Finding My Way.... revision 2 w/ new couplet, Wizard Award ~ a wayward sonnet Options

[heartsong7]

. .


Finding My Way...revision 2 w/ new couplet

You steadied me when I could barely stand
and warned me to be mindful where I stepped,
yet knowing I would stumble, held my hand.
I pulled away and fell, lay bruised and wept,
afraid to try again. A tangled strand
of darkness wrapped around me. While I slept,
I dreamed you cleared the way. I could progress
unfettered. Freed of fear I ran, I leapt
enthusiastically, all pain and stress--
gone!
........ til dawn erased the dark and crept
into my consciousness. Sleep shrouded eyes
looked upon a roadway, still unswept
that wound beneath the grey forbidding skies.

You pulled me to my feet and gently shoved
me out the door. I never felt more loved.



Finding My Way...first revision

You steadied me when I could barely stand
and warned me to be mindful where I stepped,
yet knowing I would stumble, held my hand.
I pulled away and fell, lay bruised and wept,
afraid to try again. A tangled strand
of darkness wrapped around me. While I slept,
I dreamed the way lay clear. I could progress
unfettered. Freed of fear I ran, I leapt
enthusiastically, all pain and stress--
gone!
........ til dawn erased the dark and crept
into my consciousness. With opened eyes
I saw the rocky pathway, still unswept
and looming up ahead, forbidding skies.**

You pulled me up and pushed me out the door
that I might find what living has in store.

was: I saw the rocky road was still unswept
and up ahead loomed grey forbidding skies.**




Finding My Way

You steadied me when I could barely stand
and warned me to be mindful where I stepped,
yet knowing I would stumble, held my hand.
I pulled away and fell, lay bruised and wept,
afraid to try again. A tangled strand
of darkness wrapped around me. While I slept,
I dreamed the way lay clear. I could progress
unfettered. Breaking free, I ran, I leapt*
enthusiastically, all pain and stress--
gone!
........ til dawn erased the dark and crept
into my consciousness. With rested eyes
I saw the rocky road was still unswept
and up ahead were grey cloud laden skies.

You pulled me up and pushed me out the door
that I might find what living has in store."**

was:
and said “Now go and find what lies in store.”**

was:
unencumbered. Free-- I ran, I leapt*

[Mary Boren]

Ooohh, nice one, Sue. Hits the mark with me.

I'm not sure about "unencumbered -- free." Pretty much the same thing, isn't it?

I'll come back to this when I can spend more time.

Mary

[heartsong7]

Hi Mary...

"unencumbered -- free." Pretty much the same thing, isn't it?

Yeah, that's bugging me. I wonder if a slight punctuation adjustment would help:
"unencumbered. Free-- I ran, I leapt"
I think I'll let that hold the place til I come up with something better.
Thanks Mary.
I Look foward to your return.

Sue

[Merlin]

The Wizard to the rescue.

Let me say first that I'm never good at deciphering the deeper meanings. I made it a point in life not to become involved in affairs of others, so didn't really develop that sense, unlike one of my colleagues who was a bartender and could read people "like a book", to use that phrase. Here, I don't clue into the writer's problems, nor believe that's too important.

For the fixer -
I dreamed the way lay clear. I could progress
released, and like a deer, I ran, I leapt
enthusiastically, all pain and stress--
gone!

There tis.

Merlin

[Guest_Kathy_*]

This was your first sonnet? You have a talent for them.

Your meter goes off here and there, and there are plenty who say that's fine, but I try very hard to keep it regular, unless there's a clear reason. Let's have a closer look:

Finding My Way

You steadied me when I could barely stand
and warned me to be mindful where I stepped,
yet knowing I would stumble, held my hand.
I pulled away and fell, lay bruised and wept,
afraid to try again. A tangled strand
of darkness wrapped around me. While I slept,
I dreamed the way lay clear. I could progress

unencumbered. Free-- I ran, I leapt 'unencumbered' doesn't scan. un en CUMB re'd You have at least a whole line to say what you want eg:

.............I could progress
at last; I danced, I sang, I ran and leapt


enthusiastically, all pain and stress--
gone! You start with a stressed syllable. Find a word beginning with a low stress, eg-

enthusiastically, all pain and stress
dissolved till dawn erased the dark and crept

or

were gone till dawn

........ til dawn erased the dark and crept
into my consciousness. With rested eyes
I saw the rocky road was still unswept
and up ahead were grey cloud laden skies.

You pulled me up and pushed me out the door
and said “Now go and find what lies in store."


I think you need a punchier couplet. It isn't clear who 'you' is, and the last line looks rhyme-driven.

Maybe something about making your feet obey your will?

Hope this is helpful,

K

[heartsong7]

The Wizard to the rescue.

Let me say first that I'm never good at deciphering the deeper meanings. I made it a point in life not to become involved in affairs of others, so didn't really develop that sense, unlike one of my colleagues who was a bartender and could read people "like a book", to use that phrase. Here, I don't clue into the writer's problems, nor believe that's too important.

For the fixer -
I dreamed the way lay clear. I could progress
released, and like a deer, I ran, I leapt
enthusiastically, all pain and stress--
gone!

There tis.

Merlin

Hi Merlin,
Thanks for stopping to read and offer a wizardly fixer. I shall definately take it into consideration.
seeya,
Sue

[heartsong7]

Hi Kathy...
I do appreciate being on the receiving end of your insight.

This was your first sonnet? You have a talent for them.

Thank you for the compliment, but this is far from my first sonnet (and actually it isn't one since it has 15 lines, which is why I call it "wayward") It just sorta came out that way.

Your meter goes off here and there, and there are plenty who say that's fine, but I try very hard to keep it regular, unless there's a clear reason. Let's have a closer look:

The meter variations are intentional. Up until recently I tried really hard to keep it strictly IP (especially for a sonnet) but finally, after hanging around SC for a couple of years, allowed myself to venture into what I have learned are acceptable variations. I think those variations are pretty conservative compared to some I've read over there. Since this is not a true sonnet, I played a bit more than usual with the meter and the rhyme scheme.

Finding My Way

You steadied me when I could barely stand
and warned me to be mindful where I stepped,
yet knowing I would stumble, held my hand.
I pulled away and fell, lay bruised and wept,
afraid to try again. A tangled strand
of darkness wrapped around me. While I slept,
I dreamed the way lay clear. I could progress

unencumbered. Free-- I ran, I leapt 'unencumbered' doesn't scan. un en CUMB re'd You have at least a whole line to say what you want eg:
I would scan UN en CUM bered, but the word is using too many precious sylls so may go for "unfettered"
.............I could progress
at last; I danced, I sang, I ran and leapt


enthusiastically, all pain and stress--
gone! You start with a stressed syllable. Find a word beginning with a low stress, eg-
The use of the headless iamb "gone" is meant to add a particular standout stress to end the thought, which is why I separate the line into 2.

enthusiastically, all pain and stress
dissolved till dawn erased the dark and crept

or

were gone till dawn

........ til dawn erased the dark and crept
into my consciousness. With rested eyes
I saw the rocky road was still unswept
and up ahead were grey cloud laden skies.

You pulled me up and pushed me out the door
and said “Now go and find what lies in store."


I think you need a punchier couplet. It isn't clear who 'you' is, and the last line looks rhyme-driven.
The 'you' is the same one referred to in the first line. I agree the couplet could be strengthened and will work on it.

Maybe something about making your feet obey your will?

Hope this is helpful,
Your input is always very helpful to me. You make me stop to think about why I chose a certain route and help me decide whether I wish to stick with it or work on a change. That is invaluable.
Thank you.
Sue
K

[Judi]

Finding My Way

You steadied me when I could barely stand
and warned me to be mindful where I stepped,
yet knowing I would stumble, held my hand.
I pulled away and fell, lay bruised and wept,
afraid to try again. A tangled strand
of darkness wrapped around me. While I slept,
I dreamed the way lay clear. I could progress
unencumbered. Free-- I ran, I leapt
enthusiastically, all pain and stress--
gone!
........ til dawn erased the dark and crept
into my consciousness. With rested eyes
I saw the rocky road was still unswept
and up ahead were grey cloud laden skies.

You pulled me up and pushed me out the door
and said “Now go and find what lies in store.”

Hi Sue...

I only wondered about the word progress....but it looks like Merlin "fixed it" This is lovely and lighthearted! Judi

[Mary Boren]

I like the change you made to L8, Sue. I had no problem scanning unencumbered as a headless iamb, but this is better.

I think it deserves a better title. As a tribute to the person (or entity) who helped the narrator, "Finding My Way" diminishes that aspect. I like the way you've left it open to interpretation as to whether that might be a parent, lover, spiritual guru, or God.

And I especially like these lines:

... A tangled strand
of darkness wrapped around me.

But I think these could do with some fine-tuning:

... With rested eyes
I saw the rocky road was still unswept
and up ahead were grey cloud laden skies.

Seems to me rested eyes would see possibilities, not obstacles. It may be different in your neck o' the woods, but I'd say "I saw that the road was unswept" or "I saw the road, unswept." And aren't grey skies usually cloudy? If you choose to rework this section, you might think about something like:

... With clouded eyes,
I saw the rocky pathway, still unswept,
and looming up ahead, storm-laden skies.

I agree with Kathy on the couplet.

Nice work, though, even if you don't change a thing. Doesn't it feel good to be writing again?

Mary

[heartsong7]

Thank you, judy. I've posted a first revision that I hope clears some bumps.
Sue

[Guest_Kathy_*]

Sorry Sue. I got you confused with someone else. Of course I know you! For ages.

Heh. I didn't even notice the extra line. I have a few things on my mind today.

[heartsong7]

Hi Mary...
I stopped by early to post a revision that came to me last night. I was delighted to see I had recognized some of the weak areas you mention here:

I like the change you made to L8, Sue. I had no problem scanning unencumbered as a headless iamb, but this is better.
Yes, I agree.

I think it deserves a better title. As a tribute to the person (or entity) who helped the narrator, "Finding My Way" diminishes that aspect.
I agree and for those very reasons. The title was a last minute tack on. My first draft was "untitled"
I'll work on that. Any ideas?

I like the way you've left it open to interpretation as to whether that might be a parent, lover, spiritual guru, or God.

I'm so glad you saw my intent.

And I especially like these lines:

... A tangled strand
of darkness wrapped around me.

But I think these could do with some fine-tuning:

... With rested eyes
I saw the rocky road was still unswept
and up ahead were grey cloud laden skies.

Seems to me rested eyes would see possibilities, not obstacles.
Yes, but on the other hand, after her encouraging dream, she awakened to reality, which was not so cheery. I think it does take rested eyes to see what is really there rather than what we wish it were. The revision I just posted uses opened eyes, but I'll chew on it further.

It may be different in your neck o' the woods, but I'd say "I saw that the road was unswept"
I often leave out "that" but I do like your suggestion for "still unswept"

or "I saw the road, unswept." And aren't grey skies usually cloudy? If you choose to rework this section, you might think about something like:

... With clouded eyes,
I saw the rocky pathway, still unswept,
and looming up ahead, storm-laden skies.

Not sure about "clouded eyes" for observing reality but the rest works well.
Thank you.

I agree with Kathy on the couplet.
I changed the last line slightly, but will stew awhile for something stronger.

Nice work, though, even if you don't change a thing.
Thank you. That means a lot to me.

Doesn't it feel good to be writing again?
Yes, indeed!

Mary

Great suggestions, greatly appreciated.
Take care.
Sue

[Guest_Kathy_*]

You steadied me when I could barely stand
and warned me to be mindful where I stepped,
yet knowing I would stumble, held my hand.
I pulled away and fell, lay bruised and wept,
afraid to try again. A tangled strand
of darkness wrapped around me. While I slept,
I dreamed the way lay clear. I could progress
unfettered. Freed of fear I ran, I leapt
enthusiastically, all pain and stress--
gone!
........ til dawn erased the dark and crept
into my consciousness. With opened eyes
I saw the rocky pathway, still unswept
and looming up ahead, forbidding skies.**

That's better, Sue.

For some reason (the fog was thick this morning) I thought this was about writing a sonnet. That's why I thought it was a beginner's poem. Sheesh, how embarrasing.

[Mary Boren]

I think it does take rested eyes to see what is really there rather than what we wish it were. The revision I just posted uses opened eyes, but I'll chew on it further.

I'm sorry, Sue, I unwittingly imposed my viewpoint into your sonnet. My creed, which is upside-down by traditional standards, holds that we only see flashes of reality in what we refer to as a dreamlike state, in places where the veil is thin. The world is a metaphor, its only value as a teaching device. As I said, a personal belief, and I'm certainly not trying to change yours.

I saw the rocky pathway, still unswept
and looming up ahead, forbidding skies.

Yes, much better. I had an afterthought on pathway, though, as we wouldn't really expect to find one swept. At first, I intended to suggest roadway, but pathway seemed more poetic. Hmm ...

I'll continue watching with interest.

Mary

[heartsong7]

Hi Kathy,

That's better, Sue.
Thanks for coming back to check out the revisions. I think it's improving but not quite there. I appreciate your encouragement.

For some reason (the fog was thick this morning) I thought this was about writing a sonnet. That's why I thought it was a beginner's poem. Sheesh, how embarrasing.

I can see how it might be interpreted as being about a sonnet, and you are right, that's just the sort of thing we'd often turn to... sonnets about sonnets... while getting aquainted with the form. I think I have at least 3. (smile)

Take care,
sue

[heartsong7]

Hi Mary...
It's so good to have such considerate input and concern for the progress of a poem.... You make the process enjoyable.

re:

I'm sorry, Sue, I unwittingly imposed my viewpoint into your sonnet. My creed, which is upside-down by traditional standards, holds that we only see flashes of reality in what we refer to as a dreamlike state, in places where the veil is thin. The world is a metaphor, its only value as a teaching device. As I said, a personal belief, and I'm certainly not trying to change yours.

No worries... I enjoy learning others' viewpoints, but in this case, yours does not really differ from my own. Yes, reality is often revealed in a dreamlike state... and yes, time on earth is schooling for the soul.
I think what I was trying to say was not coming thru. I wanted to express the hopeful scene she saw while dreaming as compared to the actual scene revealed upon waking. But decided what appears while in the process of waking... that in between fog... might be when she would see reality.
Yikes, I hope that makes some kind of sense.
Anyway, I have posted a revision with that in mind and have addressed the roadway and a new couplet. Would love to have your insight... again. Watch out, I'll pick your brain as much as you will allow.(smile)

Thanks muchly.
sue

[Mary Boren]

Sue, I absolutely love the new couplet. Bravo! Good changes on the other lines, too. I think you need a comma after unswept. I'm also stumped for a suitable title. "Tough Love" crossed my mind, but quickly dismissed itself. You'll think of something, I know.

Mary

[Guest_Websailor_*]

Hi Sue,

It's great to read you again. Obviously, I missed the evolution of this, you've done a great job incorporating the crits to take the meaning where it wanted to go. I have noticed that sonnets have a tendency to go where they want, almost unbidden (at least for me). This one seems to have found itself with your steering and input from the wise navigators onboard here.

The new couplet is great.

Wayne

[Mary Boren]

Sue, I was thinking maybe something like "To My Encourager" but that doesn't really do it justice either. Try running "encourage" through at thesaurus.com and see what kind of clicking adventure it leads you on. I'm kinda partial to "Enheartened" because it sounds so poetic and hasn't been done to death.

Mary

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Sue.

This so lovely - I came late to the party!

I have an idea for a title (two actually) that I thought I'd share: Perpetual Or Perpetual Hand - it's a bit less telling than your proposed 'A Helping Hand' while I believe will still yield the meaning you intend.

Also - I've just one nit in this line:
I dreamed the way lay clear. I could progress

Since you've already used lay earlier - I suggest a slightly different idea to ponder: 'I dreamed of journeys clear. I could progress'

Enjoyed this!
~Cleo