The Odyssey Imps, REVISION POSTED 2/4/07 Options

[Guest_Cathy_*]

The Odyssey Imps ~ Revision One

A somnolent sun will slip to earth, winds whispering good-night
while dragons wake with prankish whims for playful pillow fights.
Pearlescent gems dot ebon skies and tiddly-wink hello
as mystic music stirs the clouds in toe-tips to and fro.

The night is clear and gentle breaths will grace a chalice moon
with dragon voice in twilight song in harmonizing tune.
They drift around the galaxy in rainbow-ribboned streams
bestirring fun-filled fantasies from Dippers full of dreams.

Their frolicking will take them to the edge where earth meets sky
in saturated color streaked with light to catch the eye.
Wee pixies pas* to grab the tail of savvy shooting stars
in hopes of dusting highlights to the green of planet Mars.

Across the night starific sights make orbital debut,
they carousel till heavens gel with blush of scarlet hue.
Soft morning light illumines paths through star-struck Milky Ways
and imps succumb to Sandman's itch from warming sunlight rays.



Cathy Bollhoefer
copyright Jan 30, 07

*a ballet step
S4 L2 - glow to gel
S4 L3&4 - As morning light illumines paths through star-struck Milky Ways,
the imps succumb to sandman's itch of warming sunlight sway.


The Odyssey Imps ~ Original

A somnolent sun will slide to earth, winds whispering good-night,
while dragons wake with prankish thoughts of playful pillow fights.
Pearlescent gems dot ebon skies and tiddlywink hello
as mystic music stirs the clouds in toe-tips to and fro.

The night is clear and gentle breaths t'will touch a chalice moon
while dragon's voice in twilight song hums harmonizing tune.
They drift around the galaxy in rainbow-ribboned streams
bestirring fancy fairy tales from Dippers full of dreams.

Their frolicking will take them to the edge of earth and sky
in saturated color streaked with light to catch the eye.
Wee pixie sprites will grab the tail of savvy shooting stars
in hopes of dusting highlights to the green of planet Mars.

Throughout the night starific sights make orbital debut,
they carousel till heavens glow with blush of scarlet hue.
As morning light illumines paths through star-struck Milky Way,
the imps succumb to sandman's itch of warming sunlight sway.

Cathy Bollhoefer
copyright Jan 30, 07

[Eisa]

Hi Cathy -- this is so lovely!

On first read I can't fault a thing, but I'll print it off and come back.

Snow

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Thank you Snow! I'm anxious to hear any possible ideas~

Cathy

[AMETHYST]

Oh Cathy,

Another lovely, heart catching and dream awakening poem. Is this a Part II to Midnight Odyessey or a part of a collection of these fantasy, enchanting poems? ... I am in a whirl of stirred imagination through your poetry. As Snow said, I didn't really see anything to find fault with, but I will go throough and see what I see...

This is a read again sort of poem... and I plan on reading it again, again and again!

Hugs, Liz

The Odyssey Imps

A somnolent sun will slide to earth, winds whispering good-night,
while dragons wake with prankish thoughts of playful pillow fights.
Pearlescent gems dot ebon skies and tiddlywink hello
as mystic music stirs the clouds in toe-tips to and fro.


I learned a new word "somnolent' ~ a wonderful new addition to my vocabulary and possibly a poem starter somewhere down the line. You've used it quite well to open up this poem. The alliteration is smooth, flowing off of the tongue softly and without feeling overly done. The images blend into one another, as a poetic story should. L3, the image is spectacular. I did feel 'tiddlywink' seems weak, but I have nothing to offer that would show why or I cannot explain why I felt that way. In L4, perhaps... "as mystic music stirs the clouds that toe-tip to and fro. (a minor suggestion) I adored the playfulness of evening creatures and how the universe becomes a playground. Wonderful opening stanza.

The night is clear and gentle breaths t'will touch a chalice moon
while dragon's voice in twilight song hums harmonizing tune.
They drift around the galaxy in rainbow-ribboned streams
bestirring fancy fairy tales from Dippers full of dreams.

Again, the rhymes and rhythm draw the reader through this enchantment, as a dance partner in a waltz, gliding step by step. In L1, I would suggest a ; or , after clear ... to allow a slight pause before the image begins to connect. What beautiful descriptions and motion from image to image. I adore the movement of the dragon's night folly, the evening decorated for a readers fancy.

Their frolicking will take them to the edge of earth and sky
in saturated color streaked with light to catch the eye.
Wee pixie sprites will grab the tail of savvy shooting stars
in hopes of dusting highlights to the green of planet Mars.

L1, perhaps ... Their frolicking will take them to the edge where earth meets sky.
Again the rhymes and rhythems are amazing and enticing. Beautiful.

Throughout the night starific sights make orbital debut,
they carousel till heavens glow with blush of scarlet hue.
As morning light illumines paths through star-struck Milky Way,
the imps succumb to sandman's itch of warming sunlight sway.

In L3, I keep wanting to say Milky Ways - or a star-struck milky way. Excellent, excellent ending line. Oh my, my ... this is a most beautiful, beautiful ...

Cathy Bollhoefer
copyright Jan 30, 07

Hugs, Liz

[JLY]

Cathy,
This is a lovely read. I enjoyed your use of hyphenated words and alliterative devices...they stand out and it a certain clarity to this poem.

One question...L1 of stanza 1....is it ebon or did you mean to say ebony?

JLY

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Oh Cathy,

Another lovely, heart catching and dream awakening poem. Is this a Part II to Midnight Odyessey or a part of a collection of these fantasy, enchanting poems? ... I am in a whirl of stirred imagination through your poetry. As Snow said, I didn't really see anything to find fault with, but I will go throough and see what I see... Actually this started out as a revision of MO II but it turned into a completely different poem! Maybe I should work on a collection~

This is a read again sort of poem... and I plan on reading it again, again and again!

Hugs, Liz
Thank you Liz!



QUOTE
The Odyssey Imps

A somnolent sun will slide to earth, winds whispering good-night,
while dragons wake with prankish thoughts of playful pillow fights.
Pearlescent gems dot ebon skies and tiddlywink hello
as mystic music stirs the clouds in toe-tips to and fro.


I learned a new word "somnolent' ~ a wonderful new addition to my vocabulary and possibly a poem starter somewhere down the line. You've used it quite well to open up this poem. The alliteration is smooth, flowing off of the tongue softly and without feeling overly done. The images blend into one another, as a poetic story should. L3, the image is spectacular. I did feel 'tiddlywink' seems weak, but I have nothing to offer that would show why or I cannot explain why I felt that way. In L4, perhaps... "as mystic music stirs the clouds that toe-tip to and fro. (a minor suggestion) I adored the playfulness of evening creatures and how the universe becomes a playground. Wonderful opening stanza.

'Somnolent' is a new word for me too! I think I was looking for alternates for 'sleepy' or something when I came across that. 'Tiddlywink' was a fun sort of word but I'm not sure of it myself. I started out with 'shyly wink'. I like your suggestion for line 4~ Thanks!

The night is clear and gentle breaths t'will touch a chalice moon
while dragon's voice in twilight song hums harmonizing tune.
They drift around the galaxy in rainbow-ribboned streams
bestirring fancy fairy tales from Dippers full of dreams.

Again, the rhymes and rhythm draw the reader through this enchantment, as a dance partner in a waltz, gliding step by step. In L1, I would suggest a ; or , after clear ... to allow a slight pause before the image begins to connect. What beautiful descriptions and motion from image to image. I adore the movement of the dragon's night folly, the evening decorated for a readers fancy.

Thank you again Liz! I think the rhythm is very important because of the rhythm created in the original. I think it helps to establish a connection other than the fantasy aspect of them all.

Their frolicking will take them to the edge of earth and sky
in saturated color streaked with light to catch the eye.
Wee pixie sprites will grab the tail of savvy shooting stars
in hopes of dusting highlights to the green of planet Mars.

L1, perhaps ... Their frolicking will take them to the edge where earth meets sky.
Again the rhymes and rhythems are amazing and enticing. Beautiful.

Another good suggestion... it omits the use of 'and'. I'm so glad you seem to be enjoying it! *smiles*

Throughout the night starific sights make orbital debut,
they carousel till heavens glow with blush of scarlet hue.
As morning light illumines paths through star-struck Milky Way,
the imps succumb to sandman's itch of warming sunlight sway.

In L3, I keep wanting to say Milky Ways - or a star-struck milky way. Excellent, excellent ending line. Oh my, my ... this is a most beautiful, beautiful ...

LOL I kept wanting to use the plural too but we only have one! I had 'a' in there to begin with but it seemed to create a bump in the flow so I guess I will try to rework it somehow. Of course, this IS fantasy so maybe I could get away with using the 's'! Thanks for dropping in and offering your input. It's most appreciated!

Cathy

Cathy Bollhoefer
copyright Jan 30, 07

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Cathy,
This is a lovely read. I enjoyed your use of hyphenated words and alliterative devices...they stand out and it a certain clarity to this poem.

One question...L1 of stanza 1....is it ebon or did you mean to say ebony?

JLY

Thank you John! I'm glad you enjoyed it~

'Ebon' is just a shorter form of 'ebony' meaning a very dark black. I didn't realize it was a word either till I was looking up something else. *smiles*

Thanks so much for dropping in!
Cathy

[Eisa]

Hi Cathy

I'm back! ... with a few thoughts

A somnolent sun will slide to earth, winds whispering good-night,
while dragons wake with prankish thoughts of playful pillow fights.
Pearlescent gems dot ebon skies and tiddlywink hello
as mystic music stirs the clouds in toe-tips to and fro.

L1 -- somnambulent -- I've added to my new word list too!
L3 --I really like ‘tiddlywink’ hello but perhaps it is not quite in keeping with the rest of the poem. ‘Shyly winks hello’ sounds good to me.
L4 – ‘the clouds that tiptoe to and fro’

The night is clear and gentle breaths t'will touch a chalice moon
while dragon's voice in twilight song hums harmonizing tune.
They drift around the galaxy in rainbow-ribboned streams
bestirring fancy fairy tales from Dippers full of dreams.

L1 sounds ok as ‘will touch….’ Instead of ‘t’will’ – unless I’m reading it wrong (well I am dim sometimes. LOL!)

Their frolicking will take them to the edge of earth and sky
in saturated color streaked with light to catch the eye.
Wee pixie sprites will grab the tail of savvy shooting stars
in hopes of dusting highlights to the green of planet Mars.

L1 – I like Liz’s suggestion here
‘….the edge where earth meets sky’
L3 – I thought pixies and sprites were the same thing … but perhaps I’m wrong.

Throughout the night starific sights make orbital debut,
they carousel till heavens glow with blush of scarlet hue.
As morning light illumines paths through star-struck Milky Way,
the imps succumb to sandman's itch of warming sunlight sway.

L3 – I can see that you could use an ‘a’ in front of milky way, but at the moment can’t think of any suggestions. I’ll keep thinking!

I've really enjoyed reading this again. I hope something I've said might help, but just ignore if not.

Snow
.

[AMETHYST]

Hi Cathy,

I've had a busy week but wanted to come back to your response before this and couldn't! Yes I think without a doubt, a collection would be a wonderful chapbook or manuscript. Midnight Enchantments, and what follows is .... these beautiful poems, and you've got many more beautiful poems that are on the subject of enchanting places, creatures and auras'... Gather them up!

Oh Cathy,

Another lovely, heart catching and dream awakening poem. Is this a Part II to Midnight Odyessey or a part of a collection of these fantasy, enchanting poems? ... I am in a whirl of stirred imagination through your poetry. As Snow said, I didn't really see anything to find fault with, but I will go throough and see what I see... Actually this started out as a revision of MO II but it turned into a completely different poem! Maybe I should work on a collection~

This is a read again sort of poem... and I plan on reading it again, again and again!

Hugs, Liz
Thank you Liz!

More than welcome. Most deserving.



QUOTE
The Odyssey Imps

A somnolent sun will slide to earth, winds whispering good-night,
while dragons wake with prankish thoughts of playful pillow fights.
Pearlescent gems dot ebon skies and tiddlywink hello
as mystic music stirs the clouds in toe-tips to and fro.


I learned a new word "somnolent' ~ a wonderful new addition to my vocabulary and possibly a poem starter somewhere down the line. You've used it quite well to open up this poem. The alliteration is smooth, flowing off of the tongue softly and without feeling overly done. The images blend into one another, as a poetic story should. L3, the image is spectacular. I did feel 'tiddlywink' seems weak, but I have nothing to offer that would show why or I cannot explain why I felt that way. In L4, perhaps... "as mystic music stirs the clouds that toe-tip to and fro. (a minor suggestion) I adored the playfulness of evening creatures and how the universe becomes a playground. Wonderful opening stanza.

'Somnolent' is a new word for me too! I think I was looking for alternates for 'sleepy' or something when I came across that. 'Tiddlywink' was a fun sort of word but I'm not sure of it myself. I started out with 'shyly wink'. I like your suggestion for line 4~ Thanks!

Tiddlywink, I am still unsure why it feels off to me, because it is not often used, it fits the intent but ... there is something else out there that fits better but it will come soon enough. shlywink isn't bad, but I think you lose the childish/link to playing ... is that what you were going for? ....

The night is clear and gentle breaths t'will touch a chalice moon
while dragon's voice in twilight song hums harmonizing tune.
They drift around the galaxy in rainbow-ribboned streams
bestirring fancy fairy tales from Dippers full of dreams.

Again, the rhymes and rhythm draw the reader through this enchantment, as a dance partner in a waltz, gliding step by step. In L1, I would suggest a ; or , after clear ... to allow a slight pause before the image begins to connect. What beautiful descriptions and motion from image to image. I adore the movement of the dragon's night folly, the evening decorated for a readers fancy.

Thank you again Liz! I think the rhythm is very important because of the rhythm created in the original. I think it helps to establish a connection other than the fantasy aspect of them all.

I agree!

Their frolicking will take them to the edge of earth and sky
in saturated color streaked with light to catch the eye.
Wee pixie sprites will grab the tail of savvy shooting stars
in hopes of dusting highlights to the green of planet Mars.

L1, perhaps ... Their frolicking will take them to the edge where earth meets sky.
Again the rhymes and rhythems are amazing and enticing. Beautiful.

Another good suggestion... it omits the use of 'and'. I'm so glad you seem to be enjoying it! *smiles*

Glad something helped!

Throughout the night starific sights make orbital debut,
they carousel till heavens glow with blush of scarlet hue.
As morning light illumines paths through star-struck Milky Way,
the imps succumb to sandman's itch of warming sunlight sway.

In L3, I keep wanting to say Milky Ways - or a star-struck milky way. Excellent, excellent ending line. Oh my, my ... this is a most beautiful, beautiful ...

LOL I kept wanting to use the plural too but we only have one! I had 'a' in there to begin with but it seemed to create a bump in the flow so I guess I will try to rework it somehow. Of course, this IS fantasy so maybe I could get away with using the 's'! Thanks for dropping in and offering your input. It's most appreciated!

LOL I know, after rereading it after posting I realized, hmmm... milky ways... unless you want to use poetic license and refer to the fantasy of it and the many milky ways of enchanting lands where dragon's make the midnight sky his playground. LOL (Either way whatever you do with that ending ... the poem is THUMBS UP!

Cathy

Cathy Bollhoefer
copyright Jan 30, 07

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Hi Cathy

I'm back! ... with a few thoughts

A somnolent sun will slide to earth, winds whispering good-night,
while dragons wake with prankish thoughts of playful pillow fights.
Pearlescent gems dot ebon skies and tiddlywink hello
as mystic music stirs the clouds in toe-tips to and fro.

L1 -- somnambulent -- I've added to my new word list too!
L3 --I really like ‘tiddlywink’ hello but perhaps it is not quite in keeping with the rest of the poem. ‘Shyly winks hello’ sounds good to me.
L4 – ‘the clouds that tiptoe to and fro’

I'm not sure what I'll do with line 3 (tiddlywink). I was hoping that it would be in keeping with the child-like feel of the poem. As for line 4, I've been thinking about 'that' but it might change the image a bit. Using 'that' makes it sound as if the clouds are already dancing when the music starts but they aren't. Hearing the music inspires them to do that. I'm still considering it though. *smiles*

The night is clear and gentle breaths t'will touch a chalice moon
while dragon's voice in twilight song hums harmonizing tune.
They drift around the galaxy in rainbow-ribboned streams
bestirring fancy fairy tales from Dippers full of dreams.

L1 sounds ok as ‘will touch….’ Instead of ‘t’will’ – unless I’m reading it wrong (well I am dim sometimes. LOL!)

I agree... I will be changing that. I think I was going for the alliteration of 'twill' and 'touch' but because of the way the sentence is written, it doesn't fit. Thanks for bringing that up!

Their frolicking will take them to the edge of earth and sky
in saturated color streaked with light to catch the eye.
Wee pixie sprites will grab the tail of savvy shooting stars
in hopes of dusting highlights to the green of planet Mars.

L1 – I like Liz’s suggestion here
‘….the edge where earth meets sky’
L3 – I thought pixies and sprites were the same thing … but perhaps I’m wrong.

L1 will be changed. I like it too! LOL As for pixies and sprites... you're probably right. I've been looking for something to add alliteration here as well.

Throughout the night starific sights make orbital debut,
they carousel till heavens glow with blush of scarlet hue.
As morning light illumines paths through star-struck Milky Way,
the imps succumb to sandman's itch of warming sunlight sway.

L3 – I can see that you could use an ‘a’ in front of milky way, but at the moment can’t think of any suggestions. I’ll keep thinking!

I think I will claim poetic license and use 'milky ways' as though speaking of more than one galaxy. After all... it IS fantasy! LOL

I've really enjoyed reading this again. I hope something I've said might help, but just ignore if not.

I'm so glad you enjoyed it and thanks for coming back Snow!

Cathy

Snow
.

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Hi Cathy,

I've had a busy week but wanted to come back to your response before this and couldn't! Yes I think without a doubt, a collection would be a wonderful chapbook or manuscript. Midnight Enchantments, and what follows is .... these beautiful poems, and you've got many more beautiful poems that are on the subject of enchanting places, creatures and auras'... Gather them up!


I might just do that! Lovely title too! I'll have to give this some serious thought! Thanks Liz!


QUOTE(Cathy @ Jan 31 07, 07:38 )
Oh Cathy,

Another lovely, heart catching and dream awakening poem. Is this a Part II to Midnight Odyessey or a part of a collection of these fantasy, enchanting poems? ... I am in a whirl of stirred imagination through your poetry. As Snow said, I didn't really see anything to find fault with, but I will go throough and see what I see... Actually this started out as a revision of MO II but it turned into a completely different poem! Maybe I should work on a collection~

This is a read again sort of poem... and I plan on reading it again, again and again!

Hugs, Liz
Thank you Liz!

More than welcome. Most deserving.



QUOTE
The Odyssey Imps

A somnolent sun will slide to earth, winds whispering good-night,
while dragons wake with prankish thoughts of playful pillow fights.
Pearlescent gems dot ebon skies and tiddlywink hello
as mystic music stirs the clouds in toe-tips to and fro.


I learned a new word "somnolent' ~ a wonderful new addition to my vocabulary and possibly a poem starter somewhere down the line. You've used it quite well to open up this poem. The alliteration is smooth, flowing off of the tongue softly and without feeling overly done. The images blend into one another, as a poetic story should. L3, the image is spectacular. I did feel 'tiddlywink' seems weak, but I have nothing to offer that would show why or I cannot explain why I felt that way. In L4, perhaps... "as mystic music stirs the clouds that toe-tip to and fro. (a minor suggestion) I adored the playfulness of evening creatures and how the universe becomes a playground. Wonderful opening stanza.

'Somnolent' is a new word for me too! I think I was looking for alternates for 'sleepy' or something when I came across that. 'Tiddlywink' was a fun sort of word but I'm not sure of it myself. I started out with 'shyly wink'. I like your suggestion for line 4~ Thanks!

Tiddlywink, I am still unsure why it feels off to me, because it is not often used, it fits the intent but ... there is something else out there that fits better but it will come soon enough. shlywink isn't bad, but I think you lose the childish/link to playing ... is that what you were going for? ....

Yes, I was hoping to give it a 'child-like' feel. I'm still not quite sure what I will do with it. *smiles*

The night is clear and gentle breaths t'will touch a chalice moon
while dragon's voice in twilight song hums harmonizing tune.
They drift around the galaxy in rainbow-ribboned streams
bestirring fancy fairy tales from Dippers full of dreams.

Again, the rhymes and rhythm draw the reader through this enchantment, as a dance partner in a waltz, gliding step by step. In L1, I would suggest a ; or , after clear ... to allow a slight pause before the image begins to connect. What beautiful descriptions and motion from image to image. I adore the movement of the dragon's night folly, the evening decorated for a readers fancy.

Thank you again Liz! I think the rhythm is very important because of the rhythm created in the original. I think it helps to establish a connection other than the fantasy aspect of them all.

I agree!

Their frolicking will take them to the edge of earth and sky
in saturated color streaked with light to catch the eye.
Wee pixie sprites will grab the tail of savvy shooting stars
in hopes of dusting highlights to the green of planet Mars.

L1, perhaps ... Their frolicking will take them to the edge where earth meets sky.
Again the rhymes and rhythems are amazing and enticing. Beautiful.

Another good suggestion... it omits the use of 'and'. I'm so glad you seem to be enjoying it! *smiles*

Glad something helped!

You have always offered something helpful!

Throughout the night starific sights make orbital debut,
they carousel till heavens glow with blush of scarlet hue.
As morning light illumines paths through star-struck Milky Way,
the imps succumb to sandman's itch of warming sunlight sway.

In L3, I keep wanting to say Milky Ways - or a star-struck milky way. Excellent, excellent ending line. Oh my, my ... this is a most beautiful, beautiful ...

LOL I kept wanting to use the plural too but we only have one! I had 'a' in there to begin with but it seemed to create a bump in the flow so I guess I will try to rework it somehow. Of course, this IS fantasy so maybe I could get away with using the 's'! Thanks for dropping in and offering your input. It's most appreciated!

LOL I know, after rereading it after posting I realized, hmmm... milky ways... unless you want to use poetic license and refer to the fantasy of it and the many milky ways of enchanting lands where dragon's make the midnight sky his playground. LOL (Either way whatever you do with that ending ... the poem is THUMBS UP!

I've decided to go ahead with the 'Milky Ways'! LOL And thanks for all your help!

Cathy

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Revision posted~ Please let me know what you think. *smiles*

Thank you!

Cathy

[jgdittier]

Dear Cathy,
Lyricism enhances by long lines and alliteration...
Masterful use of images too.
As you know I focus on the flow and I have some general comments or maybe questions.
It flows very nicely for me. I usually start with totally repetitive feet, allowing foot
substitutions only when I feel they are beneficial. I know no one who does this but I'd not
be surprised had you done so. As to "ebon", it flows perfectly to me.
I think the pas is a perfect choice and should be understandable to anyone arty enough
to read poetry.
In line 14 consider "gel" for "glow".
I'm a believer that poem endings should be especially vibrant. Here's my ending: (15-16)
Then morning light illumines paths through a star-struck Milky Way,
and imps succumb to sandman's itch of a warming sunlight ray.
Revision One
As morning light illumines paths through star-struck Milky Ways,
the imps succumb to sandman's itch of warming sunlight sway.

Take or don't, but you've a good one here!!!
Cheers, Ron jgd

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Dear Cathy,
Lyricism enhances by long lines and alliteration...
Masterful use of images too.

Thank you Ron!

As you know I focus on the flow and I have some general comments or maybe questions.
It flows very nicely for me. I usually start with totally repetitive feet, allowing foot
substitutions only when I feel they are beneficial. I know no one who does this but I'd not
be surprised had you done so.

*smiles* I think I have a time or two. Sometimes the syllable count for meter purposes just doesn't work or sound right and I will add something to smooth it out.

As to "ebon", it flows perfectly to me.
I think the pas is a perfect choice and should be understandable to anyone arty enough
to read poetry.

Thank you! I wasn't sure that 'pas' would work but the more I read it the more I like it~

In line 14 consider "gel" for "glow".

I like that! It blends well with carousel~ Thanks!

I'm a believer that poem endings should be especially vibrant. Here's my ending: (15-16)
Then morning light illumines paths through a star-struck Milky Way,
and imps succumb to sandman's itch of a warming sunlight ray.
Revision One
As morning light illumines paths through star-struck Milky Ways,
the imps succumb to sandman's itch of warming sunlight sway.

Hmmm... I'll give this some thought!

Take or don't, but you've a good one here!!!
Cheers, Ron jgd

Thank you Ron! That means a lot to me!

Cathy