If...Revision 4, Wizard Award ~ Rhymed Poetry Options

[Judi]

. .

Revision 4...

The latticed-look of snow-filled limbs
against a winter sky.
A tinge of arctic air that blows
with such a mournful cry.
Those cabarets in France where lovers
posture in their games,
the ocean's changing tides that show
no days are quite the same.

How sudden glints of sunlight
will remind us of a prayer,
a mother's gentle murmuring,
no love can quite compare.
Red roses that a lover places
gently on the bed,
the joyfulness of ecstasy,
and love for those we wed.

If we could live life over
would we plan it just the same?
I know we'd need more happy times,
less discontent and pain.
I pray someday my life will change
before my time to go,
with many sweet new memories
that only God can know.

--

Judith Anne Labriola

Revision 3 (back to 4/3 as per Ron)

The latticed look of snow-filled limbs
against a winter sky.
A tinge of arctic air that blows
with such a mournful cry.
Those cabarets in France where lovers
posture in their games,
the ocean's changing tides that show
no days are quite the same.

How sudden glints of sunlight
will remind us of a prayer,
a mother's gentle murmuring,
no love can quite compare.
Red roses that a lover places
gently on the bed,
the joyfulness of ecstasy,
to love the ones we've wed.

If we could live life over
would we plan it just the same?
I know we'd need more happy times,
less discontent and pain.
I pray someday my life will change
before my time to go,
with many sweet new memories
that only God can know.
==================================================

(Revision 2 converted to heptameter..as per Ron..)

The latticed look of snow-filled limbs against a winter sky,
a tinge of arctic air that blows with such a mournful cry.
Those cabarets in France where lovers posture in their games,
the ocean's changing tides that show no days are quite the same.

How sudden glints of sunlight will remind us of a prayer,
a mother's gentle murmuring, no love can quite compare.
Red roses that a lover places gently on the bed,
the joyfulness of ecstasy, to love the ones we've wed.

If we could live life over, would we plan it just the same?
I know we'd need more happy times, less discontent and pain.
I pray someday my life will change before my time to go,
with many sweet new memories, that only God can know.

If...Original Version

The latticed look of snow covered limbs
against a winter sky,
A tinge of Arctic air that blows
with such a mournful cry,

Those cabarets in France where lovers
posture in their games.
The ocean's changing tides show us
no days are quite the same.

How sudden glints of sunlight can
remind us of a prayer.
A mother's gentle murmuring,
no love can quite compare.

Red roses that a lover places
gently on the bed.
The joyfullness of ecstasy,
the permanence of dead.

If we could live life over, would
we want it just the same?
Perhaps we'd want more happy times
less discontent and pain.

I pray someday my life will change
before it's time to go,
for many sweet new memories,
that only God can know.

--

Judith Anne Labriola



Revision 1

The latticed look of snow-filled limbs
against a pale blue sky,
a tinge of Aarctic air that blows
with such a mournful cry,

Those cabarets in France where lovers
posture in their games.
The ocean's changing tides that show
no days are quite the same.

How sudden glints of sunlight will
remind us of a prayer.
A mother's gentle murmuring,
no love can quite compare.

Red roses that a lover places
gently on the bed.
The joyfullness of ecstasy,
the permanence of "dead."


If we could live life over, would
we plan it just the same?
I'm sure we'd want more happy times,
less discontent and pain.

I hope someday my life will change
before my time to go,
with many new sweet memories,
that only God can know.


If...Original Version

The latticed look of wintered- limbs
against a pale blue sky,
A tinge of Arctic air that blows
with such a mournful cry,

Those cabarets in France where lovers
posture in their games.
The ocean's changing tides show us
no days are quite the same.

How sudden glints of sunlight can
remind us of a prayer.
A mother's gentle murmuring,
no love can quite compare.

Red roses that a lover places
gently on the bed.
The joyfullness of ecstasy,
the permanence of dead.

If we could live life over would
we want it just the same?
Perhaps we'd want more happy times
less discontent and pain.

I hope someday my life will change
before it's time to go,
so many new sweet memories,
that only God can know.

--

Judith Anne Labriola

[JLY]

Judi,
This is well-written and it just flows off one's tongue. You have many lovely images, but you threw me a bit when you referred to: the permanence of dead. For me, it felt like it didn't belong among the rest of your warm lines.

JLY

[Guest_Don_*]

The latticed look of wintered-limbs The lattice look of winter-limbs
against lacing a pale blue sky,
A a tinge of Aarctic air that blows
with such a its mournful cry,

Those cabarets in France where lovers
posture in their games.
The ocean's changing tides show us
no days are quite the same. [I like these two lines a lot.]

How sSudden glints of sunlight can
remind us of a prayer.
A mother's gentle murmuring,
no love can quite compare.

Red roses that a lover places
gently on the bed.
The with joyfullness of ecstasy,
the permanence of dead. [out of context]

If we could live life over would If we lived life over
we want it just the same? should it be the same?
Perhaps we'd want more happy times
with less discontent contention and pain.

I hope sSomeday my life will change
before it's time to go,
so many new sweet memories,
that only God can know.

Hi Judith,

A few observations under a clear blue sunny sky. A very gentle read.

Don

[Terocon101]

Hi Judi,

this is such a beautifully flowing piece, theres a sadness in it that just seemed so heartfelt and honest. A lament at the passing of time and loved ones, the sadness in this is woven so gently into the fabric it's impact really touches the heart. Theres hope but even the hope seems resigned:

"so many new sweet memories,
that only God can know."

I loved the season, its perfect for this and beautifully expressed:

"The latticed look of wintered-limbs
against a pale blue sky,
A tinge of Arctic air that blows
with such a mournful cry,"

Absolutely no nits from me, I just loved this, the beautiful soul in it just shines.

Terry

[Judi]

Don, I have taken a few of your suggestions for change, but can't take them all
due to changes in the meter that I have chosen (4/3)

The one line that most have objected to and said it was out of context is really IN CONTEXT in life, and that is what I was trying to get across...that we have to realize that someday our lives will end, and how do we want to live until that happens..

I will try to make changes and still keep in the meter I have chosen..Judi

[Judi]

Terry,

Thanks so much for your comments on this poem. It is still a bit not up to what it could be, but hopefully you will then like it more when that happens! My Best, Judi

[Judi]

Dear JLY,

Thanks so much, and again, that particular line we would like to leave out of our lives completely, but when planning, we should always know that death is coming someday...and plan accordingly what we want to accomplish before it happens. Judi

[Judi]

My last post repeated itself...not sure how that happened, but I could not delete it~ Judi

[Guest_Don_*]

Dear Judi,

No problem here with what you find useful or not. Aware this is more or less a list, the death part is abrupt like finding a skunk in a kennel of cats.

Hey, why not wait for more comments before revision?

Don

[Judi]

I sometimes don't get a lot of responses, but I can revise it again...I just changed a few words here and there...I was trying to keep the meter I had chosen througout.

The meter is perfect the way it is, so I don't have a lot of room to play around and lose the meaning of what I am trying to say..I did make some of your changes, maybe not exactly what you said but in areas you suggested change. I am not afraid to revise again, after hanging out at Sonnet Central you get used to it...have a nice day, Judi

[Michelle]

Hi Judi, I find so much in this poem that I enjoy: your images are crisp and some of your descriptions are priceless. I find the message unique and universal. This is a very lovely poem. I’ve gone it, leaving commentary and suggestion. I offer with a spirit of camaraderie. If you find it mostly useless babble, just disregard.

The latticed look of wintered-limbs >>>I agree with Don here
against a pale blue sky,
A tinge of Arctic air that blows >>>why the capital ‘A’?
with such a mournful cry,

Those cabarets in France where lovers>>>again, why the capital?
posture in their games.>>>I’m not seeing a complete sentence that would justify a period. I think a colon would work very well here, but I would use ‘like’ to begin the next line. This would give a unifying factor to the first 2 stanzas.
The ocean's changing tides show us >>>If you used like, you could remove both ‘show’ and ‘us’ and add a comma.
no days are quite the same.

How sudden glints of sunlight can
remind us of a prayer.
A mother's gentle murmuring,
no love can quite compare.

Red roses that a lover places
gently on the bed.
The joyfullness of ecstasy, >>>typo - joyfulness
the permanence of dead.

>>>Again, in these two stanzas, I see dependent clauses punctuated as if they were sentences. If you removed ‘How’ in S3L1, ‘can remind’ becomes a grammatical verb. I also agree with Don to omit ’can’. In my opinion, breaking grammatical rules in poetry can work on occasion, but for my tastes it is a device used intentionally for dramatic effect. A wonderful example of this is in S4L4 - here I would normally say ‘the permanence of death’ - but using ‘dead’, for me,
adds abruptness and brusqueness as is characteristic of death itself. Here I disagree with the afore critters. I think this line is ingenious. Perhaps it doesn’t fit with the niceties expressed in the rest of the poem, but death is a part of life and it never fits in with life’s niceties.


If we could live life over would
we want it just the same?>>>I really like Don’s suggestion in these first two line, though this is your second time using ‘same’ as an end rhyme
Perhaps we'd want more happy times
less discontent and pain.>>>I have no problem with the last two lines - I like them.


I hope someday my life will change
before it's time to go,
so many new sweet memories,
that only God can know.
This last stanza is a great ending spot for the poem. For me all the pieces are there, but it feels not as seamless as it could. Here’s my suggest, which may or may not adhere to your own needs.

In days to come my life will change.
Before it's time to go,
I’ll savor sweet, new memories,
that only God can know.


My best to you,

Michelle

[Michelle]

Hiya Judi,

I spent considrable time on the above critique. I hope that something I said is useful now. I have to say though that I wasn't taking any set meter into account. If I get back for another go, I will.


my best,

Michelle

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Hi Judi,

I like the idea behind your poem. I'm wondering if an intro verse at the beginning would keep it from sounding like a list of favorites. Something along the lines of 'what sort of things make life worthwhile'? OR 'The special things that highlight life'... creating a verse that leads into the rest of your poem. I had trouble with the connection between each of these things till the end and then of course it made sense. I think adding a verse at the beginning to lead into the rest will give the reader an idea what this is all about and make it easier to relate to. Of course, it's your poem so it's up to you. *smiles* No matter what... I've enjoyed the images that you've created. Take what's useful (if anything LOL) and toss the rest!

Cathy

The latticed look of snow-filled limbs
against a pale blue sky, < 'that lace a pale blue sky'?
a tinge of Aarctic air that blows
with such a mournful cry, 'a chilling mournful cry'? It might enhance the 'feel' of arctic air. And I think Aarctic should be arctic.

Those cabarets in France where lovers
posture in their games.
The ocean's changing tides that show
no days are quite the same.

How sudden glints of sunlight will
remind us of a prayer.
A mother's gentle murmuring,
no love can quite compare. < Lovely verse...

Red roses that a lover places
gently on the bed.
The joyfullness of ecstasy,
the permanence of "dead." < This line feels out of place. Not only because it doesn't fit with the other lovely images (even though I realize it's a part of life) but also because the other three lines in this verse are more 'lover-like' in nature. Roses on the bed and ecstasy... they usually go hand-in-hand but that just makes the last line stand out even more as though it doesn't belong in this verse. All of your verses so far have lovely, happy-type images of life... none of the sorrow and pain that can play a huge part in it as well. Maybe a separate verse to fit line 4?


If we could live life over, would
we plan it just the same?
I'm sure we'd want more happy times,
less discontent and pain.

I hope someday my life will change
before my time to go,
with many new sweet memories, < I would switch 'new sweet' to 'sweet new'.
that only God can know.

[Judi]

Hi Judi, I find so much in this poem that I enjoy: your images are crisp and some of your descriptions are priceless. I find the message unique and universal. This is a very lovely poem. I’ve gone it, leaving commentary and suggestion. I offer with a spirit of camaraderie. If you find it mostly useless babble, just disregard.

The latticed look of wintered-limbs >>>I agree with Don here This was changed per Don
against a pale blue sky,
A tinge of Arctic air that blows >>>why the capital ‘A’? Changed per Donwith such a mournful cry,

Those cabarets in France where lovers>>>again, why the capital? Proper nouns must be capitalized!
posture in their games.>>>I’m not seeing a complete sentence that would justify a period. Yes, it is a complete sentence...it has a subject, predicate, and object
I think a colon would work very well here, but I would use ‘like’ to begin the next line. This would give a unifying factor to the first 2 stanzas.
The ocean's changing tides show us >>>If you used like, you could remove both ‘show’ and ‘us’ and add a comma. I don't know how this would sound..
no days are quite the same.
How sudden glints of sunlight can
remind us of a prayer.
A mother's gentle murmuring,
no love can quite compare.

Red roses that a lover places
gently on the bed.
The joyfullness of ecstasy, >>>typo - joyfulness Thanks, I correctred this
the permanence of dead.

>>>Again, in these two stanzas, I see dependent clauses punctuated as if they were sentences. If you removed ‘How’ in S3L1, ‘can remind’ becomes a grammatical verb. I also agree with Don to omit ’can’. In my opinion, breaking grammatical rules in poetry can work on occasion, but for my tastes it is a device used intentionally for dramatic effect. A wonderful example of this is in S4L4 - here I would normally say ‘the permanence of death’ - but using ‘dead’, for me,
adds abruptness and brusqueness as is characteristic of death itself. Here I disagree with the afore critters. I think this line is ingenious. Perhaps it doesn’t fit with the niceties expressed in the rest of the poem, but death is a part of life and it never fits in with life’s niceties.


If we could live life over would
we want it just the same?>>>I really like Don’s suggestion in these first two line, though this is your second time using ‘same’ as an end rhyme
Perhaps we'd want more happy times
less discontent and pain.>>>I have no problem with the last two lines - I like them.


I hope someday my life will change
before it's time to go,
so many new sweet memories,
that only God can know.
This last stanza is a great ending spot for the poem. For me all the pieces are there, but it feels not as seamless as it could. Here’s my suggest, which may or may not adhere to your own needs.

In days to come my life will change.
Before it's time to go,
I’ll savor sweet, new memories,
that only God can know.


My best to you,

Michelle

I appreciate you taking the time to crit the poem...Most of my changes were already made per Don's crit, but many could not be used because of destroying my meter.
I will use one or two of them, though, and again, thanks for your time. my Best, Judi

[Merlin]

Hi Judy,
I'm not a praying man, so won't go into the matters of the poem.
I chuckled at your statement - "I sometimes don't get a lot of responses," reminding me of many a posting of mine that hardly rated 3 replies. I dedicated a sonnet to that very detail, entitled "My Quest", and it began "This is my quest: to find three common taters || who’ll leave their mark inside this thread of mine;" which did in fact garner more than 3. (It's in the archives here somewhere.)

Merlin

[Terocon101]

Hi Judi,

Sorry, I'm just gonna stir up trouble here now by referring to a change you've made. I see in your revision that the infamous " permanence of 'dead' " line is gone. I personally think that when I read a poem and a certain line jumps out and punches me in the heart, its a good thing. Its an impact, its hitting a message home, such force doesn't always work but I believed raw pain did show through in yours. I loved the deceptive way that line just snook up on me and 'BAM', just as death can sometimes do. Its often happened to me, when reading a poem, I'd stumble upon a line that would give me pause, I'd have to stop and think for a while " is that quite right" they nearly always end up being my favorite lines, and usually have the most meat on there bones.
Of opinions differ, some may say that;

"A poet dares be just so clear and no clearer... He unzips the veil from beauty, but does not remove it. A poet utterly clear is a trifle glaring."E. B. White

But I agree with this below:

"I think one of poetry’s functions is not to give us what we want... [T]he poet isn’t always of use to the tribe. The tribe thrives on the consensual. The tribe is pulling together to face the intruder who threatens it. Meanwhile, the poet is sitting by himself in the graveyard talking to a skull." ~ Heather McHugh
(praise be to wikiquote)

Someone in here recently said to me that "poetry is truth" and if your not speaking of fairies and dragons then thats usually true, or at least thats what people are trying to do. Your poem seems to be about someone looking back through their life, at the good and the bad. I don't think there too many people who can say their life has not been touched by death in some way. Its such an essential and unavoidable part of all life. But it evokes, as in this case, a strong response of denial and fear, totally natural of course.

Ok thats my bit, and after all that I have to say, I like your revision

Use or lose as you will.

Terry

[Judi]

Terry, Most of the changes I made I like a lot...except that one line that spooked everyone...I changed it, but there will always be two versions of this poem..and who knows, I may just put it back...I held onto it for dear life.

Critting is difficult for me because I TRY to take into consideration the rhyming pattern that the poet has used for their poem so I don't spoil the meter. That is difficult to do..All the suggestions I received were excellent, but some would make me rewrite the whole poem or parts of it, so I will just rest on my oars here and drift a while.

Thanks so much for your defense of my "dead" stanza... I am a lot older than you and you start realizing that your time is precious, and we need to make the most of it! Judi

[Terocon101]

Judi,

yes, I received some good advice from Cathy telling me to let the crits and comments roll around upstairs for a while, just mull it all over for a while.
Maybe I should have spoken up earlier about that line, but I never thought it was in any real danger, Maybe theres a way of saying the same thing without scaring the bejapers out of us, LOL. Although I really did like it in the first revision.

Terry

[Judi]

Terry, I appreciate both you and Cathy for your valuable suggestions...where would we be without them...I need them to polish up my poems...we all do! My best to you across the big pond in the land of those little elves who are always up to mischief. Judi

[Guest_Don_*]

Hi Judi,

I really like the way you cleaned up next to last stanza.

We all should know how much we depend upon people like MM members to buff out our glitches.

Don