Bridling the Wind -w/edits, sonnet Options

[Michelle]

Bridling the Wind +++w/edits

Her kisses moored her children home in bed
away from whirlpool depths and wizard's ire,
while tucks of linen cooled capricious fires
and feather down allayed each flaxen head.
She tethered dreams to earth with close-knit threads*
from apron strings, for growing up requires
they clamber concrete steps to venture higher;
reality demands its daily bread.

She never gripped a silver spoon until
her children had arrived; she warmed each one
with kindled dreams and forged their hollow bends*
as flat as trowels-- tools that might fulfill
adventures which imagination's spun.*
Her children fashioned stairways to ascend.



* = edited lines




+++original

Bridling the Wind

Her kisses moored her children home in bed
away from whirlpool depths and wizard's ire,
while tucks of linen cooled capricious fires
and feather down allayed each flaxen head.
She tethered dreams to earth with threads
from apron strings, for growing up requires
they clamber concrete steps to venture higher;
reality demands its daily bread.

She never gripped a silver spoon until
her children had arrived; she warmed each one
in kilns of dreams and forged their hollow bend
as flat as trowels-- tools that might fulfill
the ventures which imagination spun.
Her children fashioned stairways to ascend.

[heartsong7]

Ah Michelle... This creates a wonderfully haunting, wistful mood. I so admire your expertise with metaphor and imagery.
I'm really short of time but just had to say how this touched me.
Nit-wise, L5 is short.
I'll come back later for a more thorough review, but right now that's the only line that caused me pause.

While I'm here, I'd like to thank you for your kind words on my "The Good Daughter" sonnet. I let it get way down on the page before I realized I had not replied to your comments.
Your insight is always a joy to receive.
Thank you for that and for sharing this little work of art.

Best Regards,
Sue

[Mary Boren]

Beautiful, Michelle. How I love the way your mind works. I'll be back to this later -- I've spent way too much time online this morning, and it's too pretty out to be in on my day off.

I was going to mention the missing foot, but Sue beat me to it.

Mary

[Merlin]

Hi Michelle,
Yuppers, I go along with the 2 above.
Make the threads purple, ok? (L5)

L11 is the one that confuses me >>
in kilns of dreams and forged their hollow bend
as flat as trowels

I don't like "kilns of dreams," would prefer "dream filled kilns." I don't know what a hollow bend in a kid is - not the same as having a hollow leg, is it? Then you go from singular bend to flat as trowels, plural. Uhuh.

I'd go with "their" ventures, rather than "the". (L13)

There tis.

Merlin (not the irate Wizard, either.)

[Eisa]

Hi Michelle

It's so good to read your work again. This is beautiful and reads with like fairy-tale.

I like Merlins suggestion of dream filled kilns, although I suppose the meter is not quite so smooth.

I really enjoyed this on just as it is.

Snow

[heartsong7]

I don't wish to irritate the wizard by stepping on his pointy shoes, but "dream filled kilns" would change the meaning as I understood it.
"kilns of dreams" I interpret to mean the kilns are madeof dreams, or perhaps they are fueled by the dreams in which case "dream filled kilns" would change the intent to be that the dreams are being baked in the kilns. Could be "dream fueled kilns", but that messes up the meter.
I shall await enlightenment by the creator of this lovely work.
S

[AMETHYST]

Hi Michelle,

First let me to you for the excellent use of 'moored' and your title. The title is a guarenteed hook for a readers interest and L1 secures that interest through out the poem - The opening image is puissant, with the fresh use of new and exciting words, such as 'moored' ... The metaphor is powerful. It holds together and tightly knit. Of course you now know about L5, I was thinking along the lines of ...

She tethered dreams to earth with thinning threads

but will return with some better suggestions or thoughts...

In L7, I stumbled abit with 'they clamber ...' I think it is that I am hearing 'they clamber ... as stress/stress/unstress ... but that may be my ear... But some sort of consideration might be ...

clambering concrete steps to venture higher...

In L11 I too, was a little confused or unsure what this meant or how to read into it...

Other than those minor nibbles, the poem ends on a wonderful line which pulls it all together. Great work.

Best Wishes, and dreams ... Liz

Bridling the Wind

Her kisses moored her children home in bed
away from whirlpool depths and wizard’s ire,
while tucks of linen cooled capricious fires
and feather down allayed each flaxen head.
She tethered dreams to earth with threads
from apron strings, for growing up requires
they clamber concrete steps to venture higher;
reality demands its daily bread.

She never gripped a silver spoon until
her children had arrived; she warmed each one
in kilns of dreams and forged their hollow bend
as flat as trowels-- tools that might fulfill
the ventures which imagination spun.
Her children fashioned stairways to ascend.

[Michelle]

I guess I'm just slow. Again, I'm sorry for letting this get so far down the page before responding. I had to use all my free time to finish my challenge poem before the deadline. It's now time I get ready for work again, but I'll be back tonight to properly respond to each of you.

Quickly to:

Sue, you seem to always know my intent.

Merlin, my hollow bend is having my nails done. But I wanted to establish a a duo meaning - literally about the concave of a spoon and metaphorically with weaknesses.

I will return.

with great appreciation,

Michelle

[Michelle]

Dear Sue, thank you so much for your input into this poem. Your kindness and understanding always encourages me. I've made a couple of edits, including adding a foot to L5. Although, I think this is passable, I think I can get crisper images in the top layer of my sextet and still allude to a deeper meaning. I find that I write slower nowadays, so it may be awhile. Actually, this and my poem Imagine are part of a conversation I'm having with a friend via poetry. We've been responding to each other's poems with a new poem. I already owe a new one in the conversation. I just can't tell you the extent that I appreciate your thoughts.


Ahh Mary, thank you for you kind words. I get to thinking I'm off the wall sometimes. Your response makes me smile, inside and out. Thank you.


Hiya Merlin. I think wizards are extraordinary, even if they are irate or irritated. (smile) Gosh, purple is one of my favorite colors and it would work great their just because, but I associate it with majesty and I can't see how that would fit in this poem. I edited L11 too, but I'm certain that a new vision (including changing my rhymes) could crisp up my intent. I'll be working on it and post it as a new tile down the road. Thank you for helping me improve my poetry, Merlin. I appreciate it very much.


Hey Snow. Thank you for commenting. I'm glad that you like this poem. I think I may have pulled this one out of my mind's furnace before the images were crystallized. (smile) I'll keep fiddling with it. I appreciate your comments.


Great to see you, Liz. I glean so much from your input. I edited L5 and went in the opposite direction - either way has its own logic for me. I also revised L11 and yet, I'm certain I'll revise again before I consider this one finished. As I seem to be pretty slow, I'll repost it later. I had never looked up the accents on clamber before, I don't think I've it in a poem before actually. I've considered using it a coupld times then opted for another word. The accent is on CLAMber or CLAMer. So, I think I'll keep that, for now. (smile) Thanks again, Liz. I value your input.


Thank you all for your help,

Michelle

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Hi Michelle,

What a wonder! I love the light-hearted feel to this. It gives the children room to roam with imagination and yet anchors them to reality at the same time... and that's hard to do! LOL

A few thoughts... use or lose as you see fit~

Cathy


Her kisses moored her children home in bed
away from whirlpool depths and wizard's ire,
while tucks of linen cooled capricious fires
and feather down allayed each flaxen head.
She tethered dreams to earth with close-knit threads*

Maybe 'hand-knit' or 'handmade' threads. We mothers are the ones who put the apron strings there and we are the ones who have to cut the ties. Course, now that I think about it 'close-knit' does the same thing I guess! *smiles*

from apron strings, for growing up requires
they clamber concrete steps to venture higher;
reality demands its daily bread.

She['d] never gripped a silver spoon until
her children had arrived; she warmed each one
with kindled dreams and forged their hollow bends*
as flat as trowels-- tools that might fulfill
adventures which imagination spun.
Her children fashioned stairways to ascend.

I keep wanting to say 'adventures which imagination has spun' but that messes up the meter. What about an apostrophe s at the end of imagination? Maybe it's just me! LOL

Enjoyed the read~
Cathy

[Michelle]

Hi Cathy. Thank you for stopping in with comment and suggestions. I like the apostrophe s that you have suggested. I think I'll add that right now. The 'close knit' addition doesn't feel quite right to me - I think it is cliche too. I'll think on it for awhile and something will come. I appreciate your help and keen eye.

all my best,

Michelle