 Here We Go Again |
Mosaic Musings...interactive poetry reviews > Archives > Archives > ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011  |
  Feb 8 07, 03:23
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#1
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 Creative Chieftain  Posts: 2,587 Joined: 9-August 03 From: Australia Member No.: 17 Real Name: John Writer of: Poetry  |
Here We Go Again
A discordant ring, I wait with silence, silence that spells— ‘you.’ Then on cue, a soft…’hello.’ Vibrant notes cramp my dry throat then cascade peacefully to my bruised heart— Here we go again… love is painful— a strenuous duet— sublime in rejection. Are we in love? Love a play— you in the outfield— sometimes a catch— sometimes a fumble. Reflections The warmth of a hand; those few strands of stray hair let loose on your brow… your gentle kiss… our lips pressed together… the hunger and the aches. I can’t let you go— I love you— ‘Hello…’ This poem is copyright and the property of John Macleod © 17th January 2007 [/size][/font] ·······  ·······Arnfinn
Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here! MM Award Winner         |
  
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| Guest_Cathy_* |
Feb 8 07, 09:16
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#2
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Hi John,
Just wanted to let you know I'd been here. I want to get a closer look before offering any thoughts so I'll be back! Cathy |
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Feb 8 07, 17:33
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#3
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 Mosaic Master  Posts: 4,599 Joined: 4-August 03 From: Birmingham, England Member No.: 12 Real Name: Eira Needham Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Lori |
Hi John
This is beautiful -- I love the way you slowly build the story up. On first glance I find this well written and nothing I would really change except the dashes. I find them a bit distracting when I read this. Perhaps you could keep what is really necessary and change the others to alternative punctuation to give the pauses. I'll print this off and have a closer look -- but I really love this one! Snow 
······· ·······Live one day at a time -it's simpler that way.
Laugh loud & often - it's medicinal. Write from the heart - it's therapeutic. Beauty comes from within - the outer is just skin! Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here! MM Award Winner      |
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| Guest_Don_* |
Feb 8 07, 17:51
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#4
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Hey John,
A quick scan impression is that this is dynamic. Probably return, pending number of Canadian clippers sailing through our neighborhood. Brrrr. Don |
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Feb 9 07, 05:07
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#5
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Creative Chieftain Posts: 2,587 Joined: 9-August 03 From: Australia Member No.: 17 Real Name: John Writer of: Poetry |
QUOTE (Cathy @ Feb 8 07, 14:16 ) [snapback]91145[/snapback] Hi John, Just wanted to let you know I'd been here. I want to get a closer look before offering any thoughts so I'll be back! Cathy Good on ya Cath.  John.  
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Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here! MM Award Winner |
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Feb 9 07, 05:11
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#6
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Creative Chieftain Posts: 2,587 Joined: 9-August 03 From: Australia Member No.: 17 Real Name: John Writer of: Poetry |
QUOTE (Eisa @ Feb 8 07, 22:33 ) [snapback]91152[/snapback] Hi John This is beautiful -- I love the way you slowly build the story up. On first glance I find this well written and nothing I would really change except the dashes. I find them a bit distracting when I read this. Perhaps you could keep what is really necessary and change the others to alternative punctuation to give the pauses. I'll print this off and have a closer look -- but I really love this one! Snow Whoo Snow, Hmmm... meee poems being avoided?   Spose, I'll doo a revision.  .John. 
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Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here! MM Award Winner |
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Feb 9 07, 05:17
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#7
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Creative Chieftain Posts: 2,587 Joined: 9-August 03 From: Australia Member No.: 17 Real Name: John Writer of: Poetry |
QUOTE (Don @ Feb 8 07, 22:51 ) [snapback]91154[/snapback] Hey John, A quick scan impression is that this is dynamic. Probably return, pending number of Canadian clippers sailing through our neighborhood. Brrrr. Don G'day Don, What! Ya going off into museland too! Whoooee. Hmm... The password is. 77+771414 YeeeeeeeHA. jOHN. 
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Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here! MM Award Winner |
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| Guest_Don_* |
Feb 9 07, 08:11
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#8
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Going off to snooze land to stay warm is more the mode than museland.
Ah is ignorant of the password, which leads to where...? Today is my day to drive away for physical rehab exercises. I try not to mix exciting poetic musing with dull treadmill treking. Don |
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Feb 9 07, 19:47
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#9
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 Laureate Legionnaire  Posts: 322 Joined: 20-August 06 From: Minneapolis, Minnesota Member No.: 217 Real Name: Timothy Blighton Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:justdaniel |
Good day John,
Turnabout is fairplay or some such nonsense. i've sat and read this a few times today. You seem to be working the em-dash in your poetry lately, mostly to the benefit of the poems. This one in particular works well with the interruptions that is given in em-dashing lines, as the N is undergoing a private turmoil regarding an incomplete love relationship. i offer some thoughts for change in bold; i didn't comment on every change, because i think some are self-explanatory. i hope this reply finds you penning well, such as this poem......please see below. QUOTE (Arnfinn @ Feb 8 07, 02:23 ) [snapback]91137[/snapback] A discordant ring, I wait with silence, silence that sings— you ---okay, italics for the thought of the N, keep the modified quotes for the actual speech. Then on cue, a soft…’hello.’ Vibrant notes cramp my constricted throat ---yeah, i see the play with parched and then a waterfall type image, but i would like to see the failure of force and the subsequent "backwash" that occurs in the last two lines. whole love notes, from a bruised heart— ---not bruised if cascading down and based on the later stanzas, cascade seemed to be the modifier out of place; i did offer a repetition of "notes". Hope you don't mind. Here we go again, ---(comma) no need to use an ellipsis here; keeping the train of thought tight here, adds to the upcoming jumbo'd lines of interrupted, incomplete thoughts, imo. love is painful— a strenuous duet— sublimation in rejection. ---a bit scientific, but the "purification" from heat seems to fit your image, plus you get the sonic repetition of tions/"shuns" ending. Are we in love? ---italics for thought question. Love is a play— you're in the outfield— sometimes a catch— sometimes a fumble. Reflections The warmth of a hand; those few strands of stray hair let loose on your brow… your gentle kiss… our lips pressed together… the hunger and the aches. I can’t let you go— ‘Hello…’ ---i omitted the "i love you, because all of this shows that very line; we don't need to be told, too...trust us. i hope this reply finds you well and i am happy to leap back into one of your offerings. Good stuff. ~tim/azurepoetry ······· ······· |
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Feb 15 07, 01:10
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#10
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Creative Chieftain Posts: 2,587 Joined: 9-August 03 From: Australia Member No.: 17 Real Name: John Writer of: Poetry |
QUOTE (Don @ Feb 9 07, 13:11 ) [snapback]91187[/snapback] Going off to snooze land to stay warm is more the mode than museland. Ah is ignorant of the password, which leads to where...? Today is my day to drive away for physical rehab exercises. I try not to mix exciting poetic musing with dull treadmill treking. Don The password was a double-up mate. Treadmill treking. Wouldn't that be a good place to muse on poetry? John.
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Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here! MM Award Winner |
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Feb 15 07, 01:51
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#11
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Creative Chieftain Posts: 2,587 Joined: 9-August 03 From: Australia Member No.: 17 Real Name: John Writer of: Poetry |
QUOTE (azurepoetry @ Feb 10 07, 00:47 ) [snapback]91207[/snapback] Good day John, Turnabout is fairplay or some such nonsense. i've sat and read this a few times today. You seem to be working the em-dash in your poetry lately, mostly to the benefit of the poems. This one in particular works well with the interruptions that is given in em-dashing lines, as the N is undergoing a private turmoil regarding an incomplete love relationship. i offer some thoughts for change in bold; i didn't comment on every change, because i think some are self-explanatory. i hope this reply finds you penning well, such as this poem......please see below. Hi Tim, Its good to see you back. Lately, I've made a few comments re: your poetry. QUOTE (Arnfinn @ Feb 8 07, 02:23 ) [snapback]91137[/snapback] A discordant ring, I wait with silence, silence that sings— you ---okay, italics for the thought of the N, keep the modified quotes for the actual speech. Then on cue, a soft…’hello.’ <<< I'll have to keep in mind. Thoughts re latin Vibrant notes cramp my constricted throat ---yeah, i see the play with parched and then a waterfall type image, but i would like to see the failure of force and the subsequent "backwash" that occurs in the last two lines. whole love notes, from a bruised heart— ---not bruised if cascading down and based on the later stanzas, cascade seemed to be the modifier out of place; i did offer a repetition of "notes". Hope you don't mind. Hmm... 'constricted' as in Boa! I'll have too check that one out. Perhaps, I should revise the first line. 'Your vibrant notes'. Here we go again, ---(comma) no need to use an ellipsis here; keeping the train of thought tight here, adds to the upcoming jumbo'd lines of interrupted, incomplete thoughts, imo. love is painful— a strenuous duet— sublimation in rejection. ---a bit scientific, but the "purification" from heat seems to fit your image, plus you get the sonic repetition of tions/"shuns" ending. Yep, shall alter to a (,) 'sublimation'. I'll check for the flow of things. Are we in love? ---italics for thought question. YEP, I got that one ready to go. Love is a play— you're in the outfield— <<< Better 'You're' sometimes a catch— sometimes a fumble. Reflections The warmth of a hand; those few strands of stray hair let loose on your brow… your gentle kiss… our lips pressed together… the hunger and the aches. I can’t let you go— ‘Hello…’ ---i omitted the "i love you, because all of this shows that very line; we don't need to be told, too...trust us. Yeah, correct Tim. I don't need W D N T B T. i hope this reply finds you well and i am happy to leap back into one of your offerings. Good stuff. ~tim/azurepoetry Tim, I'm as fit as a 'mallee bull'. I enjoy your visits,mate. I'll take a print out. I've got a few poems due for revision, and this is one of them. Unquote, from the Naked City. John
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Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here! MM Award Winner |
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