The Flag...Last Revision Options

[Judi]

Revision 4...

The air is still, as though the earth has held its breath;
the tears that flow are triggered by the sound of guns.
Two soldiers fold a flag, for war has claimed a life,
which like a budding tree had barely just begun.

As parents hear the bugler play his final note,
the mother sighs, a grieving father holds her hand.
Nothing soothes the pain his loved ones still must reap,
a shiny medal in a box, his last command.

Friends shake their hands, not knowing what do or say,
The parents nod their heads and shake each hand in turn,
So difficult to leave him there, an only son,
who chose this life, and knew that he might not return.

Tomorrow, they will fold another flag up tight;
salute with guns that echo with staccato sound.
The Taps will play for one who'll walk the earth no more.
When will they see no victories are found in war?

Judith Anne Labriola

===============================================================


Revision 3
The air's so still, as though the earth has held its breath,
the tears that flow are triggered by the sound of guns.
The soldiers fold a flag, for war has claimed a life,
which like a budding tree had barely just begun.

The parents hear the bugler play his final note,
the mother sighs, a grieving father holds her hand.
Nothing soothes the pain that loved ones still must reap,
a shiny medal in a box, his last command.

The parents nod their heads and shake each hand in turn,
people shake their hands, not knowing what to say,
So hard to leave him there, a cherished only son,
who chose this life, and knew that it could end this way.

Tomorrow, they will fold another flag up tight;
they'll shoot the guns which echo with staccato sound.
The Taps will play for one who'll walk the earth no more,
when will they see no victories are found in war?

Judith Labriola

Revision 2
The air's so still, as though the earth now holds its breath,
the tears that flow are triggered by the sound of guns.
The soldiers fold a flag, for war has claimed a life,
which like a budding tree had barely just begun.

His blood was shed, his cries were echoed in the wind,
a mother sighs, a grieving father holds her hand.
Nothing soothes the pain that loved ones still must reap,
a lonely medal to a jeweler's box is pinned.

People shake their hands, not knowing what to say,
the parents nod their heads and shake each hand in turn.
So hard to leave him there, a cherished only son,
who chose this life, and knew that it could end this way.

Tomorrow, they will fold another flag up tight;
They'll shoot the guns which echo with staccato sound.
The Taps will play for one who'll walk the earth no more,
when will they see no victories are found in war?

Judith Labriola





The Flag...Revision 1

So still the air, as though the earth now holds its breath,
the tears that flow, are quickened by the sound of guns.
The soldiers fold a flag for war has claimed his life,
which like a budding tree had barely just begun.

His blood was shed, his cries were echoed in the wind,
a mother sighs, a grieving father holds her hand,
nothing soothes the pain for loved ones yet to reap;
a lonely medal to a jeweler's box is pinned.

People shake their hands, not knowing what to say;
The parents nod their heads and shake each hand in turn.
So hard to leave him there, their cherished only son;
they pray it's just a dream, a thought they'll always yearn.

Tomorrow, yet another flag they'll fold up tight;
They'll shoot the guns which echo with staccato sounds.
We'll weep again, for one who'll walk the earth no more;
when will they know no victories in war are found.

Judith Labriola


[/center]

[AMETHYST]

Hi Judi,

This is lovely work. Quite impressive. As you can see the poem is centered as you intended and I have moved this from Seren's, which is for Free Verse into Herme's, for Rhyme and Metered works. I believe you intended this as a wonderfully crafted rhymed/metered work.

I have also printed it out and will be back to it with thoughts. Right now, I have several poems, that I have promised to get back to and well - you know how the race against time and task can be! :)

Best Wishes, Liz

[Judi]

Oh, I thought I was going crazy for a minute...and then I chanced a look over here and knew someone had moved it. I wasn't sure where to post it because it is not metered as a sonnet, and I figured you gals can whip it into shape. My birthday is Flag Day, so I thought I would drag this one out...I feel so strongly that war will never be the answer to the world's problems, and that we need a much stronger system of diplomacy, trading, etc, As Dr. Phil says....How is this working for you? Not well, I'd say. Judi

[Mary Boren]

Hi Judy. Nice job. I'll come back to it ASAP -- just wanted to you know I've given it a first read with admiration and agreement.

Mary

[Merlin]

Hi Judy,

There's a story that seems to repeat itself continually. I'm after WW II, but still wonder at how many young minds ended during that interlude... how many Einsteins, perhaps.

It appears you might have done some late correcting in the last verse. You'll need to begin with a cap, and end with a dot.

I'd do the title dots in, tho.

One more tidbit I'd like to echo from a different thread - regarding quotes. You've quoted your own for no apparent reason, and it does irritate the reader, not to mention wastes bandwidth.

Merlin

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Hi Judi,

This poem really touches me, especially right now. My son will be in Iraq by Jan and he hasn't even graduated from AIT yet! How can they expect them to have the needed experience to go to war??

I've made a few comments and suggestion for you to consider... use what might help or toss the lot~ *smiles*

{omit}[add]
Cathy


So still the air, as though {the} earth now holds its breath,
the tears that flow, are quickened at the sound of guns.

the flow of tears quickens at the sound of guns. Or since this seems to represent a funeral maybe...

the flow of tears quicken at the twenty-one gun salute

The soldiers fold a flag {when}[for] war ha[s]{d} claimed this life,
which like a budding tree had barely just begun.

His blood was shed, {his} cries now echo in the wind, This could refer to his tears and those tears shed by family and loved ones.
a mother sighs, a grieving father holds her hand,
nothing soothes the pain that war has left to reap,

nothing soothes the pain for loved ones yet to reap;

a lonely medal to a jeweler's box is pinned.

People shake their hands, not knowing what to say,
parents nod their heads and shake each hand in turn.
So hard to leave him there, a cherished son,
they pray it's just a dream, a thought they'll always yearn.

[T]omorrow, yet another flag they'll fold up tight,
the guns they'll shoot, and echoes roar in piercing sound.

guns they'll shoot, staccato echoes piercing sound.

The 'roar' just doesn't seem to fit with guns like it might with grenades or something large like that.

They'll weep again, for one who'll walk the earth no more{,}[;]
when will they [learn...]{know} no victories in war are found[.]

It would look like this...

So still the air, as though earth now holds its breath,
the flow of tears quicken at the twenty-one gun salute.
The soldiers fold a flag for war has claimed this life,
which like a budding tree had barely just begun.

His blood was shed, cries now echo in the wind,
a mother sighs, a grieving father holds her hand,
nothing soothes the pain for loved ones yet to reap;
a lonely medal to a jeweler's box is pinned.

People shake their hands, not knowing what to say,
parents nod their heads and shake each hand in turn.
So hard to leave him there, a cherished son,
they pray it's just a dream, a thought they'll always yearn.

Tomorrow, yet another flag they'll fold up tight,
guns they'll shoot, staccato echoes piercing sound.
They'll weep again, for one who'll walk the earth no more;
when will they learn... no victories in war are found.

[Judi]

Hi Judi,

This poem really touches me, especially right now. My son will be in Iraq by Jan and he hasn't even graduated from AIT yet! How can they expect them to have the needed experience to go to war??

I've made a few comments and suggestion for you to consider... use what might help or toss the lot~ *smiles*

{omit}[add]
Cathy


So still the air, as though {the} earth now holds its breath,
the tears that flow, are quickened at the sound of guns.

the flow of tears quickens at the sound of guns. Or since this seems to represent a funeral maybe...

the flow of tears quicken at the twenty-one gun salute

The soldiers fold a flag {when}[for] war ha[s]{d} claimed this life,
which like a budding tree had barely just begun.

His blood was shed, {his} cries now echo in the wind, This could refer to his tears and those tears shed by family and loved ones.
a mother sighs, a grieving father holds her hand,
nothing soothes the pain that war has left to reap,

nothing soothes the pain for loved ones yet to reap;

a lonely medal to a jeweler's box is pinned.

People shake their hands, not knowing what to say,
parents nod their heads and shake each hand in turn.
So hard to leave him there, a cherished son,
they pray it's just a dream, a thought they'll always yearn.

[T]omorrow, yet another flag they'll fold up tight,
the guns they'll shoot, and echoes roar in piercing sound.

guns they'll shoot, staccato echoes piercing sound.

The 'roar' just doesn't seem to fit with guns like it might with grenades or something large like that.

They'll weep again, for one who'll walk the earth no more{,}[;]
when will they [learn...]{know} no victories in war are found[.]

It would look like this...

So still the air, as though earth now holds its breath,
the flow of tears quicken at the twenty-one gun salute.
The soldiers fold a flag for war has claimed this life,
which like a budding tree had barely just begun.

His blood was shed, cries now echo in the wind,
a mother sighs, a grieving father holds her hand,
nothing soothes the pain for loved ones yet to reap;
a lonely medal to a jeweler's box is pinned.

People shake their hands, not knowing what to say,
parents nod their heads and shake each hand in turn.
So hard to leave him there, a cherished son,
they pray it's just a dream, a thought they'll always yearn.

Tomorrow, yet another flag they'll fold up tight,
guns they'll shoot, staccato echoes piercing sound.
They'll weep again, for one who'll walk the earth no more;
when will they learn... no victories in war are found.

Hi Cathy...

I will give thoughtful consideration to your suggestions and if none of them interfere with the rhyme I may be able to use some of them...thanks so much for taking the time...I really appreciate it. Judi

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Hi Judi,

Darn... I'm afraid one of the suggestions will interfere with the rhyme and I wasn't even thinking! The 'twenty-one gun salute' doesn't work. Unless you turn it around to 'salute of twenty-one guns' maybe?

Sorry 'bout that~

Cathy

[Judi]

Hi Judy,

There's a story that seems to repeat itself continually. I'm after WW II, but still wonder at how many young minds ended during that interlude... how many Einsteins, perhaps.

It appears you might have done some late correcting in the last verse. You'll need to begin with a cap, and end with a dot.

I'd do the title dots in, tho.

One more tidbit I'd like to echo from a different thread - regarding quotes. You've quoted your own for no apparent reason, and it does irritate the reader, not to mention wastes bandwidth. Thanks for telling me..
actually it's because I didn't know how to do it the right way...thanks for telling me! LOL...Judi
Merlin

[Judi]

Hi Judi,

Darn... I'm afraid one of the suggestions will interfere with the rhyme and I wasn't even thinking! The 'twenty-one gun salute' doesn't work. Unless you turn it around to 'salute of twenty-one guns' maybe?

No Problem...I did take several of your suggestions, though, and BTW, I will keep your son in my prayers...my oldest grandson is in the Marines and is in SanDiego and could go any time...his wife is a marine also...it's very scary and sad...very sad..they need all the prayers they can get! Judi

Sorry 'bout that~

Cathy

[Guest_Cathy_*]

No Problem...I did take one of your suggestions, though, and BTW, I will keep your son in my prayers...my oldest grandson is in the Marines and is in SanDiego and could go any time...his wife is a marine also...it's very scary and sad...very sad..they need all the prayers they can get! Judi

Yes they do and I will do the same for your grandson and his wife! Thank you~

Cathy

[Judi]

No Problem...I did take one of your suggestions, though, and BTW, I will keep your son in my prayers...my oldest grandson is in the Marines and is in SanDiego and could go any time...his wife is a marine also...it's very scary and sad...very sad..they need all the prayers they can get! Judi

Yes they do and I will do the same for your grandson and his wife! Thank you~

Cathy

Thanks for all your help with this...I added several more changes due to your intervention...Judi

[Judi]

I want to thank everyone who voted for me in this months IBPC selections...It is an honor to have "The Flag" submitted to IBPC

[Guest_Cathy_*]

It deserves to go Judi! I wish you the best of luck with the competition!

Cathy

[Judi]

It deserves to go Judi! I wish you the best of luck with the competition!

Cathy

Cathy, Thanks so much...I still can't believe it....but I couldn't have done it without you all behind me...

[JustDaniel]

Greetings, Judi...

Since this is now obviously in its final form, considering the nomination [ Best wishes with that for this worthy piece! ], may I merely offer a few punctuation suggestions?

The air is 's so still, as though the earth has held its breath[;] (,)
the tears that flow are triggered by the sound of guns.
The Two soldiers fold a flag, for war has claimed a life,
which like a budding tree had barely just begun.

The As parents hear the bugler play his final note,
the mother sighs, a grieving father holds her hand.
There's nothing soothes the pain that loved ones still must reap[;] (,)
a shiny medal in a box, his last command.

The parents nod their heads and shake each hand in turn[;] (,)
people friends shake their hands, not knowing what to say[.] (,)
So hard to leave him there, a cherished[,] only son,
who chose this life(,) and knew that it could end this way.

Tomorrow, they will fold another flag up tight[,] ( ; )
they'll shoot the salute with guns that which echo with staccato sound.
The Taps will play for one who'll walk the earth no more[.] (,)
When will they see no victories are found in war?

saluting Lightly, Daniel

[Judi]

Thanks Daniel for your wonderful critique. There are some that may be good in the future but I have given the ok for the final version that i have now...Off to IBPC it goes now...but I can still revise it after the contest...I think...we shall see what happens...Judi

[Cleo_Serapis]

Judi - you can still revise if you like, just let me know - I am not sending the email until July 1st or 2nd.....

Lori

[Judi]

Daniel...I took most of your suggestions and made a few changes of my own...I feel really good about this now...better than before..I think it is finally done. Thanks so much...I like the touches it gave the poem...here's hoping...say a prayer for me..Judi

[AMETHYST]

Congratulations Judi,

I think the present revision is exceptional and has brought it to it's finest polished state... Good Luck at IBPC, it is a wonderful and most original poem and I think it has a good chance to shine!

Best Wishes, Liz