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Posted on: Sep 20 06, 02:13 |
Ornate Oracle
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 3,660
Joined: 23-August 03
From: Somerset, England
Member No.: 22
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Good Morning Gregory,
Nice to meet you here.
QUOTE i was inspired to write this in whatever word pattern that came out,
Firstly I read the crits as far as this statement and then decided to wade in without being influenced by the experts on form here. I am not such a one unfortunately. This reflects my feelings entirely. I find it extremely difficult to adhere strictly to form. Words come and need to be written down. I don’t choose the form, it just happens. I do try to pay attention to soft rhymes and most importantly meter, but that is where my observance of strict form ends.
I like your poem (sonnet or not) very much indeed! I like the language you have chosen to use to set the mood of the poem. It certainly reflects the language of the times for the most part.
I live in Somerset and have climbed Roche Rock, considered to be the site of the hermit Ogrin’s chapel where Tristan and Isolte were said to meet in secret trysts.
A couple of thoughts for you to consider ~ or not as the case may be
QUOTE Why had not I the courage to caress More full than lay my eyes on her sad dress And so she struck the strings of my guitar Music made for salt but not for bitter I feel your opening line showing his regret, might also reflect the anger he would feel at his timidity. I might suggest something like..
Great Gods! Had I but courage to caress
L2 More fully than with eyes on her sad dress L3 When first she struck the strings of my guitar I love the last line, which I take to mean to induce tears of joy rather than sadness?
And under Everest's peak in stillness crouched Too awed to move, my spirit slouched This love too great, too grand, to be fulfilled My heart, our soul and sex, forever stilled
L1 I don’t get the reference to Everest here Gregory. Perhaps you might consider introducing Ogrin here?
So under Ogrin’s peak in stillness crouched
L2 Needs another two syllables I feel. Maybe
Too awed to move, my trepid spirit slouched
L4 Not being prudish but I feel the word sex has no place in this very romantic poem Gregory. You could convey the same ardour with..
My heart, my soul and needs forever stilled
QUOTE Should not Tristan’s hand find Isolte’s ripe thigh Though mountain peaks play handsome with the sky?
L1 Would ne’er my hand lay soft on her sweet thigh L2 As mountain peaks will stroke a golden sky?
Very much enjoyed, and the romantic element flowed freely for me.
Excuse the aside please Gregory
Hi Arnie,
You have quoted a poem very dear to my heart. When I was young I was all legs, teeth and freckles (Which I hated vehemently). My mother used to quote Pied Beauty to me to bolster my confidence. It didn’t work then but I have come to accept it.
Pied Beauty.
Glory be to God for dappled things- For skies a couple-colour as a brinded cow; For rose-moles all in stipple upon trout that swim; Fresh-firecoal chestnut-falls; finches' wings; Landscape plotted and pieced - fold, fallow, and plough; And all trades, their gear and tackle and trim.
All things counter, original, spare, stranger; Whatever is fickle, freckled (who knows how?) With swift, slow; sweet, sour; adazzle, dim: Her fathers-forth whose beauty is past change: Praise him.
And she used to add
And fair- faced freckled damsels. |
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Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011
· Post Preview: #83721
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Posted on: Sep 19 06, 08:14 |
Ornate Oracle
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 3,660
Joined: 23-August 03
From: Somerset, England
Member No.: 22
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Hi Arniiiiiiiiiiieee,
QUOTE YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeeeesh Grace
Ya new picture,
Is that ya bath water irrigating ya vegie patch.
Nah, that's me new swimmin' pool in the back garden Arn, like it?
It's actually the Isle of Seil on the west coast of Scotland. That's not a river but the Atlantic ocean that separates the Island from the mainland.
QUOTE Me picture's, down the road from me outlook to the northern escarpment.
I gathered that John from the lovely pitchers you sent me. Looks like there might be a poem in there somewhere cobber?
QUOTE Yeah, Yeah, I know I broke the rules Deduct from whatever, but ya gotta strike when the irons hot .
Well, I think Lori will forgive you ~ just this once Arn. (ya can get up off ya knees now ~ yer've grovelled enough.)
Gotta hop it now mate. See yer later me best ozzie mate.
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Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011
· Post Preview: #83680
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Posted on: Sep 18 06, 03:20 |
Ornate Oracle
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 3,660
Joined: 23-August 03
From: Somerset, England
Member No.: 22
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G'day Cobber,
G'donya, delighted to hear yer feelin' better. I expect your looking forward to summer now?
Nights are beginning to draw in here and while the days are still sunny the evenings are definitely getting chillier!
Thanks fer the elucidation of the form there cobber, an' I am chuffed to little mint balls (as we say over where the world is right side up!) that I got it right! Fair dinkum.
Right, gotta hop off now Arnniiiiiiiiiiiiiiiie.. See ya me best ozzie mate.
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Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011
· Post Preview: #83608
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Posted on: Sep 18 06, 02:42 |
Ornate Oracle
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 3,660
Joined: 23-August 03
From: Somerset, England
Member No.: 22
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Hi Cathy,
QUOTE What a beautiful poem! This is a new form for me
Me too Cathy but I really enjoyed writing it. Will definitely have another go!
QUOTE A never-ending search for... something, anything? Answers, happiness, knowledge, money, love....
Indeed, whatever the reader chooses it to be.
I Like your semi colon on line ! and have altered it.
As to the ellipses on line five, because this is a mirror image I would have to repeat them on L6.
One second thoughts perhaps that would add to the feeling of aimless searching. What do you think Cathy?
Ponder. Ponder. |
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Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011
· Post Preview: #83606
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Posted on: Sep 18 06, 02:17 |
Ornate Oracle
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 3,660
Joined: 23-August 03
From: Somerset, England
Member No.: 22
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Hello Liz,
Many thanks for your kind words. I am so glad everyone was able to envisage this beautiful spot where I spent so many happy hours. |
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Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011
· Post Preview: #83605
· Replies: 43
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Posted on: Sep 17 06, 11:23 |
Ornate Oracle
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 3,660
Joined: 23-August 03
From: Somerset, England
Member No.: 22
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Hello Gregory,
Nice to meet you.
QUOTE Grace, this was fun and interesting. In terms of its message, a little light weight, but clever nevertheless. Must try a few palindromes, serve better than a saduko.
Ye, I agree this is a little lightweight, but it is a very first attempt at the form. Hope I will do better in time.
I am useless at form poems normally (except haiku) but this is one I feel I could tackle.
As to Saduko ~ give me words any day! |
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Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011
· Post Preview: #83521
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Posted on: Sep 17 06, 11:19 |
Ornate Oracle
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 3,660
Joined: 23-August 03
From: Somerset, England
Member No.: 22
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Hello Lori,
I apologise for not finishing my reply to your crit, but I hade to take my son to the station to catch his train.
QUOTE I think this would look good centered too IMHO.
I agree Lori. Consider it done.
QUOTE Infinity, beyond reaching, (suggest 'reach', instead of 'reaching') yearning and searching constellations, galaxies, unnamed stars. Lost forever. Where, oh where? (suggest 'adrift' instead of 'lost')
Where, oh where? Forever lost. (suggest 'adrift' instead of 'lost') Stars unnamed, galaxies, constellations. (remove endstop) Searching and yearning, reaching beyond (suggest 'reach', instead of 'reaching') Infinity (add endstop please)
I particular wanted to use the 'ing' words to make this @of the moment' Lori.
I think I will keep 'lost' since it indicates that no matter what I do, I cannot find that which I seek. 'adrift' would indicate that it is floating around loose in the firmament and is still attainable.
As to the full stop. YES MA'AM. Thank you ma'am.
Certainly you can add the format to Karnak Lori.
Thank you so much for your input. |
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Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011
· Post Preview: #83520
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Posted on: Sep 17 06, 11:07 |
Ornate Oracle
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 3,660
Joined: 23-August 03
From: Somerset, England
Member No.: 22
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G'day ta me Best Pommie Mucker,
'Ow's she goin' Arn? I hope yer health's better cobber, don't like ta think of yer as crook.
QUOTE Why have ya gat at duck egg n' front of it.
Are you referring to my lovely peony Sir?
QUOTE Cause, I think this poem sgood. (feelin hungry) Half a mo while I go n' get some Sao's with marg n' Vegimite.
Oh, ya still here Grace.
Don't mind me Arn, when ya gotta eat, ya gotta eat.
QUOTE I can't point out any mistakes, cause there isn't any
'Cor thanks Arn, much appreciated.
Now you just muster yer strength and get fit again mate.
Love to Pam an' Lily. |
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Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011
· Post Preview: #83516
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Posted on: Sep 17 06, 08:50 |
Ornate Oracle
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 3,660
Joined: 23-August 03
From: Somerset, England
Member No.: 22
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Hi Lori,
No this is not a Palindrome but a palindrome poem. An explanation follows.
Palindrome Poetry
Also Known as Mirrored Poetry
A palindrome, by definition, is a word, phrase, verse, sentence, or even poem that reads the same forward or backward.
It stems from the Greek word palindromos: palin, meaning again, and dromos, meaning a running. Combining the two together, the Greek meaning gives us, running back again...
Shown below are examples of the word-unit palindrome. The carefully placed words form the same sentence, whether it is read forward or backward. For example, 'Mirrored images reflect images mirrored' which includes a word in the center as a reversal point for the sentence or even the poem.
Example
Reflections by Lynee Fadden
Life- imitates nature, always moving, traveling continuously. Falling leaves placed delicately; foliage touching the echoing waters, clarity removed - Reflections distorted through waves rippling; gracefully dancing mirrored images - reflect - images mirrored. Dancing gracefully, rippling waves through distorted reflections - removed clarity. Waters echoing the touching foliage; delicately placed leaves falling - continuously traveling, moving always, nature imitates life |
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Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011
· Post Preview: #83499
· Replies: 21
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Posted on: Sep 16 06, 16:42 |
Ornate Oracle
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 3,660
Joined: 23-August 03
From: Somerset, England
Member No.: 22
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ETERNAL QUEST
Infinity; beyond reaching, yearning and searching constellations, galaxies, unnamed stars... Lost forever. Where, oh where?
Where, oh where? Forever lost. stars unnamed, galaxies, constellations... searching and yearning, reaching beyond Infinity. |
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Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011
· Post Preview: #83438
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Posted on: Sep 16 06, 16:33 |
Ornate Oracle
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 3,660
Joined: 23-August 03
From: Somerset, England
Member No.: 22
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Dear Lori, Cathy and Ren,
Wow, another Wizard! How wonderful.Many thanks for your kind words and congratulations. Much appreciated. |
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Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011
· Post Preview: #83436
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Posted on: Sep 13 06, 06:08 |
Ornate Oracle
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 3,660
Joined: 23-August 03
From: Somerset, England
Member No.: 22
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Hi Mysty,
Delighted to meet you.
I am glad you enjoyed this. It is one in a series of Postcard poems. I try to write one from every place I visit. |
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Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011
· Post Preview: #83152
· Replies: 43
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Posted on: Sep 13 06, 02:52 |
Ornate Oracle
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 3,660
Joined: 23-August 03
From: Somerset, England
Member No.: 22
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Hello Lori, Cyn, Eisa, Rene, Tim and Bev,
I have to apologise once again fro my absence. I have been unwell for a while suffering from giddiness which isn't helped by looking at a PC screen.
Better now though and about for a few days before I dash off on my travels around England again.
Many thanks to you all for your lovely remarks and your very kind congratulations.
This is really a lovely surprise. |
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Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011
· Post Preview: #83143
· Replies: 43
· Views: 15,923
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Posted on: Sep 7 06, 07:15 |
Ornate Oracle
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 3,660
Joined: 23-August 03
From: Somerset, England
Member No.: 22
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Hi dear friend Sylv,
Congratulations!! Very well deserved.
Sorry I'm late. Been trying to finish off the last stories for my chapbook. 58 down and 2 to go! |
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Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011
· Post Preview: #82717
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Posted on: Aug 22 06, 03:03 |
Ornate Oracle
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 3,660
Joined: 23-August 03
From: Somerset, England
Member No.: 22
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Good morning Nina,
I haven’t had time to venture into all the challenges lately so I come to this as a fresh poem and not an adaptation, (which is probably the best way to view it IMHO.)
Dog-Days
I take it that this was one of the set phrases? How very appropriate it is to this poem Nina, as they are long summer days when nothing much happens! It sets the tone to the serenity you are recapturing in the poem.
Walking country lanes, with Nightcap, my dog – days bleed into tomorrow.
Clever split of the hyphenated word to give it an entirely different meaning.
With each hill climbed; each valley descended, stains of harrowing memories fade, bleached by fresh experiences.
L4 I feel the word ‘fresh’ is not quite right Nina, maybe replace with something like calmer/gladder/happier ~ something to counter-balance harrowing maybe?
No longer do I dream of evil cloaked in glittering respectability nor a snake-headed charmer raping my soul.
L4 maybe possessing instead of raping. Seems a little more appropriate to the tone of the poem.
I step onwards into contentment.
I ‘move onwards’ or ‘I step forwards’ ?
The whole tone delights me. Nina in a cheerful mood!
(Pleased to hear the dog is called Nightcap and not Nightmare!) |
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Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011
· Post Preview: #81678
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Posted on: Aug 22 06, 02:29 |
Ornate Oracle
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 3,660
Joined: 23-August 03
From: Somerset, England
Member No.: 22
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Forum: ARCHIVES -> Chapbook Competitions
· Post Preview: #81677
· Replies: 13
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Posted on: Aug 21 06, 01:32 |
Ornate Oracle
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 3,660
Joined: 23-August 03
From: Somerset, England
Member No.: 22
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Hi Merlin,
QUOTE Sorry Grace - My off-beat sense of humor has been know to fall flat. In multiple choice questions/answers, it is common to have A, B, C, or D - none of the above. Nun or the above?
Ah! All is clear. I also have a rather offbeat sense of humour Merlin.
No doubt you know the famous aria "Nessun Dorme" from the opera Turandot? I call it "Lights out in the Convent" because the translation is "None shall sleep." (Well, I think it's funny.)
QUOTE As to the closing comment - one meaning of green is inexperience. A beginner is green on a job. Since you use "He", I felt that such a meaning should be ruled out.
Hope that helps explain.
Now I undestand where you are coming from I shall doubtless "get it" next time we meet.
Many thanks Merlin |
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Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011
· Post Preview: #81605
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Posted on: Aug 20 06, 17:38 |
Ornate Oracle
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 3,660
Joined: 23-August 03
From: Somerset, England
Member No.: 22
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Hi Merlin,
QUOTE Often when I was writing exams featuring multiple choice, there was "none of the above". Dunno if this is the one!
I have tried very hard, but I am afraid I can't understand this, but maybe that's just me. Could you elucidate for me please Merlin?
QUOTE As I haven't read thru all the other comments, I may be repeating or not - I'm wondering if you could be convinced to dump some of that verdant greenery. I know certain writers who will not use that word, since it's become somewhat cliché or hackneyed. Other descriptives would be well placed, as in the first case - something that compliments the rippling stream, like a rolling pasture. You'd have rip & roll then.
Oh, I don't think verdant greenery is that clichéd Merlin, well not over this side of the pond anyway.
The reason for the repetition is because it figured very strongly in her childhood and is now dwelling on her mind as she ages in the convent. The conjured up memory gives her comfort so I feel the duplication is legitimate.
QUOTE The final verdant relating to Him - He ought not be too green in what He's doing at this point.
???
I really would be interested in understanding what your first and last comments meant Merlin. I really do welcome sound critique. QUOTE All in all, a nice story-poem. Thank you veyr much. |
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Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011
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