Going Home...revised, fv Options

[heartsong7]

I don't have much experience writing fv but this is one I wrote awhile back that has not been workshopped. I would love your opinions.
The subject is disturbing.



revision:

He sits in silence
beneath a moss-draped tree,
its branches spreading
nearly to the ground
like arms that reach
and bid him
to come home.

With ripples smoothed
behind a
dying west wind,
the lake reflects
lush lawns
and stately trees
that line its shore.

This spot has been
his refuge
but no more.

Now it’s pain
that holds him in its grasp.
It’s all he knows–
it’s all he feels.
He can’t conceive
of anything more real.

As warming fluid flows
into his frail veins,
his eyes behold the
wondrous scene
one last time
before he’s
free to go
home.




Going Home

He sits in silence all alone
beneath a moss-draped live-oak tree—
its branches spreading
nearly to the ground
like arms that reach
and bid him
to come home.

The ripples on the lake
have smoothed
with the dying
of a brisk west wind.
The lake– a mirror, now–reflects
the lush green lawns
and stately trees
that line its sandy shore.

This spot has always been
his refuge

but no more.
Now it’s pain
that holds him in its grasp.
It’s all he knows–
it’s all that he can feel.
He can’t conceive
of anything more real.

As the warming fluid flows
into his veins,
his eyes behold the
wondrous scene
one last time before
he’s finally free
to go--- home.

Sue

[Terocon101]

Hi Sue,

I think this is so beautifully flowing. Your expertise in forming these lovely (nearly iambic) sentences, with their rhythm is well founded in other departments, and it works so well here, that by the end I was very moved.

Everything from the title to the gentle read, to the idyllic setting lays this trap for that sadly realistic realization in the last verse. Sadly beautiful, like lilies...

I wondered did you actually see this... 'live oak tree' makes me believe you did?? Its a strange detail, but moss may conjour a dead tree, I suppose.
I see exactly the kind of oak your talking about, there's one in a park in Tullamore, massive and ancient, I call it the 'tentacled thing' the way those arms stretch out. You've painted the picture perfectly for me.

The only nit I have is in you second verse:

The ripples on the lake
have smoothed
with the dying
of a brisk west wind.
The lake– a mirror, now–reflects Up to now you painted the picture, calm, not a ripple, I already see the surface of the lake as a mirror. I think the only word you need in this line is 'reflecting' and what a great word, looking back/mirror/ etc.

Also in the last verse, consider an adjective for the veins, their notoriously ravaged, clotted, used, tortured... I think it would be a good spot to try to describe his past or his reason or his pain...
And theres two 'his's close together.

into 'something' veins

I cant go through every line because it would be very boring(compliment after compliment) for both of us. I Just Love It, every bit.

Best Wishes.


.

[Merlin]

Hi Sue,

Nice to see you also broadening your horizon into this realm. It has been a long road for me, since without limits, I was somewhat lost. I've done much research to get the feeling of verse -libre-, not just freeform.
What I found was the importance of putting linebreaks where they're most effective. Sometimes with the natural breathing process, other times to make the reader pause on that point. It's actually fun to have that bit of control. Of course, those devices we made use of over in the R&M turf still apply, and I can see where they can be more important here. That is, unless one wishes to write like the masses of teenagers who aye-aye-eye you to boredom with their love tales.

Personally, I'd redo V2 thus>> if not in breaks, but in diction.
Ripples on the lake
smoothed
with the dying west wind.

Fiddle with different pauses, you might get a whole new scenario.

Merlin


ps - I saw Terry's comments while I was writing, but hadn't read them as we were almost simultaneous.

[heartsong7]

Hi Terry...
Your kind comments are both insightful and encouraging. I do see you point about 'mirror' being unneccessary. I suspect there could be a little pruning elsewhere as well. The 'live oak' is a type of oak tree that is very common in the US Southeast. The lakeside setting is based on my family home in Florida.
Thank you very much for taking the time to share your thoughts and helpful suggestions.
Sue

[heartsong7]

Hi Merlin...
Thank you for checking this out and sharing some of your observations on your journey into freeverse. I agree, good fv needs to have many of the same attributes as R&M in order to be poetry.
I suspect this one could use a bit of pruning. You and Terry have nudged me into giving it a try.
Sue

[Guest_ohsteve_*]

Susan... a wonderous journey into your vision, I think the revision is pruning the original more than enough any more and it will not be the same piece. I have been writing free verse for a long time now and still have not mastered all the ins and outs of it, so I wouldn't worry much, the folks here are kindly in thier critiques, enough to allow you to learn someing every time you post. Keep writing as long as the muse lets you.
Steve

[Guest_lizbaker_*]

Hey Sue,
I remember this one and how it always touched my heart each time I read it. Maybe because I was already familiar with it, I would not have thought you needed to change anything, but I have to admit, the pruning does improve it, especially S2. I agree with Steve, anymore would lose the mood.
Good revising, my friend.
Liz

[heartsong7]

I appreciate your insight Steve. I'm still in the wading end of the freeverse pool, but hope to be swimming in the deep end soon.
Thank you for taking the time to share your thoughts.
sue


Thank you, Lizzy. It is harder to change the oldies, yes?
S

[jgdittier]

Dear Heartsong,
These words are here just to let you know that I'm still familiarizing myself with the best in fv.
Cheers, Ron jgd

[heartsong7]

Hi Ron...
You are such a gentleman.
Thank you, kind sir.
Sue

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Sue,

I've enjoyed your 'home' - the scenery is filled with vivid imagery and your placement of pauses and stanzas looks and feels right (I'm not a fv expert) but I like the shape and the rhythms here along with your inner rhymes.

It's a bit sad but I can invision the scene before this man, the massive trees, the calming lake and the breeze whispering...
A lovely vision, if it may be his last of home.

I only have a few suggestions below for you to ponder. Enjoyed!

Cheers
~Cleo

He sits in silence
beneath a moss-draped tree,
its branches spreading
nearly to the ground
like arms that reach
and bid him (or: bidding him,
come home.)
to come home. An alternate for the last line above.

With ripples smoothed
behind a
dying west wind,
the lake reflects (what kind of lake, can you elaborate, calm, tepid, cool, azure, emerald, mirror (reflective hint)?)
lush lawns
and stately trees
that line its shore. (what kind of shore?)

As warming fluid flows
into his frail veins,
his eyes behold the
wondrous scene
one last time
before he’s
free to go
home. (suggest moving 'go' above down to this last line.)

[heartsong7]

Hi Lori,
Thank you for lending me your critic's eye. I'm definately still working on this but will let it simmer awhile before further revisions. I'll print your suggestions and use them as guides when I have time to return to this one.
Your input is always helpful and greatly appreciated.
I'm glad to know you feel this works overall.
Sue

[Cleo_Serapis]

Oh yes - this one 'speaks' Sue. I look forward to future commentary and any revisions to come.

~Cleo

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi SUe,

Yay! Terry has just nominated this poem for the Nov IBPC polling.

I'll send along the PM to you now!

Cheers
~Cleo

[Orion]

Sue,

I recall reading your work elsewhere - maybe at The Poetry Factory forum some years ago. ?

The live oak to which you refer is an easy reference for me. We have those around here, and we well know that name. Your fine details in describing your setting attract the reader to remain with you in the poem. That, to me, is a sign of fine poetic craftmanship.

I really enjoyed reading your poem and the replies. Congrats, too, for award-winning work.

Regards,
Jan

[Cleo_Serapis]

Congrats Sue on having this poem selected for the November IBPC!

Best of luck!
~Cleo