Tricolor Pride Revised 7/29/07, Wizard Award ~ Rhyming couplets in iambic meter Options

[Guest_Cathy_*]

. .

Tricolor Pride ~ Revision 2

She flies for freedom; off'ring choice
to listen to the homeland voice
in proof through... night... our flag's still there...*
with strength and glory all can share.

Although she's slightly battle-worn
from bullet holes and cutlass scorn,
word-whipped until her hem-edge curls
by mean-mouthed, uncouth, sadist churls;

she's softened by a mother's tears
and strengthened by a father's fears...
in solace for the ones who've cried
to honor loved ones who have died.

Still she survives, beliefs opined.
Historical events enshrined
she waves her stars and stripes in hope
that others draw within her scope.

Her stitches, sewn by loving hands,
withstand the rigor of demands
to bind our nation's future fast
against a terroristic caste.

We soldiers, armed with loyalty
and hearts that yearn to be kept free,
together charge the battlefield
to fight with might; we'll never yield.

We'll carry her with fervent vows
and tend her wounds when time allows.
Her cause may often be denied,
yet faith unfurled... she flies with pride.

Cathy Bollhoefer
copyright June 18, 07

* A line from The Star Spangled Banner

in solace was sad comfort


Tricolor Pride ~ Revision 1

A fight for freedom? We've no choice;
just listen to the homeland's voice
in, proof through... night... our flag's still there*...
Such words ring truth, none can compare.

Although she's slightly battle-worn
from bullet holes and cutlass scorn,
word-whipped until her hem-edge curls
by mean-mouthed, uncouth, sadist churls;

she's softened by a mother's tears
and strengthened by a father's fears...
sad comfort for the ones who've cried
to honor loved ones who have died.

Still she survives, beliefs opined.
Historical events enshrined
she waves her stars and stripes in hope
that others draw within her scope.

While stitches sewn by loving hands
withstand the rigor of demands
to bind our nation's future fast
against a terroristic caste,

we soldiers, armed with loyalty
and hearts that yearn to be kept free,
together charge the battlefield
to fight with might; we'll never yield.

We'll carry her with fervent vows
and tend her wounds when time allows.
Her cause may often be denied,
yet faith unfurled... she flies with pride.

Cathy Bollhoefer
copyright June 18, 07




Tricolor Pride ~ Original

A fight for freedom? We've no choice!
Just listen to the homeland's voice
in, proof through... night... our flag's still there*...
such words cry truth, none can compare.

Her stitches sewn by loving hands
withstand the rigor of demands
to bind our nation's future fast
against a terroristic caste.

She may be slightly battle-worn
from bullet holes and cutlass scorn,
word-whipped until her hem-edge curls
by mean-mouthed, uncouth, sadist churls.

She's softened by a mother's tears
and strengthened by a father's fears;
sad comfort for the ones who've cried
to honor loved ones who have died.

Still she survives, beliefs opined,
historical events enshrined;
still waves her stars and stripes in hope
that others draw within her scope.

We soldiers, armed with loyalty
and hearts that yearn to be kept free,
together charge the battlefield
to fight with might; we'll never yield.

We'll carry her with fervent vows
and tend her wounds when time allows.
Her cause may often be denied,
yet; faith unfurled... she flies with pride.

Cathy Bollhoefer
copyright June 18, 07

S1 L4 with heartfelt flair
S4 L1 She's dampened
S4 L2 and twisted
S6 L1 Our soldiers
S6 L4 they'll never yield
S7 L1 They'll carry her

*A line from The Star Spangled Banner

[Merlin]

Well said, Cathy.

It's always a bit annoying when furriners come along and accept - nay, demand - the freedoms that our nations provide, but then trample on those very rights they came here for.

Merlin

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Thank you Merlin! I appreciate you taking the time to read this.

And I know what you mean~

Cathy

[Michelle]

Hi Cathy,

I just wanted to stop in with my first impressions. There is no doubt that this is written with passion - I really enjoy the strenth of that. Also the last line is completely stunning - perfect for the poem. I'll probably be back with more, but I just wanted to stop in with a salute.

my best,

Michelle

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Thank you Michelle! I went to see my son graduate from boot camp and couldn't help but think of him and the other graduates, the pride you could sense within each one of them... in themselves, their uniform, beliefs, their unit, country and the flag that flies over her. It was incredible! It made it easy to write this one~

I'm looking forward to any further thoughts~

Cathy

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Cathy.

Just bumping this one for now - I wonder if you might consider this: I hesitate, but will toss this out there, I think the poem is stronger without that first stanza. As the intro, it feels more personal to the narrator's emotions where the rest tells a specific tale about the flag itself? I'm not certain if I'm converying this so you'll understand, however, S1 feels like anger, whereas the rest of the this piece tells a story with a much more laid-back matter-of-fact approach that so cooly personifies the flag.

I'll be back again this weekend.
~Cleo

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Hey Lori,

I understand what you're saying. I think I was angry when I started this... angry and proud at the same time and that's tiresome! *smiles* I will consider your thoughts on the first stanza though as I work on the revision. I look forward to any other thoughts you might have as well. Thanks for dropping in~

Cathy

Hi Cathy.

Just bumping this one for now - I wonder if you might consider this: I hesitate, but will toss this out there, I think the poem is stronger without that first stanza. As the intro, it feels more personal to the narrator's emotions where the rest tells a specific tale about the flag itself? I'm not certain if I'm converying this so you'll understand, however, S1 feels like anger, whereas the rest of the this piece tells a story with a much more laid-back matter-of-fact approach that so cooly personifies the flag.

I'll be back again this weekend.
~Cleo

[jgdittier]

Dear Cathy,
Here's a piece where powerful emotion rules! I read it aloud and I can hear your heartbeat!!
It captures the patriotic spirit much as Romberg's "Stout Hearted Men".
Yours is a piece demanding the sound of marching men and the beating drums that set the pace. You've put a parade on paper and you've raised the BP of all who read this.
Masterful!
Cheers, ron jgd
ps-great title too

[JustDaniel]

Greetings, Cat...

I'm not sure how I'd missed this, but I'm pleased to see all the excellent, quiet revision you've done to this magnificent, worthy (as Ron indicates) marching song! Fitting words of a loving, proud mother of a serviceman... and fitting for our celebration of Independence Day on Wednesday (and all year).

Only nits for me are in S5, the repetition of 'still' feels somewhat labored and in the final line, I wonder about the need for the semi-colon after 'yet' ? You follow with an elipsis, and I think giving the line another one might do the trick ? Whatcha think?

deLightin' in yer writin', Dan'l

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Hi Ron,

You don't know how happy you've just made me! LOL Your opinion has always been important to me and the words you've just left me brought tears to my eyes. When you mentioned the sound of marching men I couldn't help but think that this has the rhythm of the cadence they sing in boot camp while learning to march in formation! LOL 'A parade on paper'? Wow!

Thank you Ron!

Cathy

Dear Cathy,
Here's a piece where powerful emotion rules! I read it aloud and I can hear your heartbeat!!
It captures the patriotic spirit much as Romberg's "Stout Hearted Men".
Yours is a piece demanding the sound of marching men and the beating drums that set the pace. You've put a parade on paper and you've raised the BP of all who read this.
Masterful!
Cheers, ron jgd
ps-great title too

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Hi Daniel,

In S5 I think I'm trying to stress the fact that no matter what is thrown at her, she still survives. I think that's why I used 'still' twice and I'm not sure about changing it. I'm not refusing... just thinking for a while. *smiles* As for the last line, I guess an elipsis would work. I will consider that too! And I thank you for the compliments~

Cat

Greetings, Cat...

I'm not sure how I'd missed this, but I'm pleased to see all the excellent, quiet revision you've done to this magnificent, worthy (as Ron indicates) marching song! Fitting words of a loving, proud mother of a serviceman... and fitting for our celebration of Independence Day on Wednesday (and all year).

Only nits for me are in S5, the repetition of 'still' feels somewhat labored and in the final line, I wonder about the need for the semi-colon after 'yet' ? You follow with an elipsis, and I think giving the line another one might do the trick ? Whatcha think?

deLightin' in yer writin', Dan'l

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Revision posted~

Thank you,

Cathy

[JustDaniel]

I think the switching of S2 and S3 and the slight change of wording and emphasis works very well, and the removal of one 'still' doesn't take away from the distillation of your thought. :wry smile:... and the final line is punctuated just right now!

deLighting to see this posted today... Daniel

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Thank you Daniel! I'm glad you like the changes~

And Happy Fourth of July to you and your family!

Cat

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Cathy,

Which is the latest revision please? The one in the IBPC nomination thread is different from this one - please let me know.

Thanks!
Best of luck - you go girl!

~Cleo

[AMETHYST]

Congratulations Cathy! Wishing you great success with this one!

Hugs, Liz

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Hi Cathy,

Which is the latest revision please? The one in the IBPC nomination thread is different from this one - please let me know.

Thanks!
Best of luck - you go girl!

~Cleo

Sorry Lori! I hadn't had the chance to update this thread yet but it is now~ They are both the same version today!

Cathy

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Congratulations Cathy! Wishing you great success with this one!

Hugs, Liz

Thank you Liz! *smiles*

[Mary Boren]

Congratulations, Cathy!

Mary

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Congratulations, Cathy!

Mary

Thanks Mary!

Cathy