Mam's Best Broach (revision 10 Apr) Options

[Eisa]

Mam's Best Broach (revision -- 10/04/07)

Dragonfly – your topaz dazzles
like a yellow winged darter
hovering over reminiscence.
Camouflaged in amethyst
you settle on her plum jacket,
wings recalling fairies from
her bed-time tales; they frolic
amongst lavender and marigolds,
dancing in my dreams.


L3 - changed memories for reminiscence (14/04/07)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Mam’s Best Broach

Dragonfly – your topaz dazzles
like a yellow winged darter,
flitting through my memories.
Merging with amethyst, you settle,
camouflaged against her plumb jacket.
Your wings recall the fairies
from the tales she told, frolicking
amongst lavender and marigolds;
frequently, they danced into my dreams.

[Guest_Kathy_*]

I enjoy the colours here. I see the dragonfly flit and settle on her jacket, then disappear as it merges with the coloour there, just as a live one does. I like the plump jacket; she is there, inside it. Later, there's a hint that she's gone, and that the brooch triggers memories of her when you look at it.
But some of the words you chose have a static feel to them, taking away the movement and the emotional impact of the present moment with which you begin. 'Frequently,' for instance. It tells me rather than lets me feel it. eg

Your wings recall the fairies
from the tales she told, frolicking
amongst lavender and marigolds;
they dance into my dreams.


Then something of what you feel.

Hope that's helpful.





Dragonfly – your topaz dazzles
like a yellow winged darter,
flitting through my memories.
Merging with amethyst, you settle,
camouflaged against her plumb jacket.
Your wings recall the fairies
from the tales she told, frolicking
amongst lavender and marigolds;
frequently, they danced into my dreams.

[AMETHYST]

Oh Snow,

You Mom is looking down and so proud of you and your poetic talents. This is beautiful. As Kathy mentions, your crisp details bring the dragonfly to life for the reader, the vivid images, are clear enough to close my eyes and see it all, feel it all, and smell the scents. Lovely. Such images like, 'yellow winged darter,' I especially loved the line 'Your wings recall the fairies' as if the fluttering of their wings, invite the narrator into an enchanted world, which to me - would be just as amazing as stepping back into our childhoods, and savoring those moments with our mothers.

The only real nit I had was also as Kathy mentions, frequently just sort of sticks out like a sore thumb and everything else is so blended, the sounds are soft against one another, the images lead into each other, the inner rhymes are soft and unintrusive (not overly done) and that final line, sort of stumbles my read. I would suggest omitting frequently, because I really don't see the need to establish a 'sometimes but not all the time' reference.

I also wanted to say BRAVO! I noticed you've ventured out from Iambic and how done quite well -

Hugs, Liz This is truly beautiful!

Mam’s Best Broach

Dragonfly – your topaz dazzles
like a yellow winged darter,
flitting through my memories.
Merging with amethyst, you settle,
camouflaged against her plumb jacket.
Your wings recall the fairies
from the tales she told, frolicking
amongst lavender and marigolds;
frequently, they danced into my dreams.

[Guest_kerri_*]

This poem is moving and I am captured by the
the use of color and the way it invokes memory.

I would maybe tighten the wonderful images a bit.

Dragonfly – your topaz dazzles
like a yellow winged darter,
merging amethyst and memories,
you settle.
Camouflaged against her plumb jacket,
Your wings recall fairies
of tales she told, frolick
amongst lavender and marigolds;
they dance into my dreams.

A wonderful portrait of this loved woman.

take care,

kerri

[Eisa]

I enjoy the colours here. I see the dragonfly flit and settle on her jacket, then disappear as it merges with the coloour there, just as a live one does. I like the plump jacket; she is there, inside it. Later, there's a hint that she's gone, and that the brooch triggers memories of her when you look at it.
But some of the words you chose have a static feel to them, taking away the movement and the emotional impact of the present moment with which you begin. 'Frequently,' for instance. It tells me rather than lets me feel it. eg

Your wings recall the fairies
from the tales she told, frolicking
amongst lavender and marigolds;
they dance into my dreams.


Then something of what you feel.

Hope that's helpful.

Yes Kathy ... that's very helpful. 'frequently does stick out like a sore thumb somehow. I'll get tid of that now and look at this again tomorrow.

Thanks!

Snow

[Eisa]

Oh Snow,

You Mom is looking down and so proud of you and your poetic talents. This is beautiful. As Kathy mentions, your crisp details bring the dragonfly to life for the reader, the vivid images, are clear enough to close my eyes and see it all, feel it all, and smell the scents. Lovely. Such images like, 'yellow winged darter,' I especially loved the line 'Your wings recall the fairies' as if the fluttering of their wings, invite the narrator into an enchanted world, which to me - would be just as amazing as stepping back into our childhoods, and savoring those moments with our mothers.

The only real nit I had was also as Kathy mentions, frequently just sort of sticks out like a sore thumb and everything else is so blended, the sounds are soft against one another, the images lead into each other, the inner rhymes are soft and unintrusive (not overly done) and that final line, sort of stumbles my read. I would suggest omitting frequently, because I really don't see the need to establish a 'sometimes but not all the time' reference.

I also wanted to say BRAVO! I noticed you've ventured out from Iambic and how done quite well -

Hugs, Liz This is truly beautiful!

Thanks Liz -- you are right about that last line, I'm off to delete frequently now.

I think there will be a lot of poems about my mother coming up. All those thoughts and feeling are coming out at last.

Hugs Snow

[Eisa]

This poem is moving and I am captured by the
the use of color and the way it invokes memory.

I would maybe tighten the wonderful images a bit.

Dragonfly – your topaz dazzles
like a yellow winged darter,
merging amethyst and memories,
you settle.
Camouflaged against her plumb jacket,
Your wings recall fairies
of tales she told, frolick
amongst lavender and marigolds;
they dance into my dreams.

A wonderful portrait of this loved woman.

take care,

kerri

Hi kerri


Thanks for your thoughts -- I'm not always good at tightening up, so will keep your ideas close for revision.

Snow

[Eisa]

Thanks for your thoughts everyone -- revision coming up.

Snow

[AMETHYST]

Hi Snow,

I have just read and reread and even reread after that (aloud) to hear the beautiful sounds of this poem The revision is polished perfectly and I especially liked the weeding out of unnecessary words to sharpen the images (such as in L4, the image of amethyst contrasted against the plumb jacket - Just loved this poem, it is filled with love, and scenery I can taste with my eyes and heart.

Wonderful!
Hugs, Liz

Mam's Best Broach (revision -- 10/04/07)

Dragonfly – your topaz dazzles
like a yellow winged darter
hovering over memories.
Camouflaged in amethyst
you settle on her plumb jacket,
wings recalling fairies from
her bed-time tales; they frolic
amongst lavender and marigolds,
dancing in my dreams.

[Orion]

Loved this poem! The heartfelt radiance abounds line by line ~ overflowing with love for and about someone dear. What a treat to read and bump into such expression.

Jan

[Eisa]

Hi Snow,

I have just read and reread and even reread after that (aloud) to hear the beautiful sounds of this poem The revision is polished perfectly and I especially liked the weeding out of unnecessary words to sharpen the images (such as in L4, the image of amethyst contrasted against the plumb jacket - Just loved this poem, it is filled with love, and scenery I can taste with my eyes and heart.

Wonderful!
Hugs, Liz

Hi Liz -- I thought you would like this one. Thanks!

Hugs Snow

[Eisa]

Loved this poem! The heartfelt radiance abounds line by line ~ overflowing with love for and about someone dear. What a treat to read and bump into such expression.

Jan

Thanks Jan -- writing this has brought back so many memories that I love. I'm glad you enjoyed reading it.

Snow

[Guest_kerri_*]

I love this revision of yours, snow.

You have perfected this moving poem.

take care,

kerri

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Snow.

I think your revision is a wonderful improvement on an already beautiful poem.

I've just one suggestion to throw out there for you.

Best of luck in the polling - this one already shines!

~Cleo


hovering over memories:
I suggest a change from 'memories' to 'reminiscence' because it’s the ‘act’ of recalling those memories so I think this word might fit a tad better but totally your choice as always to use or lose.

[Eisa]

I love this revision of yours, snow.

You have perfected this moving poem.

take care,

kerri

Thank you Kerri

Snow

[Eisa]

Hi Snow.

I think your revision is a wonderful improvement on an already beautiful poem.

I've just one suggestion to throw out there for you.

Best of luck in the polling - this one already shines!

~Cleo


hovering over memories:
I suggest a change from 'memories' to 'reminiscence' because it’s the ‘act’ of recalling those memories so I think this word might fit a tad better but totally your choice as always to use or lose.

Thanks Lori

Yes -- I like reminiscence and it's not so cliche as memories.

Snow

[Cleo_Serapis]

Whippee!

Sweet one Snow!

[Guest_Cathy_*]

You're going to IBPC!

Congratulations Snow!

Oh now darn it! I was going to use a smilie but it won't let me pull it up! LOL

Cathy

[Cleo_Serapis]

Congrats Snow!

Psst Cathy - sometimes the window pops behind as a separate window....

[Eisa]

Oh Wow Cathy and Lori -- this is such an honour. Thank you!


Hugs Snow