle

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Thank you Michelle!

I look forward to your thoughts~

Cathy

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Revision posted... again! LOL Thanks all~

Cathy

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Cathy.

A very potent message and image within your words. I'll be back to re-read this one again for sure. I'm glad it's been nominated for the IBPC - great choice! I've jotted down some thoughts below for you to ponder as you wish.

Enjoyed!
~Cleo

[+] {-}

A cache conceals the poignant words,
ambivalence is combat-frayed;
when caught within twilit regimes
so sadly out-of-step that dreams
still bleed accusatory threat.
Great opening Cathy!

A battery of inane thoughts
and motley web of insane fears
combine upon the battlefield
in armament (their lives {to} [a] shield)
creating games of grave roulette.
Here, I think insane is too close to inane and so suggest a few alternates: frenzied, half-cocked, unhinged, senseless.

Though loved ones march {o'er} [on] searing sands,
avidity cannot be scorched.
Red, white and blue bestow{ing} [their] pride
which they would never think to hide;
but they don't see the silhouette

of darkness stealing {'round the} [hapless] grounds
stained black from those whose blood first spilled.
Will sons and daughters ever speak
{of} [to] freedom's right... {that} [of] which they seek{.} [?]

Those shadowed myths aren't written yet.

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Hi Cathy.

A very potent message and image within your words. I'll be back to re-read this one again for sure. I'm glad it's been nominated for the IBPC - great choice! I've jotted down some thoughts below for you to ponder as you wish.

Thank you Lori!

Enjoyed!
~Cleo

[+] {-}

A cache conceals the poignant words,
ambivalence is combat-frayed;
when caught within twilit regimes
so sadly out-of-step that dreams
still bleed accusatory threat.
Great opening Cathy!

Thanks! LOL I don't know how many times I changed that before being content with it as now written!

A battery of inane thoughts
and motley web of insane fears
combine upon the battlefield
in armament (their lives {to} [a] shield)
creating games of grave roulette.
Here, I think insane is too close to inane and so suggest a few alternates: frenzied, half-cocked, unhinged, senseless.

'Frenzied' would add alliteration to line 2. I may just use that! You've made an interesting suggestion for line 4. The way it's written the armament is meant to protect their lives... your suggestion gives the impression that their lives are shielding ours (which of course they are) but I hadn't thought of it that way. Now I wonder why? I'm leaning toward using that too! Thank you!

Though loved ones march {o'er} [on] searing sands,
avidity cannot be scorched.
Red, white and blue bestow{ing} [their] pride
which they would never think to hide;
but they don't see the silhouette

Line 1 -- I guess I liked the little touch of 'old world' in using 'o'er', even though I don't use it anywhere else. I will think about that one. As to line 3, now that you've pointed it out, shouldn't that be 'them' since bestow means to gift someone with something?

of darkness stealing {'round the} [hapless] grounds
stained black from those whose blood first spilled.
Will sons and daughters ever speak
{of} [to] freedom's right... {that} [of] which they seek{.} [?]

To me, changing line 1 to hapless makes it sound like the darkness it stealing the ground. Maybe if I changed it to 'roaming hapless grounds'... and yet would 'ground' be deserving of pity? Or would the ground be able to incite pity? Hmmm.. something to think about, see what I can do with that. LOL

Thanks ever so much Lori~ I know how busy you are and I really appreciate the help!

Cathy

Those shadowed myths aren't written yet.

[Guest_Don_*]

Dear Cathy,

Addressing revision #3.

I fear the song is without end.

Your absolutely creative line is:
creating games of grave roulette.

One might change "creating" to "repeating" for alliteration.

Don

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Dear Cathy,

Addressing revision #3.

I fear the song is without end.

Sadly... yes!

Your absolutely creative line is:
creating games of grave roulette.

Thank you!

One might change "creating" to "repeating" for alliteration.

Hmmm... hadn't thought of that! Must give it some thought... As you said, it is without end!

Thanks Don! I'm going to seriously think about that one~ What about
'reprisal games of grave roulette'?
Cathy

Don

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Dear Cathy,

Addressing revision #3.

I fear the song is without end.

Sadly... yes!

Your absolutely creative line is:
creating games of grave roulette.

Thank you!

One might change "creating" to "repeating" for alliteration.

Hmmm... hadn't thought of that! Must give it some thought... As you said, it is without end!

Thanks Don! I'm going to seriously think about that one~ What about
'reprisal games of grave roulette'?

Or

'munitions for (their lives a shield)
reprisal games of grave roulette'

Or should I go back to (their lives to shield)?
Cathy

Don