In Rion's Eye : The Vyphron, Part III [Rev 3, 10 May], Heptameter ~ inspired by a story idea Options

[Cleo_Serapis]

Please read Parts I and II first of this continuing saga by clicking here and here. The inspiration for this strange poetic effort is a novel (fantasy) I'm writing about a journey that seven races must take to an ancient, mythological place called Rion. Time is the enemy is this one. While my poetic efforts borrow from my thoughts on the story development, it is not the same conflict or resolution. It's just the inspiration behind Rion's Eye.

In Rion’s Eye : The Vyphron, Part III
Revision 4 - thanks Liz!


Vyphron is a race of dragons, also known as Nunnos in ancient times, who have dramatically changed their 'ways' over time and are bent on killing humanoid races. Kalorys is the dragon prince who has other ideas for what has become of his race. Brellanine is a race of pixie-like beings, very small in size, but very powerful when they put to use their best asset, the glitter (magical dust). Taneia is the pixie queen who is mature beyond her years and strives to bring peace back to their known world. Her premonitions guide her actions. Rion is the imaginary world they live in personified.





I see in Vyphron’s dragon prince a hint of discontent
despite his need to please the ones he’s vowed to represent.
It’s rumored that the time has come to tame the virile urge
inbred among each vanquisher; a secret will emerge.

I see in Vyphron’s dragon prince a plan to resurrect
their higher name abandoned by his most repugnant sect.
Kalorys views the Nunnos pride with guarded reverence;
a race of strength and self-respect known for noteworthy sense.

I see in Vyphron’s dragon prince compassion of the heart,
a trait not seen among his kind, whose acts set him apart.
He does not need the glitter dust to join with Brellanine
for deep within he shares the dream; Taneia’s trust design.

I see in Vyphron’s dragon prince a goal too great to clutch --
and watch the paradigms unfold through talon’s mighty touch.

***To be continued***

Copyright © Lorraine M Kanter 10 May 2008
All rights reserved as an unpublished work


1st revision: 17 Feb 2008
S1L4 was : he’s known to represent
S3L3 was : the ancient name wittingly lost

2nd Revision: 24 Feb 2008
was:
It’s rumored that the time has come
to tame the virile urge
inbred among the warriors;
a secret will emerge.

3rd Revision: 10 May 2008 - TY JLY, Larry & Jim!
was:
I see in Vyphron’s dragon prince
a hint of discontent,
despite his need to please the ones
he’s vowed to represent.

It’s rumored that the time has come
to tame the virile urge
inbred among the vanquishers;
a secret will emerge.

I see in Vyphron’s dragon prince
a plan to resurrect
their bygone name abolished: lost
to his repulsive sect.

Kalori views the Nunnos pride
with guarded relevance;
a race of strength and self-respect
known for noteworthy sense.

I see in Vyphron’s dragon prince
a weakness of the heart,
a trait not shared among his kind
whose acts, he sets apart.

He does not need the glitter dust
to befriend Brellanine
for deep within he shares the dream;
Taneia’s trust design.

I see in Vyphron’s dragon prince
a goal too great to clutch --
and watch the paradigms unfold
through talon’s mighty touch.

4th revision: 10 May 2008 - thanks Jim!

I see in Vyphron’s dragon prince a hint of discontent,
despite his need to please the ones he’s vowed to represent.
It’s rumored that the time has come to tame the virile urge
inbred among the vanquishers; a secret will emerge.

I see in Vyphron’s dragon prince a plan to resurrect
their higher name abandoned by his most repugnant sect.
Kalori views the Nunnos pride with guarded reverence;
a race of strength and self-respect known for noteworthy sense.

I see in Vyphron’s dragon prince compassion of the heart,
a trait not shared among his kind, whose acts he sets apart.
He does not need the glitter dust to join with Brellanine
for deep within he shares the dream; Taneia’s trust design.

I see in Vyphron’s dragon prince a goal too great to clutch --
and watch the paradigms unfold through talon’s mighty touch.

This post has been edited by Cleo_Serapis: Jun 26 12, 15:36

Reason for edit: Name change: Kalori to Kalorys

[JLY]

Lori,

I am enjoying this continuing saga and Act 3 / Part 3 holds up well to its predecessors. The only comment I have is that I found that the flow stumbled a bit in these highlighed lines:

I see in Vyphron’s dragon prince
a plan to resurrect
the ancient name wittingly lost
to his repulsive sect.

I have read L3 over and over and it just doesn't seem to have the lilting bounce of the other lines and stanzas. I think "wittingly" is what causes me to stumble. Is there only one name or multiple names? If muliple, you could change it to
ancient names wittingly lost

JLY

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi John,

Thanks so much for stopping in! I'm glad this one is holding up well in comparison. Kalori is going to be an interesting, pivotal character in the novel. Yes, I too, am not happy with the word choices in the line you mention:
the ancient name wittingly lost

What I'm trying to express is that the name of the dragon race has been changed over time, it was Nunnos, when they were a social, friendly race and then due to a revolt of sorts, the stronger, warrior sect took control and decided to try and 'hide' the name, thinking they could hide who they really were and what they have become - viscious killers. They now call themselves 'The Vyphron'.

What do you think of these alternates below?


I see in Vyphron’s dragon prince
a plan to resurrect
the former name that’s gone astray
to his repulsive sect.


I see in Vyphron’s dragon prince
a plan to resurrect
the ancient name that’s gone astray
to his repulsive sect.

Do either of these smooth the bumps and make more sense?
Cheers
~Cleo

[JLY]

Lori,
I wouldn't use the word "ancient" as it is somewhat redundant....we know of the period you are writing about; I am not crazy about the word "former". I just think there is a better word choice sitting out there somewhere.

I will give it some thought.

JLY

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi John,

Thanks for popping back in! I think bygone would work in place of ancient? But I'm not sure the new edit of line is 'perfect' yet:

I see in Vyphron’s dragon prince
a plan to resurrect
the bygone name that’s gone astray
to his repulsive sect.

Hmmm - it's more like the warrior sect had abolished the old name, exiled it. So maybe:
their bygone name abolished: lost
to his repulsive sect?

OR

their bygone name extinguished: lost
to his repulsive sect?

I think we're getting close! Incidentally, I spent a good portion of our Vegas/Houston and Houston/Boston flights yesterday writing handwritten notes about the 'back-stories' of each race for the novel. It takes me so long to formulate my ideas to the written page though, I only added 1.5 pages, but it's progress!

The races yet to come are also very unique (in this story): The Atauri (primary race - very technologically dependent), the Cellecrum (clones of the primary race), the L'mentals (utilizes the elements of water, fire, air, earth), the Kreegh (nocturnal vultures), the Inat (panther-like beings that can change size), the Garon (a primitive race with a hidden secret) and finally, the Nessekrien (the residents of the Metropolis of Rion, the place where the journey ends).

I have it planned that each 'road' encompasses a new territory and new race for the Atauri to travel; Brellanine, Inat, Cellecrum, Vyphron, L'mentals, Kreegh and Garon. The Nessekrien race is the destination.

Cheers,
~Cleo

[JLY]

Lori,
Abolished is better than extinquished (too much of a mouthful).
JLY

PS: Keep jotting donw your notes whenever you can.

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hey John,

I agree, just needed your nod there!

Thanks, may write more today and turn my notes into the outline (or least make headway with it).

Happy Sunday! Looks like we picked the right week to travel to warmer climates! It's pretty snowy still here in Stow, our walkway is a yuckway mix of snow then ice on top. Hope it melts away soon, LOL! Tonight, mroe rain and wind...

HUGS
Lori

[Cleo_Serapis]

Image added this morning of Kilori.

I took this picture at a dragon store in Las Vegas recently, wish I bought it!

Enjoy!

[Larry]

Lori,

I've read all three parts a number of times and am enthralled with your fantasy world and your fantastic effort. Please post "IV" soon. I can't wait to read it.

I have only one tiny nit. Part III/S2/L3 is the only variation of measure. It is short one syl. I wouldn't think of suggesting what to use but feel something is necessary.

Absolutely fantastic!

Thank you for letting us tiptoe through your world.

Larry

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hello Larry,

Thanks for stopping in and letting me know you are enjoying my story. What a nice compliment! I'll work on part IV soon, perhaps today. I just can't decide if I should limit the poetic efforts to just these two races or include all nine? I'd have 9 parts of introductions before getting to the 'story', LOL!

I wonder if the variation is 'location' oriented? Just to confirm, you are referring to this below?

inbred among the warriors;

I view warriors as 3 sylls: war/ri/or but I think you might say it like 'War/yer' in the Louisiana dialect?

Perhaps a sub. to this might eliminate the dialect differences?

It’s rumored that the time has come
to tame the virile urge
inbred among the vanquishers;
a secret will emerge.

It would still maintain my meaning, the warriors are the ones who have vanquished the old name. Wahtcha think?

~Cleo

[Larry]

Hi Lori,

You are, of course, correct in your dialectical assesment of my "Suthun Drawl". Warrior is a three syllable word except in the south where it would be pronounced "War yer"! Either way you want to end L3 is fine but you are right when trying to alleviate confusion in these good ol' boy's haids down hyar. LOL

Larry

[Cleo_Serapis]

Of course, my folks live in Maine and with my Boston accent ya might just hear it like:

way up heeyah, we pronounce it as war ee yah, dun't ya know there ain't no 'R' in these pahts?

Thanks!

Perhaps I should edit that word?

[Guest_bombadil1247_*]

Hi,again, Cleo,

Not a lot for you this time.


I see in Vyphron’s dragon prince
a hint of discontent,
despite his need to please the ones
he’s vowed to represent.

It’s rumored that the time has come
to tame the virile urge
inbred among the vanquishers;
a secret will emerge.

I see in Vyphron’s dragon prince
a plan to resurrect
their bygone name abolished: lost
to his repulsive sect.

I'm not fond of the colon here, makes for weak enjambement imo. Perhaps go back to 'abandoned by' and introduce a qualifier like 'now' or 'most' for 'repulsive'. Might also consider alternatives; 'higher' for 'bygone' and repugnant' for 'repulsive' strictly for ambience.

Kalori views the Nunnos pride
with guarded relevance; - 'reverence' for 'relevance'?
a race of strength and self-respect
known for noteworthy sense.

I see in Vyphron’s dragon prince
a weakness of the heart, - not sure about 'weakness' remember the image you want is strong, maybe kindness or similar?
a trait not shared among his kind
whose acts, he sets apart. - move comma from 'acts' to 'kind'

He does not need the glitter dust
to befriend Brellanine - 'befriend' has wrong stressing, iambic, how about 'follow/ join with' instead? The rhythm change doesn't offer anything here
for deep within he shares the dream;
Taneia’s trust design.

I see in Vyphron’s dragon prince
a goal too great to clutch --
and watch the paradigms unfold
through talon’s mighty touch.


That's it, yours to use or lose of course,
Jim

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi again, Jim,

I must admit, I hate that colon there but I couldn't think of a different way to express bringing back to old name and ways that have since been purposely 'lost' by the warrior sect's actions. Abandoned by and repugnant seem to be easier on the ear along with 'most' - I'll adopt those suggestions and thank you! I actually had used repugnant in the first draft, go figure?

with guarded relevance; - 'reverence' for 'relevance'? Yes, I had that initially as well and will edit it back in there. TY!

not sure about 'weakness' remember the image you want is strong, maybe kindness or similar? I see what you mean, I didn't think on it in that fashion but you raise a good point. I don't want to present an image of him being 'weak' so much as of him having compassion for others. I'll fix that work, sub with 'compassion of the heart'. TY!

to befriend Brellanine - 'befriend' has wrong stressing, iambic, how about 'follow/ join with' instead? The rhythm change doesn't offer anything here I like 'join with' as that is the proper image - He and Daemas join with Taneia on the journey.

Once again, many thanks Jim for your feedback and suggestions. All are very well thought out and I appreciate the volleys which not only help me to improve my poetic message, but also to stir my prose ideas further along.

Cheers,
~Cleo

[AMETHYST]

Hi Lori,


Ok - So I did some off line jotting down on this, only to return - ready to post them and realized that there are some changes so here are some prilimenary notes toward the revised draft. These series of poems, to me are amazing. This one is almost flawless - The meter, especially in area's where you shifted a little, adds to the delight of the poem's sounds and images. Very strikening images and excellent word choices through out. At first I have to admit I wasn't taken by the first line repeat on each stanza. However, after a few reads, I felt it works best to emphasize the change in meaning by line's end.

Some inline thoughts of the new draft to follow...


Hugs, Liz

I see in Vyphron’s dragon prince a hint of discontent,
despite his need to please the ones he’s vowed to represent.
It’s rumored that the time has come to tame the virile urge
inbred among the vanquishers; a secret will emerge.

First I want to make notice to the choices you've made in most of the first lines to bounce off the repeated words creating a variety of sounds and partnerships within each line. Such as in S1L1, the prince/hint partner well and in S2, the alliterative change prince/plan as well as the inner rhymes in S3, prince/compassion while you've twisted the treat around in S4 goal/great - You truly made this verse dance with the inner rhymes and adjoining sounds - I also felt that the emjambments are smooth and MAGICAL.

Other than perhaps suggesting 'imbred among each vanquisher; a secret will emerge.' I cannot think of anything that could improve this -

I see in Vyphron’s dragon prince a plan to resurrect
their higher name abandoned by his most repugnant sect.
Kalori views the Nunnos pride with guarded reverence;
a race of strength and self-respect known for noteworthy sense.

Excellent stanza. The weaving of detail to show the inherited reputation and the quest to rejuvenate the worthiness of the family. I especially love how L3 just swims off the tongue and dances in the air for me -

I see in Vyphron’s dragon prince compassion of the heart,
a trait not shared among his kind, whose acts he sets apart.
He does not need the glitter dust to join with Brellanine
for deep within he shares the dream; Taneia’s trust design.

L2 is the only slip I feel in the entire poem. The tone comes off to my ear as robotic. Perhaps 'a trait not seen among his kind, whose acts sets him apart -

I see in Vyphron’s dragon prince a goal too great to clutch --
and watch the paradigms unfold through talon’s mighty touch.

LOVE THIS FINAL COUPLET! Lori, wonderful poetry, just wonderful. -


Hugs, Liz

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Liz,

Why thank you very much for your kind words on this one - part III of the saga. You've made excellent suggestions and I will make an edit now for S1 & 3.

Thanks again!
~Cleo

[Cleo_Serapis]

Revision FOUR now posted.