A Changing World, Sonnet : Crown Jewel Award Options

[jgdittier]

A Changing World


Throughout all time a constant force be change ("be" was "is")
From what was naught to what now be, and back. "
A gamut and a half, the world will range...
Extend the arc beyond the circle's track...
What's new becomes what's old and back again
As curves like waves assigned their title , "sine".
Let clouds condense and oceans fill with rain,
Then sun be fanned and send its firey shine.
Once man appeared and wrought the written word,
Recording ever since its changing ways.
Were all a day, no minute yet's occurred
And crazes come and go as "just a phase".
In current times the tide has banished form.
In years to come, I wonder which be norm.

My intention here was to write in the style of yore, when sonnets were more popular.
Thus the caps, the incomplete sentances and the "be" for "is". Can we improve it while retaining its old time sound?

Note-Apr. 5- changed "is" to "be" for consistency - intent is to retain the sound of
our honored heritage - thanks for the suggestion

[Alan]

Dear Ron,

To my inexpert eye this is not bad at all. You might like to replace the first 2 x is with be ?

Love
Alan

[Maggie]

Hi, I very much like your sonnet with thought provoking questions and observations!!! I do notice that your last line seems to stop without the rhythm found throughout the rest of the piece. It's almost as if you were thinking of more than you have room for in that line. I have a poem I wrote a long time ago in which the same thing occurred. Never have been able to fix it.

Again, I like the poem very much. Oh, and the archaic words fit your thoughts very well!!!!! Nice touch!

Peggy

[Psyche]

Hi Ron!

This is very, very good. Altho' I can't write a good sonnet myself, I certainly recognize one.
And, of course, I've lived long enough to appreciate the styles of yore...LOL...

L1 & 2 are an especially good introduction to your subject. I like the notion of eternal return, meaning -I understand- that change is apparent but only superficially so. From 'naught' to 'what is now', then back to 'naught' again....

But then -I'm still conjecturing- you've introduced a notion based on maths:

Extend the arc beyond the circle's track... Is this a wish that things would go off on a tangent, introducing the unknown, untried, un-explored? Dunno...seems so to me.

What's new becomes what's old and back again
As curves like waves assigned their title , "sine".

It seems to me like a wonderfully metaphoric and philosophical piece. The more I read it, the more I'm led to reflect on these issues. As old Aristotle said, a poet expresses in a few lines what a Philosopher has to fill tomes to deduce and explain.

I'm not so sure about more 'be's' in L1 & 2. On the other hand, I agree with Peggy that your last line seems to 'fall down' a tad...LOL... even tho' it's actually perfect. Don't know how to explain it, but if I had to make a graph, that last L would be taking a plunge, rather like Wall Street stocks....

You most certanly can retain the beautiful old form, whatever changes, if any, you decide to introduce, Ron. Says little old me, humbly...

Cheers, Syl ***[/b]

[jgdittier]

Dear Alan,
My two muses disagree over using the one or three substitutions. I've been 55-45 and will make the changes unless there is a groundswell of different opinion yet to come.
Thanks for the thought.

Dear Peggy,
I'm not sure regarding your comment re the length of the last line. Could you please throw a little more light on it.
Thanks for the comment.


Dear Psyche,
I suppose this piece could have been titled "What goes around, comes around". In mentioning extending the arc I intended to suggest the beginning of a repeat cycle. I never thought of the tangent but now I'm aware others might too. I wonder how I would have interpreted this piece had someone else written it?!
I'm hoping for more comment.
Cheers to all, Ron jgd

[Cleo_Serapis]

Congrats Ron on your crown jewel award winning tile (nominated by Sylvia)!

Well done!

~Cleo


p.s. I look forward to reading and offering feedback on this lovely poem soon!

[Maggie]

Hi Ron,

Congratulations on the well-deserved award!!!!! The more I read this sonnet, the more I appreciate its fine artistry!!!!!

After reading and re-reading the last couplet over a good many more times I can't for the life of me see what made me think it didn't scan well!!!! Sorry, but I think I steered you wrong!!!!! I do see a punctuation error in the couplet, however. Now this I'm sure about!!! "Wonder" is the principal verb in the sentence and as such never initiates or indicates a question, so you're simply stating a fact-that you "wonder." Thus, you need a period to end the sonnet. Sorry I missed this!! In no way does it detract from the wonderful work you have done here.

Peggy

[jgdittier]

Dear All,
I never anticipated that this piece would merit such praise!
I thank you all for reading it as that was the enabling step,
for the punctuation correction and is there anyone else who will step in between my two muses, La and Il, with a thought about the is/be issue.
Cheers, Ron jgd (La & Il)

[Maggie]

Hi Ron,

Personally, I think it's better to be consistent. You have 2 "is"es and 1 "be." Since the rest of the poem uses archaic language so beautifully, I'd make the rest archaic too, so I'd go for 3 "be"es.

Peggy

[jgdittier]

Dear Peggy,
I'll go with you and Alan!!!
I have always been an advocate of the value of repetition in R&M poetry.
My problem has been inadequate confidence in my own style.
I know my style will always be a small minority one, but I'm not looking to please the world. Your pat on my back is precious!
Cheers, Ron jgd

[Psyche]

Hi Ron!
Don't even dream of changing the name of your sonnet, please! I know you're jus' kiddin'....

Sorry, I have a mathematical sort of mind and this time it zoomed in on your "extending the arc beyond the circle's track" line. Never mind, it makes it more enigmatic, as if the poet were pondering an escape from eternal rebound. Certainly needs no change!

Dear Psyche,
I suppose this piece could have been titled "What goes around, comes around". In mentioning extending the arc I intended to suggest the beginning of a repeat cycle. I never thought of the tangent but now I'm aware others might too. I wonder how I would have interpreted this piece had someone else written it?!
I'm hoping for more comment.
Cheers to all, Ron jgd

Now, concerning the ''is' and 'be' issue, I'm afraid I shall have to be the 'excluded third party', that's to say, in discord with your other highly helpful critiquers...LOL....

Throughout all time a constant force is change
From what was naught to what now is, and back.

IMHO, archaic language covers a number of centuries, so that what Shakespeare might have used to great advantage, doesn't necessarily mean that other sonneteers copied in more recent times. I have just been reading some of Elizabeth Barrett Browning's work, and somehow she manages to avoid that sort of problem altogether. I also peeped at William Blake and had no luck finding the troublesome 'be'...

I honestly think that L1 and 2 should stay as written, especially as L2 would look rather forced.


"Throughout all time a constant force be change
From what was naught to what be now, and back". Hmmmm...takes getting used to!

I don't think there's any need to achieve perfect coordination, the idea is for it to sound good.
Strangely enough, and as I already said, the last line is deftly written, but for some reason it seems to take a dive in rhythm, or lilt, tho' I can't put my finger on the problem.

Oh my, Ron, your sonnet is lovely, I'm sorry to be such a nuisance. But you did ask for further comments, and this is all I can come up with. Toss or take!

Hope more people drop in here!

Cheers, Sylvia

[jgdittier]

Dear Sylvia,
Your desire to help me make the best of "A Changing World" is so obvious, heartfelt and appreciated that I'm almost ready to make the change just to please you. I'm still 55-45 re the is/be choice but can't beat it to death.
I've been active now for over 7 years and at war with myself as to whether I'm best writing light, writing in yore style, turning to seriousness, pleasing me, my readers or my muses.
The one thing I'm not confused about is those who care about what I write and that's what keeps me going. Please do remain one of my braintrust.
Cheers, Ron jgd

[Psyche]

Hi Ron!

Hey, no changing nothin' to please me...LOL...

I may show a heartfelt desire to help you improve your poem, but I'm just a 'learner'...Ya know, I tried teaching English long ago, to Argentine children, but I realized pretty soon that I'm not a teacher at heart, never was my vocation! I'm better, I hope, at learning...

I've been active now for over 7 years and at war with myself as to whether I'm best writing light, writing in yore style, turning to seriousness, pleasing me, my readers or my muses.
The one thing I'm not confused about is those who care about what I write and that's what keeps me going. Please do remain one of my braintrust.

Dear me, Ron, you're certainly at war! Let's see:

1. Please yourself.
2. Pleasing yourself doesn't rule out pleasing others, even capricious muses.
3. 'Yore style' pleases a lot of the people most of the time...or whatever! Remember, Western population is growing older... LOL...
4. Seriousness can still be in 'yore style'. And some lightness can be incorporated in the form of memories of the good times shared, rays of light from past funny events, or even future hopes of re-encounters in another world. Not truly 'light', but one doesn't want to make readers shy away, does one, with dense sort of works?
5. Hope this helps!

Now I've spent nearly 2 hours having a good time at MM, instead of translating to get $$$$....

Cheers, Sylvia ***

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Ron,

I enjoyed your 'changing world'! Unfortunately, it is becoming harder and harder not to change, one must do it to 'fit in' these days in our generations. I often say, change is good, but there are times when I like the old ways still. One of them is reading and writing like the bards of yore as you so well state.

I've offered some ideas for you below and will post it underneath will the suggestions so you can see it visually. As always, take or toss as you wish.

Cheers
~Cleo


Throughout all time a constant force be change
From what was naught to what now be, and back. " —what’s this quote for?
A gamut and a half, the world will range...
Extend the arc beyond the circle's track... Suggest changing to an endstop here
What's new becomes what's old and back again
As curves like waves assigned their title , "sine". Suggest changing to ‘assign’ to keep tense proper, move the comma one space closer to ‘title’, suggest deleting quotes and using italics instead. Another idea is: ‘as wavy curves assign’
Let clouds condense and oceans fill with rain,
Then sun be fanned and send its firey shine. -- typo: s/b fiery, flip and and then around
Once man appeared and wrought the written word, tense – perhaps: Once man appears, he’ll wreak the written word,
Recording ever since its changing ways. How about: since enmasse
Were all a day, no minute yet's occurred
And crazes come and go as "just a phase". suggest deleting quotes and using italics instead.
In current times the tide has banished form. Alt: present day or modern times
In years to come, I wonder which be norm. Alt: in future years

Personally, I think it sounds better with ‘is’ in L1, L2 and L14. You could also say ‘changed’ in L1 and then a slight replacement of ‘world’s been ranged’.


Without all the edit marks:

Throughout all time a constant force is changed
From what was naught to what now is, and back.
A gamut and a half, the world's been ranged...
Extend the arc beyond the circle's track.
What's new becomes what's old and back again
As wavy curves assign their title, sine.
Let clouds condense and oceans fill with rain,
and sun be fanned then send its fiery shine.
Once man appears, he'll wreak the written word,
Recording since enmasse its changing ways.
Were all a day, no minute yet's occurred
And crazes come and go as just a phase.
In modern times the tide has banished form.
In future years, I wonder which is norm.