Poem Bee huitain (5th revision), Wizard Award ~ thanks Ron & Cathy Options

[Eisa]

This is my 5th revision. I have had so many wonderful suggestions and tried to fit them in so hope this isn't overdone. Thanks Ron and Cathy for the inspiration. I've changed the bee, from 'he' to 'she' as someone reminded me it is the females that do all the work! LOL!

She swoops into a clover field
imbibing nectar from the yield
to bring the buzz back to my muse.
In labyrinths, her job’s concealed,
while jamming cells, so I can wield
my wings. I’ll let her honey ooze
on scones, her mead to make this toast
‘to hiving my redundant ghost’.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In my 4th revision, I've tried to write a more original ending -- hope it's not too obscure!

Poem Bee (4th revision 10/03/07)

He swoops into a clover field
imbibing nectar from the yield
to stimulate my flagging muse.
In labyrinths his job's concealed,
while jamming cells, so I can wield
my tool; as honeyed words infuse
I’ll take my mead and make a toast
‘to authorship -- I've sacked my ghost!



last line was ~
‘to verse, without a writers ghost.’
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

THIRD REVISION 23/02/07


He swoops into a clover field
imbibing nectar from the yield
to stimulate my wilting muse.
Within my hive he works, concealed,
to jam the honeycombs. When sealed,
sustaining nutrients infuse
me with a buzz of new regimes;
my vision flows in honeyed streams.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

SECOND REVISION 21/02/07

He swoops into a clover field
imbibing nectar from the yield
to stimulate my wilting muse.
Within my hive he works, concealed,
to jam the honeycombs ‘til sealed.
Sustaining sweeteners infuse
me with a buzz of new regimes;
my vision flows in honeyed streams.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
REVISION

Poem Bee

He swoops into a clover field
imbibing nectar from the yield
to stimulate my wilting muse.
Within my hive he works, concealed,
while jamming honeycombs. When sealed,
sustaining sugars soon infuse
my vision, with renewed regimes;
Mind buzzing now in honeyed streams


Last line was
mind buzzing now, the honey streams.

Thanks Cathy!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

ORIGINAL

The Poem Bee

He swoops among the flower beds
extracting nectar from their heads --
ambrosia to feed my muse.
Then through my empty cells he spread
refreshed imagination, fed
to blossom into vibrant hues.
Awakened, inspiration grows
until the sweetest honey flows.

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Hi Snow,

I like the changes you've made! IMO it reads stronger than before. I've made a suggestion for the last line but of course... it's up to you! *smiles* I need to get my honey bee to swoopin'!

Cathy

He swoops into a clover field
imbibing nectar from the yield
to stimulate my wilting muse.
Within my hive he works, concealed,
while jamming honeycombs. When sealed,
sustaining sugars soon infuse
my vision{,} with renewed regimes;
mind buzzing now, the honey streams.

mind buzzes now in honey'd streams.

[Eisa]

Hi Snow,

I like the changes you've made! IMO it reads stronger than before. I've made a suggestion for the last line but of course... it's up to you! *smiles* I need to get my honey bee to swoopin'!

Cathy

He swoops into a clover field
imbibing nectar from the yield
to stimulate my wilting muse.
Within my hive he works, concealed,
while jamming honeycombs. When sealed,
sustaining sugars soon infuse
my vision{,} with renewed regimes;
mind buzzing now, the honey streams.

mind buzzes now in honey'd streams.

Hey -- that's a great improvement Cathy. You always manage to offer great tweaks for my endings. Thanks -- I'll change it now!

Snow

[Guest_Cathy_*]

LOL Thanks Snow! I don't know about 'always' but I always hope to offer something useful~

Glad I could help!

Cathy

[Eisa]

LOL Thanks Snow! I don't know about 'always' but I always hope to offer something useful~

Glad I could help!

Cathy

You often offer the very tweak I've been looking for.

Thanks

Snow

[jgdittier]

Dear Eisa,
I'm amazed at how often I read poetry as perfect, then see vast improvements!
Cheers, Ron jgd

[Eisa]

Dear Eisa,
I'm amazed at how often I read poetry as perfect, then see vast improvements!
Cheers, Ron jgd

Oh thank you Ron! I really struggled with revising this, but your comment has nade me feel it was all worth while!

Snow

[Eisa]

Another revision -- hopefully sounds smoother.

Snow

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Hi Snow,

I love the way this is shaping up! Just one thought addressed below...

Good job~
Cathy

He swoops into a clover field
imbibing nectar from the yield
to stimulate my wilting muse.
Within my hive he works, concealed,
to jam the honeycombs ‘til sealed.
Sustained as sweeteners infuse
me with a buzz of new regimes;
my vision flows in honeyed streams.

This just keeps getting better and better! I have one suggestion for line 6...

Sustaining sweeteners infuse

[Eisa]

Hi Snow,

I love the way this is shaping up! Just one thought addressed below...

Good job~
Cathy

He swoops into a clover field
imbibing nectar from the yield
to stimulate my wilting muse.
Within my hive he works, concealed,
to jam the honeycombs ‘til sealed.
Sustained as sweeteners infuse
me with a buzz of new regimes;
my vision flows in honeyed streams.

This just keeps getting better and better! I have one suggestion for line 6...

Sustaining sweeteners infuse

Oh! -- you've done it again Cathy! You've found the solution to the line I was not happy with. Now why didn't I think of your suggestion. I sometimes think when we write, we acn't see the wood for the trees! LOL!
Anyhow -- thanks Cathy! -- I'm off to change it now.

Snow

[AMETHYST]

Hi Snow,

I like the Huitian Form, but you make it shine and possibly 'sweeten' it up! :) I loved the title. Let me just get right to it, as Lauren's cranky tonight, and keeps tossing in her sleep, my time on line my be cut short-

I really think the revisions fix some of the (not so) rough spots, so let's see what might be left

Hugs, Liz

SECOND REVISION 21/02/07

He swoops into a clover field
imbibing nectar from the yield
to stimulate my wilting muse.
Within my hive he works, concealed,
to jam the honeycombs ‘til sealed.
Sustaining sweeteners infuse
me with a buzz of new regimes;
my vision flows in honeyed streams.

The first 3 lines are wonderful. There is a sense of innocense and/or newness to the tone of the poem, which these lines enhance. L5 feels off a bit near the end '...'til sealed' I keep wanting to say 'when sealed' like in the original. L6 is off a beat, could be me, but I scan it as:
susTAINing SWEETeners infuse. Not sure if that isn't me, perhaps it is SWEET en ERS ... anyway... The final 3 lines are wonderful, marking the poem, IMO, a near pollished poem!

Big Hugs, Liz ...

[Eisa]

Hi Snow,

I like the Huitian Form, but you make it shine and possibly 'sweeten' it up! :) I loved the title. Let me just get right to it, as Lauren's cranky tonight, and keeps tossing in her sleep, my time on line my be cut short-

I really think the revisions fix some of the (not so) rough spots, so let's see what might be left

Hugs, Liz

SECOND REVISION 21/02/07

He swoops into a clover field
imbibing nectar from the yield
to stimulate my wilting muse.
Within my hive he works, concealed,
to jam the honeycombs ‘til sealed.
Sustaining sweeteners infuse
me with a buzz of new regimes;
my vision flows in honeyed streams.

The first 3 lines are wonderful. There is a sense of innocense and/or newness to the tone of the poem, which these lines enhance. L5 feels off a bit near the end '...'til sealed' I keep wanting to say 'when sealed' like in the original. L6 is off a beat, could be me, but I scan it as:
susTAINing SWEETeners infuse. Not sure if that isn't me, perhaps it is SWEET en ERS ... anyway... The final 3 lines are wonderful, marking the poem, IMO, a near pollished poem!

Big Hugs, Liz ...

Hi Liz

Hi Liz

You have picked out the two places that I have been thinking on.

I think I prefer the enjambment of 'when sealed ....' too.

'sweeteners' -- does sound off to me to. I thought I might get away with it as a substitution but it doesn't sound right. I'll think again!

Thanks Liz

Hugs Snow

I hope Lauren had a peaceful night eventually.

[Peterpan]

I've taken a poem I wrote last year and tried to use some fresher end rhymes and to extend the metaphor. Hope it works!

THIRD REVISION 23/02/07


He swoops into a clover field
imbibing nectar from the yield
to stimulate my wilting muse.
Within my hive he works, concealed,
to jam the honeycombs. When sealed,
sustaining nutrients infuse
me with a buzz of new regimes;
my vision flows in honeyed streams.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

SECOND REVISION 21/02/07

He swoops into a clover field
imbibing nectar from the yield
to stimulate my wilting muse.
Within my hive he works, concealed,
to jam the honeycombs ‘til sealed.
Sustaining sweeteners infuse
me with a buzz of new regimes;
my vision flows in honeyed streams.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
REVISION

Poem Bee

He swoops into a clover field
imbibing nectar from the yield
to stimulate my wilting muse.
Within my hive he works, concealed,
while jamming honeycombs. When sealed,
sustaining sugars soon infuse
my vision, with renewed regimes;
Mind buzzing now in honeyed streams


Last line was
mind buzzing now, the honey streams.

Thanks Cathy!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

ORIGINAL

The Poem Bee

He swoops among the flower beds
extracting nectar from their heads --
ambrosia to feed my muse.
Then through my empty cells he spread
refreshed imagination, fed
to blossom into vibrant hues.
Awakened, inspiration grows
until the sweetest honey flows.

Hello "E"

I think it is excellent! Good metaphor and very vivid, well executed. I have not read the other versions. This one works for me.

Recently, I was stung - really and properly by a bee! I was not given honeyed nectar but, poison which resulted in my foot developing into the size of a rugby ball. I had to go to the Dr. and get very strong anihistamines and creams. Two days later sitting at our pool - without a shoe, because of the swelling - I trod on another bee with the same foot (still no honeyed nectar! just more doses of mindblowing drugs) I am much better now but I was off work for two days. So it seems that your sting was definitely more productive than my experience...! :)

Well done!

Bev

[Eisa]

Hello "E"

I think it is excellent! Good metaphor and very vivid, well executed. I have not read the other versions. This one works for me.

Recently, I was stung - really and properly by a bee! I was not given honeyed nectar but, poison which resulted in my foot developing into the size of a rugby ball. I had to go to the Dr. and get very strong anihistamines and creams. Two days later sitting at our pool - without a shoe, because of the swelling - I trod on another bee with the same foot (still no honeyed nectar! just more doses of mindblowing drugs) I am much better now but I was off work for two days. So it seems that your sting was definitely more productive than my experience...! :)

Well done!

Bev

Hi Bev

I sympathise about the bee sting -- had one myself some years ago, it gave me flu-like symptoms. Unfortunately for the bee, it dies after stinging as using the sting tears its abdomen. They only sting when provoked or frightened. So whenever you get a sting, remember the bee can't do any more damage.

Glad the poem worked for you. Perhaps I ought to write one about a bee sting! LOL!

Snow

[Peterpan]

Hello Snow

To Bee or not to Bee!

Bev

[Eisa]

Hello Snow

To Bee or not to Bee!

Bev

Well Bev ... this little bee was not to be ... as I've done a 4th revision! LOL!!

Snow

[Peterpan]

Hello Snow~

Last line comment in BOLD

In my 4th revision, I've tried to write a more original ending -- hope it's not too obscure!

Poem Bee (4th revision 10/03/07)

He swoops into a clover field
imbibing nectar from the yield
to stimulate my flagging muse.
In labyrinths he works concealed,
to jam my cells, so I can wield
my tool. As honeyed words infuse
I’ll take a glass of mead and toast
‘to verse, without a writers ghost.’mmm not sure I understand it? Are you still struggling to write? Do you need a writers ghost to write? Or are you managing to write without the ghost. Not sure I understand the words.

PP


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

THIRD REVISION 23/02/07


He swoops into a clover field
imbibing nectar from the yield
to stimulate my wilting muse.
Within my hive he works, concealed,
to jam the honeycombs. When sealed,
sustaining nutrients infuse
me with a buzz of new regimes;
my vision flows in honeyed streams.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

SECOND REVISION 21/02/07

He swoops into a clover field
imbibing nectar from the yield
to stimulate my wilting muse.
Within my hive he works, concealed,
to jam the honeycombs ‘til sealed.
Sustaining sweeteners infuse
me with a buzz of new regimes;
my vision flows in honeyed streams.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
REVISION

Poem Bee

He swoops into a clover field
imbibing nectar from the yield
to stimulate my wilting muse.
Within my hive he works, concealed,
while jamming honeycombs. When sealed,
sustaining sugars soon infuse
my vision, with renewed regimes;
Mind buzzing now in honeyed streams


Last line was
mind buzzing now, the honey streams.

Thanks Cathy!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

ORIGINAL

The Poem Bee

He swoops among the flower beds
extracting nectar from their heads --
ambrosia to feed my muse.
Then through my empty cells he spread
refreshed imagination, fed
to blossom into vibrant hues.
Awakened, inspiration grows
until the sweetest honey flows.

[Eisa]

Hi Bev

Thanks for reading this again.

The toast is to 'verse, without a writer's ghost.

However I think I could make that clearer -- I'll have another try!

Snow

[Cleo_Serapis]

Tee hee!

I love this Snow! I haven't read the other comments so apologies if anything is duplicated. I only have some thoughts on the middle of the poem - an alternate for you to ponder as you wish.

Enjoyed! Hope the bee's sting is good for your muse!

~Cleo

In labyrinths he works concealed,
to jam my cells, so I can wield
my tool. As honeyed words infuse


I offer this alternate:

In labyrinths, his job’s concealed,
he jams my cells so I can wield
my tool. As honeyed words infuse

[Eisa]

Tee hee!

I love this Snow! I haven't read the other comments so apologies if anything is duplicated. I only have some thoughts on the middle of the poem - an alternate for you to ponder as you wish.

Enjoyed! Hope the bee's sting is good for your muse!

~Cleo

In labyrinths he works concealed,
to jam my cells, so I can wield
my tool. As honeyed words infuse

I offer this alternate:

In labyrinths, his job’s concealed,
he jams my cells so I can wield
my tool. As honeyed words infuse

Hi Lori

I'm glad this worked for you ... with each change I wonder ....????? LOL!

I like your suggestion very much and will change now.

Thanks

Snow