Faded Layers (2nd revision), Wizard Award ~ Aging Options

[Eisa]

Here's an oldie I haven't looked at for a while.

. .


Revision 10/06/07

Faded layers

I peer at my reflection pensively,
perceive my bloom is withering like debris;
my mother gazes back with knowing smile
as I’ve inherited her vintage style.

My satin layer’s crumpled into crepe
that veils my inner weave. I can’t escape
from Time’s persistent pace, for he’s designed
this sagging, puckered fashion, now maligned.

His fingers frayed my looks; I can’t reject
these ravages he wrought, for they reflect
the seasons' change. I brave his rapid streams,
relentlessly eroding facial seams.

So mirror image, though you fail to please,
if you remove my blemished covers, ease
the faded remnants back to look behind,
where stronger fabric lines a mellow mind.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Revision 24/05/07

Faded layers

I peer at my reflection wistfully,
perceive my bloom is withering to debris;
my mother gazes back with knowing smile
as I’ve inherited her vintage style.

My satin layer's crumpled into crepe
that veils my inner weave. I can’t escape
from Time’s persistent pace, for he’s designed
this sagging, puckered fashion, so maligned.

His fingers frayed my looks; I can’t reject
the ravages he wrought, for they reflect
the seasons' change. I brave his rapid streams
relentlessly eroding facial seams.

So mirror image, though you fail to please
me, just remove my blemished covers, ease
the faded remnants back to look behind,
where stronger fabric lines a mellow mind.


*************************
St1 L2 was

perceive my bloom has withered to debris;

changed to

perceive my bloom is withering to debris;

to show the process is still going on. original makes you think it's all already heppened,instead of happening.


Stanza 3 was ~

Her fingers frayed my looks; I can’t reject
the ravages she wrought, for they reflect
the seasons' change. I brave them -- unafraid
of Time's relentless tides and facial raids.


I've changed L2 from

perceiving tissues shrivel to debris
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Faded layers

I frown at my reflection wistfully
and recognize my bloom’s become debris.
Instead, my mother gazes back; in truth,
maturity replaced my tender youth.
Soft silk has been exchanged for crinkled crepe
to shroud my inner self. I can’t escape
from Time’s persistent pace, for she’s designed
this puckered faded fashion, so maligned.

Her fingers frayed my visage. I accept
the ravages she wreaked, for they reflect
life’s stormy waters, where no calm appears
to shape persona through tempestuous tears.
I rummage through the rustiness of life
and trace the winding tracks that turn to strife.
Determination’s pushed me to pursue
my problems, hiding battle scars from view.

As seasons change, I face them -- unafraid
of Time's relentless tides and facial raids.
Inside I may be bruised by wounds of war,
yet I’ve survived to stretch my wings and soar.
So mirror image, though you may displease
when dusty covers are removed; just ease
my faded layers back to look behind,
a stronger fabric shows -- a mellow mind.

[Guest_Kathy_*]

That's not an oldie, Snow, that's a treasure. I can't see anything that needs to be changed. It's very good, lass.

It's a bit lonely here, just now. Hopefully it's because you are all asleep and not staying away because the board has been slow loading itself lately. I'm trying the options suggested by Lary, and it is faster, though I miss my familiar board in all its beauty.

Love,

K

[Eisa]

That's not an oldie, Snow, that's a treasure. I can't see anything that needs to be changed. It's very good, lass.

It's a bit lonely here, just now. Hopefully it's because you are all asleep and not staying away because the board has been slow loading itself lately. I'm trying the options suggested by Lary, and it is faster, though I miss my familiar board in all its beauty.

Love,

K

Hey Kathy

I'm glad this sounds ok to you -- I'm going through all my oldies just to see if they can be improved. This one has had a lot of revisions.

I thought perhaps it was my computer going slow after being repaired. I hope folk will return soon.

Snow

[Mary Boren]

Bravo, Snow -- well said. So many keeper couplets, like ...

I frown at my reflection wistfully
and recognize my bloom’s become debris.

I rummage through the rustiness of life
and trace the winding tracks that turn to strife.

As seasons change, I face them -- unafraid
of Time's relentless tides and facial raids.

... ease
my faded layers back to look behind,
a stronger fabric shows -- a mellow mind.

I can't help wanting to see it trimmed down, though, to better accentuate the wonderful pattern you've woven in. The cloth metaphor is pushed to the back of the closet, at times, by competing images such as stormy waters / tempestuous tears / winding tracks / battle scars / wounds of war / stretch my wings and soar. While these lines are strong and definitely worth saving for other poems, let's just see what happens when fashion takes center stage here:

I frown at my reflection wistfully
and recognize my bloom’s become debris.

Soft silk has been exchanged for crinkled crepe
to shroud my inner self. I can’t escape
from Time’s persistent pace, for she’s designed
this puckered faded fashion, so maligned.

Her fingers frayed my visage [face]. I accept [can't reject]
the ravages she wreaked [wrought*], for they reflect
As the seasons' change. I face them -- unafraid
of Time's relentless tides and facial raids.

So mirror image, though you may displease**
when dusty covers are removed; just ease
my faded layers back to look behind,
a stronger fabric shows -- a mellow mind.

If you like the effect and wanted to extend the metaphor, you might be able to use remnants, cutting board, runway, etc., and I'm sure you'd find endless possibilities in this Glossary of Terminology for the Fabric Industry I just googled up. (I don't think it needs to be any longer, though. Short is in. :)

*Although wreaked is acceptable usage, wrought sounds more poetic.
** Incorrect usage -- displease is an intransitive verb.

Hope this helps. I repeat, I really like the poem as it is, but I think it could pack a lot more pizazz if you took the scissors to it.

Mary

[Eisa]

Thanks Mary -- yes I find I am trimming back a lot of old work. Well, conciseness often has more impact, eh?

I think you may have touched on why I posted this for opinion --I felt something was not quite as I wanted now, but didn't know what. I think it is perhaps that this does have mixed metaphors and to stick to the fabric one alone might certainly be better.

You've given me something to think over -- that's good!

Thanks Mary

Snow

[Mary Boren]

I've only got 30 seconds, so will have to get this out fast.

There was one other thing I forgot to mention. Re: Soft silk. This doesn't work for me, either metrically or sense-wise. It's redundant. (What, soft silk as opposed to scratchy silk?) How 'bout "my satin's been exchanged" or something.

-M

[heartsong7]

Hi Snow... How wonderful to read your lovely metaphor magic.
I like this as is, but do agree about "soft silk" maybe "smooth silk" since I think that soft goes without saying as to the feel of silk but if not fussed over, it can get pretty wrinked.
I'm also wondering about L1 and frowning wistfully. Maybe just "I gaze" or "I stare"
I'll try to come back later for a more careful read, but just wanted to take a moment to say how much I enjoyed the first.

Best,
Sue

[Judi]

Here's an oldie I haven't looked at for a while.


Faded layers

I frown at my reflection wistfully
and recognize my bloom’s become debris.
Perhaps this line should be
and recognize my blooms became debris,
with a comma,

Instead, my mother gazes back; in truth,
maturity replaced my tender youth.

Soft silk has been exchanged for crinkled crepe
How about wrinkled crepe...(crinkled rankles my ears a bit)

to shroud my inner self. I can’t escape
from Time’s persistent pace, for she’s designed
this puckered faded fashion, so maligned.
Great Images

Her fingers frayed my visage.

I accept (bear with me while I try to sort this remark out..
the ravages she wreaked, for they reflect life’s stormy waters, where no calm appears to shape persona through tempestuous tears.

I stretched this out into one sentence to see if the meaning became more clear, it didn't
I know this is not the way you posted it, but I didn't get the meaning of that line..maybe you
could clarify this remark a bit..

I rummage through the rustiness of life
and trace the winding tracks that turn to strife.
Determination’s pushed me to pursue
my problems, hiding battle scars from view.

Excellent!!!

As seasons change, I face them -- unafraid
of Time's relentless tides and facial raids.
Inside I may be bruised by wounds of war,
yet I’ve survived to stretch my wings and soar.
So mirror image, though you may displease

when dusty covers are removed; just ease
my faded layers back to look behind,
This line could be stronger

a stronger fabric shows -- a mellow mind.

Keep in mind that these are only my impressions for you to use or lose...and again, I enjoyed this very much. Judi

[Eisa]

I've only got 30 seconds, so will have to get this out fast.

There was one other thing I forgot to mention. Re: Soft silk. This doesn't work for me, either metrically or sense-wise. It's redundant. (What, soft silk as opposed to scratchy silk?) How 'bout "my satin's been exchanged" or something.

-M

Good point Mary -- thanks for coming back.

Snow

[Eisa]

Hi Snow... How wonderful to read your lovely metaphor magic.
I like this as is, but do agree about "soft silk" maybe "smooth silk" since I think that soft goes without saying as to the feel of silk but if not fussed over, it can get pretty wrinked.
I'm also wondering about L1 and frowning wistfully. Maybe just "I gaze" or "I stare"
I'll try to come back later for a more careful read, but just wanted to take a moment to say how much I enjoyed the first.

Best,
Sue

Hi Sue

Thanks for the ideas -- I've taken them aboard for some tweaking.
I have been giving this a llot of thought and do think it would be better without the mixed metaphors. I'm working on that now. i would love to hear any other thoughts you might have.

Great to see you!

Snow

[Eisa]

Hi Judi

Thanks for offering your thoughts on this one -- it's much appreciated. I've taken them on board for revision.


Her fingers frayed my visage.

I accept (bear with me while I try to sort this remark out..
the ravages she wreaked, for they reflect life’s stormy waters, where no calm appears to shape persona through tempestuous tears.

I stretched this out into one sentence to see if the meaning became more clear, it didn't
I know this is not the way you posted it, but I didn't get the meaning of that line..maybe you
could clarify this remark a bit..

This was the part I didn't think came accross well and intended changing it -- or possibly even deleting it aftre Mary's suggestion.

Thanks again. I'm working on some changes now, hopefully posted soon.

Snow

[Eisa]

Hi everyone

Thank you for giving me your thoughts on this one. I've decided to stick to the fabric metaphor on Mary's suggestion. I hope it works for you.
As with any revision it might have brought new problems.

Snow

[Eisa]

Tweaked again

Snow

[Michelle]

Hi Snow. Your revision is very good. I've really missed reading your work. I find this one is about the unstoppable ravishes of Time, but at the end you demonstrate acceptance and show us the silver lining. I like it very much. A couple of things occurred to me during my nit picking read. (I like to enjoy a poem on my first read) Although you have distinctly shown that 'she' is 'Time', when I read 'she' I kept think of your mother because of her introduction in S1. I think the poem would read just as well if time had no gender - 'it'. I also think that 'flow' would work better with the conceit than 'tides' does. In that same line, I wanted to read 'facial seams' rather than 'facial raids'. But that would cause a revamping the previous line.

Please take my suggestions salted with your own good judgement.

Very good poem, Snow.

my best,

Michelle

[Mary Boren]

Wayta go, girl -- great job of trimming. I really like Michelle's suggestion for facial seams, and hope you'll consider it. Brought to mind this old thing of mine, where I sorta went overboard with the punning, but it was fun to carry out the fabric metaphor.

Mary

[Eisa]

Hi Snow. Your revision is very good. I've really missed reading your work. I find this one is about the unstoppable ravishes of Time, but at the end you demonstrate acceptance and show us the silver lining. I like it very much. A couple of things occurred to me during my nit picking read. (I like to enjoy a poem on my first read) Although you have distinctly shown that 'she' is 'Time', when I read 'she' I kept think of your mother because of her introduction in S1. I think the poem would read just as well if time had no gender - 'it'. I also think that 'flow' would work better with the conceit than 'tides' does. In that same line, I wanted to read 'facial seams' rather than 'facial raids'. But that would cause a revamping the previous line.

Please take my suggestions salted with your own good judgement.

Very good poem, Snow.

my best,

Michelle

Hi Michelle

It's good to have you back ... you always have some good suggestions and I like what you have passed on here. I don't think it would be too difficult to find a rhyme with seams, so I'll work on that.

Thanks Michelle

Snow

[Eisa]

Wayta go, girl -- great job of trimming. I really like Michelle's suggestion for facial seams, and hope you'll consider it. Brought to mind this old thing of mine, where I sorta went overboard with the punning, but it was fun to carry out the fabric metaphor.

Mary

Thanks Mary -- I enjoyed getting my scissors out on this! I am definitely going to use Michelle's suggestion of 'facial seams'

I've just read your 'Seems to me' ... and love it! Great fun! Thanks for sharing.

Snow

[AMETHYST]

Hi Snow,

I am glad to finally get to this. I really enjoyed the beauty of this, as well as seeing how the changes have brought it closer to its highest potential. You've received excellent feedback, so if I repeat what others have said, please forgive me and blame my lateness to the thread... but I just had to stop in and leave my thoughts.

Big Hugs, Liz

Faded layers

The title is quite fitting to the meaning of the poem. A strong summery of the context.

I peer at my reflection wistfully,
perceive my bloom is withering to debris;
my mother gazes back with knowing smile
as I’ve inherited her vintage style.

The first two line's end rhymes felt forced to me. I guess because I felt that '...withering to debris' In L1, I kept wanting to say pensively, rather than wistfully. L2, perhaps ... perceive my bloom is withering, as debris; my mother's gaze peeps back with knowing smile/for I've inherited her vintage style

It would look like this ...

I peer at my reflection pensively,
perceive my bloom is withering like/as debris;
my mother's gave peeps back with knowing smile
for I've inherited her vintage style

(I really love L4. What a great descriptive) ...


My satin layer's crumpled into crepe
that veils my inner weave. I can’t escape
from Time’s persistent pace, for he’s designed
this sagging, puckered fashion, so maligned.


The use of fabric images to detail the changes of our outer appearence, hiding the inner self is wonderfully don. I thought it a great use of the capitilzing of 'Time's ...' to give it personification.
In L4, perhaps ... now maligned.


His fingers frayed my looks; I can’t reject
the ravages he wrought, for they reflect
the seasons' change. I brave his rapid streams
relentlessly eroding facial seams.

L2, perhaps 'these ravages he wrougth, ... Love L4 ... eroding facial seams. Excellent.


So mirror image, though you fail to please
me, just remove my blemished covers, ease
the faded remnants back to look behind,
where stronger fabric lines a mellow mind.

Excellent ending stanza. The only thought I might offer is for L2, where L1 can easily be left as ' ...fail to please and perhaps L2, you might consider ...

So mirror image, though you fail to please -
might you remove my blemished covers, ease
these faded remnants back to look behind,
where stronger fabric lines a mellow mind.

Again Snow this is a wonderful poem. I give 10 cheers! :)

Hugs, Liz

[Eisa]

Hey Liz

You have given me some brilliant suggestions for polishing this one up. Thanks! I'll do a bit more tweaking to night.

Hugs Snow

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Hi Snow,

This is coming along quite nicely!

Just a thought or two...


I peer at my reflection wistfully,
perceive my bloom is withering to debris;
my mother gazes back with knowing smile
as I’ve inherited her vintage style.

My satin layer's crumpled into crepe
that veils my inner weave. I can’t escape
from Time’s persistent pace, for he’s designed
this sagging, puckered fashion, so maligned.

I love the way you've described the differences that come with age!

His fingers frayed my looks; I can’t reject
the ravages he wrought, for they reflect
the seasons' change. I brave his rapid streams
relentlessly eroding facial seams.

So mirror image, though you fail to please
me, just remove my blemished covers, ease
the faded remnants back to look behind,
where stronger fabric lines a mellow mind.


A thought for the last line...

'when stronger fabric lined a mellow mind'


*sigh* Oh, if we could just turn back the clock a bit! LOL

Cathy