A Beckoning at Crater Lake..one more tweak L8, sonnet Options

[heartsong7]

The seeds of one of my first sonnets are buried deep. This is what it grew to be.
revised version:





I hike the summit's steep and narrow path
surrounded by the breath of fir and pine.
Six thousand years ago volcanic wrath
left ash in mounds that trace its timber line.
The crater’s cobalt waters shine below
with views that take my breath. I stand and stare
into a mirrored earth and sky. Although
still summer, mountain breezes chill the air*
An overwhelming feeling I can’t shake,
entices me to leap. Incredibly,
I’m not afraid and gaze across the lake
where, in its depths, I glimpse eternity.

It beckons, yet I dare to look away
while, on the wind, a whisper bids me stay.

was: it’s summer, chilly winds still stir the air.*

A Beckoning
At Crater Lake...original

The summit hike’s a steep and narrow path
surrounded by fresh scents of fir and pine.
Six thousand years ago volcanic wrath
left ash in piles that trace its timber line.
The crater’s cobalt waters shine below
with views that take my breath. I stand and stare
into blue mirrored earth and sky. Although
it’s summer, chilly winds still stir the air.
An overwhelming feeling I can’t shake,
entices me to leap. Incredibly,
I’m not afraid and gaze across the lake
where, in its depths, I glimpse eternity.

It beckons, yet I dare to look away
while, on the wind, a whisper bids me stay.

[Merlin]

Hi Sue,

Is it possible I remember this one? If not, I seem to recall a Crater Lake venture.

I was bothered by L2, and I won't mention its period at the end, but by the fact that I couldn't figger how you can tell the scents apart - the fir from the pine? In my process of reworking the first quatrain, I simply docked the 2nd "s" ending "scents", and presto - there tis. Make 1 scent of pine and fir, instead of 2 scents worth. That saves me from redoing Q1.

There tis.

Merlin

[Judi]

I really like this one Sue...So far I can't really find anything wrong-not even the scents, because pine and fir are a bit different...not a lot but different. It take me back to when I was on my honeymoon and we went to the Thousand Islands and Niagara Falls...lots of beautiful sights and smells there too...Judi

[heartsong7]

Merlin...

I simply docked the 2nd "s" ending "scents",

makes perfect sense.

Is it possible I remember this one? If not, I seem to recall a Crater Lake venture.

Very possible..."Crater Lake" was a first try at sonnetizing. It did have 14 lines, including a couplet but was hexameter and kinda klunky. From there, I managed to get it into reasonable IP but it was still awkward. It's seeds are in this one, but it's a total rewrite. I sure hope it's an improvement over the original, which I'm too embarrassed to even post for comparison.
Sue

[JLY]

Sue,

At the very beginning, I am torn; for me I don't know what works best....

The summit hike’s a steep and narrow path

or

The summit's hike a steep and narrow path

After that, your remaining lines were a pleasant uphill journey.

JLY

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Hi Sue,

Sounds like my kind of place. I love to go hiking I just don't get the chance very often but your descriptions have given me the itch! LOL

A thought or two... use what is helpful (if anything LOL) and toss the rest!

Cathy

The summit hike’s a steep and narrow path
surrounded by fresh scents of fir and pine.

'surrounded by fresh-scented fir and pine.'?

Six thousand years ago volcanic wrath
left ash in piles that trace its timber line. < Maybe 'mounds' instead of 'piles'?
The crater’s cobalt waters shine below I like the 'cobalt waters'. You don't hear that often.

with views that take my breath. I stand and stare
into blue mirrored earth and sky. Although
it’s summer, chilly winds still stir the air.
An overwhelming feeling I can’t shake, < Is the comma needed here?
entices me to leap. Incredibly,
I’m not afraid and gaze across the lake
where, in its depths, I glimpse eternity.

It beckons, yet I dare to look away
while, on the wind, a whisper bids me stay.

I guess I'm a bit slow this morning. What is 'it'? The lake, winds...? I like the ending couplet but IMO there is a better word than 'It' for the beginning of line 1... I just haven't thought of 'it' yet! LOL

[Mary Boren]

I remember this one, Sue. It has come a long way, symbolic of the uphill climb that has produced a master poetess. (How how's that for a paradox? Ha! Well, who sez misses can't be masters too.) Well done!

I'll be back.

Mary

[jgdittier]

DEar Sue,
I always wanted to see Crater Lake. Tahoe must do for me.
"I stand and stare!
Blue mirrors earth and sky! Although"

As you will.
Cheers, Ron jgd

[heartsong7]

Hi Judi and JLY...
I'm glad to know you enjoyed this and thank you for saying so.
JLY, I'll give that line further thought.
Sue

Hi Cathy. I'm pleased you enjoyed and thank you for the suggestions. I like 'fresh-scented'... lets me ditch the 'of' and solves the singular or plural issue.
Also 'mounds' does have a better sound than 'piles'
"It" is the lake.
I'll try to think of a way to make that more clear.
Sue

Hi Mary...
What a lovely thing to say. Thank you!
Sue


Hi Ron...
could work
will consider
thanks to looking in.
Sue

[Guest_Kathy_*]

Sue, you describe the same feeling I tried to capture in that old freeform...um... 'Social Risks and Other Dangers,' or something. You've shown it clearly here.

I had a bit of a bump here:

into blue mirrored earth and sky

Because you already have 'cobolt,' so the spondee isn't necessary.

Do 'wrath' and 'path' rhyme in your neck o' the woods? Or did you go for the sight rhyme anyway?

A lovely piece though, Sue. I like the sestet's mysteriousness, contrasting with the down-to-earth stolid tone of the first quatrain, then four lines of emotion/sense oriented verse. It seems that the higher we go the more etheric things become.



surrounded by the breath of fir and pine ??????? (They do respire oxygen, which we breathe in, along with their scent.)

[Mary Boren]

Yep, I'm there. You have touched that indefinable core yearning, and this poem makes me feel connected to all of humanity. Thank you. I've read it several times, and he spondees (fresh scents / blue mir...) still didn't grow on me, but otherwise I would hate to see anything changed.

Mary

P. S. Wrath/path are a perfect match for me, Kath. How do you say them?

[heartsong7]

Hi Kathy...

It seems that the higher we go the more etheric things become.

You got it!
I'm delighted my intent comes through. Such feelings are hard to get across without going ott. I've seen many places in our travels that left me speechless with wonder but hiking to and around
Crater Lake, along and down The Grand Canyon and to the top of the Great Pyramid of Giza have all been very mystical experiences for me.

You're right... "blue" is awkward in that line and "cobalt" already covers the color angle.

Yep, "wrath" and "path" each have a short "a" hereabouts.

I do like "breath of fir and pine" for its unique perspective and will take it. Thank you.

I appreciate your point of view and you.
Take care.
Sue

[heartsong7]

And a warm thank you to you too, Mary for this:

Yep, I'm there. You have touched that indefinable core yearning, and this poem makes me feel connected to all of humanity.

That means a lot to me.
revision posted. I've ditched the spondees.

Appreciatively,
Sue

[Guest_Kathy_*]

That's better, Sue. I'm glad you liked the breath of fir and pine. Thanks also for this:

I appreciate your point of view and you.

You have made my day.

Mary
Wrath/path are a perfect match for me, Kath. How do you say them?

Wrath: roth. Sometimes (occording the Australian Pocket Oxford Dictionary) rawth.
Path: parth

Not even close.

[laryalee]

Sue, I remember this...it was a long
time ago!
A powerful poem, and your thoughts
are memorable.

I love your revised version, and only paused
at one phrase..."chilly winds still stir the air"
which feels like just a wee bit of a tongue-twister?
Just in case you want to play...

into a mirrored earth and sky. Although
it's summer, there's a chill upon the air.

it's summer, there's a chillness in the air.

I also tend to think that without repetition,
the "wind" in your last line is stronger.

But it's great, as is.

Up here, path/wrath rhyme...
From the Hutchinson Encyclopaedia:
The standard current British pronunciation is [roth], but some older well educated people say [rawth]. The US pronunciation is [rath], to rhyme with Kath.
I guess we're Americanized, lol!


Lary

[Guest_Kathy_*]

With KATH! You'll get pimples on your tongue, Lary.

Do not draw my rawth. Grrrrrr.

[heartsong7]

Hi Lary...
It's always a pleasure to be on the receiving end of one of your encouraging reviews.
Thank you for the kind words and the helpful nudges.
re:

..."chilly winds still stir the air"
which feels like just a wee bit of a tongue-twister

Ah yes, I reckon it is. I've read this aloud so many times for meter that I didn't notice.
Thank you for pointing that out.
I'm thinking maybe:
.....................Although
still summer, chilly breezes stir the air.
or maybe 'grip' the air for fewer 's' sounds?

I also tend to think that without repetition,
the "wind" in your last line is stronger.

yes, and 'breezes' will fix that too.

Great nudges, thank you.
Take care.
Sue

[heartsong7]

Hi Kath
Thanks for coming back to let me know you feel the revised version is improved.
I thought it might be 'wroth' for you all 'down under', but figured you'd also say "poth", but "parth"?
yeah, not even close.
Oh, just to say, I don't do sight rhymes. I want a poem read aloud, so how it appears on paper doesn't much matter to me. However, in this case... I'll go with that story. It's a sight rhyme (when read by Aussies and Brits. heh, heh)

You have made my day.

I'm sure your encouraging and helpful reviews do the same for many here, including me.
Many thanks.
Sue

[Michelle]

Hi Sue. I read this when you first posted it and was delighted. Now it is even better. I've been to Crater Lake and you have captured the magnitude of wonder that it inspires.

Excellent skill and poem.

my best,


Michelle

[Mary Boren]

... Although
still summer, mountain breezes chill the air
An overwhelming feeling I can’t shake,
entices me to leap. ...

Have another look at that last tweak, will ya Sue? I like mountain breezes, but "although still" stopped me because it reads like two conjunctions in a row. Also, you don't need the comma after shake.

Nice work, lady.

Mary