Moments~Final Revision TY everyone, Written in 2004 Options

[AMETHYST]

~~~~~~Fourth Revision~~~~~~~~

I head home
after another chaotic
night of luna-driven
911 calls.
The car sputters -- stalls
on 441 at Winston Blvd,
a few feet
before my front door...

I check the mail, tally bills
and still I'm thirty cents short.
A long-winded sigh ... reminds me
of Joe Swanson, who lived
next door, before he lost his child,
his job ... his home.

I whisper, "Thank you."

Laundry piles block
our kitchen entry; dirty dishes cover
an unkempt counter ...
and the dog couldn't hold it
through the night.
He snuggles
his snout against my chest
demonstrating how unconditional love
ought to be.

The day is done.
I sneak a peek at Lauren,
watch her sleep-
her tiny fingers clenched
about Pooh's ear,
as adventures dance in her dreams.
Her gentle breath
rustles loose sheets,
tickles her nose stirring smiles.

She's a cherub child...
I sit and listen to the silence,
then whisper...


"Thank you Lord, you've blessed
my ordinary life with such extraordinary moments."





~~~~~~~Third Revision~~~~~~~~~


Exhausted; I head home
after another chaotic night
of luna-driven 911 calls
on the graveyard shift.
The car sputters -- stalls
on 441 at Winston Blvd,
a few feet before my front door...

I check the mail, tally the bills
and still I'm thirty cents short.
A long-winded sigh ... reminds me
of Joe Swanson, who lived
next door, before he lost his child,
his job ... his home.

I whisper, "Thank you"

Laundry piles block
our kitchen entry; dirty dishes cover
an unkempt counter ...
and the dog couldn't hold it
through the night.
He snuggles
his snout against my chest
demonstrating how unconditional love
ought to be.

The day is done.
I sneak a peek at Lauren,
watching her sleep-
her tiny fingers clenched
about Pooh's ear,
as adventures dance in her dreams.
Her gentle breath
rustles loose sheets,
tickles her nose stirring her smile.
She's a cherub child... I sit
and listen to the silence,
then whisper...


"Thank you Lord, you've blessed
my ordinary life with such extraordinary moments."



~~~~Second Revision~~~~~~

I head home, exhausted
from another chaotic night
of luna-driven 911 calls
on the graveyard shift.
The car sputters, then stalls
on 441 and Winston Blvd,
a few feet from my front door...

I whisper, "Thank You."

I check the mail, tally the bills
and still I'm thirty cents short.
A long-winded sigh...reminds me
of Joe Swanson, who used to live
next door, before he lost
his child, his job...his home.

I whisper, "Thank you"

The laundry's piled high, blocking
our kitchen entry; dirty dishes cover
an unkempt counter...
and the dog couldn't hold it
through the night. He snuggles
his snout against my chest
demonstrating unconditional love
and how it ought to be.

"I thank you!"

The day is done.
I sneak a peek at Lauren, watch her sleep-
her tiny fingers clenched
about Pooh's ear, while adventures
dance in her dreams. She breathes.
A gentle breath rustles loose sheets,
tickles her nose and makes her smile.
She's a cherub child... I sit
and listen to the silence, then whisper...

"Thank you Lord, you've blessed
my ordinary life with such extraordinary moments."




~~~~First Revision~~~~
After an evening
of characteristically chaotic
luna-driven calls
and ill willed 911 experiences
I leave work, exhausted,
and head home with dawn
drawning near. The car stalls
on 441 and Winston Blvd,
just feet from my front door...

I whisper, Thank You

I check the mail, tally the bills
and still I'm thirty cents short,
a long winded sigh reminds me
of Joe Swanson who used
to live next door,
before he lost
his child, his job...his home.

(I whisper, Thank you.)

Laundry piles block
the kitchen entry, dishes cover
the counter and the dog
couldn't hold it through the night.
He snuggles his snout
against my chest to show
how unconditional love
ought to be.

"I thank you."

My day is done, I sneak
a peek at Lauren, watch her sleep--
her tiny fingers clenched
about Pooh's ear, while adventures
dance in her dreams.
She breathes. A gentle breath
rustles loose sheets, tickles
her nose to make her smile.
She's a cherub child...

I listen to the silence,
and think, "Thank you Lord,
you've blessed my ordinary life
with such extraordinary moments.





~~~~Original~~~~~~~

I worked the midnight shift.
A characteristically chaotic evening
of Luna-driven calls
and ill willed 911
experiences.

Exhausted by dawn,
I begin heading home,
the car stalls
on 441 and Winston Blvd...
just a few feet
from the front door.

(I whisper, thank you.)

I check the mail, tally
the bills and still
I'm thirty-seven cents short,
a long drawn sigh...reminds
me of Joe Swanson who use to live
next door, that was before
he lost his child...
his job...his home.

(I whisper, Thank you.)

A pile of laundry blocks
the kitchen entry, dishes
cover the counter--The floor is wet,
which means the dog couldn't hold it
through the night.
He snuggles his snout
against my chest, to show
how unconditional love
ought to be.

(I Thank you...)

The day is done,
I sneak a peek
at Lauren, and watch her sleep.
Her tiny fingers clenched
about Pooh's ear
and the days adventures
dance in her dreams.

She breathes, a gentle
breath rustles
the loose sheets,
tickles her nose
and she smiles.
She's a cherub child...

I listen to the silence,
and think, "Thank you Lord,
you've blessed
this ordinary life
with such extraordinary moments.

This post has been edited by AMETHYST: Jan 30 07, 21:17

Reason for edit: Further Revisions 1/13/2007

[Eisa]

Hi Liz

I did enjoy reading this one -- don't think I've seen it before. I love the message here, that it is the simple things in life that we are blessed with -- meaning far more than money or posessions.

I think this just needs trimming back, with perhaps some rearranging of line endings. I would put the repeated lines with -- I thank you in italics.

I think I can best show you the changes I would suggest, by just writing them down here~


I worked the midnight shift --
a characteristic evening
of chaotic Luna-driven calls
and ill willed 911 experiences.

Exhausted by dawn,
I headed home,
the car stalls a few feet
from the front door.

I whisper, thank you.

I check the mail,
tally the bills
and still I'm thirty cents short,
a long drawn sigh
reminds me of Joe Swanson
who used to live next door,
before he lost his child,
his job and home.

I whisper, Thank you.

A pile of laundry
blocks the kitchen entry,
dishes cover the counter—
the floor is wet, meaning the dog
couldn't hold it through the night.
He snuggles against my chest,
showing how unconditional
love ought to be.

I Thank you...

The day is done,
I sneak a peek at Lauren,
watching her sleep.
Her tiny fingers
clenched about Pooh's ear
while the days adventures
dance in her dreams.

Her gentle breath rustles
the loose sheets,
tickles her nose
and she smiles.
She's a cherub child...

I listen to the silence,
thinking Thank you Lord,
you've blessed this ordinary life
with such extraordinary moments.


I'll be back if I have any more thoughts, Liz -- and look forward to your revision.

Snow

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Hi Liz,

This serves to remind us that even though we have daily stresses we have much to be thankful for. And sometimes it's the little things that will bring about a smile... such as watching a grandchild sleeping. *smiles*

A few suggestions for you to consider... use or lose!

Cathy

I worked the midnight shift.
A characteristically chaotic evening
of Luna-driven calls
and ill willed 911
experiences.

Maybe...

The midnight shift...
an evening of characteristic
chaotic Luna-driven calls
and ill-willed 911
experiences.

Exhausted by dawn,
I begin heading home,
the car stalls
on 441 and Winston Blvd...
just a few feet
from the[my] front door. For personalization...

(I whisper, thank you.) <Italics

I check the mail, tally
the bills and still[,] 'tally bills' on same line
I'm thirty-seven cents short{,}[;]
a long drawn sigh...reminds
me of Joe Swanson who use[d] to live
next door, that was before
he lost his child...
his job...his home.

(I whisper, Thank you.) <Italics

A pile of laundry blocks 'blocks' on next line
the kitchen entry, dishes 'dishes' on next line
cover the counter--The floor is wet,
which means the dog couldn't hold it
through the night. maybe reword...
He snuggles his snout
against my chest, to show
how unconditional love
ought to be.

(I Thank you...) <Italics

The day is done,
I sneak a peek
at Lauren, and watch her sleep{.}[...]
Her tiny fingers clenched
about Pooh's ear
and the days adventures
danc[ing]e in her dreams.

She breathes, a gentle
breath rustles
the loose sheets,
tickles her nose
and she[brings a] smiles.
She's a cherub child...

I listen to the silence,
and think, "Thank you Lord,
you've blessed
this[my] ordinary life
with such extraordinary moments.["]

Without all the clutter --


The midnight shift...
an evening of characterisic
chaotic Luna-driven calls
and ill-willed 911
experiences.

Exhausted by dawn,
I head home,
the car stalls
on 441 and Winston Blvd...
just a few feet
from my front door.

I whisper... thank you.

I check the mail,
tally bills and still,
I'm thirty-seven cents short;
a long drawn sigh...reminds
me of Joe Swanson who used to live
next door, that was before
he lost his child...
his job...his home.

I whisper... Thank you.

A pile of laundry
blocks the kitchen entry,
dishes cover the counter--
The floor is wet
cause Spot couldn't hold it
through the night.
He snuggles his snout
against my chest, to show
how unconditional love
ought to be.

I Thank you...

The day is done,
I sneak a peek
at Lauren, and watch her sleep...
her tiny fingers clenched
about Pooh's ear
and the days adventures
dancing in her dreams.

She breathes, a gentle
breath rustles
the loose sheets,
tickles her nose
and brings a smile.
She's a cherub child...

I listen to the silence,
and think, "Thank you Lord,
you've blessed
my ordinary life
with extraordinary moments."

[AMETHYST]

Hi Liz

Hi Snow,

I did enjoy reading this one -- don't think I've seen it before. I love the message here, that it is the simple things in life that we are blessed with -- meaning far more than money or posessions.

I think I posted it under the title 'Gratitude" back when I first wrote it.

I think this just needs trimming back, with perhaps some rearranging of line endings. I would put the repeated lines with -- I thank you in italics.


Yes. I think it is in dyer need of trimming and some freshening up. Good idea on the italics. I think in my original it was italic as well.

I think I can best show you the changes I would suggest, by just writing them down here~


I worked the midnight shift --
a characteristic evening
of chaotic Luna-driven calls
and ill willed 911 experiences.

Exhausted by dawn,
I headed home,
the car stalls a few feet
from the front door.

I was thinking either a comma after exhausted or repositioning exhausted after "I headed home" ... Hmmm... I will need to play with it. LOL

I whisper, thank you.

I check the mail,
tally the bills
and still I'm thirty cents short,
a long drawn sigh
reminds me of Joe Swanson
who used to live next door,
before he lost his child,
his job and home.

I like that you've omitted the seven in 37 cents. And have made it a simple, more exact amount.

I whisper, Thank you.

A pile of laundry
blocks the kitchen entry,
dishes cover the counter—
the floor is wet, meaning the dog
couldn't hold it through the night.
He snuggles against my chest,
showing how unconditional
love ought to be.

I Thank you...

The day is done,
I sneak a peek at Lauren,
watching her sleep.
Her tiny fingers
clenched about Pooh's ear
while the days adventures
dance in her dreams.

Her gentle breath rustles
the loose sheets,
tickles her nose
and she smiles.
She's a cherub child...

I listen to the silence,
thinking Thank you Lord,
you've blessed this ordinary life
with such extraordinary moments.





I'll be back if I have any more thoughts, Liz -- and look forward to your revision.

Snow

Thanks Snow, apologizes for not returning as quick as I wanted. The holidays really have me upside down! LOL

Hugs, Liz

[AMETHYST]

Hi Cathy, Sorry it took a bit before getting here with my reply, it has been a hectic few days and then some!

Yes, these are the best things in life, and sometimes it is the those so, so small little things we barely notice that are our biggest blessings. Good things work quietly in our lives...and the greatest blessings are those wonder of our children, grandchildren, family and most of all ... good friends.

Both your suggestions and Snows have lots of great places for me to weed and redirect the line and syntax. So I will be using both as a bouncing board to tighten this up.


Big Hugs and much Love, Liz

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Hi Liz,

I like the changes you've made. Just a couple of things... like a hyphen in a couple of spots and maybe a typo? Other than that you get your point across very well. Using your granddaughter's smile to show the effect of the 'little things' that bring joy to our lives is so sweet and works perfectly! You've drawn quite a contrast between the stress and the joys.

Cathy


After an evening
of characteristically chaotic
luna-driven calls
and ill[-]willed 911 experiences
I leave work, exhausted,
and head home with dawn
drawning near. The car stalls Do you mean 'drawing near...'?
on 441 and Winston Blvd,
just feet from my front door...

I whisper, Thank You

I check the mail, tally the bills
and still I'm thirty cents short,
a long[-]winded sigh reminds me
of Joe Swanson who used
to live next door,
before he lost
his child, his job...his home.

[Eisa]

Hi Liz -- A good revision here.

Just a few thoughts~

~~~~First Revision~~~~
After an evening
of characteristically chaotic
luna-driven calls
and ill willed 911 experiences
I leave work, exhausted,
and head home with dawn
drawning near. The car stalls
on 441 and Winston Blvd,
just feet from my front door...

I still find it difficult to get my tongue around the 'characteristically chaotic' -- perhaps it's me. What about ~

After a chaotic evening
of characteristicly
luna-driven calls

L7 -- typo 'drawing'

I whisper, Thank You

I check the mail, tally the bills
and still I'm thirty cents short,
a long winded sigh reminds me
of Joe Swanson who used
to live next door,
before he lost
his child, his job...his home.

L3 -- a hyphen in 'long-winded'?

I whisper, Thank you.

Laundry piles block
the kitchen entry, dishes cover
the counter and the dog
couldn't hold it through the night.
He snuggles his snout
against my chest to show
how unconditional love
ought to be.

I thank you

My day is done, I sneak
a peek at Lauren, watch her sleep-
her tiny fingers clenched
about Pooh's ear, while adventures
dance in her dreams.
She breathes. A gentle breath
rustles loose sheets, tickles
her nose to make her smile.
She's a cherub child...

I listen to the silence,
and think, "Thank you Lord,
you've blessed my ordinary life
with such extraordinary moments.

L2 -- typo ... finish speech marks ... "Thank you Lord"


Hugs Snow

[AMETHYST]

Hey girls,

Thank you both, I haven't forgotten this yet, I have been mulling over some possible revisions and will return to you both when I know what will be used and what direction I might go with it.

Hugs, Liz

[AMETHYST]

Hi Cathy,

Thank you. There is still some changes in the works and I am about to post the next step in its revision, with hopes it brings me all that much closer to its potential. Lauren smile I think was what stirred this poem. That little laugh while she sleeps, so precious and so amazing.

As for drawing, yes...It was a typo.! LOL

Hope to hear your thoughts on the revision!

Big Hugs, Liz

Hi Liz,

I like the changes you've made. Just a couple of things... like a hyphen in a couple of spots and maybe a typo? Other than that you get your point across very well. Using your granddaughter's smile to show the effect of the 'little things' that bring joy to our lives is so sweet and works perfectly! You've drawn quite a contrast between the stress and the joys.

Cathy


After an evening
of characteristically chaotic
luna-driven calls
and ill[-]willed 911 experiences
I leave work, exhausted,
and head home with dawn
drawning near. The car stalls Do you mean 'drawing near...'?
on 441 and Winston Blvd,
just feet from my front door...

I whisper, Thank You

I check the mail, tally the bills
and still I'm thirty cents short,
a long[-]winded sigh reminds me
of Joe Swanson who used
to live next door,
before he lost
his child, his job...his home.

[AMETHYST]

Hey Snow,

Thanks for the additional feedback, some good points too. Below is some thoughts...

Hugs, Liz

Hi Liz -- A good revision here.

Just a few thoughts~

~~~~First Revision~~~~
After an evening
of characteristically chaotic
luna-driven calls
and ill willed 911 experiences
I leave work, exhausted,
and head home with dawn
drawning near. The car stalls
on 441 and Winston Blvd,
just feet from my front door...

I still find it difficult to get my tongue around the 'characteristically chaotic' -- perhaps it's me. What about ~

I've been thinking about replacing characteristically with something shorter, yet still hard stress to accent the sense of chaos...


After a chaotic evening
of characteristicly
luna-driven calls

L7 -- typo 'drawing'

yes, this is a typo

I whisper, Thank You

I check the mail, tally the bills
and still I'm thirty cents short,
a long winded sigh reminds me
of Joe Swanson who used
to live next door,
before he lost
his child, his job...his home.

L3 -- a hyphen in 'long-winded'?

I whisper, Thank you.

Laundry piles block
the kitchen entry, dishes cover
the counter and the dog
couldn't hold it through the night.
He snuggles his snout
against my chest to show
how unconditional love
ought to be.

I thank you

My day is done, I sneak
a peek at Lauren, watch her sleep-
her tiny fingers clenched
about Pooh's ear, while adventures
dance in her dreams.
She breathes. A gentle breath
rustles loose sheets, tickles
her nose to make her smile.
She's a cherub child...

I listen to the silence,
and think, "Thank you Lord,
you've blessed my ordinary life
with such extraordinary moments.

L2 -- typo ... finish speech marks ... "Thank you Lord"


Hugs Snow

Lots of typo's ! LOL ...

I will be posting that new reivsion now, hope it works...

Hugs, Liz

[JustDaniel]

Sheesh! I was nearly completely finished commenting on this wonderful piece, Liz... when I got a PM from you. I didn't realize that my reading it would not open a NEW window, but would overwrite this one... and I lost EVERYTHING.

Let me try once more before I head home... where I ought be already. I think I'll feel like this poem when I get there, 'cause Gary I think is tearing out the whole ceiling in our utility room, so it's gonna be a mess when I walk in... but the betroom with be quiet with Eileen, and Gary will probably be about to go to sleep in the room I will pass through with the computer in it... I hope... 'cause if he's not, he's likely to be hypomanic, and I'm not ready for that just now.

Anyhow, back to your poem specifically with a few minor suggestions:

I head home, exhausted
from another chaotic night
of luna-driven 911 calls
[ I assume that 'luna' is in reference to full moon; is there a possibility of slipping in 'full' somehow ? ]
on the graveyard shift.
The car stutters, then stalls
off of 441 at and Winston Blvd,
a few feet from my front door...

(I whisper, Thank You)
[ I think it might be more effective if you'd only italicize the words whispered, both here and... ]

I check the mail, tally the bills
and still I'm thirty cents short.
A long[-]winded sigh(,)[...] reminds me
of Joe Swanson, who used to live
next door, before he lost
his child, his job... his home.

(I whisper, Thank you.) [... here too ]

The laundry's piled high[,] blocking
our kitchen entry[;] (,) dirty dishes cover
an unkempt counter[...]
and the dog couldn't hold it
through the night. He snuggles
his snout against my chest
demonstrating unconditional love
and how it ought to be.

(I "Thank you[."] )

The day is done.
I sneak a peek at Lauren, watch her sleep--
her tiny fingers clenched
about Pooh's ear, while adventures
dance in her dreams. She breathes.
A gentle breath rustles loose sheets,
tickles her nose and makes her smile.
She's a cherub child... I sit
and I listen to the silence, then whisper...

"Thank you Lord,
you've blessed my ordinary life
with such extraordinary moments."

Extraordinarily beautiful end to a hectic ordinary day of crises, panics, 'happenings', mishaps and the relief of coming back home to the chaos of an ordinary home with ordinary difficulties and snags and extraordinary ordinariness and blessings.

deLighting to read, Daniel

[AMETHYST]

Sheesh! I was nearly completely finished commenting on this wonderful piece, Liz... when I got a PM from you. I didn't realize that my reading it would not open a NEW window, but would overwrite this one... and I lost EVERYTHING.

Let me try once more before I head home... where I ought be already. I think I'll feel like this poem when I get there, 'cause Gary I think is tearing out the whole ceiling in our utility room, so it's gonna be a mess when I walk in... but the betroom with be quiet with Eileen, and Gary will probably be about to go to sleep in the room I will pass through with the computer in it... I hope... 'cause if he's not, he's likely to be hypomanic, and I'm not ready for that just now.

Hi Daniel,
I've done that too many times to mention! And it always happens when I'm running out of time and I've put a lot into (usually too much too remember it all) then the critique becomes half of what it was and lacks many of the reasoning and finer points of my thoughts. If I have them on occasion!

Yes, then you will be walking into what I had going on when I wrote that... it was during preparation for a move, I was doing a lot of over time to make some ends meet and of course, nothing else was getting done... so ...

I have noted your suggestions. I had send you a pm asking you for your thoughts knowing my punctuation is not what is should be ... and who else but my Punctuation patrol should I ask! smile...

I am off now to make the minor changes and hope to see a great improvement in the poem. Then I will consider it ready (at least, till next time! )

Best Regards to your family as well... Liz

[JustDaniel]

Hey, Liz...

I'm pleased, then, that I grasped the contextual pathos of your piece... and that I could be of some punctual assistance.

deLighting to share, Daniel

[AMETHYST]

Ah... Very helpful indeed! Thank you.

I am hoping the present revision has made the intended improvements...

Best Regards, Liz

[JustDaniel]

Just a minor note or two...

In section two, there should be a space after each of the ellipses like... this.

I forgot to ask WHO or WHAT is the gentle breath following Lauren's breathing in the final section. "A" breath leaves me wondering... or is that intentional? If so, if feels a bit strange and unnecessarily esoteric ? I'd like to know your intention there ?

Lightly nit-pickin', Daniel

[Eisa]

Hi Liz

Wow -- this has shaped up very nicely since I last looked! I have looked through Daniel's excellent suggestions and don't know whether I have anything else to offer. (where would we be without Daniel's help in punctuation?)


I head home, exhausted
from another chaotic night
of luna-driven 911 calls
on the graveyard shift.
The car sputters, then stalls
on 441 and Winston Blvd,
a few feet from my front door...

A more concise way of writing L5 -- perhaps

The car sputters -- stalls
on 441 at Winston Blvd

I whisper, "Thank You."

I like Daniel's suggestion here of only using italics for 'thank you' Excellent idea.

I check the mail, tally the bills
and still I'm thirty cents short.
A long-winded sigh...reminds me
of Joe Swanson, who used to live
next door, before he lost
his child, his job...his home.

Perhaps L5

of Joe Swanson, who lived
next door ........

I whisper, "Thank you"

[Daniel's suggestion again]

The laundry's piled high, blocking
our kitchen entry; dirty dishes cover
an unkempt counter...
and the dog couldn't hold it
through the night. He snuggles
his snout against my chest
demonstrating unconditional love
and how it ought to be.

I'm not sure that the last line here is necessary and feel it would read well without it.Or rewrite as something like~

................He snuggles
his snout against my chest
demonstrating how unconditional love
ought to be.


"I thank you!"

The day is done.
I sneak a peek at Lauren, watch her sleep-
her tiny fingers clenched
about Pooh's ear, while adventures
dance in her dreams. She breathes.
A gentle breath rustles loose sheets,
tickles her nose and makes her smile.
She's a cherub child... I sit
and listen to the silence, then whisper...

I think a slight change in light breaks might accentuate certain points better. Perhaps ~

The day is done.
I sneak a peek at Lauren,
watching her sleep-
her tiny fingers clenched
about Pooh's ear;
adventures dance in her dreams.
Her gentle breath
rustles loose sheets,
tickles her nose making her smile.
She's a cherub child... I sit
and listen to the silence,
then whisper...

"Thank you Lord, you've blessed
my ordinary life with such extraordinary moments."



perhaps ~

"Thank you Lord,
you've blessed my ordinary life
with such extraordinary moments."


I really love this ending!



Liz -- this is a poem most ordinary people can relate to ... it's the little things in life that are the greatest and make our life worth while.

Hugs Snow

[Cyn]

Hi Liz
Love the sentiment in this piece.
I have a few ideas.

I wonder if you could put your refrain in the title and refrain from the refrain, so in effect the title would be your last line. Example:

Thank You Lord for These Moments

Exhausted from another chaotic night
of luna-driven 911 calls
on the graveyard shift,
the car sputters, then stalls
on 441 and Winston Blvd,
a few feet from my front door.

I check the mail, tally the bills
and still I'm thirty cents short.
A long-winded sigh...reminds me
I'm not Joe Swanson, who used to live
next door, before he lost
his child, his job, his home.

The laundry's piled high, blocking
our kitchen entry; dirty dishes,
an unkempt counter...
and the dog couldn't hold it
through the night. He snuggles
his snout against my chest,
unconditional love.

I sneak a peek at Lauren, watch her sleep-
tiny fingers clenched
about Pooh's ear. She breathes
a gentle breath, rustles loose sheets
that tickle her nose and make her smile.
I listen to the silence, and whisper...

[AMETHYST]

Just a minor note or two...

In section two, there should be a space after each of the ellipses like... this.

I forgot to ask WHO or WHAT is the gentle breath following Lauren's breathing in the final section. "A" breath leaves me wondering... or is that intentional? If so, if feels a bit strange and unnecessarily esoteric ? I'd like to know your intention there ?

Lightly nit-pickin', Daniel

Hello Daniel,

I will make that edit in a bit, thank you for pointing it out. As for the gentle breath, it should actually read as Snow put in her example of her most recent critique. And that too, I shall be making the change in a bit.

Thanks for bringing it to my attention, appreciate it!

Best Regards, Liz

[AMETHYST]

Hi Liz

Hi Snow,

You have put in such quality time and effort into helping me make this poem into something and I thank you so very much.


Wow -- this has shaped up very nicely since I last looked! I have looked through Daniel's excellent suggestions and don't know whether I have anything else to offer. (where would we be without Daniel's help in punctuation?)

With help! Yes, his suggestions all came in handy and really brought this up to a highter quality.

I head home, exhausted
from another chaotic night
of luna-driven 911 calls
on the graveyard shift.
The car sputters, then stalls
on 441 and Winston Blvd,
a few feet from my front door...

A more concise way of writing L5 -- perhaps

The car sputters -- stalls
on 441 at Winston Blvd

Yes. I will be making this change too! Thanks Snow

I whisper, "Thank You."

I like Daniel's suggestion here of only using italics for 'thank you' Excellent idea.

I check the mail, tally the bills
and still I'm thirty cents short.
A long-winded sigh...reminds me
of Joe Swanson, who used to live
next door, before he lost
his child, his job...his home.

Perhaps L5

of Joe Swanson, who lived
next door ........


Much better. Again, this is something I will also be using!

I whisper, "Thank you"

[Daniel's suggestion again]

The laundry's piled high, blocking
our kitchen entry; dirty dishes cover
an unkempt counter...
and the dog couldn't hold it
through the night. He snuggles
his snout against my chest
demonstrating unconditional love
and how it ought to be.

I'm not sure that the last line here is necessary and feel it would read well without it.Or rewrite as something like~

................He snuggles
his snout against my chest
demonstrating how unconditional love
ought to be.


"I thank you!"

The day is done.
I sneak a peek at Lauren, watch her sleep-
her tiny fingers clenched
about Pooh's ear, while adventures
dance in her dreams. She breathes.
A gentle breath rustles loose sheets,
tickles her nose and makes her smile.
She's a cherub child... I sit
and listen to the silence, then whisper...

I think a slight change in light breaks might accentuate certain points better. Perhaps ~

The day is done.
I sneak a peek at Lauren,
watching her sleep-
her tiny fingers clenched
about Pooh's ear;
adventures dance in her dreams.
Her gentle breath
rustles loose sheets,
tickles her nose making her smile.
She's a cherub child... I sit
and listen to the silence,
then whisper...

"Thank you Lord, you've blessed
my ordinary life with such extraordinary moments."



perhaps ~

"Thank you Lord,
you've blessed my ordinary life
with such extraordinary moments."


I really love this ending!



Liz -- this is a poem most ordinary people can relate to ... it's the little things in life that are the greatest and make our life worth while.

Hugs Snow

Im so glad that the main ingredient for the poem comes through. I was feeling like that the day I wrote it... just all those good things that often get over looked because of the non-sense things just get in the way!

And it is written for and in the voice of the ordinary, every day kind of person!

Hugs, liz

[AMETHYST]

Hi Cyn

Thank you for stopping by. I will have to think on your suggestion regarding the title. I do think the title could be more intense, I originally had titled this Gratitude, but felt it was too ... expected.

I think (at least 2) the refrains intensify a couple of the comparesons of bad/good. I will be thinking on it though --

Hugs Liz ...

Hi Liz
Love the sentiment in this piece.
I have a few ideas.

I wonder if you could put your refrain in the title and refrain from the refrain, so in effect the title would be your last line. Example:

Thank You Lord for These Moments

Exhausted from another chaotic night
of luna-driven 911 calls
on the graveyard shift,
the car sputters, then stalls
on 441 and Winston Blvd,
a few feet from my front door.

I check the mail, tally the bills
and still I'm thirty cents short.
A long-winded sigh...reminds me
I'm not Joe Swanson, who used to live
next door, before he lost
his child, his job, his home.

The laundry's piled high, blocking
our kitchen entry; dirty dishes,
an unkempt counter...
and the dog couldn't hold it
through the night. He snuggles
his snout against my chest,
unconditional love.

I sneak a peek at Lauren, watch her sleep-
tiny fingers clenched
about Pooh's ear. She breathes
a gentle breath, rustles loose sheets
that tickle her nose and make her smile.
I listen to the silence, and whisper...